Bad Love: Don’t Stay Too Long

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” –Erica Jong

I caught J.Lo’s Behind the Music the other night and while I’m not really a fan, I definitely enjoyed watching the evolution of her love life.

One part that certainly stood out was her interpretation of her relationship with Puff, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy (whew).  She said she knew it would never last but she stayed with him anyway.  That’s probably the only common ground we have.

I thought back to my last relationship.  On the surface he had everything I wanted in a man.  He was tall, attractive, confident, successful, stable, educated, family-oriented and spiritually grounded.  It didn’t hurt that we built a great friendship to start it all off.  But something was missing.

I sought the council of my closest friends, who thought I was crazy and still in love with my ex before him when I kept saying to them “something is missing.”  Instead of listening to that voice inside of my head, I allowed myself to believe that it was me and my issues.  So I stayed with him.

Months passed and despite my growing suspicions, I had nothing to prove my argument that something was wrong.  I stayed because he had “the” package.  I stayed because when something went wrong in his life, it was the right thing to do.

It took him months before he sat me down to explain he’d been cheating. He explained that much of the overtime and travelling was filled with the attention of another woman.  So it made perfect sense when he came home tired.  It made perfect sense that he was too overwhelmed to send flowers on major days or to arrive on time for dinner the first time he met my dad.  He was wearing himself thin running around the city with “friends.”

SMH at myself because along with the woman’s intuition I had a God given gift to recognize game when I saw it but I didn’t listen to myself.

Neither did J.Lo.

What I learned from that relationship and what J.Lo seemed to have learned from her time with Puff is that the only person you owe something to is yourself.  Far too often women make a sacrifice of a need, not a want, to stay with a man who doesn’t appreciate or recognize that she did it to love him.

Women will play wife, mother and home-girl to a fool who she knows doesn’t deserve it.  But she’ll remain patient hoping that him or something will change.

It’s not until Shyne is popping caps in a club and we’re finger printed that the J.Lo’s of the world are like, “Wait! What the hell am I doing here?”  I mean it’s not that drastic for most of us but it shouldn’t have to be.

It’s time we start seriously listening to what our wisdom tells us.  Trust your gut.  You were given instinct for a reason; it’s to help you survive.

It’s nice to have friends to run ideas by but at the end of the day, no one knows your truth better than you.  Embrace it.

It may leave you single longer than you hoped but at least you won’t be sleeping with one eye open.

Get my drift?

-Ashley Charisma is the author of School of Black Love.  For more info on Ashley Charisma and the novel visit

You can also follow Ashley Charisma on:
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  1. Yea, her behind the music was very interesting. All the falling in and out of love that she did.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  2. Negro please..she stayed with Puffy cause she wanted that “street cred” when it started to get too hood in her life..she bounced..she married her gay backup dancer to get Puffy off of her”didn’t work right away”…and then she saw Ben..the white boy she always wanted since high school. and divorced Chris..when the White boy couldnt take all the Latin Heat!! he dumped her and now she is with the not so handsom Mark Anthony..she may seem like she is happy but come on!!! She should have stuck with her first husband..He was fine!!!! :iagree: :iagree: but he was waiter..oh well!!

  3. The article isn’t about Diddy and Jennifer. It is about the writer and her own experiences. She only used the Diddy/Jen situation to draw parallels to her own life.

    Think, why don’t you people?

    There is a lesson in this post or are you too blind to see because of your dislike of the celebs who are only briefly mentioned.

  4. Many women tend to sacrifice too much of themselves and their time for what? Comfortability of some sort?

  5. :iagree: This is sooo true!!

    We always have our intuition/instinct, we need to learn to follow them more often…

  6. “It’s nice to have friends to run ideas by but at the end of the day, no one knows your truth better than you. Embrace it.”
    this is the one rule of life i have decided I’m going to live by. some ppl like to say put God first and seek his instructions, but i believe that while that is true, intuition is Gods voice speaking to us.

    @isntitfunny its so sad that the point off this article went completely over your head. oh well :hifive: Ashley

  7. Just when I don’t have cable anymore, the shows start to get good. I can’t relate to people who have been in love because I’ve never been in love before. But at least JLo realized her patterns and have finally found true love.

  8. :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: ..i know it wasn’t about Jen and her just was that part of the article that i decided to comment on..why the snide comment??No need to get ur undies in a bunch hun!! :bag: :bag:

  9. ok i apologize isntitfunny, i just thought you were coming to complain only. sorry.

  10. ..Sigh…I like this post..I have been there a few times…being patient waiting for someone to change and sacrificing too much for somoneone who doesn’t appreciate or recongize it…not a good feeling. :noway:

  11. These type of articles always hit the heart because, its the truth and love like this doesn’t just apply to women, men are just as emotional if not more than women…

  12. Thank you everyone for your responses. I think far too often we sugar coat the truths of life and its great to have a place where we can be honest. We all make decisions that shape and mold who we become. So I think its nice to have a place to talk about the realities of life. I’ve learned a lot from other peoples stories…

  13. I think most women can relate to this issue in some way, but I can only speak for myself, and this definitely applied to me! The most important thing that I learned after that “emotional rollercoaster” was over is ALWAYS listen to your intuition. If there is a feeling that keeps nagging at you about someone, and it NEVER goes away, it’s worth taking the time to listen to it and address the issue with your partner. If it still doesn’t get better, it’s time to leave. That’s just my honest opinion, though! 🙂

  14. I agree that we should listen to our “gut”, and move on when we need to do so. Just as J lo did not continue to stay in a relationship that was not only bad in love but potentially,physically dangerous (shootout)and landed her in jail for some hours, we should all move on and not worry about what others have to say about it unless you really trust and respect them. Even then, we must make the final decision as to what is best for our lives. I know that I have stayed too long before with men who weren’t treating me right, and I definitely wouldn’t stay with anyone who could “assist” me in landing in jail for even one hour or even being handcuffed at a jail. As women, we also need to be on guard against being in “awe” of any man, such as their status in life or the way that he may have such a take-charge attitude in a huge corporation. I’ve heard a lot of that over my years even on a small scale, and it shoudln’t matter whether he’s running a school district or a Senator, we have to hold men accountable for how they treat us consistently each day.

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