Does Every Woman Need Closure?

Three different guys. Three different situations. One repetitive outcome.

Guy Number One

He was attractive, intelligent and all the ladies wanted him. I, being a lady, was no different. We flirt, talk on the phone and eventually start dating. A couple weeks later he comes to me saying, “Sorry, I just didn’t like you as much as I thought I did.” Ummm, okay?

Guy Number Two

Again, attractive, intelligent, every girl is trying to date him. We talk for hours on the phone every night. We hang out during the day. Months go by and still nothing. So, nervously, I ask, “So, are we talking?” His response: “Well, I wouldn’t say that.” Hmm, alright then.

Guy Number Three

Now he’s a bit different. Not all that attractive, but he’s sweet. Every girl isn’t checking for him, but he treats me like a queen, like he just cannot get enough of me. Life happens, we’re forced into different states. We reunite again after a few months. I’m finally back in his warm and familiar embrace. Me: “I still have feelings for you.” Him: “Well, me too, but I met someone else.” Ouch!

So, as the same scenario plays out in my love life over and over, an ugly untruth is secretly making its home where my self confidence use to reside: I’m not good enough. I was not good enough to be liked as much as one guy perceived; I was not good enough to even try being in a ‘pre-relationship’ with; and I was not good enough to be the victor in a past love vs. new fling duel.

Without me realizing it, this feeling has buried itself deep into my heart, and has grown and flourished over the years. Now, I finally meet Mr. Right who’s trying his hardest to love me, but the not good enough branches and leaves keep pushing his affection away.

So, fed up with myself and desperate to not lose the man I love, I did the unthinkable. I sucked up my pride, put my feelings on the shelf, borrowed some courage (from who knows) and asked each and every one of my old flames that awful, but necessary question: why?

I got closure and was finally able to move on. But now I’m wondering, should I have needed it? We all have bad experiences in the love department; it’s a part of life. But, as the story goes, we eventually find the perfect guy who is so wonderful and more than we could ever imagine that we instantly forget about our pasts. It’s like Lauryn Hill’s voice blasts through our minds: Nothing even matters at all.

But what happens when it does matter? What happens when you’re still holding onto past hurts and pains that your prince charming wasn’t able to sweep away? And worse, what about when your past starts affecting your future?

I’ve always thought that once I met the right guy, everything else in the past wouldn’t hold any value. Your present (and one day future) are all that matter now. So, does it say anything about your current relationship if your man wasn’t able to make you forget about your past? Or do we as women put too much responsibility on our future mates to clear out the skeletons in our closets when that’s a chore only we can/should do?
What do you think, Sistas? Is closure necessary in order to move on?

Service is her passion, writing is her platform, women and the Black Community are her avenues. Shala Marks is a writer, editor and soon-to-be author. Marks aspires to help make a difference in society through the messages in her writings. She has a B.A. in journalism from Arizona State University. Check her out at:


  1. It depends on how intense the relationship was. If it was long term and the guy just bounced then I would want to know why or have some type of closure. If it was someone I had only dated a few times I don’t think I would care or need any type of closure.

  2. I think it’s important. Sometimes I make relationship mistakes without even realizing it, or date the wrong guy altogether (again, without knowing). Knowing why I’ve been dumped can help me understand what to do differently in the future, and the kind of person I should or should not be with.

    If a guy honestly doesn’t think I’m good enough, he might as well hold his tongue, because I’m not going to change myself. But if he thinks I started pointless arguments, didn’t pay enough attention to him, etc., I’d like to know.

  3. no man or human being should be able to decide if YOU aren’t good enough and why. YOU determine YOUR self-worth and value not these men that you date. that is unattractive. having self-confidence is sexy…fake it if you have to.

  4. I think the best relationship is if you can trust your each other and you have confident in your relationship.

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