Forum Topic Of The Day 6.13.2008

If A Man Loves You, He Will Spend Money On You

Jeneen says:

I was reading a women’s magazine last night that said if a man does not spend money on you then he does not care for or really like you. I quickly jumped on the phone and called my Grandmother and Father who both verified the above statement to indeed be true. I later on hit up a few female friends who swore up and down this was not true and proceeded to make all types of excuses as to why a man would never spend money on a woman he claimed to care for. For the record, I believe the above statement to be one hundred percent true and I’m not buying that “maybe he is broke” excuse either. People spend money on things they care about, be it themselves, their home, their children, their car… whatever. Broke or not, a man with any interest in you at all is going to find a way to materialistically show you that he cares.


In response to another poster, Jeneen also said:

I did not say the relationship was based on money, I simply said that if a man never spends money on you or buys you anything he does not care. Giving people things is a fundamental way in which we show people we care…. this is a fact. When men want to impress women they generally do it with their wallets, I.E taking her out, blah, blah, blah. I don’t care how broke someone claims to be, if they care they will show it with their wallets… that is what men do and most of you men here have done it at some point in time.

Alright brothas and sistas- speak on it…

60 Comments

  1. I agree with the above statements. You don’t have to go out of your way to spend 150 million dollars right this very instant. It can be something that’s easy, nice and simple. Here’s an example: about twice a week, I go to the market and buy some apples and some strawberries and some chocolate chips. Oh, and don’t forget a bottle of champagne. What I’ll do is make some chocolate covered apples and strawberries some my wife and I can snack on something nice when she gets home from work. About twice a week I’ll also call her at work and ask what she would like for dinner. I’ll go to the market to get what she feels like having, bring it home, start dinner and she finishes it when she gets home. Ya see, fellas? It can be just something that’s nice, romantic and will let your lady know that you care about her and that you’re thinking of her. Amen, ladies? And something nice like that doesn’t cost as much money as you think.

  2. I totally agree. I don’t understand why some people get uptight on this issue. It isn’t about a woman being a golddigger or a man being a lothario. You pamper yourself at a spa, a hair salon, a clothing store or a nail salon because you care about yourself and how you look right? Or you buy a hot car and keep it shining because you wanted to gift yourself with something nice to show how hard you worked at your job. You go on a relaxing vacation…and so on. Isn’t taking care of yourself, loving and respecting yourself work? And sometimes that work costs money. Or for that matter, when you want to make your mom or dad feel really good, or surprise them, you usually buy them something grand or take them somewhere grand, and are filled with warm fuzzies when they express how appreciative they are. If you’re in a committed relationship with someone and claim to care about them and their welfare, what is wrong with spending money on them?

    I think this whole concept gets twisted when guys flash their money and cars and bling to attract a girl, and then get mad when they attract that wrong kind of girl who only wants what they can give them. But you got what you gave–your stuff! Guys today don’t have game and substitute money for real, smooth and sexy game, and then act as though women are greedy guts when they take their money and run. Newsflash–get a personality and some substance and stop flashing your stuff if you want a real, loving, equal relationship (I could say the same concerning women wearing flashy and revealing clothing to attract men, but get mad when they only receive “hey shawty, can I git yo number?” type of guys).

  3. I also agree with the statement.

    @Smooth Thug

    *Sigh* Men like you DO exist! I’m 22, do you have any brothers my age??? Lol. Seriously……

    @Angela- Good point!

    “If you’re in a committed relationship with someone and claim to care about them and their welfare, what is wrong with spending money on them? I think this whole concept gets twisted when guys flash their money and cars and bling to attract a girl, and then get mad when they attract that wrong kind of girl who only wants what they can give them. “

  4. I agree 100%. Amen to that Smooththug, I’m glad you are doing it right for your wife!!! If a man cares he will show it. Actions definitely speak louder than words so his wallet is going to get lighter when he makes affectionate gestures. It could be anything from Smooththug’s chocolate covered fruit to my beau filling up my gas tank (I could fill my own tank but it’s a nice surprise, shows he was actually listening to me rambling on about gas prices). It could be getting something inexpensive or something ridiculously pricey. If a man loves you, he will express it by spending money on you. The opposite is also true btw, that’s the reason the networks are all abuzz with Father’s Day commercials this week.

  5. LOL @ HopelessRomantic

    “*Sigh* Men like you DO exist! I’m 22, do you have any brothers my age??? Lol. Seriously……”

  6. I actually want to disagree with the ladies. Even if its a small gift every now and then but a man spending mooney on a chick shows that you are worth spending his hard earned cash on! He doesn’t have to shower you with gifts but spending a little gives a guy major brownie points

  7. 100% absolutely true. It is the small things that matter. My husband buys me flowers just because he was thinking about me, my favorite candy which is M&M’s (a huge bag) when it is that time of the month, every Friday he takes me out because he says that is our date night and he will buy me a nice shirt or pants because he says he saw it and thought it look just like me. My favorite is date night after working Monday through Friday. It could be a nice sit down restaurant or just going to the mall and getting a slice pizza. The most important thing is, you don’t have to spend hundreds or thousands to show someone that you appreciate them.

  8. Wow…

    I agree wholeheartedly with the statement that men show their love by spending their money on the woman.

    There was a time, however, when I did not believe it and I was so headstrong and “independent” that I refused to take gifts from men.

    That changed when a close friend of mine, and older and very wise man, who was (and is) very much a “collector of women (read he had game–women love him and he loves women) ” for lack of a better word, heard me proudly exclaim that I didn’t accept gifts from men.

    He scolded me unexpectedly and said: “Nefertari, I don’t EVER want to hear you say that again–it’s foolish. Don’t you know that we (men) WANT to spend money on you (Women); we want to give you the world, that is a large part of what drives us–and if you refuse, then you tell us that you don’t believe you are worth our adoration.

    Then he said “you have to accept the gifts–like Isis would accept a sacrifice from one of her worshippers…”

    I was stunned…I never thought he was the type to give women anything. In fact, I had seen many women try to give HIM the world.

    Some years later my husband told me that he had never given money to any woman besides his mother–his first wife, and me.

    I still struggle with the concept because I don’t judge men by what they own. I judge them by their hearts and how they treat me. However, I have learned from those same men that one of the ways they show what’s in their heart, is through what they give you.

    They are strange creatures….(Creatures is meant in only the most flattering way).

  9. @Smooth Thug

    Perfect. I am sure you are my brother from another mother.

  10. I can agree with the topic. I think the little things make me happy. The person im with now his pockets it not heavy but he do what he can. Sometime he complains i wish i can do this for you but i told him little things count we can built together and then get the big things. Some people do not look at things like that. With the topic how much money you talking about any way lol. But these days i think couple should do for each other not just the man.

  11. exactly i agree with everybody. there is nothing wrong with showing someone u care by spending a lil money on there. wether it’s dinner and a movie, flowers, a vacation, jewelry, whatever the case, that’s just another way to show how much u care for and appreciate someone. My baby doesn’t always have a whole lot to spend, but regardless when he does have it, he has no problem spending it on me, and vice versa. It’s just part of being in the kind of relationship.

  12. I agree with Smooth Thug,

    It’s not always about spending in terms of material things and gifts, but its the small things like picking up groceries & cooking..Helping to take the load off around the house after a long hard days work can mean more than coming home with roses or gifts…I’d rather have a man do something small that counts as opposed to spending big meaningless bucks.

    If you are a woman that can do for yourself you won’t be foucussed on what a man can buy you..I personally don’t like when a man tries to buy me or my affection that turns me off..I met a guy like that who tried to buy me and he kept insenuiating that I NEEDED him to take care of me, that pissed me off!..Everything with him was “what you NEED, or you NEED me to do bla,bla,bla..In reality he didn’t know how to deal with a independant woman who made her own money and it made him feel less so he tried to make me dependant on him by trying to buy me…I don’t mind a man doing things for me as a token of affection, but don’t over do it.

  13. THe male ego wants him to shower his woman with gifts, I am personally and independent woman i have my own job and my own money i wouldn’t need a rich man to validate me my man just happens to be wealthy honestly the minimum is necessary when it comes to money but would i let a man go if he respects me loves me but doesn’t buy me gifts f-… no; drink or drive you need to choose so many women waste time on the materialistic stuff they let the perfect guy go away. Even with all he had my baby gives me symbolic things like roses or a poem or even a teddy bear an i’m happy with it ! sometimes i come back from work tired as hell and there is my house smelling clean food on the table a luther cd and champagne , my daughters at my mother and everything is picture perfect for a great evening THat’s all i ask

    Honestly only dependent / hood rats and goldigger should worry about what a man buy them ill worry about what the man feel for me because at the end of the day he’ll buy you everything then leave you for someone that can love him for him

    Food for thoughts

  14. Looking back on my past relationships… This probably is true…

    Why are our black men so F’d up???

    Somebody PLEASE give me an explanation – (tear)

  15. Ms. Cinnamon Mocha (i need to get to starbucks lool)
    what happened?

  16. @Cinnamon

    This will be a very unpopular answer–but we all know that’s my style so….

    I don’t believe that all of our men are F’d up. I don’t even believe that most are. However, I do have an opinion on why so many of them are. They are F’d up because women taught them to be.

    The woman is the first teacher of the child. The FIRST example of womanhood that a manchild encounters is his mother. He will determine what it means to be a woman, what women want and deserve, and how to treat a woman based on what he observes of his mother’s interactions with men because believe it or not, our children learn by what we do….not what we say.

    So then to the real issue….many Sisters are CONFUSED. Many Sisters think there is a di$@ shortage (read…they believe the lie that there is a shortage of good men) and so they will often put up with things that they should not tolerate and accept less than they should receive (in terms of respect, support, love, devotion). The more confused sisters that we produce they more f-up (as you put it Ms. Cinnamon) our men become.

    Even if the women don’t transfer this confusion to their sons, they will “teach” it to the men they deal with.

    I have seen a few very good men (when young) completely ruined by the stampedes of desperate and confused sisters. The men started out cherishing, respecting, and wanting to “do for” the women but encountered so many women who would let them get away with doing less–that they came to believe “why should I do more–when I can get what I want by doing nothing…”

    Think about it–if your employer would mail you a paycheck of the same amount that you would earn by working–for you to just stay at home….wouldn’t you just stay at home?
    So if a woman will give a man the same “benefit” he would get if he treated her the right way–even if he treats her the wrong way…why would he put in the effort?

    I’m not saying that the initial confusion is the fault of sisters either. Often we learn to expect less by having been given some man’s behind to kiss after having shown him love. We have to get that poison out of our system before moving to the next man–or we will poision him and keep teaching the confusion.

    I’m not preaching–I’ve lived it. With my first husband I was so young that I didn’t know how I should be treated. My father provided for us financially (excellent material provider) but he didn’t really treat his wife (my mother) with respect–in fact, he controlled her. I grew up thinking that was normal and guess what??? When my first husband tried to control me and disrespect me…I let it happen.

    My second husband came when I was much older, wiser, and had a better understanding of how I should be treated (trial and error or trial by fire ;-0) The way that he treats me is completely different fromt he way he treated women who he dated before he and I got married. He gave them what they accepted. He gives me what I EXPECT. He knows I won’t accept less than what I expect. I’m not guessing…he has told me as much.

    Teach the men you deal with, how to treat you. If they don’t know how–and refuse to learn–they need to be expelled and replaced with one who will. There is a standard and our men can do it–they just have to be pulled out of the confusion that unfortunately, other women have led them to.

  17. BTW…there is NOT a di#@ shortage. There never in the history of mankind has been–and there never will be.
    Get that out of your heads. You hear comedians joke all the time that “women–you just don’t know the power that you have..” and you actually think it is a joke. It is not. They know it is not. MEN know it is not. If you still think that it is, then the only joke is on you.

    You have the power to expect to be treated a certain way–and get that treatment. If you don’t believe me, ask a brother who is your true friend, who doesn’t want anything from you, and doesn’t have anything to lose by telling you the truth.

  18. @ Angela: Speak the Truth honey!

    I’m so tired of guys complaining about golddiggers when all they do is flash all this materalistic stuff. You are not going to catch a good girls’ eye with that crap. She is going to think that you are a pretenious jerk.

    I do think that the above statements are true, but I just think that the way it is phrased has made the sistas on the board get defensive. Maybe if it said that he will invest in his relationship, the women wouldn’t be so defensive.

    The best advice I ever received about men was pay no attention to what to what they say, but pay close attention to what they do!

    Peace & Blessings y’all!

  19. Okay…..yes definitely! people do spend their money on the things they care about. Even the most broke person, when they get any money,will spend it on whatever is at the top of their priority list. I used to wonder if my boo cared cause I felt like I was the only one puttin’ in on stuff. He would pay for dinner and movies but like on holidays I want someone to do it big for me. I wasnt sure how he felt until my birthday came, when he bought shoes, a purse and other stuff. At that moment I knew how he felt because you dont do that for someone you dont care about. I dont think thats materialistic at all.

  20. I guess that I am confused about why the introductory posts have led people to start raging about “gold diggers” “and not being independent…

    The post didn’t say that men who are rich should do such and such. It didn’t say that if a man loves you he will buy diamonds, bentleys, and furs. It said, simply, that a man will spend money on you–to show his affection for you. No amount of money was specified. As Smooth Thug said, it could be as simple as buying something that you like for dinner or something small and sweet like your favorite candy.

    When I am having a bad day–my husband will grin and say “I’m going to get you a slice of cheesecake”. He grins because the only sweets that I eat are Dove Bars, and a ridiculously expensive slice of cheescake from a vendor near our house. I won’t spend money on a slice so its a treat that makes me smile. It doesn’t break the bank–but it shows that he THOUGHT about me and spent his money on something to make me happy.

    We don’t have to be so angry all the time. I realize we take the heat, as black women, for a lot of garbage–but not everything is negative.

    So what–a man spends his money on you. Maybe he is in love with you–Maybe he is just trying to impress you. Maybe he is just trying to bling and show off–I am sure there are hundreds of women on whom he would not offer to spend a single, solitary penny–so smile and enjoy it. It doesn’t have to be taken as an affront.

  21. Ladies, before I begin, please let me ask y’all a question… where are all the fellas and their comments on this topic? As far as I can tell, only the ladies have posted comments so far. Come on, fellas. All the ladies wanna hear what you have to say for yourselves.
    “HopelessRomantic” and Ms. “Rae”, I regret to say that I haven’t any brothers. But it is my deepest, sincerest, and most heart felt wish that you both find a guy who will do all the simple, romantic things that will make you both the happiest ladies in the world, for the rest of your lives. Nefertari, what can I say? I’ve come to think of you as a sister. You are such a sweetheart.
    Fellas, it’s like this: it is the nice, simple, romantic things will especially touch a lady’s heart. It lets them know that you love them, you care about them, you’re thinking of them, and that they matter to you and your life. This has worked just fine for me and my wife ’cause we’ve benn married now for over 25 years. And it gets better and better with each and every passing day. So come on, fellas. All these wonderful aldies wanna hear from you. Lets not keep them waiting.

  22. I agree 1000%. When me and my husband were dating there was nothing that he wouldn’t do for me. I was not asking him for my mortgage or my car paymeny, but he cared for me enough to make my life easier by doing those things without me asking! Men like to spend on things they like, so if they like you they won’t mind giving you anything.

  23. I agree with Nefertari Chocolatepeach about these mothers with young sons and have them spoiled to death. There millions of 16 year old boys out there than don’t have summer jobs b/c Momma doesn’t want him to have too much to do. I was 14 when I started working and has not been with out a job since, I am 29. I was a cheerleader, majorette, jr. civitan officer, candystriper and my paying job was clerk at the church, the cashier at KFC and on and on. I did all this while going to high school. I have 2 friends that think there boys should not have to work if it is going to take away from their sports, I think that is the wrong message to send a young man or woman for that matter. My daughter will be 12 this years and she babysits and does house cleaning for relatives to make money! These young men are being taught all the wrong concepts about what it is to be a man. A lot of times (like my 2 friends) they don’t have men in their personal lives so they in a sense worship their sons. I think that is sending a bad message.

  24. The ones that do have the materlist stuff they let that stuff speak for them. Like Lisa Raye said you make the money do not let the money make you. Because when you do hit rock buttom then nobody will want you lol.

  25. I do agree to a certain point. Some women use this as a tactic of MANipulation. My husband spent money on me when we were dating as far as dinners, movies and other outings but when it came to clothes it was all me. Once in a blue if he saw an outfit that he wanted to see me in, he’d buy it but if I would come right out and say can you buy this…he’d say “No b/c you have $$. and it was true I really did have the money to take care of it and there was no need to ask……..I guess I was just trying it b/c other girls did it. LOL LOL!!!

  26. I agree with that statment as well because when a person is good to you, you will everything to let them know that you love them. And I also agree that it does not take a lot of money to show a woman you care for her. I do believe though that that also goes for women. If they love a man they would give him gifts and money as well. What is good for a woman is also good for a man.

  27. But ask yourself, does a sugar daddy like his woman better just because he is spending money on them?

    Money complicates love, although I agree that not spending money can be a sign that a man is not very loving. But too much can be read into money showering, a man can cover for his infidelity by spending.

    I also know women who have chased men with money until it was too late to get a good man.

  28. Sometimes it’s not about whether the man likes the woman (especially when the woman is just a fling or side piece). Sometimes it’s about how powerful it makes him feel and sometimes it’s simply about the chase.

    It’s part of the game men are taught to play. For some it’s simply that. A game.

    Just because someone spends money on you it doesn’t always mean they care about you. Just because someone doesn’t spend money on you it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. Based on our experiences, some of us have a real twisted relationship with money. So to put so much emphasis on how one chooses to use it is just idiotic. Stop overanalyzing everything.

  29. @Sanchez,

    I understand where you are coming from–but I think you misunderstood the issue.

    The statement that Stephanie quoted did not say: “A (any) man who spends money on you loves you.” (that is obviously not true since John’s spend money on hookers).

    It said: A man who loves you will spend money on you (no amount specified).

    Each of those sentences are two extremely different statements.

    I agree with you–if you understood the post to be about only the first statement. Men DO spend money on women they don’t love–but that was not the question.

  30. I didn’t misunderstand the issue. I stated my opinion on the topic. Are you the blog moderator? If not, I would appreciate it if you would stay away from police(ing) my comment.

  31. I think money issues are sensitive not just in relationships but in daily life issues, does a man have to spend money on a woman to proove his love? i think yes and no!
    no, because so men spend lots of money on women for different reasons; to fill a void, to compensate for his infidelties( a man may be cheating on you but that doesnt mean he does not love you..strange but true), his absence and so on and so forth, so spending money on a woman is not always proof of love
    yes, because for some men its a sign of appreciation, commitment,respect and chivalry, so therefore in this case when a man truly and sincerly loves a woman for what she is not for the way she looks, not for her “name“ or anything superficial spending money comes naturally and it cannot be viewed as trying to buy her love and trying to show your financial strength. I for one, i have certain way of spending money on my girlfriend, i spend it in a way that will benefit us both, in this case i favor weekends out-of-town, since i live up north where its very cold,numerous times i surprised my girlfriend with flight tickets to west palm beach( one of my favorite spots) i buy the tickets, the hotel accomodations and whatnot for us “both“, but its important to note that i make way more money than she makes and i view it as taking care of responsibilities
    lastly a man can also spend lots of money on a woman for whom he doesnt have the slightest affection, in this case he probably just wants a “fling“. there goes my contribution

  32. @Sanchez

    No, I’m not the moderator. I am a participant who was trying to converse with you regarding your point. However, lest you get your panties in a bunch, forget that I commented.

  33. @Sanchez

    At the risk of you believing that I am again, “policing” your comment, I also agree with you that a person’s prior relationship with money–will overshadow everything else and affect whether or not they spend it, whether they care about a person or not.

  34. @Sanchez again …

    After re-reading my initial comment to you, I probably would have been offended had someone told me that I “misunderstood” the issue. That was my mistake. I didn’t intend it to be offensive, but I can see that it was. I apologize.

  35. @Stuffgirlslike

    You really hit the nail on the head!

    My ex husband was a cheater and I always knew when he had crept out because he would come home bearing gifts! To this day he believes that his gifts and money were his “apology” and that I should have taken them as such.

    You are so right.

  36. I think that if a man really cares about you he will not have a problem spending money on you. And yes, it is the small things that count. I mean like asking what would I like for dinner, and possibly having my dinner waiting for me every once in a while. It really is that Little effort that lets me know that I am on your mind.
    And on the other hand I give as much as I get!!!!!! I think we as women need to be more aware of our worth and not get comfortable to “just settle” on a man. NO, NO, NO, your love should come with conditions. In the beginning we that are tring to get you, they go out of their way to treat you speacial, so when they finally get you, YOU,,,need to make them keep on doing the same things and dont settle for less…. Again,,I give as much as I get. I dont need a man to validate me or make their money for me to spend. I make my own money, I have my own car and house. But I do need and want a good man for companionship and friendship without all of the BULL—- and Games. I am much to mature and old for that!!!
    So again ladies dont settle and there is nothing wrong with a brother spending a money on you, but you should want to do the same thing for him from time to time.

  37. Hm, the way it’s written out makes it hard to comment, since there are so many conditions that can make that idea true, and just as many that can make it false. If a guy likes a girl, really, it’s inevitable that he’ll spend some money on her. Dinner, Flowers, Movie Tickets, little things. It’s just going to happen. But I think the same is also true for women. Eventually, money will be spent on him. Even if it’s indirectly (and by that I mean spending money on one’s self for another person’s benefit) or just getting him stuff sometimes. I think that’s just the way things work. You can tell someone you adore them all day, but if everytime you both go out to dinner there’s a discussion of the check or it’s split every single time, it’s not going to matter. Because that just says “Time with you isn’t worth $20.” Eventually, it just becomes a turn away.

    People always talk about women focusing on money…what about guys? Male Gold-diggers, Men who are threatened by a woman that makes more, men that are turned off by woman who doesn’t earn enough. No one talks about that.

  38. “Sanchez”, please. All the moderator is saying is that when you truely care and love someone, spending a little money on them is something that will be easy for you to do. The moderator is trying to apply that idea to a grown-up, mature relationship between 2 adults that’s for real. You stated that ” Sometimes it’s about how powerful it makes him feel and sometimes it’s simply about the chase.” In either case, that’s merely a “game”. A “game”, by the way, that’s most often played by high school boys; yes, we even have grown men with high school boy mentalities who like to play the “game” too; we’ve got a ton of those runnin’ around out there! No, the moderator means that if the love you have for your lady is mature, true in your heart, then spending a little money is a part of that relationship. I agree with that, how ’bout you? And no I’m not trying to police or over analyze your comments. I’m only trying to point you in the right direction, that’s all. OK?

  39. Well I agree that it`s the small things that really matter and should mean the most. Personally I like the movie, dinner and flowers vibe etc. Just the little things go a long way. As a man, I don`t see why this should be a problem.

    Also, the same holds true for the woman if you`re dating. My grandmother told me, “If a woman cares anything about you she`ll invite you over for dinner sometimes”. I totally agree with her and it doesn`t cost a lot of money. Afterall it`s a two way street. If marriage follows down the line the same still holds true for both. Actions speaks volumes.

    “The Way You Make Me Feel” by MJ

    Hey pretty baby with the high heels on
    You give me fever
    Like I`ve never, ever known
    You`re just a product of loveliness
    I feel the groove of your walk
    Your talk, your dress
    I feel your fever
    From miles around
    I`ll pick you up in my car
    And we`ll paint the town
    Just kiss me baby
    And tell me twice
    That you`re the one for me

    The way you make me feel
    (The way you make me feel)
    You really turn me on
    (You really turn me on)
    You knock me off of my feet
    (You knock me off of my feet)
    My lonely days are gone
    (My lonely days are gone)

  40. A few years ago I met a really nice guy. This guy and I began to date. On one of our first dates he told me that he had recently lost his job and was really struggling finacially. (He had found another job but it didn’t pay aswell as the job he lost).

    So for the first 7 or 8 months of our dating he didn’t spend any money at all on me. All of my friends told me I should dump him becasue he was broke. I didn’t listen to them and kept dating him. Long story short; he found a better job, one comperable to the job he lost. At that point he spent money on me as men normally do in a dating relationship.

    My point? If I had held the thought that if a man does not spend money on you he doesn’t care, I would have missed out on a great guy. Sometimes men can’t afford to spend the money and really are broke.

  41. @ Monie, whoa !

    “7 or 8 months of our dating he didn’t spend any money at all on me”

    Do you mean that this man did not display his affection in any way that involved money? Not even an inexpensive picnic at the park? No homemade dinner? No matinee tickets to a movie? Nothing “at all”. Did you have to pay for the dates for 7/8 whole months?

    I’m far from materialistic but I would not stay in a relationship for 7/8months if there were no gestures made that the man actually cared. A broke man with a job can certainly spend something on you.

  42. If you are really digging a brother and he doesn’t do something nice for you; then he’s a loser. Period.

    Now I do understand that there is a different dynamic when it comes to African American relationships. Many good brothers don’t have the type of funds to whisk you away on a vacation in St. Barts, six star hotels; diamonds and expensive jewels, cars, and all types of unrealistic foolishness that sisters be expected from a brother. But like everyone else who’s commented; its the little things that really matter. Saying I love you. Giving me a foot rub. Cooking a meal. Planning aromantic evening. Walking through the park, holding hands, writing letters, tickets for music…now if you’re not getting any of that I’d say be gone…yesterday…

  43. I actually have a gurlfriend who says that she doesn’t date employees only employers. She only dates men who have cars, have their own businesses, and she believes that a man’s income is an indication of his drive and ambition. She also always tombout how sistahs are always settling for less and that’s why our brothers don’t know how to step up to the plate. Her advice/opinion would be cool if she actually met this so called plethora of upper-crust brothers. I understand her point on a superficial level…but I’ve known her for three years and she hasn’t been in a serious relationship since I’ve known her..So I take her advice/opinion with a grain of salt…cause she lonely has hell. Here’s her formula..

    Bus Driver=Low Ambition
    Maintenance Man=Low Ambition
    No Job, In School and Over 30, In Between Jobs=Loser!

    Entrepreneur=High Drive and Ambition
    Any Man making over 100,00=Winner!

    I think too may sisters make it easy for brothers and that’s why brothers standards be ultra low. Men love the chase. Just because sisters are making their own money, driving their own rides, and pretty much financially independent; doesn’t mean that a man shouldn’t have to do anything for you. Men are providers by nature; and we should let nature take its course.

  44. I agree with
    Monie’s advice: do NOT miss out on a good man simply because his income is modest. Everybody hits a rough patch every now and then. But also watch whether the man who is struggling financially does things for you in ways that don’t involve money (cooks you a meal, runs your bath, treats you gently).

    I remember when my husband and I first got together. Neither one of us had much. He always said if he had a $1 then I had a $1 (not half). When things got better, we did better.

    Also as others said above, this goes both ways. My husband has a thing for watches. I buy him a nice watch whenever I come across one and have bought nice watch holders. I just like the look on his face when he opens the bag.

    I still enjoy giving more than getting but I’m working on it. I am sometimes a bit “too independent” and it can be hurtful to a man’s ego if we aren’t careful.

  45. Rae,

    “I’m far from materialistic but I would not stay in a relationship for 7/8months if there were no gestures made that the man actually cared.”

    He made plenty of gestures with regard to his affection/ caring for me. They just weren’t financial. It was really interesting because he was very creative in terms of the things we did. We definitely didn’t sit around the house watching TV. I’m just pointing out that life happens, and sometimes we meet someone who is going through a financial crisis.

  46. Nefertari, here’s another thing I really enjoy doing for my wife; let’s see what you think about this one. A long time ago, when I was in high school (Now that’s a real long time ago! LOL), I played the guitar. Me and a couple of my partners even formed aband. We played all the latest Beatle songs and a few others by other groups. To make a long story short, I retired 3 years ago. About a year ago, I took up playing the guitar again, but just for a hobby. Now what I’ll do pretty often, and I love doing it, is sing to my wife a romantic, old- school slow jam. Her favorite is a song entitled, “That’s All”. As I’m playing the guitar, here’s how the words go:
    I can only give you love that lasts forever
    And a promise to be there each time you call
    And the only heart I own, is yours and yours alone
    That’s all… That’s all
    I can only give you country walks in springtime
    And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall
    And a love who’s burning light, will warm the winter night
    That’s All… That’s all
    (Bridge)
    There are those I am sure who have told you
    They would give you the world for a toy
    All I have are these arms to enfold you
    And a love time will never destroy.
    (Now back for the last verse)
    If you’re wondering what I’m asking in return
    You’ll be glad to know that my demand is small
    Say it’s me that you’ll adore, for now and evermore
    That’s all… That’s all.
    Tell me ya think.

  47. @SmoothThug,

    I think it is beautiful. I also think a lot of sisters would prefer that to money.

    My husband is a poet. After these years he has published a book, but back when we were just friends, he would write poems and ask me to help edit his collections. All of the Love poems were about a woman he called “Chocolate”. I have to admit that although I knew we were only friends and that he dated a few women, I was jealous of the words of affection he lavished on this “Chocolate”, although the poems were beautiful. The night he proposed he confessed to me that all I was the woman he called Chocolate”.

    It has been a lot of years but I fell in love with him through his mind, and I learned of his mind through his heart.

    We women are funny like that. The smallest things touch us.

    I’m sure your wife is overjoyed by your songs.

  48. @Smooththug & NefChocolate peach

    Aww! Both stories are among the sweetest I’ve ever heard. Personally, I prefer those gestures over money ANY day. *sigh* Back to fantasizing for me…….lol

  49. My oldest cousin is a young millionaire but whenever he dates women he doesnt tell them that he have money, i mean he will sit there listen to them talking, be the shoulder they can cry on,go in the park and give them massages but they all end up leaving him because he doesnt flash dollars bills at them
    Judging by the comments here a lot are going to miss on mr Perfect Because they are too busy browsing for Mr make it rain…

  50. That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard, Nefertari. I’ve never heard of anything like that in my entire life. It is very woman’s fantasy to be the object of a man’s most romantic feelings, to be the recipient of his very heart and soul. In being the secret subject of you husband’s poetry, that fantasy came true for you.
    Ms. “HopelessRomantic”, and Ms. “Rae”, as I’ve said, my deepest wish for both of you is that the right guy finds you and makes you both the happiest ladies in the world.
    Did y’all happen to see my Los Angeles Lakers give those roody-poo Celtics a good beat-down this evening? How ’bout how Ashanti sang the national anthem? I thought it was pretty good.

  51. Thanks Smooth Thug lol. I’m so glad the Lakers won. Looking forward to another win on Tuesday!! I will give props where props are due, Ashanti did a good job singing the national anthem. Someone’s been practicing lol

  52. @Nef Chocolatepeach

    Where did you meet your husband???? 🙂

  53. How a man shows he cares no matter how he is balling with his money:

    Whenever he goes to the grocery store he gets something special for you (something he does not like to eat at all but you do)

    Whenever he details his car, he does yours too

    If he drives your car or you all go out in your car, he puts gas in it

    If you are walking the mall and he gets something for himself, he tells you to get something for yourself (ladies always respect a mans budget, if he is not making Gucci money then pick something reasonable)

    If he gets a bonus or makes some extra money he tries to splurge on you or give you a good portion of it

    If he discusses the money as joint property, example (I made 250 extra on that job so WE can do a little something special this week)

    If he comes right out and tells you that the budget is going to be tight this week or month so he wnt be able to do ….but as soon as ….I wil make sure I do …for you like always

  54. @Smooth Thug

    He “got me” as much through his poetry as through his friendship. When we were friends, I read and edited his poetry in order to get to know him better (he is not a talker).

    @Cheryl Through his little brother who was seeing my then-best friend. We were friends through for a a lot of years before we became a couple. He is a “mama’s boy” meaning he loved his mother fiercely before she passed–but I think now that the saying is true that you can tell how a man will treat you by the way he treats his mother.

    @Love and Peace

    PERFECT! Loved It!

  55. Back when hubby and I were younger (and poorer !) I had a plain gold wedding band. I always said that I was not materialistic and that it was the thought that counted. I still hold that true (that it was the thought that counted). I believe that he has always loved me. I just FEEL it more now that he bought me a white gold ring with gigantic diamonds ! (haha).

  56. I think when a man cares for a woman he wants to make sure she is always okay. Even if he is not a millionaire he is doing something that will make her smile. Read the book of Ruth in the bible her Boaz from the moment he saw her made sure that she had everything she needed.

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