How to Rekindle the Flame After an Affair


You never thought he’d do it and he vowed he never would, but it happened. Your man had an affair, and it is destroying your relationship. Whether your man physically or emotionally cheated one time or numerous times, the pain and mistrust you feel can be devastating. The man you once believed would never hurt you has betrayed you and now you fear you can never love him or want him like you did before the affair. Once you decide that your man is worth fighting for, there are a few ways you can ignite the passion and get the fires burning in the bedroom again.

(1.) Once a man cheats, many women start feeling bad about themselves or start feeling unsexy. Many women let themselves go after an affair because of anger/depression. Start doing the things you did in the beginning of your relationship such as dressing sexy and taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To get the passion back, you must feel confident and passionate about yourself first. The better you feel about you, the more your relationship will thrive.

(2.) Focus on the things you love about him, list them, and read them every day. Let’s face it. If you keep dwelling on your man indiscretions, your passion and love for him will wither and die. If you focus on why you got with him in the first place and focus on his lovable and sexy qualities, over time, you can rebuild the passion and love.

(3.) Avoid listening to sad love songs-Mary J. Blige and Jill Scott may be your favorite singers to jam to, but be careful not to get caught up in listening to sad songs about cheating or relationship break ups. This may affect your feelings for your man and may produce more anger as a result. If your intention is to recreate a passionate relationship with your man, listening to romantic songs or songs that promote love can help bring you and your man closer.

(4.) Limit conversations with your girlfriends or family members who bad talk your man. Venting can be a good way to release your pain, but the more you talk about your man’s affair, you will cause yourself to relive the old pain and anger. Avoid this because passion cannot thrive in pain or anger. If you need to vent, write in a journal but don’t talk about or focus on your pain. As Iyanla Vanzant says, “What you focus on grows.” If you continually focus on your pain, you will not get past it and the love and passion you want to experience will be absent in your relationship.

(5.) Get in touch with your spiritual side. An affair can wreak havoc on relationships even after years have gone by. In order to reconnect with your mate and heal the deep scars cheating can have on the heart, it can be beneficial to meditate or pray when the going gets tough. There will be times throughout your relationship where your man will do something that triggers the pain of the affair. During this time, calling on your higher power can give you the support you need to continue your relationship and help open your heart to love again.

Ci Ci Foster is a relationship columnist and author of ‘Sunny Rain’. For more information, visit her website at


  1. Rekindling the flame? I would need to rekindle the trust first.

    For those who do that, I actually think this is some pretty good advice. Women especially need to leave behind friends who won’t let the drama go even after you do. As a matter of fact, I find that when cheated on it is best to keep things to yourself. Some friends have a habit of never letting you forget, even when you try to.

  2. Eventhough you might not be all the way into it, keep making love to him. You DON’T want to GIVE him an excuse to do it again. Let him know that.

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