Let me be frank. Let me warn you up front. I’m going to get into some things here. I’m going to say some things that are most certainly going to get me kicked out of the “club”. Now before you stop reading, know that I say these things not out of disrespect. Not out of anger. Certainly not out of spite, or to upset anyone’s day. I say them out of love. Love of my people. Love of my Black women. Love of those that just may not know any better.

Honesty. I had to become honest with myself. You see, I’ve been very judgmental. I’ve prided myself on being above anything petty, especially with men. I thought since I’ve never been in an “abusive” relationship, since I don’t have any kids, I’ve never been cheated on (that I know of), that I’ve been basically drama free with men, that I was somehow better than my female counterparts.

I literally have dozens of stories I’ve collected over the years. Stories that will curl your synthetic hair. I have a coworker that paid the father of her children to “babysit” his own kids. A friend that paid for a new SVU for her man, that didn’t work, while she drove around in a beat up 16 year old car. A few friends/coworkers that have chased men that beat them. Cheated on them. Didn’t work. Lived off of them. Married men. I’ll admit I always turned a nose up to them. I’d always think to myself, “No way in hell would I ever be in a situation like that!” I’d wonder what kind of self esteem issues they had to put themselves through the unnecessary drama. Then I realized I don’t have a man. I’ve had relationships that ended for one reason or another… what was my “issue”. It can’t always be the man’s fault. Then I thought. Most women fit into one of five categories.

There’s the “I love married men” woman. This is the woman that is always messing around with someone else’s man. Most of the time she’ll tell you it just happens like that, but there are many that will tell you they seek married men. When I ask why, I usually hear “Because when you are tired of them you can send them home.” Really ladies? Really?

There’s the “I’m always in an abusive relationship” woman. This is the woman that always seems to be with a man that is beating her either physically or emotionally. Ladies, this can happen to anyone once. We are loving and trusting, it can be easy to miss the signs…once. The second, third, and forth time this happens…it is not an “accident” this is what you like. Accept it. Deal with it.

The “Take care of a man” woman. We all know her. She’s the one that gets dropped off at work, in her own car, by her live in man that doesn’t work. He is often late picking her up, and often spotted riding around town in her car with some other woman. When questioned about his antics, he is often known to go upset her head.

The “I don’t need a man” woman. This one has turned independence into an art form. She is not going to give you a chance to mistreat her. She’ll date you a few times. Never answer your phone call. Use you for sex. She isn’t really interested in getting to know you, because she doesn’t plan to keep you around long. This woman has herself together, outwardly, is not about to let you break her flow.

Then there’s the “Good girl”. She’s the sweet girl you love to talk to. Hang out with. Joke with. She’s cool because you can tell her anything without judgment. This girl is usually not very attractive, at least in the eyes of men, and always has a lot of male friends, but never any male “friends”.

All women fall into one of those categories. I fall in one of those categories. I had to accept that while I may not be as bad as some, I was still not without my issues. My own insecurities and self doubt. Hell, I’m without a man too, so I couldn’t be the perfect princess I’d fancied myself to be. I read somewhere that if you don’t want to play games, then you don’t want to be in a relationship. What do you do if you have no game?

I’m not a psychiatrist, but I do know women. More importantly, I know God. If you have an issue, you turn to Him. You work on it. You pride yourself on being fearfully and wonderfully made. No man is worth changing yourself, but self respect is. Being someone’s doormat isn’t going to make them love you. Being “hard” isn’t going to keep you from getting hurt. Everyone is entitled to their own man, and is this something that you really want to reap?

Bottom line my sisters, love yourself. Love you, and know that you deserve every blessing in the world, including love. Know this, and I promise everything else will fall into place.


  1. Hello Yolanda Kirby and welcome to Brown Sista. Always nice to have a new voice around here.

    Now let me get right to it.

    I have issues with people who continue to tell black women that God is the answer and solution for their problems.

    Truth is, YOU are the only answer and solution to YOUR problem.

    Looking to God to fix your problems takes the responsibility off you and puts it on another. It is what scared people do.

    Black women have to let go of fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of being rejected. Fear of failure. Look at your life, see what is wrong and then get to work.
    If you have a no good man in your life, ask yourself why and then go about fixing it. Don’t wait on God or anyone else. God didn’t bring the loser into your life, so chances are he won’t remove them either.

    Own your own destiny’s sistas.

  2. @ Lourdez. I don’t think that’s what the writer was saying at all! I read turn to God and work on it. And, Christians know to go to God in prayer, you pray for strength. You pray for answers. You don’t just pray and sit and wait…A Christian would know that. For Yolanda… I got what you’re saying.

  3. Another article telling women its all their fault. Just fix yourselves and a quality man will soon fall into your lap/bed.

    There are a few billion men on this planet sistas. If you can’t find a good one, branch out, expand your friend base. Look new places. Get out of the hood. Entertain the prospect of men who may be of another ethnicity.

    I work in a hospital and recently took a chance on a man of east indian decent who also happens to be an orthopedic doctor. To my joy we weren’t that different at all and enjoy each other’s company immensely.

    Branch out ladies.

  4. @Lourdez….Amen and thinking positive works too.

  5. I think “some” people missed the point. For the writer…I agree totally with Angela. I also agree that when you love yourself everything will work out. I actually read what was written.

  6. To the writer-VERY well put. I preach this sermon to my gf’s b/c it’s not always a man’s fault why WE don’t get what we feel we deserve out of relationships. The realizations that you’ve stated that you’ve come too recently, are the EXACT same realizations that I came too after a VERY painful divorce 4 yrs ago.

    Since that time, I’m no longer the “Miss IND aka Boss Chick,” nor am I the “it’s all his fault and screw men b/c they’re all the same,” woman. Yes God did make me unique and with flaws (as I like to say, beautifully flawed). However, I’ve now come to own my faults and character defects, relax and allow things to just flow versus trying to always “control and direct” how things will work.

    I agree with this article (some minor points I disagree with) but nevertheless, you did a GREAT job conveying your point!

  7. Yolanda, I LOVE this article. I know several of the five women and have been one of those once in my life. I look back at my younger days when I was so desperate to keep a man around and the foolish things I did. I wonder “what was I thinking?”. However, I have grown to truly love myself, and therefore, found someone who TRULY loves me. He is not African American (I truly had hoped for the black love scenario, but he is perfect for me. His actions show me how much he loves me and he has asked me to marry him. We must learn to love ourselves first and foremost. Love ourselves enough to not just accept any random guy.

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