I’ve always thought that it’s about who you are as a person is what’s important. That’s still true, but I do understand that physical attraction is the most common attention grabber that sparks up interest to get to know someone. For some reason, I used to feel like they just had it easier in social settings. I didn’t want guys harassing me for my phone number, but I wanted to be noticed too, while fully dressed.
At my high school, it seemed like the darker girls had to do more for their attention, and I wasn’t going out like that. I’m not a dark-skinned girl, but I’m not light-skinned either. I like to think of myself as a nice, slightly golden brown, with a reddish tint. My shade is beautiful, I just hate that it took 6 years for me to see it.
That psychological plague only became worse when I started dating. I already felt like I didn’t measure up, but now I had other people adding to that thought by giving the attention that should have belonged to me, to the “redbones”, or the half-naked darker ones. If they were looking at girls that were similar, it would have been easier to comprehend, insulting nonetheless, but I would be able to make the connection. However, gawking over girls that I look nothing like is just downright disrespectful. Eventually, I got strong enough to say, “If you want her so bad, then why are you here?” I obviously don’t look like them and I never will, I’m fine with that.
It took a relationship, my longest relationship, and Katt Williams’ The Pimp Chronicles Part 1, to understand that no one else is responsible for the way that I feel about me. As I approach the age of 25, I reflect a lot on my adolescence and early 20s. The goal is to find where I need to take responsibility in previous sadness, pain, and failures, so that I don’t fall victim to “playing the victim.” My exes were responsible for making me feel insecure about our relationships, but I was responsible for my own insecurities about myself. At any moment, I could have left them and not let the staring at other girls slide, but I chose to stay and developed “low self-esteem.”
Lighter woman are simply beautiful, just as are other women with great personalities. I found peace in myself once I woke up and understood that these girls weren’t directly and intentionally causing me negative feelings. I had to start blaming the right people, myself and my exes. I know that I have good looks, brains, personality, and most importantly, my faith in God. I plan to spend the next 6+ years encouraging others to come out of that same restraint and stop creating a shadow that doesn’t exist.