25 And In Danger

Is it just me or does it seem like being a woman can suck sometimes?  And I’m not even talking about the nagging monthly reminder (that can sometimes be a blessing lol) that we get.  I’m talking about the roles and responsibilities that we never seem to dodge.

The life of a woman is destined to be complicated.  No matter what road she takes or what type of chick she is.  It seems like we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

Last week I had drinks with one of my closest guy friends to celebrate my birthday.  Everything was like always until the conversation shifted to why I’m still single.  It was never a problem before.  I was always that cool chick.  The chick that could hang with the guys and the girls.  The chick that could throw on a dress for ladies night or slouch on the couch with the guys for Sunday football. Go Ravens.

Somewhere along the line I missed a memo or two.  Turning 25 was bigger than a milestone, it was a danger zone.  At least that’s what he said.  Apparently from this moment on my priorities should shift to finding a man, marrying him and having his children.  Apparently I need to do all of that before 30 because then the danger zone becomes a death sentence.  Ouch.

I knew all of that.  I’ve heard it a millions times.  But it never bothered me.  When the time is right for all of those things—it’ll happen.  Right?  That’s the way I look at life but according to him and the statistics, most women like me are in a danger zone.  There aren’t enough men to go around and I can’t afford to be picky.

I’m not blind.  I’ve looked around my offices.  I’ve seen the successful women in their thirties who have everything except the man, ring and kids.  I’m sure they were once where I am now saying, “that won’t be me.”  But what am I supposed to do?  Grab the next man that pays me some attention, pay for his flight to Vegas, jump the broom and urine on a stick?  Geesh.

Just a couple of years ago my family and friends (including him) were telling me to take my time, enjoy life, travel, date and get my career on and popping.  Now it seems like I’m in a tug of war with the expectations of a being a woman and it feels like it happened overnight.   I know I’ve had 25 years to prepare for this but I’m not ready.  At least I’m not forced to be ready.

Being a woman sucks. It doesn’t matter how far we go in life, we’ll always be defined by those three things.  I get it, I really do.  I want those three things but only if they’re meant for me and only when they’re meant for me.

Is that too much to want?  I don’t think so.  I know its risky but so is settling down too soon.  I mean, have you seen the divorce rate?

At the end of the day I just want to live my life without a constant reminder of my age and statistics.  Now I know why women lie about their age-it’s a quick way to buy time.  Well at least publicly.

-Ashley Charisma is the author of School of Black Love.  For more info on Ashley Charisma and the novel visit www.ashleycharisma.com.

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  1. I am a anesthesiologist, married and mother of an five month old baby girl, I don’t think I will be back to work until she is at least six years old, I don’t know about all these so-called “superwomen”, but I can’t be a great wife, mother, and do my job well at the same time, something has got to give and for me it is my career; I am married to an amazing man and I don’t need to compete with him to feel fulfilled, so I guess I’m different.

    I believe that having a child, is giving your contribution to the world. Look around you, Every single thing that you love and can’t live without has been created by somebody’s child, so you shouldn’t be selfish and suck up all the goodness in the world without participating ;). No I am not saying to have Seven children or Fifteen; be unmarried yet popping babies, But one day we will all die and everything that we have accomplish will eventually be forgotten and people will eventually move on, and we won’t be buried with our career or our Houses or Cars, With a child, however one might forever live on …

    I believe in free will, How great will it be if everyone could do just about what the hell they want? You want a career go for it, if that stops you from finding a good man, and ever having children , then you should take comfort in knowing that you build your mini empire all by yourself. and maybe you’ll find that happiness that i believe a great partner and progeniture Can bring 🙂

  2. i totally agree with you SHONTELLE, and also with Ashley. I just turned 21 this summer, and already i have pple in my life whispering in my ear how important it is for me to have a man and get married. surprisingly, all of this is coming from men. yes grown men. my Father was never in my life…still isnt, so i guess in some way, i attracted a lot of father figures. theres this one man who i love and respect so much, he has done so much for me and my family, he keeps talking to me and prating for me to find a man… he is even trying so hard to hook me up with another guy who is a memeber of our church. i say this to say that i’ve not gotten any presssure from fellow women. this says alot to me. while woman nowadays are so focused and determined to fight, compete and prove something to the world (not you Ashley), there are men who just want you to slow down and focus on them. i believe that the career is as important as being a wife. if not less important…when the time is right. as a 21 year old i cannot see myself getting married now, unless it is complete love… what i expected whas advise on how to keep the men at bay, instead i have men, from 20,30,40 telling me i need to get a man and settle down. crazy. id did ask Go to send me that man whereever he is at the right time/

  3. I agree with you guys’ point and I do want to stress that it is important that you do what’s right for you and only you and not what ‘society’ thinks should be right.

    I dont have any kids so of course my advice is limited BUT I have been married for 4 years going on 5 and we are only now trying to have kids. For years though we have been getting questions about when we were gonna get kids etc and I always thought that was so rude.

    Anyways kiddo – and yes I mean KIDDO lol- unless you find the one man for you, don’t even worry about what ‘people’ are saying. They don’t have your bills, your passion and your drive.

    I honestly do think that when a young black female has her head on her shoulders, and has ambition people try to shoot it down unconsciencely

  4. I am 42yrs old, never been married and no kids,but I would like to get married. I was not ready in my 20’s and 30’s even though I was pressured as well. I don’t regret waiting this long. Just a word of caution, many people marry in the 20s and 30s because of pressure. A lot of these people are either divorced or in a loveless marriage. So by the time they are my age they are single again on the hunt(lol). The grass in not always greener.i.e., about 10 years ago I was totally smitten with this guy,and he was into me as well, but I keep getting a red flag about him. He wanted to get married,but I had reservations. We decided to move on. I was totally devastated when I heard that he was getting married so quickly to someone(less attractive than me)else.But before they could celebrate their 1 yr anniversary he had already committed adultery and continue through out their whole married until their divorce a few years later. l realized then that was my red flag. I believe he would have done the same to me. So don’t marry because of pressure. But do it because you have mutual love, trust, and maturity. These qualities are timeless and ageless.

  5. I love that more black women are single. We need to quit comparing ourselves to white women. If white women want to get married to the first man they meet, then let them. Being married does not mean you will be happier. Does being married make you smarter or make you immune to racism? No!! So why bother.

  6. “Does being married make you smarter or make you immune to racism? No!! So why bother.”

    What was that about?

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