“Of all groups of people, Black women are the least likely group of women that will date outside of their race. When you have everyone else who is willing to explore but a Black woman is like, “I want me a brother,” well, if the brothers are out and they’re open to date everybody and the majority of Black women aren’t willing to look twice when a man outside of their race is sending them messages, then that makes our percentage rate lower and the chances of finding love, because we’re only looking in one specific place for finding love—with Black men.
Every single one of my girlfriends won’t date men that aren’t Black. I have maybe about five and these are people that I’m really considering my friends, not people that are associates or that you talk to or deal with at work. I have about five Black friends who date outside of their race. But all the other friends of mine, it’s either they vocally say that they won’t or every time an opportunity comes up for them to date outside of their race, there’s some excuse why it’s not going to work. They never really say it’s because he’s White, or because he’s Spanish or something like that. It’ll be more like, well, you know he works at such and such, and our schedules don’t match.’ But we’ll know really what it is. It’s ’cause he’s White…..”
This excerpt was taken from an interview that actress Regina King gave at Essence. Although I agree with her overall point of Black women expanding their dating horizons, I also understand the fear and thought process that many Black women go through when trying to find that “one”. Let’s examine some of the points she made.
King makes the point that Black women are either unwilling or uninterested in dating outside of their race. As a Black woman who dates, I understand the thought process behind this. I too would prefer to only date Black men. I would also prefer to marry a Black man. I also would prefer to have children with a Black man. I think that the average Black woman may be more comfortable with a Black man. She feels that he understands her more. For instance they may come from similar cultural and familial backgrounds which allows there to be a certain level of comfort between the two. The special thing about this familiarity is that it helps you to understand and bond with your partner. I myself have heard many reasons why my friends are unwilling to date outside of their race. “You don’t have to explain to him why you hate to get your hair wet.” “He may be intimidated by your strength and not feel comfortable with your sass.” “What if we don’t like the same music?”, “White men only like super skinny women who look like they don’t eat.” There are an array of reason that I have heard Black women use as the rationalization as to why they will not date out of their race. We automatically assume that a Black man will be able to love us the best. This may not always be the case.
Also there is this unspoken loyalty that Black women are expected to have to Black men. The Black man has always been under attack by America, the media, other races etc. It is only natural that the Black woman feels empathy the most for him. As a Black woman, she too has had her own strife to face and feelings of being ostracized by society. She “gets” him.
However, this fear of stepping out of the norm is what holds some Black women back from finding happiness in their love life. Some women spend their lives waiting on their chocolate prince charming that sadly does not always come.
Then there is the reality of King’s statement. I would love for every Black woman who wanted to be in a relationship with a Black man see her dream comes to fruition. Oh what a wonderful fairytale that would be. Unfortunately in today’s world the numbers may not allow it. For one there are more women than men. Two, Black men seem to be more open to dating women of other races than Black women. The loyalties that lie within some Black women for Black men are not always reciprocated. However, that is an entirely different topic for another piece. Then there is the gay Black male population that must be taken into consideration. Odds like these make it more difficult for a Black woman to find the Black man of her dreams versus the man of her dreams.
What is my point? Open your horizons! Throw fear to the side. Let your goal be searching for the man of your dreams versus the Black man of your dreams. I am not advising Black women not to date Black man. I am stating you should not be afraid to open your heart to something different. It is as simple as that. The reality is that you may be a part of the reason why you are unable to find the man of your dreams. Secondly, don’t allow the lack of cultural familiarity be the rationalism behind your apprehension on dating outside of your race. This unlikely candidate might be the guy who is digging you and willing to treat you like a Queen. Sistah, do not fear dating a man outside of your race. Take the time get to know his personality and judge him by that alone.
La’Juanda “LJ” Knight