10 Rules To Help You Keep Your Man

A brotha posted a thread on my forum, The Cocoa Lounge, called “10 Rules To Keeping Your Man”. The post has gotten a lot of attention and has men and women both sides of the issue heated. I shared my thoughts in the post and then decided to bring the topic to Brown Sista to see what those of you who aren’t registered on the forum have to say. You can read the rules on the next page and do check out this post on the forum to see what others are saying.

The Rules…

Lesson #1: Have sex! Frequently! Sex releases all kinds of nifty hormones that literally keep you healthy…it’s great stress relief, and a great way to show affection.

Lesson #2: Cook from scratch. There’s nothing like coming home to some good smells. Our sense of smell is most closely related to memory, and the good smells create good memories.

Lesson #3: Don’t sweat the small stuff! If he leaves bootprints coming home from work, for goodness sakes don’t yell at him for it! It’ll take about 10 seconds to wipe it up…it’s not that big of a deal.

Lesson #4: The less you ask for, the more he will give. If you don’t give him grief, he’s more likely to want to keep you around and want to make you happy and see a smile on your face.

Lesson #5: Rub his head. I don’t know why, but men really like having nails grazed along their scalp. I guess it feels good and relaxes them…you get those nails done anyway, put them to good use.

Lesson #6: Let him watch sports! Most households have more than 1 tv, so if you really hate them, remove yourself to another room and watch Oprah or something. He doesn’t come bug you at the salon during girl-time, so don’t bug him when he’s pursuing guy-time.

Lesson #7: Bake. Most men cannot resist the smell of hot sugar…he will be hanging over your shoulder on a Sunday afternoon swiping cookie dough or apple slices that were supposed to go into the pie first, then his stomach (which has led to many laughs in my home).

Lesson #8: Don’t hold any housework you do against him. In this day an age, nearly everything is automated…dishwashers, clothes washers, dryers…it’s not backbreaking labor, and it’s not a good bargaining chip.

Lesson #9: During a fight, avoid the words “I FEEL” like the plague. First off, you should choose your fights wisely over something that actually matters, and when it matters, you should be able to bring up an objective argument, not a subjective one. He will respect you more for it, and is more likely to concede after cooling off IF you’ve made the better point.

Lesson #10: Be extremely nice to his friends. Men love to show off their women…let the buddies do the ego-stroking for you. He’ll come home preening over you, I guarantee.


  1. Spoken like an unmarried man! If he is married or for anyone who’s married- these “tips” are all fine and dandy as long as the MAN is showing the same courtesy in return to “keep his woman”. Though funny and cute, the rules listed above ain’t CRAP w/o the Lord’s blessing upon the relationship- PERIOD!

    My best girlfriend says, “Can do! My only rule {to help you keep your woman} in return (for all that) is that he’s bringing in AT LEAST a million dollars a year, and that’s within the first two years of the relationship- ONLY! After that, I better see an even bigger check. Oh, and don’t piss me off or get on my last nerve.”

  2. ^^^ Jhanta, I believe a woman conjured up the list.

    Why didn’t she mention the infamous menage-a-trois men dream of, bowing down to them as soon as they enter the room? Oh, can’t foget telling them to quit their jobs immediately so you can work 70-80 hours a week to provide HIS every want and need. Ladies, never forget to let your man know that his grown ass should continue playing Madden 2008 while you go on, blabbing your mouth about how you were disrespected and damn near molested by two sorry ass thugs when you left the corner/convient/gas store an hour before you got home. Now that’s how you REALLY KEEP YOUR MAN!!!

  3. But to really address each “rule” {in which a realtionship doesn’t need}.

    To rule 1: As long as a man has a hand and some porn tapes/dvd or limewire…. he really don’t care if you having sex with him “frequently”.

    To rule 2: PUH-LEASSSEEE! Cook from scratch? He’ll be happy if you bringing home/over chinese food!

    To rule 3: If he can get mad about ole’ boy (as my man calls them) looking at you, you have every right to say something about bootprints, especially if his ass didn’t wipe it up and it’s been there for two days now cause I damn sure….. *ranting now*

    To rule 4: What are we asking our men for? I can’t quite comprehend this one cause I don’t ask my man for anything but for a kiss and hug- sometimes.

    To rule 5: Okay but if this was all it took… the divorce percentile wouldn’t be so high. I think that’s just nice gesture women do and man notice it but they don’t.

    To rule 6: Now, it depends where we are. If we’re at my place…. I have a 50 in flat screen in the living room and 13 in my bedroom.It’s Sunday night, I want to watch Kimora he wants to watch the NFL game, guess who’s watching what on what tv? My baby be cool about it though, he just take his chips and soda to the bedroom, put a blanket over my comforter and chill watching his game cause he ain’t no dumbass and knows if he come over to my place when a game is showing, what room he can watch it in unless otherwise stated just like I know what’s up when I go to his place. Now, when he is w/ the guys I respect but ain’t nothing wrong with getting at him. I’m sure that ain’t grounds for breakup unless you call him bitchin or show up making a scene.

    To rule 7: Please, ain’t nobody got time to be up the kitchen. Just bring home some Krispy Kreams- he cool.

    To rule 8: Just like now-a-days, women work the same amount hours as men and smart men know this and so they do an equal share of the housework (I know mine do and we don’t even share house). He’s a clean/neat guy so he honestly doesn’t mind helping with the cleaning.

    To rule 9: WTF? Ain’t nobody telling me what words I can or can’t use. If I feel strong about something and/or feel the need to voice an opinion on or about something…. I’M DOING IT!
    If he can get a little funky attitude over some guy I don’t know checking me out, I can say what I want during disagreements.

    To rule 10: Again. PUH-LEASSSEEE! Them negroes ain’t nobody. As long as you ain’t beating, cheating or scamming their friend. The friends don’t really give a damn.

    -this is only my feedback to those “rules” and not in any way my advice. I’m just being funny but truthful about my experience(s). I agree with the “rules” but also believe they must be reciprocated by the opposite sex.

  4. Okay, this my last time, really- I promise! Just had to point out, it’s funny how 10 Rules To Help Keep Your Man did not include anything about looks? I would think that would be top 3, if a list or rules were actually needed. Most of guy friends list looks first or second but it’s on their list. My parents have been happily married almost 46 years and rest assured all these rules
    ain’t seen daylight in their home- I’m just sayin!

  5. Those rules are for the desperate and lonley. I have a lot of friends who give their all to a man and he still wants to be with another woman. A man has to take me as I am. He also has to earn the cooking,baking,frequent sex, and quiet time to watch the game.

  6. This foolishness needs to be filed under STFU, he need a boot up his behind.

  7. I don’t see what the big fuss is about. Why are we getting mad about his opinion. Last time I checked everyone is entitled to one. I mean why be upset if none of the above apply. I think some people are taking it to heart because some of it is true. It’s like anytime a man opens his mouth we get on the defense as if they are talking directly to you. Women are very emotional beings and we have let what this gentleman’s idea of how to keep a man get the best of us. Personally I think some of what he is saying is true. Instead of asking him to list how a man can keep his women happy. Just like he did write your own 10 rules on how to keep your women.

  8. I guess in context i can see how the rules appply. I take serious exception to anything related to damn housework though.
    If we are both f*ig working , then do your half of the work ! Sh!t!!
    If its so damned easy and ‘automated’ then why tf can’t you do it?
    This is such a sore point at my house.
    I stay telling my husband, I’ll cook and clean up after you every damn day, 3 times a day if I didn’t have to be on my feet working 9-10 hours a day!
    It is so UNFAIR and CHAUVANISTIC to think that with 2 parties working, one should be in charge of CLEANING, because they are female.

  9. What ever!!! I do to my man what I know and how I know he likes to be treated. First of all My man don’t care for sports. So what ever. But I guess for some its some good steps.

    LOL 🙂

  10. Nne, you’ve got me laughing so hard over here lol!

    I think this all just boils down to communication really, talking to your significant other about what you’d like to see and how you want to be treated, then finding a happy medium where you’re neither submissive nor dominant; being open to each other’s feelings and boundaries without automatically shutting them out or disregarding them and putting yourself first.

  11. personally, i don’t see what’s wrong with this list. as long as the man extends these same courtesies to his woman, sounds like a damn good arrangement. a relationship has to have balance to work.

  12. He was smoking something when he wrote this, clearly.

    It looks to me like the Top 10 ways to Be My momma and my Woman at the same time.

  13. i agree with some of his rules women are so far away from being “ladies” these days. especially “black woman” and that is MY opinion!!!!!!!

  14. I do agree with some of these rules. I am married and I was always told by guys “As long as you are a chef in the kitchen and a slut in the bedroom your man ain’t going no where” LOL LOL!!! I am sure it takes more than that, but I do like to cook from scratch, rather than microwave foods. and as far as sports go, I join him. I love boxing!!! As for football, I am not crazy about it but I will watch it with him just to be around him. “Pissed off Motha” you are right, so many females are far away from being ladies. OH!! The other rule that was not on here is “KEEP YOUR BUSINESS TO YOURSELF” I don’t care how close you are to your girlfriends or how much you trust them. Do not share your personal life in depth especially the bedroom business, that is detramental. Resolve them with your man or talk to your mom, aunt etc. But other than that….KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!!

  15. @pissed off motha,

    You sound so ignorant! So go be with a white woman!

  16. I have married friends who do most of the things on the listed(including cooking from scratch). The reason why they are able to do most of theses is because their husbands make enough money whereas they don’t have to work outside the home. They also have a maid that cleans their house on a regular basis. Hense the reason why they have time to bake and cook from scratch. In my opinion these rules only apply when the husband can afford to give his wife that carefree lifestyle. I think most women would love to cook/bake from scratch if they didn’t have to worry about earning enough of a living to help keep a roof over her families head.

  17. As a married woman whose man takes care of home, I can say that these rules are REAL and they will keep your man happy. Of course, he’s keeping the cars maintained, spending quality time with me, treating me like a queen, working hard, keeping himself intersting, etc. It works both ways. Instead of saying what you’re not going to do – just do it. You may be surprised at the results.

    Quit complaining ladies and go cook something. We can argue all we want about this, but that’s what a man likes. Just like you like what you like.



  19. It doesn’t take all this to keep a man, I swear. Maybe a certain type of man but not a REAL MAN.
    Those rules are a list of nice things you can do for him and he should be doing the same for you but that’s not all it takes to keep him- has nothing to do with it.

  20. I, for one, do not have a problem with the “10 Rules to Help You Keep a Man.” In the interest of disclosure I am a Southern woman through and through and while I am a staunch feminist in certain areas of my life, in other areas, I am a throwback to our grandmother’s times. For example, when I am with my guy or whenever another “gentlemen” is present I do not open any doors that I am walking through and when we are walking down the street, I never walk on the side closest to the street. My guy was raised to treat a woman this way but fell out of step because women now generally do their own thing – that is until he met me. I never had to ask him to open doors, etc. but I made it clear that that is what I expected and that is what I got.

    My guy is not one for being in the kitchen, I love the kitchen. You can keep your Manolos, give me the newest kitchen gadget. I work so most of my “real” cooking takes place on the weekend. At first he would come in to the kitchen to taste food, then it progressed to passing me things from the frig and now he’s the sous chef. We have some of our best conversations in the kitchen. I know very well that he is not that in to cooking, but he is that in to me and that’s where I am, in kitchen. And when it is time to clean up he is right there stacking dishes -does he always do it the way I would have done it – no, not even close. But he tries and that’s what counts with me.

    The point is that when you are in a loving relationship, with the right person, and you communicate your needs, they are usually met because he WANTS to please you. And vice versa. If you find that you are constantly nagging/yelling about the same thing then maybe you should reassess your choice in men and have long talk with yourself about what kind of relationship you want.

    Instead of criticizing the guy who wrote the Rules, we should take a look at these rather “old-fashioned” notions and see if they can be incorporated in these “modern” relationships we have. Because from where I sit, these modern relationships aren’t working. Have you seen the stats on Black women and marriage? Most of us are unlikely to jump the broom and if we do, that knot won’t be tied very long – the divorce rate is nearly 60% in African American households. And I don’t want to hear about the “White Woman.” Contrary to popular belief Black men are not all marrying white women – at the last census there were about 475k reported interracial marriages (check the figures out in the CNN.com archives – look for the story about Black women starting to date outside the race), with about 75% of that number with Black men marrying a woman of a different race (not necessarily White women, just women outside of their race). There are roughly 39M African Americans in the US (as of 2005) so some 356k Black men marrying outside of the race don’t mean much.

    But since I did mention White women, have you notice that whenever a Black guy talks about why he dates or his boys date White women they always say it’s because the White women doesn’t have an attitude and doesn’t nag them? Instead of assuming that the Black man is walking all over this hapless White women, we need to get our notebooks out to figure out how they get our men to do everything under the sun for them and then walk them down the aisle, without all of the nagging and attitude. And if we are going to have a come to Jesus experience, many of us need to admit that we have the attitude. Just look at the vitriol Mr. Cocoa Lounge received and I doubt any of the posters know this man personally. Lord help the man standing in your house.

    When you want a really good example of a loving relationship many probably look to our grandparents. And when you think about those relationships, I guarantee you see some form of the “Rules.” Heck, catch the Cosby Show on TV Land and you’ll see many, if not all of the Rules in play. No head swiveling, hip shifting attitudes there, but you can bet Claire Huxtable meant business and everyone in the house knew it – including Cliff.

    No one instinctively knows how to create and maintain a relationship – there is no manual so we learn from watching our parents. If there are issues in those relationships then you carry them forward in your own. Unfortunately, we’ve lost many of our models so we need to begin to listen to each other (including Mr. Cocoa Lounge) and start the process of re-creating loving, strong relationships. If that requires a little baking and rubbing his head, wouldn’t that be worth it?



  22. Hmmm, interesting rules… seems kinda lighthearted, won’t get you much with a serious man, in a serious relationship. Might be just fine for superficial mostly sex-based dating… but i guess many of our relationships are just that.

    Ahhh, I woudn’t be worried about “keeping a man”, I would be more worried about making a man better, making a good man a great man, and raising the standards within our relationships, within our lives.

    The continued demise of our women is a matter of life or death for America… it is the unchecked cancer… And if this is life or death for America’s women, then it is, indeed, the Black Woman who will be the first to die. Black women already exist in a broken culture, having to carry the mantle of “Strong Black Woman”, having to carry the “double negative effect” of being Black and being a woman, in a prevailing environment of Rap culture, littered with misogynist, sexist, abusive, uneducated, “jail-bird”, “down-low” black men… yet, white women are in lock step, on the same path, trailing behind by a definite, measurable, time & distance.

    Go Ahead… Rule #1… have sex, frequently ! … the next generation is watching, taking notes, and modeling after you… anxious to show the world just what we’ve taught them.

    – Keith G. Wright, AintNoJoke.com


    The female that wrote these rules stated (over on the forum) that they didn’t pertain to black women only, but of course, being that this site and The Cocoa Lounge forum being about black women and for blacks mainly…. we take it as it’s being meant for us so I think that’s where the “Oh, know you didn’t!” comes from, with some black women and it’s because it seems like EVERYBODY wants to blame us for when things don’t go right or etcetera. Actually, our brothas get it too, of course, but I know I’m a good woman and I only know good black men. And since “my we=good black people” know what’s going on…. this “rule” thing can be shoved up an :booty: somewhere!

  24. Yep…I agree with all of the rules, but these black men better know that their is a “PRICE” to pay for a black female following these rules. You see I have tried all of these rules only to have a man run all over me and take and never give anythig in return. It is in my opinion that men what you to give and not ask for nothing and if they feel like giving to you they will. “SCREW THAT” that is called selfishness! I tell you what when they start giving more dam affection, time and MONEY with there “broke”, “I use to have..”, “One day I’m going to get”, “Let struggle together”…..Asses then I will follow the rules again. But until then “I DO ME”!!! Now suck on that!

  25. @she`s come undone

    wow…you really said it, i mean ..i dont know if i can add anything to what you said because it was so truthful and balanced.but i guess people are 1 in a billion you know? lol
    this guy(cocoa lounge) has made some points and i dont think he`s asking anybody to forcefully believe him, as a black man some of the things he said meet my agreement and some others dont…i think some of the things sisters should do to be in peace with themselves in relationships are the following
    -stop taking your girlfriends opinions for gospel(women by nature are very jealous human beings, yes she must have been your friend since eternity but remenber prevention is better than cure)
    -dont ask for things( when a woman doesnt ask me for things, she gets more than she can imagine)
    -get off that strong-black-woman-elevator because its not doing any good just look at the statistics
    -money is good, we need it to survive but many of you need to know on which side of the aisle you stand when it comes to dating, is money the first thing you consider when dating..would you rather date someone with money or date someone with good moral values, principles, ambition,law abiding behavior? would you date a brother that makes less than you do? what is the type of income you expect a brother to have to date him?
    at the end of the day , i think you just need to know what you want and let the other side know your expectations

  26. I used to have a good amount of friends who could not stay in a relationship to save their lives (I say use to b/c I cut them off when they tried to brainwash me about my relationship). Most of them seemed to be all about the “Status” and “Bling”. But when you get to a certain age and a certain time in your life, or if you have been through enough!! you will apreciate a good, working man, with TRUE love. I think every day people try to imitate the “Hollywood” lifestyle in their relationships and it backfires.

  27. I really dont see any thing wrong with it other than number eight an i asked my boy friend about that one an he didnt agree with it an i also think it was a bit much but at the same time theirs nothing like having a man opinion about some thing maybe some women dont want to hear it simply because they are simple minded about men first off you need to stop thinking that all men are bad an men need to stop thinking the same just take the advice an run with it you dont need to use it in your every day life but think of how much easier thing would be if you actually did some of them if you dont try then how do you know if its true if you dont try it but if you want to keep going in an out of relationships then dont change an keep naggin about men are so bad an maybe its you sisters that need to change an stop all this he dont know what he is talking about an taking things the wrong way anif you dont like the truth then just look at your self every day an keep lieing to your self about your life .

  28. Well said She Come Undone :koolaid: now here’s my two cents :brownsista:

    Girls vs Grown Women

    Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
    Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits in.

    Girls want to control the man in their life.
    Grown women know that if he’s truly hers, he doesn’t need controlling.

    Girls check you for not calling them.
    Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn’t.

    Girls hold grudges, stay mad for 40 years, and don’t get mad but get even
    Grown women confront the situation and don’t get mad but get ahead

    Girls envy those who move ahead and hate the players
    Grown women shares her knowledge and help other move ahead by not hating the players but teaching the rules to the game

    Girls try to put a man ‘on lock’ by using sex.
    Grown women know that it’s the sex of the mental kind that makes a man want to ‘Lock’ you down.

    Girls fake-moan, lay there and take the stabbing.
    Grown women say, “Just stop”, get up, get dressed and walk out.

    Girls are afraid to be alone.
    Grown women revel in it–using it as a time for personal growth.

    Girls ignore the good guys.
    Grown women ignore the bad guys.

    Girls make you come.
    Grown women make you come home.

    Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
    Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

    Girls try to monopolize all their man’s time (i.e. don’t want him hanging with his friends).
    Grown women realize that a lil’ bit of space makes the ‘together time’ even more special and goes to kick it with her own friends!

    Girls think a guy crying is weak.
    Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

    Girls want to be spoiled and ‘tell’ their man so.
    Grown women show him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate w/o fear of losing his manhood.

    Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
    Grown women know that that’s was just one man.

    Girls fall in love, chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all signs.
    Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, doesn’t always love you back and moves on without bitterness.

    Girls will read this and get an attitude.
    Grown women will read this and pass it on to other grown women!!

  29. At first I was not going to comment. But you all were having such a good conversation I had to jump into the discussion. So here we go being a married woman and a very independent woman. I am also a newlywed since February 2007. I Coming from a back ground where my grandparents were married until they died, my parents married 30 years, and aunts&uncles married 40 plus years :bowdown:. I have first hand experience in knowing how to keep a man. Now I do have an aunt that can’t keep one because she is very selfish and has a very big mouth LOL. It is essential that you please your man and your man please you. Don’t let people fool you that you are kissing butt because you are not :noway: . Now if the man or woman is abusing or using you and you sit there and take it then you could be considered a butt kisser. When you love someone and have fallen in love with that person you want to make sure they are happy. For us we put God first and each other needs next. That’s where no one gets neglected and we can keep a spiritual balance as well. When your husband or man really loves you he will understand that if you are a working woman that you may not be able to cook everyday. But rather every other day and that he can pick up where you left off in the middle. It’s about agape love and team work when in a relationship. When you put each others needs first opposed to just one person, your man will be doing all sorts of great things for you. Some days when I get home the laundry is washed and the house has been cleaned. I can’t complain and can only say thank you honey. Now washing dishes is a sore spot with my husband. But that’s where I jump in and say honey I got it because he has jumped in and helped. He helps in that area because we have different working hours and that’s to ensure that we get to spend quality time in between me arriving from work and him leaving for work. For example, I love working in my yard and flower bed. But my husband does not want me working in the yard. When he can’t get to the yard himself he would rather pay someone before letting me go outside and work. Do I argue with him even though I love working in my yard? No, you have to let a man be a man sometimes even if that means stepping down in some things. Just like a man has to let a woman be a woman. That’s why he has been placed there to be a help mate and vise verse. So I have no problem with pleasing my husband. When I get home the cell phone gets turned off and all attention is focused on each other. Remember you get more flies with honey than vinegar. Make sure your words and your attitude are as sweet as honey. And even when that man wants to get mad or out of line. He will stop and say I sure do have a good wife/woman let me re-think what type of approach I will take or I surely would not want to lose her. Our society has taught us to be abusive rather than loving towards one another that’s why while on the dating scene you meet so many people still carrying a lot of baggage. This hinders them from really establishing a meaningful relationship with a good man or woman. Liyah I must agree with you about keeping your mouth closed about your relationship. People will destroy a good relationship if you allow them. Misery definitely loves company. I had to back away from some negative people. When you are dating and announce that you are getting married its congratulations. But when it gets closer to the time of the wedding date and they realize oh they really are getting married the negativity gets turned up at a much more intense level :mrgreen: 😡 . I am in the process of backing away from a first cousin of mine that is very negative and I realize that she wants me to fail. So ladies and gentlemen you better make time for your man or woman or the one you love and forget about what society says. Living based upon what society says is sometimes like TLC says, “chasing waterfalls” and never finding happiness. Find out what works for you and your significant other and work on making it happen. 🙂

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