Do Black Men Give a Damn About Black Women?

I say the majority of them don’t; and it goes beyond the misogynistically cruel lyrics in some of the rap songs I sometimes hear or the abusive and violent behavior I sometimes witness against the sistas in my own neighborhood. I had a phone conversation recently with a friend of mine who is trying to get back out there and date; but she’s growing despondent due to the lack of quality ‘brothers’ out there. In the interest of privacy, I’ll name my friend Marcia. Marcia is feeling a little bit of the ‘black, single woman’ angst and she doesn’t like it. “Black women are out of style,” she states. “Black women are out of style like marshmallow platform shoes and afros—like jheri curls and dashikis… like a two-way pager!!”

The reason for her comments? Marcia is tired of witnessing well-appointed Black men canoodling openly with White, Asian, Latin and Indian women. “I firmly believe that our Black men are endangered and we’re losing them to jail, AIDS, drugs, police brutality and now… the aforementioned.” She sputtered into the mouthpiece. “They’re becoming fewer and fewer by the numbers and the heterosexual, drug-free, disease-free, hard-working ones are being taken by women who are not Black.” Judging from Marcia’s statement, I know that this has ignited some ugly and unchristian-like hostilities within her in addition to rendering her helpless in controlling her hateful thoughts and feelings. She said that brothers of all shades will at first look at her, and then right through her, while risking whiplash to look at a White or Hispanic woman passing by. “Is there something wrong with me, Gigi? Should I dress sexier? Should I cut off my locks, straighten my hair or wear a weave? Perhaps I should seriously think about losing some of the weight I’ve been promising to do every New Years Eve. And I guess I’m just too chocolate for some brother’s… just check out the music videos. More and more of our brothers are exiling Black women from their lives and replacing them with White or ‘other than’ women…other than Black that is.” She sighed. I lamely answered, “Who the hell knows what Black men want…why don’t you do what they do—date outside of your race. Don’t limit yourself.” I tried reasoning with her. “Hell my baby sisters are doing just that…in fact they don’t even look at Black men. And my sons are currently dating Puerto-Rican women…they said the sistas are too loud and bossy.”

“Well I don’t care about what anybody else is doing… I can’t see myself with anyone but a Black man…face it, the brothers aren’t checking for me because I’m not thin, I’m too dark-skinned, I don’t floss designer labels and…I wear nappy locks.” She snarked.

“Well, I’m sorry Marcia, but I for one am not about to slip into the woe is me mode; no man does not or will not define who I am.” I answered defiantly. “I’m educated, attractive, have a good job, run my own business, I’m published and have my own home in the Bronx. I’ve recently emerged from a twenty-seven year marriage and I have three sons and all three of them are grown. I’m a young woman of a certain age that can stand to lose a few pounds but I’m not obese, far from it. So unlike you, I don’t feel that anything is wrong with me…I like who I am, and I will date outside my race if I have to.” I answered confidently.

“We’re as beautiful and desirable as our Caucasian sisters, right? So how come White men aren’t publicly and shamelessly chasing down Black women like the brothers are doing with White women, and pleeze don’t mention Robert De Niro, with his tired behind…is he the only White man who sees the beauty in Black woman, since the brothers are obviously blind?” She implored. “Oh, I don’t know…there’s Bill Maher who dated Black women…” I answered. “I’m sure there others… you know, there was once a 19th century French artist by the name of Charles Cordier, who was an Ethnographic sculptor; he traveled the world capturing the look of people from other cultures and races. Being French, Cordier had a taste for exotic faces and shapes, especially faces that belonged to North Africans. It was in 1892, that he said something most astonishing for that time period. He said that, “every race has its beauty, which differs from that of other races”, and that “the most beautiful Negro is not the one who looks most like us… he meant Caucasians or White people.” After an hour on the telephone with Marcia, I hung up, thinking about some of the things we discussed.

Marcia’s angst stems from knowing, that as attractive as she knows that she is, she feels unattractive and not good enough whenever she see an attractive Black man walk down the street, arm-in-arm with a White woman who may or may not have a smug look on her face. And the feeling that she has is constantly being re-affirmed by society echoing its value system within the confines of the white-owned magazines, television and other consumer driven venues of the media. Of course, this is obviously charged terrain that’s rife with complications and resentment. Rarely do you see positive affirmation in regards to dark Black women no matter how beautiful they are, only and unless if you have “crossover appeal” and light skin like: Vanessa Williams, Halle Berry, Alicia Keys, Beyoncé, Jennifer Beals, Rihanna or Mariah Carey. In no way am I impugning these lovely women or hating on them. I’m just merely pointing out a value system erected by White men, designed for us to assimilate and with a clear ideological and aesthetic concept to divide us and keep us fighting among ourselves. Moreover and sadly so, we’re all a product of a white western world.

In this society, White women are superior, privileged and protected, simply by virtue of being White… and they know it. And I don’t care if most White Women don’t happen to agree with the ideology set up by mainstream society because again, they have the luxury to oppose it. The point is, they still enjoy the privileges that extends from it whether if they agree with it or not. In addition to that, confused Black men are consciously and sub-consciously perpetuating the myth of White women as the image of beauty. And what’s even more embarrassing is that White men know that their women are desired and coveted by Black men… especially Black men with money. From the time Black men (and Black women too) are born, most are bombarded and fed untruths about light skin, good hair and ‘marrying up’, that has lend itself to a destructive value system which has influenced the way that they as a people think and feel about the Black woman and each other in general.

And so, gradually, some Black men have moved away from the light skinned Black women to coveting, dating and marrying the ‘real thing’—White women. Most high profile Black men, athletes in particular, have White or ‘other than Black’ spouses. Tiger Woods, who claimed once on Oprah to be ‘other’ than Black, not too recently divorced his Swedish wife after just five years of marriage, and who received over one million dollars in the settlement for her troubles. What skills did she possess? Well get this, she doesn’t need skills… she’s White and blond, period. The same could be said for a number of prominent Black men in sports; entertainment or other business fields and the list go on. Rarely do you see a White man leaving his White wife for a Black women; but brothers have left long-term relationships with their Black wives or girlfriends for White women. And those same White women, who marry the Black man, believe that the whiteness of their skin, in addition to their euro centric features, is a bulwark against infidelity and other women, especially Black women.

To offset this, most Black women have subjected themselves to skin-bleaching products, weaves and what not. Most Black women, such as myself, have chosen to develop attitude, self-determination and strength, for all the good it’s doing. How can brothers adopt attitudes that our former masters had fed us for the sole purpose of dividing us and therefore keep us fighting with, disliking and distrusting each other? Here we are thirteen generations from one of the most heinous systems of slavery ever erected in history and Black men, whose ancestors were shackled together with mine; reject my friend and other Black women who look like both of us, just because we’re not euro centric-looking enough. And I’m tired of listening to the same old excuse from the brothers, that: Black women are too bossy, nosy and we always cuss them out while rotating our necks on its axis. My favorite excuse: we’re too materialistic! And that White women are docile, caring, have more class and they’re not materialistic. Pleeze! If some of these affluent Black men didn’t have any money, White women wouldn’t be running behind them either. So let’s be fair. Black women want what White women have been getting for centuries due to the sense of entitlement that was erected for them. Black women want the same thing as White women—financial security; only with us, we’re castigated as gold diggers and that is so unfair.

The real reason Black men don’t want us and afraid to say or admit out loud, is that they’ve been brainwashed into thinking, that White skin is better than dark skin; and Black men purposely, deliberately and publicly seeking out the White woman is perpetuating this myth. They secretly want light-skinned children with ‘good’ hair, but they’re not man enough to admit it.

A question was raised on the Oprah Winfrey Show about 18 years ago, about what Black men prefer. One of the brothers on the panel had the nerve to say on national television that, “having a White girlfriend is like sporting a Rolex watch.” So what does that make the Black woman, a Timex watch? A Swatch? It’s partly due to comments like that, which is why Marcia has been more or less, ‘forced’ into celibacy.

We’ve both run the gamut of clubs, athletic events, church, etc. But Black men at these places are usually paired up, and if not?we’re just not what they’re looking for or want. For myself, I want and prefer a Black man who is loving, who loves Black women, the idea of being with a Black woman and more importantly, who loves himself instead of self-hating; that when he looks at himself in the mirror, he sees the images of his proud ancestors stamped on his face. But if I can’t find one, there are other types of men from other races to explore. Because no matter what Black women do, at the end of the day, the brothers will do exactly whatever pleases them.

I say all this to say, go’ head my brothers; have your White, Asian and Hispanic women. If being with a White woman floats your boat and you think that you’ll gain entrée to the mainstream, well that’s just fine. But I further say this, the minute you mess up, and a lot of you do mess up, White people will always be there to remind you that you’re just a Black man in White America; that they’re running things. And further, they’re unforgiving and they’ll try to hurt you professionally and financially… just ask Brother O.J. Simpson.

A.G. Thornton is a writer an author of FAMILY, FRIENDS, HUSBANDS and LOVERS…THE BEST OF ENEMIES


  1. Great article!!! i have been expressing your sentiments for years and have ridiculed for calling it like i see it….thankyou for writing the truth!!!!

  2. Very well written article. I often get a lot of flack from my family because my current boyfriend of 3 years whom I love dearly and treats me like a princess is Caucasian. I try to argue that I don’t care if he was blue, or green…I just want a good man who treats me well and although I love my brothas the truth of the matter is the FEW good ones that I would date aren’t checking my way so why should I limit myself to them. It’s funny cause Black men get sooooo offended when a Black woman dates outside her race, but they do it all the darn time. Don’t be fooled though, there are some triflin white men too so don’t get the false belief that white men are better cause that’s not neccessarily so. At the end of the day, if you want real love with someone who treats you right and meets your qualifications, then ladies you may have to just step outside of the black box. sorry, but it’s true.Maybe if “our” men see that we can start “exiling” them like they do us, they might turn back towards wanting to keep dating us. Right now, most Black men know that if their a “good” man they can have nearly any sista that they choose cause their so “rare” and sista’s hold out for them. But if we as Black woman stopped being so darn available to them only, maybe our stock would increase? Last but not least ladies….check our attitudes. Many Black men choose white women cause well….we sistas have a pension for being “loud and ghetto”. I know that’s not true for all of us, but they often choose white women cause they tend to be more supportive in kind words and such. Maybe if we didn’t have that “Tasha from Tyler Perry Movies” stereotype hanging around our heads, we would get further.

  3. In reply to
    “laughing at black men and their obvious self-hatred”. Media plays a big part in what people perceive as the truth. Everybody has some sort of self-hatred… I’m too fat… I’m too slim… I don’t like my hair… I want too be black… I want to be brazilian… Even people that say they love themselves have self-hate issues. White racism is old fashion. Now as for: do Black men give a dam about women? It’s my opinion that black men care about themselves as do black women, white men, white women, etc… People like what they like, go were they want to go and do what they want to do and It’s nobody’s busy. In some cultures people and louder than other culture, darker than others, stronger than others and I can go on and on. That what makes the world beautiful, but the hatred in Humans take presidents over the beautiful. If you can not find the person you desire, try harder. Maybe change some of your personality traits and the one person you are looking for may just come your way. BE OPEN MINDED.

  4. This is a really great article and i for one don’t understand why we think just because we are black that we should date in our race or that our black brothers should only date black women. i love men of all colors and have had relationships with black, hispanic and white men and i understand what you are saying about your friend, but i see white successful men like george lucas of star wars fame, the russian billionaire who naomi campbell is dating and other hispanic and white men who date black women the list is too long to go on this page. but the shame is really that we are so wrapped up in our thoughts that we should date in our race that we limit ourselves to one particular race of men and shut others out even paul ryan dated a black girl in college and she went on to marry only white men. so i don’t know we take so personal when someone date outside of their race. only thing we need to do is love and receive love no matter what.

  5. Uuuuuu gosh i thought this whole BLACK MEN WITH WHITE WOMEN thing is all over

    I mean, its 2012 who the hell still caress? I would like to know because i wont trade places with those white women for NOTHING. The truth is, they still get made as baby mothers, live in the ghetto and are over weight when they date black men (thats the majority) so who REALLY cares? I wont want to trade places with them. When i see fhem together (which i havent lately for some odd reason) but when i do see them….its like im seeing two white couples or two black couples. I cant believe people still care.

    However, sometimes i feel like blogs like this try to make black women HATE being black women and want us to THINK we care or act bitter when most of us could care less. Most of the young black females i know dont even date black men!! Unlike a few years ago when they ALL did and were bitter.

    Also, who said white men dont like black women? Lol spare men. Lets not even go there. If robert deniro is all your bitter black friend knows about..then she needs to use google and check out the list 😉

    Please! If this is another attempt at making black women date outside their race then this is a FAIL. No one cares. People will date who they want

  6. The solution to this is simple – keep your options open and look BEYOND black men. Black women are the only people who limit themselves in this way. Black men have never limited their options and neither should black women. The fact of the matter is these mythical IBMs simply do no not exist. If you fall in love with a black man, wonderful. If you don’t, that’s fine too. Just worry about finding love with the right person.

  7. Ladies – I don’t think you should worry about this whole white women dating black men topic and explore your options with men of other races. If black men date white women because they still endorse white supremist views they aren’t for you. I’ve had men flat out tell me that I should accept the fact that black men date outside of their race but get mad at me for dating white or latin men. Because they know that if they lose the support of black women, they are doomed! To each its own but there is a big world out there. Don’t limit your options!

  8. I love black women. But too much worship of other races for me. And I’m not even a throw away. I’m far from. But besides happily married or happily dating black men and women…the single black women who are attractive worship non black men…even to the self inferiority extent of accepting and allowing a lower specimen white or asian male do just about anything to her physically. and maintain the nerve to demand respect for black dudes in general. THERES A LOT OF REASONS WHY BLACK MEN ARE LOOKING ELSEWHERE. IF YOU CANT HAVE YOUR OWN WTF. Its been some unforgivable bullsh*t said by one too many black women about black men, and without any or few OTHER black females coming to the defense of the brothers so to at least make it seem like we matter. But I see support of whites. I see support of asians. ANd the kicker, these whites and asians are LEFTOVERS latinas and white girls and do not want. But black women who are kind of down for the black race are too equal opportunity in dating. The races hate us and damage our reputations and black bitches run and whore for these same groups. All on porn…all in target flaunting some lame they convinced to use them. Its all too bad. ugh fuck it. I’m going for some other race even if i have to take less at this point. I REFUSE to share black women with whites and every other man who hates my fellow black brothers and i. Good riddance. I know for a fact many black men love BW women dearly. More do than dont. Formerly I was one of them.



  10. Your anger may be justified but ultimately won’t help you.

    Everyone looking for a relationship has to be the best person they can be, more than opposites attracting, like attracts like.

    1. Take good care of your health, including your weight,
    2. Let go of the anger
    3. Develop your personality and interests
    4. Let go of the desperation
    5. Believe that you deserve to be treated well
    6. Believe that there is someone wonderful for you out there.
    7. Develop a mentality of abundance, (ergo, let go of the mentality of scarcity, or that someone else is taking your men)
    8. Pray for exactly what it is that you want.
    9. Be the person that you would want to marry
    10. Never give up
    Good luck

  11. Guys, have you seen the movie “Something New” (2006)? I found it to be absolutely fantastic… Its not a masterpiece, but it shows well how important sometimes it is to let yourself go. I’m not saying its ever easy, but definitely worth trying. 🙂

  12. This article is BS O.J. Simpson is murderer and some black blind nationalist is defending him. Popularity of show called “Anger on Da white men” will be soon over. Look on Europe and China. They acknowledged that some black people have attitude and they are pissed off (crime, murder rates in black neighborhoods in those countries). Here Black people run their own TV but will play gangsta shit on it and praise nation of islam attitude on it, while wonder what is wrong. Whats wrong with you black people (racist ones)? Peoples from Europe were also enslaved in past (even in greater number) by muslim slave trades. Muslims created worst system of slavery on earth (200 million people – most black), and that was black men who stated enslaving his brothers in British colonies. Better ask Obama about his ancestors and not blame white men about everything (most of them even don’t have masters as ancestors). If You are lying why racist (some) white men can’t do it too? Somehow Asians are living very well. Of course there is racism, but really this is mild, compared to conditions in which some nations build their welfare abroad.

  13. I’ve had relationships with different races and found for the most part aren’t different. Men are men and most want to be in control. They can not take a strong minded woman a woman who goes out a get hers. They would like to have a stay at home mom to tell what and when to do. They call us blk women loud,bossy,rude or golddiggers. Some of us are single women raising our children w//o dads help and it gets hard,thats when the so called attitude comes in. As SB working moms being leisurely is not an option,we need support from our men. Not just monetary,we need u there. If we could look at why blk women and blk men are the way we are then maybe we can have better relationships amongst one another and stop the blk women crazy lie

  14. I was married to a woman from my own culture (russian). Never again!
    I have now a dominican girlfriend of mixed race (half black), and sometimes I feel that she is not black enough. I think the black woman, ethiopean and somali women in particular, are the most beautiful women ever. I will never ever even notice any white woman again. To me they are no more than an insects. I know it is wrong to feel that way but I can not help it. I feel sorry for any black man who falls in the white woman’s trap. And I feel bad for a decent black women who are having a hard time to find a quality man of any race and in the end settle for a broke, jobless and cheating bums.
    The end of the article is very disappointing, as the author try to portray a murderer OJ Simpson as some kind of a “victim” of the “evil white conspiracy (society)”. He is just one of the many athletes who destroyed themselves by their own fortune and stupidity. By trying to lay the blame on somebody else, “white dominated western world” in particular, the author only proves how deep the old prejudices and mistrust are entrenched in so many people’s minds. That is really sad.

  15. I see non-white women doing the same with white men.
    I see a lot of asian,indian,hispanic,arab and yes black women too chasing after average to ugly white guys.
    I’ve notice that hot black women are always into other races

  16. Let us be honest. Most black women know they are less attractive then white women. They just shift the burden onto others.

  17. hi,
    i just found your site when i goggled “black men who hate black women”. D.L. Hughley and Kevin Hart have made some imflammatory comments that have angered black women. Unfortunately, these comments are true. But the context in which they presented these comments was out of thin air. Exerpts of their conversation don’t show that they were even discussing black women in the first place. It sounds as though either they had a disagreement w/ a black woman, they were speaking of what they may have observed among the black women they came in contact with throughout their lives, or they really may not like black women period.

    Whenever I catch myself thinking or saying that I hate/dislike black women, I’m NOT referring to the entire race or every black woman on the planet. I’m talking about the ones who’ll back-stab another sista in the back for any reason, even relatives and close friends. I talking about the black women who are so mad (and angry) that she’ll do or say anything to destroy or interrupt another black woman’s happiness. To me, these “sista’s” are back-stabbing trators.

    So, what D.L. and Kevin said was true indeed. The black women I described are not only angry but they are full of hate, spite, ignorance, and jealousy.

  18. Reggie,

    I can tell that you’ve been hurt by at least one black woman who did you wrong in some type of way. You are so full of anger. It’s evident that you are angry at every black woman b/c you’ve been hurt in the past. Well, I’ve also been hurt and lied to by black men but I’m not gonna express anger towards every black man. I wasn’t in a relationship w/ every black man in the world. So why should I be mad at every one of them? Personally, I’d rather have a black man in my life. His skin doesn’t matter to me–brown or dark skin. In my eyes, his color is what I wanna see b/c it’s very attractive to me. It’s his attitude (yes, black men have attitudes) and ego that’ll turn me off. Similar to yours.

    What does porn have to do with this subject? I’m not trying to pry in your personal business, but porn or watching those movies/videos have nothing to do w/ real life. Unless you’re getting paid to have sex in one. Anyway, I get the impression that you may be involving yourself w/ questionable females(i.e gold-digging, ghetto wh**es). Accept this piece of advice from me: YOU CAN’T TURN A GHETTO CHICK INTO A HOUSEWIFE OR DECENT WOMAN UNTIL SHE WANTS TO BE ONE.

    Please stop thinking that there aren’t any black women who won’t/don’t defend black men. Yes, there are. Maybe not a lot, but we are here. I’ve agreed w/ plenty of black man about a lot of things. I just don’t/won’t agree with ignorant, trifling ni**ers. THANK GOD EVERY BLACK MALE ISN’T A NI**ER!

    I hope you find someone of any race who’ll love and respect you, Reggie. But you’ll have to return that love and respect by respecting and loving them and yourself. Peace.

  19. I wouldn’t say the black race is beyond repair, being a black male, I feel all races have their own share of issues back that is another topic, I can agree to disagree on the issue you are stating but drama comes in all relationship there is no perfect couple there are only couples who are committed to one another that have successful marriages, or relationships, we are flawed as a human race regardless of how successful or how much money we have but we can’t be judgemental, There are truly some good woman out there in the world that have good hearts and are waiting for a good black man, we have to do the searching, as it says in the bible a man that finds a good wife finds a good thing, also nice guys need to really learn patience it is one of our strong qualites without it we would be impatient and bitter willing to settle for anything.

    As for the ghetto, dramafide (not sure if that is a word, Lol), loud mouth black woman out there we truly can’t judge them, example if you picture a young girl growing up in a not so good neighborhood who only had a single mom who was uneducated never had a positve male in her life to influence her was raised by television and the bad environments, you can’t really be surprise as to what they become when they get older. Some of these woman need a positive male influence who is nice and charming and not afraid to speak the truth. I have seen honest nice guys turn a so called ghetto girl into a respectable woman who learn the values and respect of a positive role model, now don’t get me wrong I said some not all, but really everyone deserve a chance, we have been so brain washed that we look at looks and body types, I mean we are men after all but we really should be looking at the heart.

    I would so choose an okay woman with a good heart even if she has kids then a very attractive woman with no heart at all. Nice guys there is a time to be nice and at time to be honest, women don’t need a nice guy 24/7. We need to step up cause we sure are good at complaining about not finding a good woman but will not put the effort to give them a chance because they don’t meet our standards, really life is too short to be picky, now I’m not saying settle for anything but give them a chance you will know if they are good for you or not but read the book first not just the cover. Hope this helps any nice guy out there who truly wants to find someone and all the fake nice guys (please stop destroying our endangered species.)

  20. It is sad really. I think that Black women need to face the fact that the will either have to find love in the arms of another race of men or be alone. In the meantime take care of yourselves, your body and make all the money you can!

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