Finding Mr. Right

Black women’s struggles to find suitable mates has been an ongoing topic for some time now. It is estimated that a whopping 40% of black women are single. Many professional, good looking black women who want to settle down can’t seem to find a good black man, or so they say.

There is another side to this story that has not been revealed. While it is true that prison, high unemployment rates among black men, interracial dating and homosexuality limit the number of single black men, these are just a few reasons black women remain unhitched.

The real truth is that black women need to take a hard look at themselves and examine their beliefs, thoughts, and actions when it comes to finding, attracting and keeping a good black man.

Ci Ci Foster, a relationship advice columnist and author, has written a brief, yet powerful article that will help women with their dating struggles. In an article, Ci Ci asserts the following reasons women don’t succeed in finding or dating Mr. Right:

1. They settle for Mr. Wrong and try to turn him into Mr. Right.

Black women date/commit to men who don’t meet their basic standards of what they want in a mate, but believe they can ‘fix’ him into being their prince charming. They are oblivious to the fact that Mr. Wrong can never be Mr. Right, no matter how they try. Some black women spend years with Mr. Wrong, only to find out that he will never change because he was Mr. Wrong from the beginning.

2. They don’t love themselves first.

Black women often seek love from men without loving themselves first, which sets them up for verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse. A man can’t love a woman who doesn’t love herself. He will treat her the way she treats herself. The more you love yourself, the men you attract will see that and treat you accordingly.

3. They try to turn a booty call situation into ‘love’ or a relationship.

Some black women make the mistake of having a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship, but try to turn it into something more. The truth is, you can’t turn a booty call into love. If sex is all a man wants, you can’t get love. He’s not there for love, just sex. Most women equate sex with love, but men who want booty calls want just that. Please remember: No amount of good pu* *y is going to change his mind!
If you truly want love, don’t settle for less! This arrangement will only set you up for pain and emptiness, and block you from being available for Mr. Right.

4. Black women spoil men too early in the relationship.

I have seen this time and time again, especially with young black women. They meet a guy and immediately start buying him things, giving him money, etc, without knowing him or establishing a relationship with him first. In turn, the man does not take them seriously and just uses them for what they have.

The man sees the woman as an ATM, and loses respect for her because she is trying to buy his love or affection. This is not allowing him to be a man, and makes the woman vulnerable and a target for abuse. If you want a real relationship, start off respecting yourself-including your finances! Men can only respect you if you respect yourself!

5. Staying in bad/non-committed relationships because the sex is good.

Let’s face it: Sex is powerful! But it is not love! No matter how good a brotha is in the bedroom, it does not take the place of a loving relationship. Many black women get caught up with good sex and ignore all of the bad qualities in a man. Remember that sex is just one important part of a relationship, but not all of it. If the sex is good but the relationship isn’t, get out! Don’t waste time on someone who does not have the complete package you are seeking. Sex is usually always better with love!

6. They listen to their girlfriends/family opinions instead of their own hearts.

A lot of black men complain that black women listen to their girlfriends/family members and it gets in the way of their relationship. You know you have a good man, but you let your friends’ opinions about your man get in the way and sabotage the relationship. Just because your friends don’t see the good qualities in your mate, or believe you can do better, does not mean they are right! Always focus on your own heart and your own feelings! If you are happy, that is all that really matters! Trust yourself and keep friends and family out of your relationship!

7. Black Women don’t heal after bad relationships.

While it is true that some men are liars, cheaters, and abusers, there are some great men out there. However, there are women who carry anger and resentment about their past relationships and expect the worst! They put out negative energy, so they will attract men who will give them more of the same-negative experiences. If you have not healed your past hurts, you can often turn a good man away with your negative vibes and actions. To find and attract a good man, you must believe one exists! Work on yourself to heal the past, and start expecting to meet a good man. A positive attitude goes a long way, and is more attractive than anger or resentment. Remember, you get what you expect!

8. They date/pursue married, bi, or emotionally unavailable men.

This one is a biggie!! Black women talk about what they want in a mate, but often date men who cannot give them what they want! Bisexual, married, or emotionally unavailable men should be off limits at all times in order to have lasting love.

It all boils down to one thing: black women need to love themselves. Once they do that, and know what they want in a relationship, they should never settle for less than what they really want.

Ci Ci Foster has been featured in The Chocolate Voice, FeSaad Magazine, Suavv Magazine , XI magazine, Fever Magazine, Gloss Magazine, Get Money Magazine, The Black Urban Times and has been a special guest on radio shows such as Large FM, The Dedan Tolbert Show, and many others. Visit,, or for more info.


  1. Wow, this author hit it right on the head! Completely…the main reason most beautiful Black women are single is exactly as she stated and then some. Other than what was so wonderfully stated, another reason why most black women are single is because unfortunately a lot of my fellow sista girls have some poor-“gl”ASS attitudes and just rude as heck and can be super pretty outside but they don’t know how to be nice or have a conversation with ANYBODY!!!….man, woman, child…

    Second,a lot of us sell our selves short by dating “losers” for the sake of not thinking enough of ourselves and upholding our standards, giving up the cookie or heartstrings too soon, or settling for just any darn one which is sad.
    The only thing white women have over us is they are way better at making sure that they are sexually protected and either hold out or make brother-man wrap it up and/or get their routine BC. That, and a consistent pleasant attitude is really all they have that makes them more marketable ’cause they don’t have multiple kids by different dads. Not that they don’t on occasion, they’re more hoeish than we are, they just don’t get caught.

    Lastly, a lot of Black women refuse to look outside their race for love. The brothers do it, why can’t we? White men LOVE us! Even the most racist S.O.B.’s in history (Strom Thurman,etc) had secret affairs with beautiful black women. Why? Cause we’re the object of their and really most mens’ fantasy…that’s why white women try so da*m hard to look like us between their implants, tans, and silicone.

    I’ll admit their are some good-for-nothing caucasian males too, but for the most part I prefer dating them over brothers. I’ve currently been in a beautiful two year relationship with the love of my life and we are headed towards marriage. The fact that he is white has nothing to do with it. He’s just a REALLY good man and he treats me like a princess. Not a sugar-daddy….but a best friend. Someone I can talk to about everything and then some. We feed each others’ intellect as well as child sides and it’s a beautiful thing. I thank God that He blessed us to fall in love and I’m thrilled we both discuss our future and we’ve determined to build our throne of dreams and desires together.

    Kudos to this author again…couldn’t have said it better!

  2. No offense to people in ir relationships with white men, but there are other men besides white and black men. I’d say open your horizons travel to other communities.

  3. I think this author makes excellent points. The only thing I want to add is this advice is applicable to ALL women, not just black women. We women need to love ourselves first and foremost, as well as figure out what we want — not what society, family, and friends want. This applies to women across the board. Black woman, I sincerely believe, have it harder than others, to find a “good man” but love takes time. Stay true to yourself and do your thing — everything else really will fall into place.

  4. black women stop sleeping with men that you know have girlfriends or wives.


  6. Black women are no different than any other women out here. I get so sick tired people always saying we are rude and angry and blah blah blah. We act accordingly to the situation and in some cases some black women over do it.

    Stop judging all black women the same and trying to put us all in this box. There is no one black woman with one attitude one mood or one personality. We are individuals and should be judged and addressed as such.

  7. Black, white, yellow… we’re all the same. Truth is, regardless of race, there are more women than men nowadays, and some men are even competing with women when it comes to having relationships with men.

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