Admit it. We Need Each Other

Making Marriage Last Does needing a partner make you weak? In my opinion no. Jill Scott put it best in her song “We Need You”. Now the word “need” is a strong one and can be interpreted in many ways. When I say “need” I do not mean it in the connotation of saying that a person cannot live without another person, is incomplete without a person or cannot be successful without a person. Obviously needing a person is not the same as needing water, food and air. However, there is nothing wrong with wanting a life partner.

Wanting a person to share your life with, to love you and only you, to grow with both physically and mentally does not equate to you being weak or less capable of being independent. It is a part of human nature. This desire was present in cave men who had their own system of partnerships between man and woman. So, when I hear men and women both expressing their distaste and disdain for the opposite sex, it confuses me.

I want to address my sistas first because I empathize with them the most and have experienced many of the the heartaches that would bring you to the conclusion that being alone is not only better but the only option. “Girl, I do not need a man, F**k having a man. What can a man do for me? I can take care of my baby alone. He does not need a daddy etc, etc”. Girl stop, that is fear talking. True you can do all those things alone but is that what you REALLY want? Many women are afraid of being hurt by the opposite sex and think it to be fruitless to have a lasting relationship with a man. They might have experienced what they thought was a loving relationship and it might have exploded in their face. They do not want to get hurt so, they give up. They push the idea of it out of their heads. They decide that love is non existent and it can never be evident in their lives. Trust me, I get it.

Now for the brothas. Sigh. When I see men treating their friends better than their girlfriends, or wives, it makes me wonder are they gay? Are they in the closet and feel obligated to date women to keep their cover but would really rather be with a man. Naturally the heterosexual man would immediately dismiss what I am saying and explain how his boys should come before his wife or girl. His reasons for devaluing a woman’s worth in his life or placing her second to his boys usually are because they feel on some level that women cannot be trusted and blah blah. Alright, then why be with someone that you cannot trust. Boy stop! Now, if you are in a newly established relationship or not married then I can understand that ideology to an extent. You are still getting to know the person. However, the whole bro’s before hoes thought process is laced with homosexual qualities. Sorry brothas. Especially, considering the fact that in most cases, a girlfriend would be more inclined to be loyal and altruistically look out for the well being of her man more so than a guy would his friends. There is a certain type of love between a man and a woman that cannot be duplicated in a friendship between males. There is a role that the right woman can play in your life that can be irreplaceable. The same for a woman and the right man. Unfortunately, some men would rather place superior value on their friends while devaluing their women to demonstrate that they are tough. To them, it is cool to place a women in a subordinate role in the realm of your affection. Now you don’t look like a sucka. No, you might not look like a sucka for love brotha but you do look kinda gay. This is not their intention obviously, which is why when I express this to my heterosexual male friends who exhibit this behavior they immediately become offensive. “I ain’t gay man!”. Well, don’t do gay things like spending more time chasing after your boys than your wife/girl. Brotha, if you are constantly talking about how women ain’t s**t but bit**es and hoes, broes over hoes and other catchy slogans then do not become offended when I ask you are you gay? Because if you are talking like that around me, I certainly will ask you. How else do you think you will appear to a woman with half a thought process streaming through her?

Making Marriage Last Keep up with me. This is part of the reason why things are in such disarray between men and women (Notice I said part of the reason not THE only reason). Women are too afraid to “need” anyone other than themselves for fear of the hurt and pain they might go through if that relationship results in them breaking up. On the other hand, men are equally afraid of being vulnerable, whether they admit it or not and would rather place all of their love and affection into the friendships they have with men because it requires a less deep connection.

It may appear that I’m coming down harder on the man and yes I am. Not because I am a man hater, it is quite the opposite. I love men. I love my brothas. Alot. Which is why when I see them exhibiting behavior that is self destructive and makes them look like fools that I have to say something. Truth be told, I see more men with the bros over hoes approach to life than women. It is in their music, movies, and every day culture. Now, in all fairness I do see the independent woman banner being thrown about as well but in many cases there is a balance there. Most women want to feel loved but are afraid of the pain so they give up and channel that emotion into something else like their career. That is something that they can exercise more control over it’s success or failure. In a relationship, you HAVE to work with the partner for it to be successful.

The special love between a man and woman seems to be slowly fading away in our culture. I have nothing against gays however this post is not directed towards you. I am talking to my heterosexual brothas and sistas who have built such a tall wall of disdain and anger towards each other that they forget that the concept of yearning for a partner in life is not only natural but healthy. When you are in a healthy, loving relationship, usually you are a happier person. If you are never happy in this life then what are you here for? Despite what many of the more stubborn kind might admit, everyone likes to feel loved, wanted, and needed.

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22 Comments

  1. Amen, AmEn, AMEN!!! Yes, sista you most DEFINITELY said this one and I agree with you immensely and if it was possible, MORE than a 100%. Speak! You are soooo gonna be my “friend” on Facebook. LOL…great article.

  2. Absolutley. I’ve told my husband I love him and need him. Men need to hear that. I think so many women have this “I don’t need nobody” attitude that it can drive men away. God forbid, but if I have to live with out my husband I could, but I don’t want to. Great article.

  3. This site and its article never cease to surprise me! Excellent article. I see some of my own mannerisms in this. Thanks for opening my eyes!

  4. Excellent Topic!

    I was driving yesterday and they’re playing Christmas music and I hear Luther Vandross’ “Merry Christmas” and “What do the lonely do” by the Emotions I believe. I thought, wow, how often do we hear songs that are really beautiful? Like the ballads of Janet (Many), Whitney (Most of her catalogue), Mariah (“Hero”) Yolanda Adams (“Be Blessed”), Boys II Men, Baby Face, etc….

    Our music does reflect what’s going on in our relationships!

    Broes over Hos is so true, in any given mall across america, you will see brothas in groups at the mall, eating, going to the movies, shopping, etc. You know they’re sexing someone up, making booty calls and some being financially compensated for their time!

    At the same time, men haven’t changed much, but women have. Our expectations can be too low, sometimes we let the man know way too much and its used against us. Men still like a good chance and you can never allow him to feel that he’s completely caught you. It’s just the kind of creatures they are. Men want mystery, most men don’t want their girl walking around half dressed, loud, mannish, he forms an image in his mind, but his tongue says whatever he thinks you need to hear for him to get his way!

  5. Nikki Giovanni gave some excellent advice and it really works…she says, when you’re out with a man, just keep looking at your watch, he will be interested in what’s really on your mind! Keep a busy life and don’t expend so much energy into relationships early on, realize your value, a lesson that took me sometime to learn!

    Many men are attracted to whores, bottom line and nothing else will do, so you come along and he’s fond of you but miss the drama, so he creates some! The same goes for women who love the rush of bad boys. So know you can’t have it both ways, drama and stability! It’s an old cliché’ but you must love yourself first. Then you can better trust because you have developed judgment and are willing to walk away from a forthcoming train wreck and bypass the thrills until it happens. As Maya Angelou says, “when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

  6. Sistas don’t have to let a man know how well she’s got it going on, drive your car, enjoy your crib, career and other adventures you can provide for yourself and your kids. Don’t speak it, people see you! White girls and other women got the seduction thing on lock, they didn’t have to deal with slavery, masses of broken families, racism and sexism. But, sweeten your tea, be feminine yet strong, soft but firm, compassion but wise because men sure like honey!

    A man told me once that “a man knows within six months if he wants to marry a woman,” so stop wasting time on promises or trying to change a bad boy into a prince or a whore into your wife.

    Everyone won’t get a life partner and only God knows who will find true love. Don’t settle to avoid being alone, create your own fun, live life to the limit and be good to your fellow sistas. Don’t be misused by your man or your girs! Do you, love you and others will follow!

  7. I think everything that needed to be said, has been said. Excellent post

  8. Outstanding Post!!! Fantastic!! I am getting married in March and prior to meeting this wonderful black man who is everything I’ve prayed and ask GOD for. Thank you GOD. I was single and celibate for quite a few years and felt like GOD was not going to give me a husband. Thank you GOD this man is so kind, thoughtful,considerate and genuinely sweet that I pinch him a lot to see if he is real. It’s been three years and he is the same. For my sista’s who feel that it will never ever happen…it will. Faith isn’t some magical ingredient. It does, however, lead to a confident attitude toward God. Faith motivates our minds to the assurance of God’s power and will to act in our lives. Faith becomes more than a mental conviction as it grows into a commitment, not only to trust God to involve Himself in our lives, but to do His will. Sometimes in doing his will we need to step out of our comfort zones,get rid of the same routines, same church (visit different churches, meet new people…step out on faith!!! GOD DELIVERS!!!!

  9. The only female on the planet who went through a phase where they were acting like they didn’t need their men was black women and look at the state of our communities without men.

  10. Much wisdom Cynthinia! Girl, I was soaking up everything u said….just enchanced this already terrific article 🙂 Congratulations Myshel! I’m so happy God has answered your prayers. You give me hope…congrats my beautiful brown sista!

  11. I have no shame in saying I want to be loved by a man. Yes, the career, the traveling, the education is all well and good, but at the end of the day I want to be loved, cherished, and covered by a strong man of God. And if any woman says she doesn’t she is lying to herself.

  12. well I say to each it’s own I don’t want a man, just got out of a 12 year relationship it’s not worth it to me. I rather be alone and happy than to put up with drama but great post though everybody’s not meant to be in a relationship some people are better off alone…

  13. I think everyone needs friendship in order to feel happy. However, every woman DOES NOT NEED A MAN. I think pop culture and our community has convinced us that being in a romantic relationship makes us happier. From some of the stuff I’ve experienced personally and stuff friends of mine have went through, I disagree. Some romantic relationships make people feel horrible.

    My point is this. Having anyone in your life that’s positive, loving, and loyal will make you happy. That someone can be a parent, friend, mentor, etc. It doesn’t have to be a man. Having a good man in your life can make you happier, but if you don’t have a man, seek out companion ship with a lady or family member or gay male, or develop a platonic relationship with a man. But don’t think that being in a romantic relationship is the only way to be happy. Its not. I know that from experience.

  14. Thank you kourtney…keep your hope alive!! My bestfriend works for the Federal Government was on travel in Alaska met her husband she was single for 10years..it’s important to create change in your life to grow,to do things you never thought you would do to meet men. Go on a road trip cross country, take up hiking, teach a class, dare to be different. A lot of black men are in jail, gay or just master manipulators and narcisst dogs that prey on nice women or women with low self-esteem. Meeting a real good man can be scarce..However, they are out there they are usually in places we as sista’s do not want to go such as IOWA, IDAHO, Nebraska, Montana, Alaska, Vermont and Colorado. My sista’s there are single men!!! We still have options!

  15. @CYNTHINIA
    I live by that saying from our sister Maya Angelou! I heard it even before my last relationship, and in retrospect, I should have taken heed to those words instead of just knowing them…Although, my opinion of men has been altered, since then, I refuse to let it ruin my chance at true love with the man that God created just for me! That is the difference. You can forget me giving that much power to a man who is no longer a part of my life>>> It’s what you do and what countless women before us have done with these types of situations that have shaped our view of men today. I say give life a chance to happen before you try and control the outcome of a story that is not yet over.

  16. Yogi you are right they are lying..:)I would always say that I did not need a man..it was one of my favorite lines because my heart had been torned out the frame. I think a lot of women say that because they have been hurt in a horrific way and they shut down shut out the world.I was reading a post on here written by Thomas Jones Megan Goode’s boyfriend and it was POWERFUL!!!! Here it goes….ESSENCE.COM: Good to hear. The question was: What are thoughts for Black women when it comes to love?

    JONES: Don’t expect something you aren’t working towards. Don’t look for a man to respect you when you don’t respect yourself. Everything you do eventually will come back, though it might not happen when you expect. You have to work on you. People say they want a good guy or have been praying, and a lot of time God gives you that time to work on yourself. That way when you do find him, you’re ready. A lot of times, somebody will come across your path, and you’re not ready for that, or you’re looking for something else, and it’s right in front of you. POWERFUL!! I took those give long years of being single and celibate and work really hard on me…loving me

  17. I just wanted to add that yes, some women miss out on having a man because they are not prepared for one. BUT some women don’t have a man because that’s not their destiny. Like Jesus, they were meant to be single.

    So, women should enjoy being single. Not live their life wishing for a man and trying to better themselves so they can get one. If you are single right now, spend quality time with God and the people God has already placed in your life.

    And maybe God will send you a man, but maybe he won’t. Either way, if you focus your thoughts and energy on God and the people God has already put in your life, eventually you would feel just as happy being single as you would feel being in a romantic relationship with a with a man.

  18. @Kourtney

    Wisdom comes through trial and great tribulation and I’ve had my fair share! Stalk yourself and know your boundaries and don’t compromise them!

    @Sweethearth

    If we could only believe people when they tell us who they are, how much heartache we would be spared! But, you bring what you have with you and timing is everything, as we evolve, not settle, the right person, people come our way. While the numbers can look dismal, the odds are still pretty good because you attract your reflection!

    We may have attracted a selfish, callous, jealous-hearted man or woman, but what we have in common is similiar insecurities…fear, not feeling quite good enough, feelings of inadequacies, self-consciousness etc…while some don’t go around hurting people, some people do. So we must be courageous, as fearless as possible and confident, by whatever means necessary!

  19. I took several classes and read many books trying to understand why I would be repeatedly hurt by people…why would attract people unable to receive love or just mean and evil people, men and friends? While I was very insecure, I was still a go-getter, free hearted, a party girl, around the way girl, book worm, free spirit. The “FREE-SPIRIT” is what created the many love/hate relationships. Today, I trust because I know the gift of “good-bye.”

  20. I want to understand why someone has to be lying if you never walked a mile in there shoes then you don’t know there story,. I say what I mean and really have grown past what people think of me. I don’t want one or need one but that’s just me. And i’m to trying to sell you my dream because it doesn’t matter just letting you know that does not mean your lying it means your done….

  21. I am not sure that Jill Scott is an example for what other brown sistas should be with regard to our men. But, I do agree that in order to survive, and to live, we need each other. The issue is whether our brothers fees the same.

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