Ever Take Back A Cheating Mate?
LoveLetters said:
A girlfriend of mine just found out that her boyfriend of 3 years cheated on her. Who knows how many times he’s actually cheated, but she had photographic evidence of his latest little trist. He did the deed in his apt in the same bed he lays in with my friend. Now, my friend was upset of course, but I was shocked by her response. She said that she could deal with the cheating and that she pretty much expects every man to cheat. She said every man in her family has cheated. But what bothered her was that her boyfriend said that he slept with the woman for basically no reason. He told my friend his cheating was not a result of any shortcomings on her part and that is what bothers my friend. She feels like if she is the “perfect girlfriend” and he still cheated, then there’s no way the two of them can progress. Call me an idealist, but I still cling to the notion that it is quite possible for adult human beings to be faithful and happy. Ladies, what are your thoughts? Do you expect men to cheat? Have you ever taken a cheating man back? Is it possible for men to be faithful to one woman for an extended amount of time?
If she’s the “perfect girlfriend” then he’s just showing her that all her hard work hasn’t paid off. Yeah, most men may cheat, but they don’t have to. They do it ‘cuz they want to, and they know we’ll stick with them. It’s a shame, but that’s how it is. But, I believe that if she’s gonna stay with him, then that’s it — no snooping around, or getting him back. You made a commitment, now follow through with your plan. If the relationship isn’t built on trust anymore [especially since he kicked it out the door], then try to regain that or you’ll be miserable. So, you either stay or leave. That’s it!
*I’ve been with my bf for 3yrs, also, and if he ever cheated then either him or her — somebody’s getting cut! [LOL] Not for 3yrs I’m not gonna let a man tell me “he did it for no reason”! I better be slackin’ or lackin’ in some department for an answer like that!
If the girl this post is about goes back to her boyfriend she had better prepare herself for a lot more heartache and a lot more cheating in the future. We teach ppl how to treat us by having boundaries. To take him back is to tell him that she will allow him to commit the highest betrayal possible and do nothing about it. If she will allow cheating the man will ask himself “what else will she allow me to do and get away with”. To take him back is to to condone the behavior and what someone is allowed to do once they will do twice. The sista needs to stop making excuses like ‘all men will cheat” and lift up her standards or she is going to have a hard way to go in life.
Let me also add that today cheating can literally lead to death. When he had sex with that other woman he not only risked the relationship he risked her health.
Kick that cheatin’ *** dog to the curb.
Expecting a man to cheat is really having low expectations of men, no one should expect their men to cheat?
I have been surprised at how easily women have forgiven cheating men, There have been a series of cases where men have cheated and their wives have been willing to forgive. Now I am yet to here of men forgiving cheating husbands.
Ladies have it wrong today in general, if you sleep with a man who has not shown any commitment to you, he is going to take the whole relationship for granted.
Steph, I cling to your notion too. I know this world is crazy but God still left some good people in it. I don’t even wanna get into some of the causes, but if you don’t want to cheat, you won’t. Just the same as people decide to give up red meat (myself included) or become a vegetarian, they can use the same discipline with their own bodies. It’s all about the will.
I think alot of women still stay with there cheating men because if low self-esteem or they think there nothing out there for them, or they do not want to start over fresh or they thinking about what between the man legs. Im 33 years old woman im in a relationship we have r bump and bruises but i be damn if he cheat on me with a woman in the bed that i make love in he getting kick to the curb. I notice too these day people love DRAMA. They love the yelling and fighting or they want to see how far they can take the person. Im not built for all that. I rather be alone to deal with drama. So to your friend she need to cut him off. She do not know how many times he cheated, if he using protecting with this woman or more. That other thing we have to worry about STD we have the highest rate in that. AIDS is crazy with black people so he need to keep on stepping. I do not mean to say this i hope he change the sheets.
Excuse my french, but HELL NO i do not expect my man to cheat. He might as well just go ahead and be single if he ever plans to cheat on me. My man was raised in a house with both parents, his parents are together and have been married over 20 years. He has those values instilled in his mind, and having that kind of relationship is very important to him, as well as me. The world is in such bad shape right now, all these diseases are killing people. People are basically committing slow suicide by going and sleeping with every random person they meet at a party or club. The fact that her man really had no logical reason to cheat on her makes this situation even more creepy. What are men thinking these days? Women too for that matter. What ever happened to respecting your body as a temple? Does anybody go to church anymore? Bottom line, if a man or woman for that matter is in a relationship and feels like they want to cheat, why not just break it off now to save each other the heart ache and grief. If u feel the need to cheat, that person must not be enough for u anyway…IMO
I would like to think that I would leave someone that cheats on me! I hope it’s true. I have not had the experience in the past and don’t plan to in the future.
I think it’s possible for men to behave like adults and not cheat. But in this day and age I think dating is on another playing field. Women and men view “dating” differently. Most woman are committed when they are dating. They are there only for that one man. Men are committed when it’s convenient for them. Sometimes you are wifey and sometimes you are just “that girl I date, it ain’t like we married”. I am married to a wonderful man now but before him I was dating a guy that was cheating all the time, he was a sleazy guy and once I found out I was done. If someone cheats with a woman in the bed you lay in with him and then claims it was nothingm, then he is not worth the time and energy you put into him. A lot of women are so caught up in the fantasy of relationships, love and happily ever after that they will put up with almost anything rather than be alone and happy with themselves. And with all these diseases out there, I would never knowingly tolerated a guy that is so careless!
I don’t think we’re meant to be monogamous….
No man who cheats on a woman in their own bed is committed to the relationship. I know I just made a huge blanket statement but I believe it is the truth. This dude took the initiative to bring this woman to their home. Now come on, I am one who believes that a lot of people end long term marriages too quickly without trying to work out the problems but this is not a long term marriage. This is some fool who does not even have the minimum amount of respect for his girlfriend. I have seen too many woman watch their boyfriend cheat, forgive him and then waste five, six, even seven years of their lives on these fools. She needs to understand that she is worth more but it sounds like from her family history she probably will need to seek some therapy to get to that point.
Also, I would say that if you are going to say every man cheats then you could probably say the same thing about every woman. We are all working the same amount of hours these days and spending about the same amount of time from home but not every woman is going to cheat on their man and not every man is going to cheat on their woman.
I have a real problem with women’s belief that “all men cheat”. All effed up men cheat is more accurate. I grew up around a father, uncles, and a brother who – as far as I could tell – were very faithful to their wives.
But this is the thing — how can you “cheat” on someone who you aren’t married to? You may sleep around with someone else but you aren’t actually cheating. You may be LYING to your girl or man, but a girlfriend/boyfriend has no actual rights in the relationship. In my opinion, until you are married you are theoretically single/free agents and not obligated to be “faithful” to anyone. If you are so led to be faithful, great, but you don’t HAVE to be.
But to address the original question, I think like this: if God commanded that we don’t commit adultery, surely he has put the power and desire in men and women to actually refrain from committing adultery. If you are dating men who don’t even believe in marriage (won’t marry you), how can they possibly be expected to be “faithful”? The two characteristics don’t really go hand in hand. After 3 years, a man is still single for a reason. He’s still exploring options.
So yes, if you are dating a dog or man of low morals, of course he will cheat. But if you date a different kind of man – one who feels an obligation to GOD to be faithful to his wife, you just might get a different result. All men are not dogs, cheaters, liars, or fornicators.
* correction: most are fornicators (lol), but not adulterers.
Well I say he did her a favor by showing his true self before it was to get serious.
For the one: With the way things are today, if there is no ring on the finger then I think the idea of possible cheating should be in thought. A title is just a title and it would be ridiculous to think that just because the title is there that he or she won’t sway.
For the two: Men aren’t the only ones to cheat. However I do think it is far worst for the relationship for a woman to cheat because women typically don’t cheat for lust, its far deeper than that. For her boyfriend to cheat for no reason at all is basic betrayal. What did the other person do to provoke him to cheat? How does he know this person?
I will have to agree with Railene that if she takes him back he won’t learn a lesson. I believe in the theory that if its meant to be it will be. If she let’s him go now, because clearly he wants to try other things, he’ll eventually come back if its meant to be and then that’ll be the risk she’ll have to take.
I’ve personally never been in a relationship where I ever found out that the man cheated until AFTER it was over, however, there have been several times where I dated someone that was in a relationship but I still didn’t know it until things were already in progress. When I asked them why the response was either they weren’t happy with their loves but were too comfortable to leave or they were considering a breakup but didn’t want to break the girl’s heart.
I’m single for a reason…
No knock against her but I just believe that old notion of not shacking up because I feel your just asking for trouble. I mean what is the point of moving into together if there is no plan of marriage. Boyfriend and Girlfriend is what it is. It’s not right to cheat on people you call yourself being committed too but it happens and will continue to happen. It has nothing to do with the woman or man whomever is being cheated on. It is a conscious decision to cheat and the person doing it wants to.
We all have been there, and, yes we have all taken a cheating one back whether we want too admit it or not. But, what is her goal for this guy? Does she want to marry him or what is it that she wants out of this relationship. I don’t believe all men cheat just like all women don’t cheat. There are tons of faithful men out here. I say this because at one point and time I use too work with alot of men and they would tell me how they just didn’t think it was worth it too cheat on their wives. But, she said she was being the perfect girlfriend and he still cheated for know reason, she needs to know exactly what kind of relationship this is. I mean she has been going out with this guy for 3 years and they are not even close too being engaged. She needs too find out if he is cheating with her. I think that being the perfect girlfriend is overrated. Just be a good human being and then try too be a good wife.
So again, I say she needs too find out exactly what kind of relationship she is in. She may be in a committed relationship, but, the guy may not know they are in a committed relationship. Put the cards on the table swallow that pride and find out what does this guy want in this relationship and where it is it going. And before she asks that question prepare herself because it is just possible she may not get the answer she is expecting.
Trust is more important than love in relationships. It shouldn’t be taken lightly. Love is secondary because it is an unstable emotion. People fall in & out of love, or one may love you, but s/he’s no longer “in love’ with you *roll eyes*. Trust is the bed rock foundation of ANY relationship. If you’re no longer in love [It happens, for people grow apart/you finally get to know them for what they are lol], you should have the decency & respect for your patner to tell him/her how you feel; then, break it off [When it's all said & done]. Trust should NOT be negotiable. You don’t cheat 1st; then, break it off later. Break ups/divorces are extremely hard, but I would accept a divorce before I do a cheater. I would no longer have respect for the cheater after s/he has disrecpected me & our relationship. S/He is a liar who has broken the relationship contract. Also, don’t love birds swear to protect each other? S/He’s NO protector if s/he willing to put your health at risk with his/her extracurriculum sexual endeavors. How can such a relationship work when there is no trust, respect & care? Life is too short to live it unhappy. You CAN treat yourself better. Don’t settle for less than you’re worth [Especially when there are men & women out there who will treat you the way you deserve. Don't stop searching]. Sometimes people stay in these relationships because they’re afraid to be alone. They convince themselve “It’s better to have a cheating man/women then no one at all”. I, for one, love solitude. Also, they may feel they’ve invested too much time & effort to let it go. I say, why spent MORE time& effort than you already have?
No, I don’t expect men to cheat. As the saying go, never say NEVER…I’ll say there is 99.99% chance, I won’t accept a cheating man lol. It IS absolutely possible for a man to stay faithful to one woman for an extended amount of time. How do I know? If I can be faithful/loyal for a long period of time, I expect it from others. It doesn’t matter if they’re male/female.
On another note…Don’t EVER blame yourself when a partner cheat. It’s his/her descision ALONE to be unfaithful.
Her situation might not seem easy bit it is. This dude clearly didnt care too much about her coz not only did he chat but he also brought the woman to their house-that speaks volumes.
2ndly-if she thinks “all men cheat”, then he probably knows it and thinks she will tolerate-which is exactly what she is going to do- hence it will happen again.
I believe that a lot of men cheat BUT I choose to believe that not all of them do. Some men really do lve their wives and girlfriends.
As sistas we also need to address why we continue to sleep with men we know are in relationships. Our lack of respect for ourselves and other women is so bad that men have used it to their advantage for centuries.
No woman deserves to be cheated on-even if he tells you her is bored with her blah blah blha-if he is that type of dude then he will get bored of u too.
And another thing we deserve to be with men that aren’t just with us when their wives piss them off-so find a man of your own who loves u.
Sista if u stay and make it too easy on this man- 10 years from now there is a chance that u could feel u wated your time on a clown
OR
u cold be that one% that has one cheating incident and it never happens again
GOOD LUCK
I had this same exact conversation with my girlfriends after watching the movie “I Think I Love My Wife” with Chris Rock. At the end of the conversation, we all agreed that if a woman enters a relationship thinking that her man will never get tempted or go so far as to think about cheating, she is sadly mistaken. In this system, are we really supposed to be surprised if a partner cheats? Of course, it’s not ideal, but we must keep our eyes open.
As far as taking him/her back goes, I think it depends on the situation and the man. There are good men out there who simply lose their ever-loving minds ya’ll. Did you guys see Sex In The City? Miranda’s husband simply Lost His Damn Mind. But because of the type of man he was, I understand letting him get away with temporary insanity FOR THIS ONE TIME ONLY.
I love this site. Keep up the good work Brown Sista.
j.ac u made a great point. Steve in Sex and the City really did make a mistake and I think it was great that she took him back
But then there a brothers like Jodie in ‘Baby Boy’ and thats a hopeless situation
lol
I don’t buy into the “All Men Cheat” theory CHEATING IS A CHOICE NOT A DISEASE..I don’t even like using the term “DOG” because it alleviates men of taking responsibility for their actions..I feel that labeling a man as a dog is like saying it’s not his fault, he can’t help it because he has this “DOG DISEASE” and he just can’t help himself..A dog is an animal who acts on instinct and lacks the intellect to make choices, a man is human being who has the God given ability to make a decision..Theres nothing wrong with finding another person attractive but you have know that you can’t hop in the sack with every woman or man that turns you on physically..Some men just aren’t mature or disciplined enough to be with one woman and some men are just whores who enjoy having sex with multiple women.
Hallelujah Stef
You are right to cling to the notion of the posibility that two people can be in a happily monogamous relationship. The way I see it is that the boyfriends (and husbands) that cheat on us are nothing but the “practice”, getting us ready for our true soul mates if we let go and let God. Get your own so youwon’t have to depend on sorry asses
I don’t believe all men cheat nor once a cheater always a cheater. As a female in my younger days I cheated (not sexually) but kissing and going on dates with other guys but I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 5 yrs and never cheated on him. All this to say that guys choose to be faithful to women and maybe in this situation the girlfriend is not the one for him.
There are too many STD’s floating around to accept someone’s cheating. In the past, 40 years ago, cheating might have only hurt one’s feelings. Now having a cheating boyfriend can kill you!
“As sistas we also need to address why we continue to sleep with men we know are in relationships. Our lack of respect for ourselves and other women is so bad that men have used it to their advantage for centuries.”
Goldiluck, this is EXACTLY why I dislike generalization & collectivism. Not ALL women [In your case 'Black' women] sleep with committed men. I don’t, and I bet a lot of others don’t. Of course, some do; however, it has NOTHING to do with Black, White, Brown, Yellow, and Red. Women & men from various backgrounds choose to cheat. I resent being put in a category that has absolutly nothing to do with me & without my acknowledgement [But then again, I would have to see myself as a 'Black' person, not just HUMAN]. I CHOOSE to see people as INDIVIDUALS not as groups. Individuals make individual CHOICES that are either right/wrong. You seems to think if one person [i.e. a black woman/man] cheat, it reflects on ALL ‘Black’ men&women; therefore, all ‘Black’ men&women cheat. I disagree.
Then, you may ask, “Well…since you don’t believe in collectivism, why are you visiting this site?” lol. I would answer, “I like this site because the TOPICS are appealing, not because it’s for ‘Blacks Only’.
“At the end of the conversation, we all agreed that if a woman enters a relationship thinking that her man will never get tempted or go so far as to think about cheating, she is sadly mistaken. In this system, are we really supposed to be surprised if a partner cheats?” j.a.c.
Women/men SHOULD enter a relationship thinking his/her partner will not cheat/attempt to. Does it mean cheating does not occur in relationships? NO. It means there is trust in OURS. I expect my partner to be loyal EVENWHEN things are rocky. I expect him to COME to me & to tell me things are not working out [Keep in mind, NOT after he cheated]. If we should part ways afterward, so be it. It will hurt like a *****, but I’ll get over it…eventually lol. You bet I’ll continue to respect him & our descision, for we honored our relationship. It’s NOT a mistake for a man/woman to expect faithfulness & loyalty from his/her partner. In fact, it’s the way it SHOULD be…even in till the end.
I’ll agree with you on a man/women should know before hand what type of relationship s/he is getting into. It may be a monogomist one, or one with serial sexual partners. Hey…certain relationship are not for everyone lol. Either way, KNOW THE RULES before you enter.
To me, the belief that men can’t be committed to one woman is bogus and an excuse to make cheating okay. This is a popular belief because hey, who wouldn’t want to cheat and be consequence free? Who wouldn’t want to say, ” my body made me do it, you can’t blame me”? Well I don’t subscribe to it, and I think that we women are hurting ourselves when we do because we’re cutting ourselves short and possibly missing out on a man that God intended for us to be with.
When the Gov. Spitzer mess was on Larry King Live there were people actually defending the fact that he cheated on his wife, making him the victim and portraying him as a man who was a slave to his hormones. Whatever happened to mutual love and respect? Our society is so sex driven that it concocts any excuse it can to justify its sinful actions. The way I see is its just a sign of the times; up is down and down is up, wrong is right and right is wrong. We as humans need to have more respect for ourselves period. Like the saying goes, “The minute you settle for less than you deserved, you get even less than you settled for.”
This may surprise some of you but Women cheat too;andwhen their man finds out he is gone…….no second chances. We need to develop a backbone. Please do not use your children for an excuse to stay. I would not want my daughter to see me stay with a man who dosen’t respect me. Also, lets stop blaming the other man/woman. They have no commitment to you, and what ever their reason for being with your mate is not for you to confront. please lets blame the one who lied to us, blaming someone else will not solve the problem. Find someone else. It’s not that hard. There are still honest people in this world. For the liars, stay far from them. I had to learn that hard lessons with girlfiends too. I belive a liar, whether it’s big or small, is dangerous.
A cheater is a cheater there is no way around it. You get back what you put out. If you accept a cheater, you will most certainly get one on a constant basis. There is no exceptions to this rule. In most cases, you have a man who believes a horde of women makes him a man, and the very fact you will step on you self esteem to take him back proves his point. Give them the boot. The explanation for the bahavior can be left for the next fool.I had a friend who told me that it is the variety of the punetang that excites men. Not that they like the girl or dislike the girlfriend but it just new puntang. I believe that. I will not go through this entire self examination to see “what I did” to make him cheat.HE is responsible for his own actions.
Sorry about my spelling…I was mad…..
Ok @Smokie, but what’s the point of being in a relationship if you are not obligated to commit to that one person. How would it even get to the point of marriage if there are no boundaries? I mean i thought before u got married it’s called a courtship, u can’t date around in a courtship. U might as well be single.
I’m just trying to understand where u are coming from, no hard feelings here
I don’t want to offend anyone so please to take offense, this is just from my observation so here goes. I read above that some one felt that all men cheat. I honestly don’t believe that at all. I grew up in a house with both parents and the men in the family are pretty faithful as far as I know. But from what my eyes see a lot of women who come from homes where the father does not act as a father…feel that no man is faithful, and I can understand that. The first impression a child gets from a man is a father and being without one has a strong negative impact. I know that b/c I see the change in my nephews now that there father is not present. What happens is sometimes women wind up choosing either the wrong man; or a man just to fill the void of the absent father and when it doesn’t work out they feel no man is good. I say ask God to help you with your judgement. Sometimes we see what we want but we really need to wait on God.
I think that as women & men we enter into relationships w/ some type of trust b/c if there is no trust what’s the point of the relationship. We also step into the relationship believing that our man or woman would NEVER step out on us… b/c well that goes along w/ the whole trust factor & as I just said if u didn’t think that they would not cheat what’s the point of the relationship. But there comes a time when we ALL have to become realist & accept the fact that… people cheat. It doesn’t matter if they are a man, woman, hetrosexual, homosexual, or all the others in between. It doesn’t matter if you are the “prefect girlfriend ” or not … the simple fact is that people cheat. It doesn’t have to be a long drawn out affair, it could just be a drunken one night stand; where the person doesn’t realize what they’ve done until the morning & they’ll never do it again…. but it still remains that the person cheated.
So no, all men are not dogs. There are some great guys out there, but that doesn’t mean that they are exempt from temptation & cheating. The same thing applies to ladies out there as well. I am sure like many, I know couples that were married for years & loved & cared for each other dearly, but one or both them always had some one on the side.
As for taking back a cheating lover, I think it all depends on the circumstance. If this is the 1st time ur mate has been caught out there & they are SINCERE about their apology & that they will try to do their best & go straight, I say give them another chance. Now with that said the person that they were cheating w/ CAN’T be a bff, family member or a child, I know it’s sick, but there are prevs out there. Now if ur significant other is a constant cheater, apologies & then goes back out & does the same thing over & over…. I say drop that zero w/ a quickness. B/c that person could seriously care less about you.
When it comes to my man being faithful to me for a extended amount of time, yeah I think he could as long as he is strong enough to resists the tempatations that are thrown at him. I mean that’s what it boils down to @ the end, is are u strong enough to resists & think about how you would feel if you were the one being cheated on. However, we know that there are a lot ppl out there who aren’t strong in that department & can careless about other’s feelings. However, I would like to think & believe that my man can be faithful to me for a extended amount of time. But right now that’s the idealistic side speaking & not the realistic side, which is open to the possibilities.
I have been with a man who cheated and I took him back. But it was during a time when I really hated myself and my life. Now if my boyfriend, who I really love and has treated me way better than any other person that I have been with, cheated on me, I would be very hurt, but I would leave him. I believe that a person cheats because they want to. When they start making excuses about something is wrong with their partner, it is because something is really wrong with them. It is not fair to be with someone who will disrespect you like that and then act as if all they need to do is apologize and then it will be ok. And I agree with Liyah, we need to wait on God and trust him to make it right for us.
GREAT POINT LIYAH!
I agree women who grow up in a cheating household/family are more likely to accept infidelity in a relationship because that becomes their perception of all men..And some women are so psychologically confused they become drawn to men who cheat or abuse them.
When it all comes down you really can’t say unless it’s happened to you or you’ve been the cheater. We all know that ppl aren’t perfect and we make mistakes. It’s just hard to cope with those mistakes when the ppl that you hold in high regard are the ones that hurt you the most. In this world finding love and companionship is scarce. I’m not talking about casual sex or the ppl you date on and off. I’m talking about true intimacy and ppl who you genuinely care about in. So when you establish a relationship with that person thatyou put your all into, it’s painful to be betrayed.
I think that there are several types of cheaters: Those that knowingly cheat because they don’t want to be in a commited relationship and like the fun and attention of juggling several ppl around. Then there are those that cheat not with malicious intent but just slip up and get caught in the moment and feel remorseful afterwards. And then there are those that cheat because they’ve become complacent and bored in a monotonous relationship. They seek the attention and excitment of something new from an outsider but still love their mate and security in their relationship. Overall, there’s different circumstances.
Yes, all types of ppl cheat but often women are more content in stable relationships. And men are unfortunately allowed an excuse to cheat because society has deemed it to be somewhat okay. So what can you do? I feel that through all the hurt and pain if you can forgive and let God repay you for your heatache; then you should stay in the relationship. But onnly if that other person seems sincere! It will take time and effort from the cheater to rebuild trust, but you will get through it and hopefully become stronger than ever. But if you knowingly take back a cheater that is a repeat offender and gives empty apologies then you’re only hurting yourself. You aren’t doing the child that you have together a favor, your family, or your spirit. I like the saying ” Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me.” Now if you get to ‘Fool me 7 times” then you are a fool with low self esteem.
In essence no one can truly give another advice as to whether they should stay in a cheating relationship or not. Everyone’s circumstances are different. Sometimes you have to shut out everyone’s opinions, evaluate the situation, think about your spirit, and just listen to your heart. Your gut instinct is usually always right.
angelkist6, I enjoyed reading your post.
I feel so sorry that your friend doesn’t know her worth. I just actually lost a friend because of this. It’s really irritating for me to see our women allowing men to treat us every way but the right way. She shouldn’t think all men cheat because they all don’t. Now he may have not admitted that she’s not fulfilling him sexually because she may fulfill him in other areas that the freaks don’t. I hope she reads these comments and get some self esteem because she’s seriously lacking it.
I’ve never been in such a situation, so I can’t say. If I found someone that seemed to be just right, and everything was going well, I don’t know if I’d just leave if he cheated. Knowing my own personality, and being honest with myself, I’d probably have to let my anger build before I’d blow up emotionally and leave. I’d be much more likely to ignore it until then, or perhaps do some cheating of my own. I don’t think I’m the “Whose number is this?! Right Now!” Kind of lady. I’m more of the “A lot of people have been calling you lately…” kind of lady.
I just got into a relationship with a friend….who was a playa….at first before we made it official I was like for sure he will cheat on me…..but i trust him alot more now and I beleive right now he is faithful…..If you take a cheating man back or not….depends on you after all you are the one in the relationship not the world. I can’t say if I would or if i wouldn’t it depends on the severity of the situation and how we feel about one another….sometimes you can hold on and he can change and sometimes it is a lost cause…you just have to use your best judgement.
The points that have been made on this post have been very engaging; particulary anglekist6. She pretty much hit it on the nail. All I know is that cheating hurts; and its really not worth the heartache it causes. Sometimes it can be very hard to believe; particulary when you’re married; that someone can be with one person for the rest of their lives. It does seem unrealistic; and unfathomable. Particularly with the pool of available black men.
Overall I enjoyed reading everyone’s comments. Click on my name to answer the question of the day.
MRSJONES3 said,
June 27, 2008 at1:55 pm 10 hours, 37 minutes after
Ok @Smokie, but what’s the point of being in a relationship if you are not obligated to commit to that one person. How would it even get to the point of marriage if there are no boundaries? I mean i thought before u got married it’s called a courtship, u can’t date around in a courtship. U might as well be single.
I’m just trying to understand where u are coming from, no hard feelings here
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I guess I am essentially saying that when you are girlfriend and boyfriend you can hope for monogamy, but don’t slit the man’s tires if he cheats — you don’t have the right and you should keep this in mind while you are dating. Don’t get so wrapped up in a long-term unmarried relationship that you start fooling yourself like you are really his wife (”marriage aint nothing but a piece of paper”). Don’t lose sight of the REALITY of your relationship and take for granted that your man of 5 years feels the same obligation to you that he would if you were his wife. He doesn’t. The reality of the situation is you are someone’s girlfriend of 5 years and he has not decided to lock you down for a reason. Maybe he doesn’t want to cheat on his wife but he doesn’t feel bad about cheating on his girlfriend.
Of course, you should expect more when you’re engaged and you should expect it ALL when you are married. But before that, keep your head in a place of reality and know that fornication (which I definitely participated in) doesn’t allow God to cover your relationship. You’re taking a chance that you will both be faithful. Maybe you will; maybe you won’t. But you can’t get too mad if he cheats. You should MOVE ON if he cheats but just know in the back of your mind, “we weren’t married anyway.” Then, that allows you to move on and meet a man who just may be faithful while you are dating, engaged, and later married. I know God made men like this and to believe anything different is a lie perpetrated by men who have met one too many naïve woman.
And let’s be real: it takes a commitment to GOD – not a woman – for most men to be faithful. When a man wants to secure a woman’s faithfulness he asks her to marry him. He wants the right to expect her to be true to him. Until THAT moment, he may feel, ultimately, like a single man. Technically, he IS single. This is the point I want us, as women, to never lose sight of. A boyfriend may even be faithful, but if he ever decides to get some on the side he has a way to rationalize that it’s ok: “We aint married.” And any woman who wants to “cheat” can rationalize in the same manner.
Note: My response is really for ppl who believe in God. Aethists have their own set of rules …..
Honestly I would say Hell No! cuz once a cheat always a cheat BUT another side of me the rational side says maybe if u really really work on it and most likely would need counsling-I am 28 and dated a man off and on for 8yrs and was there for him through his incarceration etc- long store short i moved to another state and he came to live w me about amonth into it he was going to visit his kids and family who he hadnt seen in years-He lost self control and cheated on me BUT told me..I could had accepted that he was weak and cheated BUt i could not accept the lies and the sneakyness and I was truely hurt and didnt have time wondering what I did wrong and dealing w baby mama dram and I MEAN DRAMA! I do miss him very much to this day but I love myself too much to get hurt over and over..so again I honestly dont know…
@Smokie
What you said is soooo true. If 2 ppl have dated for several years & never married & one steps out on the other.. you can’t be too upset b/c well… you are both still single. Very good point.
My initial feeling as I read the post about your friend, was “Wow, what a friend?” I said to myself I know if a friend of mine was in this situation and at the mercy of an undeserving, unappreciative, dirty man, with whom she is not married to, I would grab my friend up and tell her straight up, this is not right! However, after I read it again and thought about many of the sisterfriends I have, I know that to tell a female to do something other than what she may have her heart and soul set on would be incrediably hard to do. I know that when this was me in this situation, I was under the impression that all was well with what I was going through, because no one ever said anything… I learned and had to see for myself that this is not what love is, and there are more men in this world…
But I am still baffled as to why we as WOMEN can’t pull together and help each other when it deems necessary, instead we will allow our friends to fall hard because we have failed to get involved. I wish your friend well and hope she learns from this. This will only make her a stronger woman. I also hope someone will pull her card and tell her that she can do so much better, if she has to do it alone for a while.
Starr
I don’t expect men to cheat. All men have the ability to say “no”, just like women have the same ability. For me, cheating or putting your hands on me is the ultimate deal breaker. I could not be with someone after they cheated on me. That stays with you, believe me your friend would not be able to “deal with it” just because she feels men cheat. She will always be thinking about the fact that he cheated. And why put yourself through that hell. I hope that your friends is able to find peace and realize that she is better and deserves better.
ALL man cheat period!I do believe that cheating man LOVES their partner , but we live in a sexism society where you can get sex from any girl as young as the age 12. When men see a girl with a booty they lose control. I never understood why men are so obsessed with skin. If she take him back hE will cheat more becuause he knows he haS that cushion there with her . As of today America’s divorce rate is 47% and serperation rate is 65% , so that sums up the “family value and women apprecation ” IN the US.!!!
WOW! I feel like God had me read this today. I was with a guy for 5 years when I found out he was cheating for the last 2 of those years. The day I took him back was 8 months later and when he took me down town to marry him. We will be married 2 years in August 2008. One reason I took him back was because he showed me he was ready to make the commitment to me. It’s like what Madea said the man is cheating when you think he is cheating. I knew what he was doing for those 2 years I just didn’t want to believe it to keep up appearances. I also did my own dirt so I felt like a hypocrite. During these past 2 years since we’ve been married my heart does not feel as though my husband has done me wrong. Personally I think it depends on the situation.
I think if a man cheated on his wife/girlfriend and she decided to stay with him neither can truly overcome this challenge without the Power of God. It will take that man to truly turn to God for forgiveness and strength to overcome his own weakness and resist future temptation. Otherwise, the woman will experience the same pain again. Just to throw this in, if the roles were reverse, I think the man will have a much harder time taking back a woman that has cheated on him. I think he will lose repect for her. Also I seen another topic similiar to this one at
I think my fear would be the revenge factor!
And all men do not cheat. I have been with my lady for several years and have not went outside of the relationship. I believe that the majority of all men are tempted (because men are attracted to the physical aspect of a woman which is natural) but all do not give in. For me it would be hard to cheat because I know that my woman is good, irreplaceable and she is not worth losing for a few minutes of vain pleasure.
i myself have never been cheated on but i have been in the situation where im talking to a guy and were basically in a relationship im just waiting for him to make it officaial cuz i like him and i know he likes me but he flirts with other girls when im not around or atleast when he thinks im not around which is stupid because be go to the same high school. when he asked me to be offical finally i was happy but to my surprise i said no beacuse i thought to myself before he could even form a boyfriend girlfriend relationship he was already showing signs of cheating. I hate to say that all men are cheaters BUT i think that if most men got the chance to they probably would. BUT THERE ARE SOME GOOD ONES OUT THERE!! I STILL HAVE HOPE..LOL
Cheating is a choice…we give men too much credit and leeway over this issue. Men will kill a brother who cheats on his mother, sister and daughter. If you notice, men have high standards when it comes to us but we as women will lower our standards. If I can’t cheat on him neither can he cheat on me.
For me it would be hard to cheat because I know that my woman is good, irreplaceable and she is not worth losing for a few minutes of vain pleasure.
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@ LAKERS24,
SPOKEN LIKE A REAL MAN! AT LEAST YOU’RE SMART & MATURE ENOUGH TO RECONISE MEANINGLESS SEX IS NOT WORTH LOSING YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Interesting comments. I’m disheartened by a couple of them, however.
All men don’t cheat. Just as all women don’t cheat. That’s such a blanket generalization. I have no statistics and I can’t cite my info, but I’m pretty sure that’s WRONG. LOL!
I’ve been cheated on, as a newly dating teenager. It hurt, sure. I knew the guy that I was dating at the time was notorious for cheating, but at 15-16, the “cuteness” got to me. Silly girl!
I’m disheartened because there are wonderful men out there–not all guys are dishonest. Wonderful, strong, intelligent, generous, funny, gorgeous, milk-chocolatey, successful, and very loyal… that describes my husband. I’d challenge ANYONE who tells me that he would disrespect me, our relationship, our children, and himself by stepping outside of our marriage. I have that much faith in him. He’s a very honorable guy. He’s also a smart guy. He knows that he’d jeopardize his family (me and our two boys) and everything we’ve built. We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 8. High school sweethearts.
Now, some may think I’m foolish and I better keep my eyes open. Well, newsflash!!!! My eyes ARE open. I know that he’s married and not dead–there are some BEAUTIFUL women out there to look at and I’d be really jerky to tell him to shut his eyes and not look. I look at guys all the time–he knows I can spot a hottie 10 miles away! LOL! But, we trust each other and we both know that’s as far as it’s going to go. We keep the lines of communication open and we make each other a priority, outside the kids. We keep it together, people! We have to. We’re both from broken homes–divorced, arguing parents (whom we love dearly, but still…). We won’t do that to our kids and thankfully, we don’t have a reason to.
Whoever said trust is on the front lines, is absolutely right. Trust, respect, and adoration–FOR THE WIN!
Black love is marvelous, especially when not manhandled and destroyed. :o)
Maglet, that was beautiful and a fair representation of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, too many women don’t even know the definition of a healthy relationship, so they settle and even STRIVE for the unhealthy ones.
As a newlywed in a healthy marriage with a good, fine man (lol), I pray that in 8 years I can write what you just wrote!
Women you must understand, men have sex for recreation, unlike women who have sex for reasons other than recreation. Sex for women is sacred and personal. Sex for men is mechanical in order to enjoy the act itself. Women can mate for life. Men cannot mate for life with one woman. He must have variety. Men are constantly on the hunt for that next fling. Marriage makes no difference to him. You can be the perfect wife/girlfriend but that will not stop him from engaging in the hunt/conquest.
My high school sweetheart remained that for the four years that I attended high school. He cheated on me every chance he got, he told me I was perfect that it never was me. On a day to day basis our relationship was perfect. When I graduated I let him go and moved away. He later got saved and was a tongue talking Christian, he lived on the west coast I lived in Texas. He hired a private investigator to find me. He found me and told me he wanted to be with me and I was always the one but he was too stupid to realize. We got back together, 8 mths later he cheated.
I don’t know about once a cheater, always a cheater. But in that particular situation it rang to be true.
@Ro,
I have to say that I disagree with your initial comment about people who cheat in the place that they sleep in. You said that it will never work. I am a living example that it does. Case in point, my husband, a couple of years ago cheated on me in our apartment. Yes, I was hurt, angry, and I felt betrayed. But guess what? We got through it. My husband was sincerely regretful and sorry. ( And believe me ya’ll after knowing this man for ten years, I can detect bulls*** when I see it.) Today my husband is the most loving, attentive, faithful, and ideal man on this planet. We are stronger than we were before his indiscretion. So, again, I disagree. Sometimes when a person makes a mistake, that one time is all they needed to wake up and get it together.
-Mikela