Is Your Man Cheating with Another Man a Deal Breaker?


Unfortunately, infidelity is a HUGE problem in many relationships nowadays, in and out of marriage. For some reason, at one point or another, many people experience a cheating partner/spouse and are left wondering what to do.

This topic is very interesting to me because as I continue to grow and learn, God is showing me:
1) As a human, I have a limited amount of knowledge
2) I don’t know everything I think I do

Now, why at the mere age of 23 I believed I had a handle on this thing called life is beyond me. When it came to dating, relationships, infidelity, etc. I just knew my beliefs were right. But again, like any good and loving Father, God has been showing me, “You really don’t know anything.”

Take our topic of infidelity: I used to put cheating into a one-size-fits all category. A+B=C, i.e. a mate/partner + cheating/cheated= end of relationship. I had my mind made up that if a person loved you 1) he/she would never be unfaithful and 2) if the person did the relationship should immediately be terminated because he/she clearly demonstrated your value (or lack thereof) in the person’s life. There were no ifs, ands, or buts; cheating was a black-and-white issue with me.

Oh, the mind of the young, naïve and inexperienced!

There I was, a young woman believing I had the “formula” for relationships 1) having never experienced really bad things with men and 2) having only been in one, what you can classify as, “real” committed relationship. I’ve heard stories from family and friends about how badly men have dogged and played them, and though I’ve had a few eye openers and learned lessons, I honestly had never really had my heart broken or have been betrayed or hurt by a man I loved and trusted. How did I think I knew it all never having walked in the “bad relationships” shoes before? You see the error in my ways? Thank God for correction!

I’ve come to learn that cheating is not a black-and-white issue nor does it have a universal solution. A + B doesn’t always equal C, but it’s more like the product of A +B is going to differ from person to person, situation to situation, and relationship to relationship. Because cheating can have varying degrees, and therefore, varying levels of how it’s viewed and handled. Here are a few real-life examples that have helped recently open my eyes:

Example #1
Girl dates boy off and on for the past seven years. Girl and boy have a falling out (not a breakup). Boy cheats on girl by having sex with another girl. Yet, in the past, Girl became emotionally attached to other men.

Example #2
After a 4-year relationship and talks of marriage, Boy confesses to Girl that during the first two years of their relationship he was unfaithful; yet since confessing his sin and moving forward with God, he has been 100 percent faithful every since.

Example #3
Wife is very busy in professional school working toward degree. Husband feels neglected and finds sexual comfort in another woman.

Example #4
Husband comes home late every night and doesn’t want to make love to Wife anymore. After investigating, Wife discovers Husband in bed with another man.

You see how different each situation is? And these are all just basic outlines; each has details that make the situations much more complicated. And as I keep hearing about infidelity more and more, whether it be in general or from loved ones, I’ve begun to wonder if cheating is/ should really be a deal breaker like I had always thought?

Ladies, I want to specifically ask your opinion about the last example because this is becoming a prevalent issue in society. You wouldn’t believe the number of men I’ve heard about or come into contact with who are “experimenting.” The recent Mister Cee scandal is a perfect example. These men, out of curiosity they say, are doing sexual things with other men…just “experimenting.” They don’t think they’re gay; they just want to “try it out.”

And now so many women are left confused because if being cheated on and having your trust betrayed isn’t bad enough, now you’re throwing a whole different ball into the game. I mean, I’ve always imagined how hurt and in shock I’d be if my man was ever unfaithful, but if he was unfaithful with another man? Wow.

So, in the spirit of stepping back, being more open minded, and embracing that fact that I am still learning and don’t know everything, I really want to know your take on this ladies. Is cheating an end all? Is it truly once a cheater always a cheater? Or does everyone deserve a second chance?

And to take it a step further, does the “degree” of the indiscretion influence your reaction to infidelity? Would you, as a woman, feel the same way about your man cheating on you with a man as you would him cheating on you with another woman? Is cheating cheating, no matter what? Or are some cases worse than others?

After seeing this issue of supposed heterosexual men cheating on women with other men arise so much lately, it definitely made me question my response if ever in this situation. Maybe I’m not fully there yet, but I can be honest and say that for me it would definitely be different than if it were a female; and it would most certainly be a deal breaker—no questions asked. What about all of you?

Service is her passion, writing is her platform, uplifting women and the Black Community is her purpose. Shala Marks is a writer, editor and soon-to-be author. Through her work, Marks aspires to demonstrate “The Craft of Writing, and the Art of Efficacy.” She has a B.A. in journalism from Arizona State University. Connect with her at:

I Never Knew What Great Sex Was Until…


Before I continue right where I left off from the last article, there are a few things I need to say that women should never take for granted:

* The bliss of vacation sex… never, and I mean NEVER conk out early on a hotel bed otherwise, you’ll never be invited again.
* The upper-body strength of men—hey, I’m a feminist, but that couch ain’t gonna move itself
* Your fertile years… yea-yea, I know it’s un-P.C. to say so, but it’s true
* The great guy who never takes YOU for granted
* Your partner’s sex face… it may not be pretty, but at least you know he’s satisfied
* Fork me, spoon me… get the picture?
* Slightly dirty text messages throughout the day—it’s all about the buildup (see other article regarding this)
* And lastly, the Trojan Vibrating Ring. Fun and orgasm inducing.

You know, I’ve got to say, I never really knew what great sex was until… I stopped trying to be sexy. That’s right. I thought that good sex relied on fundamentals like: steamy glares, artful hair whipping, and a myriad of passionate cries of ecstasy. And believe me, I had it all down to a science until I got serious with my now husband of 28 years. Prior to that, other guys had either enjoyed the show or were just too wrapped up in their own show to care about my pleasure. And ladies, especially you women with long hair; be very careful about whipping your hair around. Things might go awry and you might knock yourself unconscious; he will laugh at you, because now the act is more slapstick burlesque than sexual art.

Most men, believe it or not, espouse the virtues of simple, unadorned pleasure; they prefer true intimacy and bliss. So this is not the time to start stressing about whether your ass is well built or did you wax enough “down there” or if your breasts are sagging or not. Then there’s the smell factor: how one smells in bed could be a deal breaker. After a shower or bath, women tend to smother their natural scent with sprays and oils. This ritual has marred many a sex lives. First of all, if you spritz “down there” with perfume, it will irritate and burn your partner, especially if he’s not wearing a condom. And since you know that your partner will be “putting in work” by “going down” on you; you start worrying if “eau de stink” is wafting from your nether regions, so you spray “down there” with perfume… damn near killing him because he’s ingesting the perfume; and/or his attempts are met with locked legs. Ladies, simply let your inhibitions go. Inhale deeply, and savor the musk of your mingling scents.

And don’t forget to scream for me, okay?

A.G. Thornton is a writer an author of FAMILY, FRIENDS, HUSBANDS and LOVERS… THE BEST OF ENEMIES

Great Sex… Are You Getting Any?


Okay ladies, I’m giving you diamonds and pearls here, so please pay close attention. I will try to address most of the sexual problems here and if not, there’s always next month to continue, for however long it takes to resolve these issues, such as:

1. speed demons in bed
2. robots
3. spitty kissers
4. nipple pinchers, and so on…

Suffer no more. I will share some strategies for turning a so-so lover into a lover who CAN and WILL rock your world…with a few carefully laid hints. Trust mother, I’ve been there. You meet a guy, you’re into him—he’s into you, things are going so well, until…he sucks in bed. His technique is lacking and he’s doing that annoying thing with his tongue/hand/leg (take your pick). You finally ask yourself, “How did he get this far knowing so little?” Finally you’re thinking about the last slice of pineapple cheesecake in the refrigerator and you want to get it before your greedy roommate beat you to it OR you’re envisioning the cute expensive boots you saw in Bloomingdale’s. It’s never a good sign when your mind leaves the bedroom and into a department store. Then, you hope that your boring lover will turn out the lights and lock up when he’s done so that you can get some damn sleep, because a sista’s got things to do tomorrow. But what’s a girl to do? Years ago, the immature me would’ve thrown him back into the dating pool and kept it moving.

A lot of women usually suffer in silence, tsk-tsk. OR you can teach an old dog some new tricks. Let’s get one thing straight! Making a guy better in bed is actually about making sex better for you, period. And believe it or not, despite the sexual revolution and women’s lib, a lot of Black women are still Victorian in their thinking and are afraid to ask for what they want in bed. That’s why white women are taking your men, because brothers want some “brain” and you sistas won’t oblige.

Fortunately, there are women like myself who are bold and assertive and know how to ask for what we want instead of planning shopping sprees in the middle of sex. So now, pay attention, because basically, it’s all about honest communication:

The Orally Challenged Spitty Kisser
A lot of guys do not know how to kiss, period. Some kiss with tight lips locked up like fort knox. Some kiss very drooly, like a teething baby (are you dry-heaving yet?). You can do the immature thing during a make-out session and grab a towel to wipe your mouth…and if he continues, you fetch a mop…that being said, I like to also add that a lot of guys don’t know how to please a woman orally either. For most women, this flaw is a complete deal breaker. It’s not something you can teach. I of course disagree. You can’t go in thinking that you’re going to get perfect sex every time. If you really like him and think he’s worth the time, work with
him…simply ask him, “How do you like to be kissed?” Believe it or not, most guys are open and upfront about discussing it. Soon, after you do this, he’ll be eager to emulate and reciprocate. Once you have an open line of communication going, you can continue telling him what you like and how.

The Speed demon
I once had a boyfriend tell me he was done, while I was unlocking my front door to get into my apartment…just kidding. For a lot of men, anticipation is simply too much for them…more than they can handle. If he’s that way, maybe you shouldn’t build it up too much. If you’re going to see him that night, don’t send dirty emails or leave sexy phone messages, because as he watches you disrobe…one part schoolgirl outfit, one part striptease, he’s already ejaculated in his shorts and it’s good night Tyrone.

The Jack hammer
You ever had a guy nail you…literally, like an oil derrick? You feel like a piece of meat, right? Don’t hurt his feelings, girls. Men’s egos are very fragile and not as resilient as they’d like to think, so go easy on him. Give subtle directions with compliments—it’s all in the way you approach it. Tell him gently to slow down or “Wow, that feels good when you’re gentle”, and quickly follow it up with, “but don’t stop”. The results will please you…and him.

Nipple Pinchers/ Biters
Apparently, some lying heifer…or Rottweiler puppy, told some guy, and he told some other guys, that it felt good to us for them to chew and suck on our nipples as hard as they can. Listen up girls, if you want to keep your nipples, you must show him what you like. Try it on him what you want done to you. Then, do it his way, rough and gnawing cannibal like…he’ll get the message. Trust mother.

When he thrusts your head
Women don’t you hate that? This is a pretty common move from most guys while you’re giving them Fellatio. Sometimes when you attempt to lift your head for air, they misinterpret that to mean you’re done; so they thrust your head harder, thereby gagging you with their member and making you dry heave. Soooo not sexy. So, this is what you should do. Get several scarves and tie his arms behind his back and also blindfold him. Whisper in his ear, “I run this show…you simply relax and enjoy the ride.” And he will.

To Be Continued On The Next Article…

A.G. Thornton is a writer an author of FAMILY, FRIENDS, HUSBANDS and LOVERS…THE BEST OF ENEMIES

Is Love Cursed by Monogamy?

Kanye West begs us to ponder a crucial question when it comes to exclusive relationships and marriage: “Is love cursed by monogamy?” In this day and age it’s very likely that you’ve either been cheated on before, have cheated on your significant other, will cheat on your significant other in the future or will be cheated on. Is this a sad reality that we will have to come to terms with or is it possible to have a monogamous and loving relationship for a sufficient amount of time?

Imagine a world where polygamy was the norm and people were expected to date more than one person at a time. Polyamorous is a word used to describe a person who has several intimate relationships at a time. When sitting to consider the benefits of being in this type of relationship and having the acceptance of all parties involved it sounds ideal. You get to basically have your cake and eat it too. But if you are a woman dating three different men who all know about each other, you may reach a point where you start developing stronger feelings for one of the men that you’re dating…then what? It is an innate human desire to want to be with someone and experience a close relationship but what happens when you want someone exclusively to yourself? The thought of someone you love being intimate with someone else is enough to insight the green-eyed monster in anyone. How can you be nonchalant while watching the person you love, loving someone else?

I’ve heard the saying “if you’re not ready to be exclusive, don’t be in a relationship,” but what about those in polyamorous relationships? The beauty of a relationship or marriage lies in knowing that you have found someone who cherishes and loves you enough to make a commitment to be with only you. Without that sense of security, the glamour of a relationship fades. Why even be in a relationship with someone if you guys are free to date and commit to many other people? Monogamy, although a difficult concept for many to grasp, is what makes a relationship so amazing. Despite the temptations of others around you, perhaps the true test of love is being able to commit to one person and only one person. Being in a polyamorous relationship could be fun at first; the ability to have relationships with several men sounds appealing. But at some point it’s nice to feel like someone loves and cares about you enough to commit to you and share their life with you and only you.

Janice Gassam is a graduate student currently getting her degree in Industrial Organizational Psychology. To contact Janice her email is
You can also add her on any of the following social network sites.
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Which was Better?

Do you remember your two big firsts? I remember mine like they were yesterday.

My first kiss was at the age of fifteen. It was with the most gorgeous guy who I will call Mark.

While visiting me one day, we were watching television and during the first commercial he leaned in and kissed me. I remember that while it was happening I felt as if I was floating above my body, watching the entire moment unfold. It was truly magical, and I can honestly say that to this day no kiss has ever matched the one I shared that day with Mark.

As for my other big first, it was a very forgettable experience. I think my expectations may have been a bit too high. I truly expected my first time to be like what I had seen in the movies. I expected it to be super romantic and last for hours and hours. Sadly, it was not very romantic and at best it lasted for 30 minutes… tops.

I was twenty at the time and remember feeling a great loss- like I would never be able to get this moment back. My partner, who I will call by his real name (lol), Guy, was very happy with himself when it was over. He really thought he had put in work. I mean sucking my nipples through my heavy ass sweater, did he really think that was a hot experience for me? Uggg!

I won’t even talk about his complete lack of knowledge of the female body. Hello… my clit’s over here (lol).

Ok, let me stop before this becomes a bashing-my-ex post.

Anyway ladies, answer the question. Which Was Better: Your First Kiss of Your First Time?

I Don’t Do That: Sexual No-No’s

Making love to your partner for the first time can really be a tricky affair. Chances are your nerves are already wrecked as it is. Wondering if the other person will like your body or if that weird mole on your nipple will scare them off, are probably just a few of the crazy thoughts swirling through your head already.

Nothing however can make that situation worse than discovering your significant other wants to either perform or have you perform some sexual act that you find offensive. From butt spankings to salad tossings, nothing seems to be off the menu today for many people. However many women still remain traditional and even conservative when it comes to what they will and won’t do in the bedroom.

So today’s question is a simple one: What sexual acts are absolutely, positively off the menu for you?

5 Reasons Why Women Should Hold Out

When it comes to sex, men and women view the act in completely different ways. For a woman, sex is more of an emotional connection whereas for men sex is just a physical act, satiating their sexual appetite. There is the age old debate of when the right time to have sex in a relationship is. Well I’m here to tell you that the longer you wait the better. I have compiled a list of five reasons why you should hold out (for as long as humanely possible) when you meet someone and get into a relationship.

1. Sex clouds people’s judgment. If you are with someone who mistreats you, but the intimate side of the relationship is enjoyable, women tend to stay in that unhealthy relationship because they are being satisfied sexually. How much sense does that make? There are six billion people in this world; I’m sure you can find someone else to satisfy you and treat you well.

2. If you are out here giving your goodies to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, you depreciate you own self worth. A basic principle of economics is the law of supply and demand. Anything that is in low circulation will have an increased price and value. Not that I am saying a female’s body parts can be priced but I am speaking hypothetically. You lose exclusivity when you exploit yourself and allow any and every man to have a piece of you. Make yourself a commodity.

3. Something as intimate as intercourse should be shared with someone you actually care about. Any intimate experience shared with someone that you love and care about makes that experience much more enjoyable. Many people claim that they would never hold out in a relationship because that would be like buying a car before you test drive it. Be that as it may, like I stated earlier, if you are doing something with someone that you care about, the experience will be much better than if it were with someone you barely knew. Practice makes perfect. No one starts out doing something well. They must perform it until it becomes a well-refined skill. The same can be applied to being intimate with someone.

4. Waiting to be intimate leaves something to look forward to in your relationship. If you meet someone and the first thing you do with them, before you even know their last name is have a one night stand, it doesn’t leave anticipation for anything else in the relationship. You’re handing something so sacred and intimate to someone on a silver platter. What have they done to deserve something so precious?

5. A man will respect you if you respect yourself. If you carry yourself with confidence, your mate will have no choice but to follow suit. Sleeping with a man just to appease him will show that you lack morals and values. At the end of the day, if you wait until you’ve gotten to know a person, you will save yourself a lot of heartache that comes with sleeping with someone too early.

Janice Gassam is a graduate student currently getting her degree in Industrial Organizational Psychology. To contact Janice her email is
You can also add her on any of the following social network sites.
Youtube Channel

Sex With Your Ex

When my ex and I split, it was like someone had taken my oxygen.  Over the course of a year we tried to reconcile several times and the final attempt came when I was the one who said, enough is enough.   I had finally gotten tired of the drama.  Time passed like they do in the movies and after receiving a phone call from him, we found ourselves at a bar laughing and sharing jokes as if we never had a bad history.

The snow on the ground could melt by the warmth that was brewing between the two of us.  It was the eye contact, the slightest grin that had us both going down memory lane.  ”Remember when’s” turned into “what happened” and “what if’s?”  The simple brush of his leg against mine and vice versa had us quietly wondering where the night would end.  He was sexy again, he smelt sexy again.  He didn’t look stressed. He talked as if he had reinvented the swagger he possessed the day I met him.  I was just as confident again.

I’m not sure whom we were fooling when we both said we just wanted to be friends again.  That’s the line we fed each other when it was time to say goodnight.  But goodnight turned into good morning.  I admit, what happened that night after one too many drinks was magical.  There aren’t too many experiences that compare to it but the shame that followed the next morning had me telling myself I deserved better.  When I awoke the next morning, I looked over at him and wondered what I’d gotten myself into.  We had been here before, several times.  Every time we physically re-connected it would only be a few days after, that we both turned into the monsters we hated.  He became possessive and I became a version of me that I just didn’t like.  A slave to his love I guess.  So what would make this time different?  Absolutely nothing.

I’m not sure if it were fear or just maturity that got me out of that bed and had me tiptoeing out to return home.  Of course I still loved him but if I’ve learned anything, having sex too soon is a recipe for disaster.  It never gave us time to get pass our BS.  We never found ourselves talking through and planning out ways to not make the same mistakes.  We always jumped back in the bed and hoped everything would change.  It never did and the problems were always there. And we didn’t have major problems.  We had small problems that we could just not figure out how to get through.  But they started adding up and separation made more sense.

But one thing that never stopped, well two, was that we really did love each other and we were great in bed together.  And those two things made life so complicated.  I didn’t want to give it up, even though I knew the rest of us needed work.

Why is sex with your ex so great?

Sex with your ex is great because you two know each other’s body so well that the pleasure is effortless.  Sex with your ex is so great because it feels safe and while it’s occurring – it feels right.  It’s also because you probably still love your ex. When you take time apart, it really gives people a chance to miss each other and the desire to be different.  So people actually commit to being different but in many instances, it’s just a show and they truly aren’t capable of changing.  They’re still the same person; they just put new on clothes.

The main problem — sex with your ex isn’t healthy.  It’s like skinning your knee and picking at it before it completely heals.  Sex with your ex is a sure way to never get him/her out of your system and out of your life.  You have to ask yourself a few questions: How can you move on with someone else when you’re secretly creeping with your ex?  Are you two going to be sleeping with other people?  Are you two just sleeping with each other or hoping to get back together at some point?

A lot of people have said, “Having sex with my ex is better than not having sex at all!”  And that’s a fair position to take, just be sure that you have a plan B and that you don’t get lost in a fantasy.  A lot of ex-couples that continue to have sex never get back together.  You’re babysitting each other’s g-spots until the one intended for you comes along.  Hopefully you won’t miss out on an emotional ecstasy because you’re still chasing your ex’s physical capabilities.  Don’t block your blessings and stunt your own growth.

This is the stuff they don’t teach you, real life lessons.

-Ashley Charisma is the author of School of Black Love.  For more info on Ashley Charisma and the novel visit

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