Child Free Or Selfish?

You don’t have kids yet? What are you waiting for? Another touchy subject amongst people my age, and their families. I guess some people expect you to start having or at least have one child by the time you’re 25. That may be the case for some young people, but what I would like to know is, if the people that are asking me what am I waiting to have children for; are they going to help me raise that child?

It takes more than diapers and wipes to raise a child. I also think its all about personal choice. People choose to have kids, some people don’t. So why do the people who choose not to have kids get so much backlash? Not even as much as if I were a woman choosing to be a single parent. Or just simple being a single parent with X amount of children. If anything we should commend people that chose not to have kids for their own personal beliefs.

There are many reasons why people choose not to have kids. Money is the number one reason on the list. Also, maybe they haven’t found the right person yet, or they simply choose not to have kids, they prefer to live childfree, and although some people call it being selfish. I call it being smart. It all boils down to having preferences, and what people want to do with their life.

It seems to me that if you’re not like everyone else then you’re nobody and all because you’ve simply decided to step out the box.

35 Comments

  1. Women often marry and have children because of societal pressures and then they realize that not all that glitters is gold. Raising children is hard and often times puts pressure on a marriage. Children are great but once you have them you got to realize that for the next 18-20 years your life will revolve around them and a lot of who you are and what you like to do will be put on the back burner.

  2. 🙂 I’m in my thirties and I do feel the pressure to have a child but I wil not have a child just to say I have one especially when the conditions aren’t right to raise a child, but on the other hand I do enjoy the freedom of not having children.

  3. I feel this was brought on by a certain celebrity. Or a few celebrities.

  4. I just recently turned 40 and you don’t know pressure until you get to be 40, unmarried and withough a child. let me tell you about pressure. It is really my choice to not have kids right now. I am very open to adoption so I know that eventually I will raise a child. I may not be able to give birth at such a late stage in life but that’s okay with me. I am simply not financially ready nor have I found the right person with whom I would want to raise a child with. It’s about choices and it’s about me living my life the way that I see fit. I don’t want to struggle raising a child that I cannot afford or have a child with some random man just to say that I have one.

  5. I am in my forties and I don’t have kids because I have never married. I have been busy building a career, advancing my education and building my character. I think it would be selfish to bring a human being into a fractured family without sufficient means of support and mess just because I want to fit in with societys definition of ‘woman’ or ‘family’. If I meet and marry the right person in the next few years I may still give it a try. A lot of professional women are waiting until ‘later’ to have kids. If not, they are many young people in the black community whose lives can be greatly enhanced by my mentorship. Its not about me. I can still leave my legacy without giving birth!

  6. HMMM im 27 and have been married less than 6 months. niether one of us have children…

    the funny thing is growing up..all the woman in my life said.. dont marry too soon, wait, i wish i waited..they were married with several children by 21.

    now that i WAITED to be married they all say WHERES THE BABY??? WHEN WILL YOU START TRYING???

    are you serious?

    im on my halle berry ish.. holla atme when im 40…

    :lol2:

  7. “…if the people that are asking me what am I waiting to have children for; are they going to help me raise that child?” thank you, that sums it up.

  8. Us single childless folks can commend & encourage each other. Reading this along with the previous comments encouraged me. Also, there are people who prefer we wait until we have the right finances & companion… but then they ask why we aren’t married or why we’re still single. It’s always something. But in the end, you have to be content with your own life cuz you’re the one who has to live it. Keep making choices that suit who you truly are. Stay blessed. 🙂

  9. The main thing is have them when YOUR ready to do so and hopefully when your married and bringing in enough money. This world is getting bigger every day, and it’s a shame when I hear about people who throw their babies in trash cans, and leave them on relatives doorsteps SMH. Be responsible.

  10. very cool ashley.
    this is a great topic. I used to think about this a lot when I was single and childless.
    Its really weird how society pressures adults to have children now that I am married and have a step daughter every one keeps asking if we are planning to have another one as if it isnt enough to have one or as if it isnt okay to NOT want any more children.

  11. I’m 28 and have no children and I will not have them biological or adopted until I’m more secure and have done all of my traveling

  12. I have a Daughter, I am married, I am giving myself another year before having another child, I grew up in a solid family so i have no issues with the idea of family.I know from experience that a childless woman, At one point in her life feel unfulfilled,and then you want to go and beg someone else to have your child abi? Tchrrr… Do what you wish I sincerely Don’t care 🙂

  13. I have two kids (2 and 3.5). I love my kids to life and find being a mom satisfying, but it is very rough. I’ll be honest and say that both of my kids were not really by conscious choice (Yes, birth control somehow failed us twice). When the subject of wanting kids comes up, I ask all of my childless friends under 26, “Are you sure you want kids right now?” I don’t think people should put pressure on women to have kids as it is a personal desicion and it’s nobody’s business but the woman’s (and her partner if she has one).

    Just like I don’t like it when people look down on me for having kids at a young age (I’m almost 26 now, but I was 22 when I had my first), I don’t think it’s right to judge people for not having kids. And some women (such as my bff) who don’t want kids simply know that they wouldn’t be the best parent, and I think that is mature for someone to admit.

  14. My mother and my future mother in law are driving me crazy, always talking to me about babies, im only 22 years old about to be 23…Babies, i cant wait, NOW…..O HELL NAW!!!! I am sorry, maybe when im 25, with a career, married and comfortable..I am no mentally stable for a child, im just not…

  15. I’m in my late 20s, single, hildfree and very happy with my selfish decision at this point in life. I’m pursuing a master’s degree and planning to buy a condo this summer. They say some things can’t be planned but I WILL plan the birth of my child and my life will be a great point to raise kids. I see lots of people with kids who should have been selfish and chosen not have kids because they are simply bad parents.

  16. I knew that from a very young age that I did not want children. For me it is a personal choice. I envy the young people today. The opportunities are unlimited. They live worry-free lives

  17. I agree with you all the way. If its your body, its not selfish.
    Society and people in general like to put their nose where it doesn’t belong. Always questioning something. Damned if you, dammed if you dont.

    I’m not anticipating on having any children, I have so many nieces and nephews and witnessed firsthand the responsibility and time it takes to care for one. I also dont like the thought of pregnancy. And like you said, I think some are smart. In this day in age women need to get smarter. This is not the same time period.

    If I do have a child it will be an adopted one. There are so many babies being born that will never have homes. And the thought of carrying a child for some of todays men makes me sick. (its very personal for me)

  18. Can someone tell me who the lady in the pic is? shes familiar?

  19. In a professional setting, having a family shows that you are mature (so some claim). That can be just having a husband or having kids w/o the hubby. But when you have neither, ppl treat you as if your a kid.
    But there is another side to all of this. I am in my 30’s and most of my childless friends, married or not, want to have kids and simply cannot! I tried for 3yrs, and nothing. It hurts everytime someone asks “why don’t you have kids? You don’t want them or something?” When will ppl see that other side of things. Some of us want them, try to have them, but can’t.

  20. @SHELS

    She is is that Black Skin(IDK) commercial and she plays Layla on One life To Live

  21. Speaking from a male perspective, I knew when I was in my 20s that I didn`t want childern. I`m now in my early 40s and I don`t regret that decision whatsoever; it was/is a personal choice. For those who are feeling pressured by society don`t be. It`s your life, live it to the fullest and in accord to what will make you happy, not society.

    If you live your life for others you will be one MISERABLE person. If you don`t conform to the orders of the day then you become an outcast, weird, strange, radical, a troublemaker, etc. lol!!! Society seems to reject vehemently the idea of individuality. If we were all alike this would be one boring world in whichh we live.

    I have always been one to think outside the box and march to the beat of my own drum. Society may think me to be out of step but I couldn`t care less. My mother has said to me that, “I have some funny ways”, lol!!! I`m the type who can have just as much, if not more, fun by myself as I can in a crowd. Does that make me weird? If it does then so be it.

    In the final analysis, we are all free mortal beings with the capacity to make our own choices. And I`m glad that is the case.

    Michael Jackson & The GOLDEN 80S 4ever!!!

    Peace, in the spirit of my “HERO”, BROTHA Malcolm X…a lion from Judah. Not only when he spoke, but when he even walked, he exemplified such strength/courage. I can only aspire to be 1/3 of the man he was. Peace to you, EL Hajj Malik El Shabazz..

  22. Hey gang?! (I’ve been away so long I feel new again). I will say for me, that I am 30 years old and my husband and I don’t have any kids yet for 2 reasons 1) I want to finish school first and 2) we are trying to save up more money. I know that no child will ever have a “paid” stamp across their forehead, but I want to be as ready as possible. My parents always told me, try to have ample money before you have kids. There are four of us, and they struggled a bit at first with money. I think I’m using wisdom & am very proud of our decision. Hey it worked for the Obamas 🙂

  23. My husband and I have been married for three years but dated for 9 years before that, all of my dysfunctional or ghetto family members want to know when I will have a kid. In-between screaming at their children, washing dishes, yelling at their spouses, and complaining about not going anywhere they want to know when I will join their misery club. Most of these women have children with men who refuse to lift a finger to aid them in their rearing or financial situation; they don’t travel, they don’t have occasional vacations, and they don’t eat in romantic restaurants.
    I (on the other hand) don’t look at brother’s with a job as the second coming of Christ like they do- I travel the Caribbean, US, and Europe frequently, I’m working on starting my own business and I realize that getting my degree was the best choice I ever made. I’m only 32 but, even when I was 12 I realized that constantly obsessing over the perfect man and a house full of children is a distraction from progress. There is more to life than being a wife or a Mother.

  24. Every one on the board (including the author) have made VERY valid points. Like many I am in my late twenties, single, & child free. Like someone said up top, ever since I was a little girl, I never really had a desire for kids & still really don’t today. However, when ppl find this out they go on the usual rant about children, but whenever it’s said I give them the SAME answer the author gave.. “are they going to help me raise that child?” & that sums it up. It’s YOUR body & YOUR life you have to do what’s best for you.

  25. People who bug people about having kids just do it b/c they’re miserable and want you to be miserable too. Have kids when you’re ready. Like the writer said, those same people aren’t going to pay your kids’ medical bills, sports equipment, school tuition, etc. I’m in my 30s, don’t have kids and am in no rush.

  26. I thought this was going to be an article about Tika Sumpter from One Life To Live when I saw her photo.

    My mother told me that I was selfish because I don’t have children. I was denying her the right to be a grandparent. I won’t even repeat my response to that kind of crazy talk.

  27. Like many of the posters here… I am in my late 20’s with no kids, and couldn’t be happier!!! I love my nieces to death, and they are truly enough for me. I’ve also known since I was about 7 or 8, that I had NO desire to have kids. However, what truly angers me is people who keep telling that once the ‘right man’ comes along, I’ll change my mind. It pisses me off for two reasons 1… I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man who understands, and supports the fact that I don’t want kids, as he doesn’t either. 2… I can’t understand how any man can change my mind about MY uterus (that’s why its MINE!!!)

    Anyway… I love being childfree… and hate the term ‘childless’… its presupposes that not having kids means you’re laking in some kind of way, and I know the only thing I’m ‘lacking’ is strech marks… LOL!

  28. It takes more than just a woman and her desire to become a mother to create a family. A family unit consists of a mother, father, and children if desired or gifted by God. Sometimes God has other plans for women apart from motherhood. It is not necessarily a selfish decision not to become a mother, it can be a selfless decision if that’s not what God has planned.

  29. Wow this article came at a great time for me. I made the decision not to have children. I get the look a lot you are going to be lonely I laugh and respond lonely how and why? I am the oldest of three children and I often watched my younger brothers a lot when i was younger and other children.I also take care of my mother who is bipolar by myself my brothers do not help and so I figure I want all of my freedom and my time to myself. I really don’t want to be responsible for anyone or anything but myself. My sister had a baby girl in October and she asked me when i was going to have one i said I was not going to. I love being auntie to two nephews and a niece I come and go as I please. At 32 years old I am having a ball.

  30. @ Chocolate Girl I agree with you on this: People who bug people about having kids just do it b/c they’re miserable and want you to be miserable too.

    I had one guy ask me when i was going to have a baby i responded didn’t want to. Mind you he has 4 kids one is over the age of 18 and the others are under the age of 12. His on-again off-again girlfriend/baby mama is pregnant she is due sometime this year.

  31. You’ve got to be happy with yourself. Being a wife and mother would bore me. I am content being single. I don’t feel like I am missing anything. Children rebel a husband gets funny and I won’t have time to be crying, chasing, and trying to figure him out. I am too liberated, whole, and happy for that. Single and loving it!

  32. I just had to comment on this. Becasue most of my friends are either married, in a relationship, or have children. And I dont envy them at all. I’m 28 just bought my own condo, own my car, in grad school getting my MBA and have the whole world ahead of me. Thinking about getting a cute two do Miata b/c it’s fin to drive and its all about me right now. Yes, the joys of family are great but in due time. I want to travel the world first, and make sure I’ve been married long enough to enjoy just being a couple without kids. So kids are not around the corner for me. Never thought I’d be the type to settle down early and have them. Convention was never the plan. And I am so thankful of that. I can truly enjoy independence and be worry free. And you can say that to some folks and they don’t want to believe you. Trust me people, you can be happily single, dating and enjoying the company of whomever you’d like, have friends, come and go as you please, and yes be happy. Dont let the pressures get to you. Trust that people wish they could have your freedom. FREEDOM, and when the time is right, move on to that next chapter. But enjoy the chapter of the book you are in right now. Life is too short not to savor every moment of the here and now.

  33. got some typos but I was rushing. I have to study for an exam tommorow lol

  34. Trust me people, you can be happily single, dating and enjoying the company of whomever you’d like, have friends, come and go as you please, and yes be happy. Dont let the pressures get to you. Trust that people wish they could have your freedom. FREEDOM, and when the time is right, move on to that next chapter. B

    You are so on point Dee. Why do some people figure if a woman of a certain age is not married w/o children she is miserable or sad please….LOL

  35. Thank you for this article. I need to know I’m not the only one. Don’t get my wrong I do want a kid, but who want to be a single parent. Having a kid just to say I got a kid.

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