A Message To Men: Be Careful What You Ask For

“Be careful what you ask for” is an adage that summarizes this entire article. Too often people ask for things, situations, and other people to be brought into their lives in hopes that this will be what brings them the ultimate source of happiness. Once they attain that special thing they find that they now have a new set of concerns that they did not have before.

Right now this might sound very broad to you so I will be more specific. I am talking about men to be specific. Men who make the claim that they want a certain brand of woman without realizing exactly what other characteristics will accompany that type of woman.

Have I lost you yet? Yes? Here is the issue. I often hear men say things like they desire a woman who is career minded and who has her own money and won’t dig in his wallets on a regular basis. Okay. That sounds like a reasonable request in 2010. A woman should be able to take care of herself without the assistance of a man. This same man will find this woman and at first he will be allured by her independent nature. Every time she comes into a room Neyo’s single “Miss Independent” will begin to play as if it is her theme song. He will remain intrigued by her independent nature UNTIL it interferes with his fantasy of her that he has concocted in his mind.

Although women are some of the most multifaceted creatures on the planet, there are certain personality traits that typically accompany a specific characteristic. For instance in the case of the independent woman, she may also be more bossy than the next woman. Perhaps she is used to running her own show and is not as willing to consistently bend to the needs of someone else. Not even her man. Eww… That is a big reality crusher for a lot of men. She may also be so independent that she may be honest in her display of not necessarily NEEDING a man. Sure this may sound like the ideal superwoman but for some men, the idea of a woman not needing them is detrimental to their egos. The notion that she could get up and walk away without rethinking it is a SCARY one.

Another example of this would be the man who wants a woman that is in control of her life. She is sophisticated and career oriented as well. She is demanding of respect in her career and among her co- workers. She may also possess some role of authority at work. Yet another female character type that men say they desire. However they do not consider that if she is naturally aggressive in her career and demanding of herself then those same traits might filter over into other aspects of her life. Like her romantic life. You cannot expect for a woman like this to be docile and accept any bulls**t that you give her simply because you are present. She will undoubtedly be equally demanding of how she is treated and her expectations of you.

Contrary to this, some men prefer quiet, docile women whose life dream is to be a Mother and a wife. I can dig it. Then they become exasperated by her when she has no other dreams or hopes in life. They don’t understand why she is so needy and they resent that quality in her. Chances are this type of woman might also be more dependent on you for her financial security as well. They cannot understand how she can be so complacent about life and her desires. This is what you asked for. All realms of your request are finally on display.

A bitter sweet example of this are the men who desire a woman who is loose and slutty. They initially love how exciting she is and the sex is amazing. She cannot get enough of him. They go on to assume that she will do a 360 because he has entered their life. Sure that may happen on some occasions, i.e Julia Roberts in Pretty woman, but generally that is not the scenario. If it is in her nature to be slutty then that button won’t necessarily shut off automatically the moment a man falls in love with her. Then they become heart broken when she sexes his best friend.

Be careful what you ask for. Sure it may sound like a cheesy line but it would not be constantly repeated if there were no truth to it. You cannot expect for a woman who is naturally a leader to always be able to modify that natural quality in her to your preferred level for your ego’s sake or your comfortableness. You also cannot expect for another woman who is less dominant in nature to be aggressive at your instruction.

The confusion in desires is what upsets me about some men. They are unable to take the time to fully access the full scope of the desires of their heart. The woman is not to blame for not meeting your standards in every capacity. This is why I urge men and women alike, to be honest with themselves about their own needs and desires from the opposite sex. Regardless of who you choose, there will always be something lacking. Do not allow your fantasy to interfere with reality. Reality always wins.

La’Juanda “LJ” Knight


  1. I found this article mostly true, even though the message seemed a little bias… The same feelings are shared vice-versa…

  2. Wonderful article!! This is so true and applies to either sex. I believe that people need to start being realistic instead of living in a fantasy. Many often wonder why the divorce rate is so high. I believe Unrealistic expectations contribute greatly to the divorce rate. People often focus on the “good” of certain personality characteristics with little regard to the whole picture; specifically, as it pertains to personality limitations that we ALL possess.

  3. This article is okay, nothing that hasnt been said already. however, it is not going to change anything. Men are stubborn and stuck in their ways. They are not going to change. Black men in particular are a high commodity for all races of women. Once again black women are at the shorter end of the stick. I consider myself and inpendent woman filled with goals and aspirations but Black men dont want attitude or a sense of entitlement from women. They want meals, peace of mind, and a woman that is going to respect them as men regardless of their income (better be an income though). We can shift for everything else. Shifting for your (good) man shouldnt be too hard. We are making it far to easy for other women to take our men. If we want them to be with us WE are the ones who have to convince them that an indenpendent woman isn’t so bad. Articles like this only perpetuate the situation.

    For example: I work a full-time job but everyday my husband and my kids have a home cook meal. There is no argument as to who should cook. I want my kids to have meals and my husband too. He comes home every day because I make it hard for him not to. He gotten eat right? He’s coming home!

  4. I definitely love this article. It pinpoints all the wrong in a man. Now I’m not sayin that women shouldn’t do their part, but men need to understand that there are different kinds of women, each one with different characteristics. Men n women alike should look into their hearts n know exactly what they want. It’s not fair to either party.

  5. It was a wonderful article. It help me on some old issues in my life. Wondering why i felt like i was always in the wrong at times. Now i’m not saying that i’m a angel but if a man goes to school and working a full time job. When he comes home no meal cooked or some put up he got the right to have an atitude or not. If not somethings wrong i need to know why not?

  6. I want to begin by saying there is no such thing as a “more docile woman”, She is natural woman acting in the way the natural order intended for her to be. This term only exist, because of the high percentage of women influenced by feminism, the emergence of the working class female, and of course childhood manipulation by way of her mother’s possible sour history with a man!

    Nonetheless, unlike this article’s author I will give the independent woman the benefit of the doubt and say they are not single-minded individuals who are totally independent and aggressive in nature. Most of the time her job or career places her in a situation, where to get to her job done or get to a place in her career she possibly only has men who have came before her to emulate and follows their methods of production. I don’t personally have a problem with this, however she needs to leave that at her 9 to 5. Problems occur when these women make the common mistake of taking their job attitudes home with them, I’m your man and you are not my manager. A man can have dreams of an independent woman and still get a docile submissive woman as soon as these women learn how to distinguish between the two and turn each characteristic on and off and use it when it is needed. Simply put at the office you can act like Oprah for all I care, but when you get home I need you to be my wife by way of the biblical word!

  7. Blacksista makes a good point. 10-15 years ago, during the Oprah revolution, rebelling against men was in. But as time moved on, it had the opposite effect. Black men moved away from the Black women and simply became tired of the drama. Hell, I’d settle for peace of mind alone if I could get it. As Black people, we moved away from the roles that define us as a complete Black family. Women shouldn’t see their roles as wives and mothers as one of subservience and men shouldn’t see their roles as husbands and fathers as some sort of binding chain. We haven’t done ourselves any favors. There’s enough blame to go around.

  8. Both sexes are guilty of getting the fantasy/reality characteristics confused. Women do the same thing when we want a man that is cultured, handsome, ambitious and rich, but will still fawn over us and us alone and find time to be a family man. I don’t think its necessarily a bad thing to WANT that sort of thing, its just that ppl have to realize that they’re not perfect and no one else is, but that’s no excuse not to try to be multi-faceted

  9. As a black woman you can be as dynamic and as bossy as you want to or not. However, it is when a woman feels like she can talk down to a man/disrespect him because she makes more money or because he might not have a job or because he might not know exactly how to “please” her or spoil her in some way.
    The respect issue is what keeps black relationships from working more often than not. I find that many black women don’t kno what it means to truly respect a man mainly due to the paucity of black fathers that there really is out here and it’s totally understandable. Basically, we all have faults due to the unbalanced family structure that we have been brought up in. Once we start realizing this, then the black family can move forward, but it wont happen until people start respecting each other again!!!
    Everybody who reads this post needs to read “let’s make a slave” by Willie lynch. It will open your eyes!!!!!!!!

  10. Well said Travis, I totally agree. It’s a respect issue. A man and a woman that respect one another will stand together.

  11. Then there is another kind so use to being misused no matter how nice you are to her, you are up to something she just havnt caught you yet. Personally I wonder when is it too late to having babies I blame myself if I had look further back and took notice that every few years this woman had to give birth because I thought for sure 45 was the cut off point.yes birth control was being used or so I was told .

  12. Timely article. A truly independent woman has her work cut out for her. One of my ex’s wanted me to have my own money, but resented what truly having my own money afforded me the freedom to do. And yes, I did walk, several times. I did not need the b.s. and why stay if you dont have to be dependent on someone else? If I needed him to pay my rent or buy groceries, perhaps I could subjagate myself to him. This was a real problem in our relationship and as much as I loved him, I resented him telling me what to do, how to dress, and especially what to do with MY OWN money. He was one of those old “southern men” where the women are so sweet it could give you a bad case of brittle diabetes. We finally went our separate ways, but it was not without him yelling, “And you are independent! You don’t need a man!” I thought it over very carefully because I truly loved the guy, and no, I did not “need” a man in the sense he wanted to be needed. But I loved him. I think love is enough. Throw every thing else out. Just rest in love, trust, enjoying each other’s company, etc. I’ll be more careful next time. But I know I can’t blame the game of the “underwoman” and take direction from a man purely based on his being a man. He had good advice, none of which I followed, I was so accoustomed to thinking for myself. But suppose I had given all up to him? Well, I would be in a lot worse position today, allowing someone to do my thinking in life for me and following what he said for me to do. Men, be careful what you wish for. If you want a woman with money and her own cars and houses, be ready for her to be accoustomed to running her life her way, because she has been successful at it for so long.

    I am a southern woman and my husband will tell you I am anything but the southern stereotype. My mother, grandmother, etc did not raise no fool. I come from a line of strong women…so strong that it is already known the type of man that will fare ‘better’ in a marriage with us. lol. You are corect, being able to take care of oneself as a woman has its woes. I don’t understand why in todays society SOME men still feel as if breadwinner=in control. Because today most Black woman are breadwinners if not more so than black men. So if that is the standard men are going by, it needs to change, because it ultimately means what? Not sure if breadwinner should equate to being in control because thats an unstable variable.

    I do liv by the old adage that men are the head of the household, but not because of financial reasons. But because I know that following what thus saitht he Lord canonly bring good things into my household. I used to have an issue being anywhere near submissive to my husband, until I saw that in my humbleness I gained far more ground with him than I ever could in anger. Furthermore, he has learned to submit to me as well.

    I have learned to TRY things before dismissing them. Although I am a scientist by nautre and just like to experiment anyway.

  14. Many excellent points expressed on this board…While this article is bringing up an old issue, it certainly hasn’t been one that has beaten to death the way the issue of women and their so-called higher expectations has. I also agree with the author’s points.

    As the article mentions, many men date women whom they consider as non-threatening to their egos or who are more compliant–yet needy. I also noticed that where I live, there seems to be a high correlation between these types of women and women who are physically very beautiful. Yet, many of them are dumber than a bag of rocks. Still the men pursue them because, as we know, men are visually stimulated so they are willing to go to great lengths for these women then cry foul when she either cheats, keeps asking for money (or a pay increase!) or does something else that makes him either run in the other direction, if she hasn’t already ensnared him.

    I also notice that black men and women work in a disparate way; each group has grievances about the other, but neither group or individual is ready to acknowledge their role in this conflict.

    Furthermore, and this is just on a comical note: ever notice how men want a woman to look like a million bucks, but look like 50 miles of bad road themselves?

  15. I agree with the author along with some of the others who’ve posted. At the end of the day, we each have to begin with ourselves. When we know what we want, we can strive what we’re destined for. A friend told me once that love is about self sacrifice. In order to withstand, we must be willing to give all of self, even @ the expense of another. This can either enrich us or embitter us, depending what our ultimate goal is.

Comments are closed.