Forum Topic Of The Day 6.3.2008

Today’s forum topic of the day is a pretty heavy one, but as many of you know sometimes we here at Brown Sista step outside of the celebrity gossip box to talk about issues that affect Black women and this is one of those issues. Below is a topic I posted sometime ago on our official forum, The Cocoa Lounge, and with the R. kelly trial going on it has been on my mind again.

The Sexual Abuse Of Black Women

Some years back the topic of sexual abuse was brought to the forefront and surprisingly quite a number of sistas here admitted to having been abused as children. I bring this subject up again as I plan to tackle it on a future show and I want the input of the women here.

I wish to know how many of you here were sexually abused, by who, and what… if any scars do you feel the experience left you with?

108 Comments

  1. I read some of the stories left on the forum and I can say is DAMN, JUST DAMN. I had to stop reading that. I don’t even know what to say to some of those stories.

    🙁

  2. This is real heavy but it needs to be addressed. I have been lucky enough not to have gone through anything like that.

    I know some people who have and the scars it leaves are very painful.

    Thanks for bringign this up, we do need to address this.

    Im surprised that the comments section is still so empty-is that an indication that our people are still to hurt and scared to talk about this?

  3. I am blessed because I have never had to go through this. It seems like I’m hearing more of this on the news as of late. It saddens me deeply that someone would rob a child of their innocence. The mere thought of this brings tears to my eyes. I can only pray that the child will heal from the emotional and physical damage. I also pray for the sistas (and brothas!) that have experienced this.

  4. I’ve never gone through that but as i’ve gotten older I’ve met so many sisters who have that I’ve become angry. I can’t even type what I think should happen to people who do that to a child.

  5. I have not been through it either. But i know my step-grandfather was trying to do with with my mother but my mother fought him off of her. But she told me that he had sleep with his own daughters. Im was so disgusted because how in the hell you can sleep with your own children. Thank god my mother had a different father but it still do not give no right what this man did to my aunts. But with them it seem like it ok it like nothing did not happen between them. They treat him like a king i be looking like damn i wish he would he be 6 feet under messing with me or my daughter. When we have cookout with the family he over there i be wanting to ask him why. But he have to face god and explain why. So i just put it in gods hand when it comes to people like that. That why i told my daughter if anyone touch you and they claim they going to kill her and me she better tell me, because he going to be whole world of trouble after i get my hands on him.

  6. WOW! This is a subject that I don’t think I would have the guts to admit too even if I did get abused. Those who are not afraid to share such situations… I look at you as being some of the strongest people I may have come across. I too have been blessed with a single parent mother who, when she was young was almost sexually abused by my grandmothers boyfriend… well one of them. Through God, my mother had one of her older sisters (who is two years old than her) protect her from this man. My mother was ten, and my aunt was 12, and my mother said my aunt beat the s*** out that man like she was grown. And no one has ever come near to messing with my mother or my aunt again. Those two women are my idols and the strongest women I know. They have had a harsh life growing up… therefore promising themselves that if they ever had children, they would give them the world. Thank God I have them. Besides that, when I was growing up… I never understood why my mother wouldn’t let me go to sleep overs and things like that. Now I know and understand. Sometimes kids aren’t sexually abused by family members, but by friends of the family and what not.

  7. @Toy u bring up a good point my mother would not let me spend the nite at anyone place either.

  8. Thank God I have never been molested, but I have been grabbed. When I used to club (before God convicted me about going clubbin) some guy grabbed my front THOROUGLY! and it was a bunch of guys so I didn’t know who did it…so I cursed @ them. Let me tell you, even though it seems like a minor thing…it effected me enough to the point where I didn’t want ANY guy to touch me anywhere without my permission. Even who ever I was dating @ the time.

  9. I cosign with the above posters, I’m greatful that I’ve never experienced sexual abuse but it’s all around us…Some of our young ladies that are over sexual and permiscous are victims of sexual abuse but they’re written off as b*tches and ho’s…Let’s take Superhead for example, even though she’s heavily critizied for her life style you have to look at her background to understand how she became the way she is…In her first book she spoke about how being raped and abuse led to stripping, sleeping around, drugs and a life headed toward destruction.

    Unfortunately the general public isn’t always trained to reconize the signs of sexual abuse, and often because of abused womens sexual confussion and need to be loved they’re sometimes taken advantage of by no good ignorant men and abused men often become abusers or sexually confused.

    I’ve always questioned whether R kelly was abused as a child or what led to him being the sexual deviant he is today..Underneath the superstar he is truly a sick man.

  10. I agree stef. Some of the promiscuous women I know have admitted to being molested, it’s truly sad. I remember a long time ago before R. Kelly got exposed, I remember saying to my mother, “All this man sings about is Sex, Sex, Sex…..I wonder if he is ok” I kid you not those were my words and about 4 years later we found at what he’d been up to. Either he was molested or he just has an unhealty desire to take the innocence of youths.

  11. Whatever.

    Why should some of you be able to sit in on a subject like this and play psychiatrist (which I know some of you are) and provide psycho-therapy or some words of encouragement as if you really care, when in the previous forums these people didn’t mean sh*t to you. You didn’t try to know/understand them then, so why try to now? Oh, because they’re tellling you of something horrible that happened to them when they were children and now you have a soft spot in your heart called “pity”. Please, spare me!

    Stephanie, I commend you for wanting to address/confront this sensitive subject and issue with women (and men) who’s has undergone the tragedy of child abuse; but on the contrary, I think that this forum is an insult and crock of bullsh*t to those who have experience child abuse because some of you people aren’t even worthy of one confessing to you about their childhood pains and suffering. You have done nothing but displayed lack of respect, understanding, humanity and tack for others in your previous comments. You are the very same person who degrades, criticizes, judge, ridicule and call yourself “checking” other commentators when they’ve done nothing but voice an OPINION about a d@mn celebrity, at least. You immediately assume that certain comments are intended to attack without even taking the time to KNOW or CARE about the intent behind the commentator’s comments. Some of you have made claims that this is just website is just entertainment and that we shouldn’t have to talk about serious matters on here, well let’s keep it that way then because with your e-attitudes no one should want to open up to a bunch of ignorant and judgmentalpeople yet alone a “gossip” website. But, I’m sure there will be some who will take advantage of this forum as a tool to vent about their past, but looking at the responses so far don’t think there will be many cause in the next topic about Beyonce and I’ll say that she’s “over rated” and I’m tired of her and you respond would be that I’m an ugly, black ***** or the subject of Jhuds breast come up and I say they are “over exposed” or “too big” and you say that I’m insecure and that I need to eat more. I probably am insecure because John Doe kept raping me every night while my mom was asleep and over time I have become INSECURE over my body. The only good thing I see coming out of this forum is that people will be more AWARE and CONSCIOUS of this heinous crime which could then make them more receptive/proactive. Or maybe folks will get on their knees and pray more to God thanking him for not allowing this to happen to them. But in the mean time, I think we should just stick to gossiping about celebs and talking about other mediocre b.s. before we start opening up people closets about “child abuse” and bones fall out on your head because some of you ain’t even right. Here’s a forum for you, let’s see why people are so nasty, cruel and disrespectful to each other on these forums and then maybe you’ll really get to the root of the problem – your problem – not theirs!

    And if you haven’t figured it out, I’m a victim of abuse, I’m mad, angry and then some…but you’ll never know the extent of my pains or the details because I don’t trust you!!! If there’s anyway that I can be of service to someone through testimony it won’t be on here, it’ll be in/at a place where people were supportive/good to each other from the start.

    Sorry to those who tended to confess, but this is just my plea.

  12. And look at you people on here, trying to explain these peoples experiences through studies and social scienitific reasoning. Fake, fake, fake. The only ones who can really identify is those who either experienced it or was their with/for someone who experienced it. The rest of you should just shut up and read.

  13. @Lady and Toy

    I come from a Southern mother and we know that secrets are very important in Southern households so although this kind of problem was alluded to, nobody has ever talked about it. I’m thinking now though that perhaps this is why my parents never let me stay overnight with any friends. Not once in my life was I permitted to sleepover and my mother always watched men like a hawk around me.

    As for the R. Kelly issue which is little different (though not much), I recently began thinking about an older man (he was 27) who was always around me when I was 13. His name is Tony. He paid me way more attention than made sense to me. He was too touchy-feely and friendly. He offered me rides home on a lot of occassions but I was trained not to get into anyone’s car. The odd thing about it is that because he was popular and handsome I never looked at him as a possible threat or pervert back then. In retrospect, I hover over my children like a hawk now.

    It wasn’t until I got older that I realized his behavior was really, very inappropriate. Why would a 27 year old man constantly be around girls aged 13 and 14? Why did his playfullness always involve touching and hugging? When the R.Kelly case came out, I had a sick feeling in my stomach because Tony made more sense then. I think the only thing that saved me was that my mother and father were like hawks. I was never out alone enough for anything to happen. I recall my father’s car pulling up on one of the days Tony asked to give me a ride home from school and to go get “ice cream”. I kid you not, that man actually said “ice cream” like I was 5 years old. It was odd to me then and its just creepy now.

    I am not sure that I would have been smart enough to avoid being victimized and so I feel a lot of empathy and pain for the young girls in that case…they really aren’t mentally able to understand what’s going on. I know I wasn’t. I just thought “he is strange…he is ‘nice’…I guess he likes me…I don’t know why….”

    Men like that have issues and again, I am not going to say what should happen to them because it would only come out as a threat.

  14. @ UNKNOWN,

    Nobody in here is pretending to be a Psychiatrist or Psychologist, this forum is designed for discussion and that’s all were doing is simply having a discussion…I’m sorry for your abuse and noobdy can truly understand another persons pain but you can’t stop other people from having an opinion, the last time I checked R Kelly’s trial is being made public and it’s all in the national news so people are going to talk about it whether you like it or not…Although you do make some good points some of what you’re saying makes no sense.

    You really need to calm down, good grief.

  15. Ummmm UNKNOWN, I agree to a certain extent with what you said… BUT WE ARE NOT FORCING ANYONE TO SAY WHAT THEY DON’T WANT TO SAY! A question is asked, and it’s someones decision to respond if they would like about the situation. I do agree that people shouldn’t take the “psycho-therapy” role play in this situation, but some people actually do care about those who have been abused. I can say I haven’t been abused in such a way, but I have TONS of friends who have that feel like they can open up to me about such situations. As for you… I am sorry you went through what you went through… but don’t down talk people because we’ve said they we haven’t been abused like that. WE AREN’T DOWN TALKING YOU! If it’s a situation that you don’t want to talk about, THEN S***, DON’T TALK ABOUT IT! You don’t see as any less or as more than what we are. THINK ABOUT THAT!

  16. @Unknown

    Actually sis, I think you have every right to be angry and that people who care about you should acknowledge that right.

    I also understand that a lot of times negativity directed outwards is a result of having heard those same things directed at you as a child. It isn’t right, it isn’t fair and it isn’t the child’s fault.

    We can blame the men all we want–but sisters have got to do better about protecting our children. We can’t just have a man around for the sake of having him around.

    I have a girlfriend whose mother allowed her and all of her siblings (sisters and two brothers) to be molested by their stepfather and their uncle. I can’t even wrap my mind around it. How can that be done by a mother? My friend has a lot of emotional problems because of it and I just try to understand. Sometimes when its very toxic I have to get space, but I know its not her fault.

    Anyway Unknown…you have a right to be furious. None of us can fix it and I don’t think anybody is trying to tell you anything beyond expressing the fact that we feel helpless to address it and we feel angry that its happening.

  17. * I meant to say WE DON’T SEE YOU AS LESS THAN US OR ABOVE US. We;re equal regardless!

  18. Steph and Toy, you’re comments is exactly why there won’t be any confessions on here. “Calm down” and “Shit, don’t dont talk about it” are the last things that a wounded soul or victim of child abuse needs to hear. Based off those comments alone, you can’t even handle this topic. You ain’t ready. The both of you (and anybody else who plans to respond like you) would just be better off commenting by saying “I’m sorry”. Cause you haven’t even touch a nerve, you haven’t made me think about anything, nor have you proven to me that you are truly “sorry”. There’s a many of people who are still raged about what happened to them and I’ve just gave you a glimpse of that, but you can only view what I said through “common sense” that’s why your responses was so empty. You couldn’t even see past what I was I was saying because you’re too busy concerned about being insulted by my comment. Don’t tell me to calm down and dont tell me to not talk about it because part of this “sexual abuse” topics comes along with people reminiscing over their past and it won’t always be presented to you in a warm, kind a friendly way. Are you serious? Just leave it alone you two.

    And where the hell did the idea of me thinking I was any less than you or better than you come from. And that we are all equal. This ain’t no topic on racism. Save the Martin Luther King speech for somebody else.

    About the only person who came close to understanding what I was saying was Nef. Toy and Steph, you two are just “knock offs” as far as I’m concerned. I’m open to hearing what the rest of you have to say, if you care/dare to. “Good grief” that!

  19. I just read the posts in the forum and I feel like a shadow is covering me now. I can never be a judge–I think the molestors should get the death penalty. They have murdered a part of a child.

    The women who are dealing with childhood sexual abuse–you have got to be the strongest women on the planet. The simple fact that you are still maintaining and holding down jobs, families and lives is absolutely amazing. You are as close to the divine as I have ever seen a person–because you survived a form of death–and you didn’t die.

    Reading the posts made me remember things I’d rather not remember. I wasn’t even counting aquaintance rape when I read it. I guess that’s because women who are raped by acquaintances always feel like it’s somehow our fault. My habit of wearing long skirts so everything is covered came/comes partially from that. I thought in my mind when I was very young that if I could just cover up everything that “made” men look at me that way–then they wouldnt look at me that way and so I would be safe. I suppose it is still a part of my mentality because I still dress that way even though I’m a little more free in my mentality than I was back then.

  20. Unknown….not all of what you said is true. No, I haven’t actually been molested but I have a few friends who were and I know it effects their marriage, relationship with men and even with everyday people. They used to do things and act certain ways and I couldn’t understand why or how! But I know now that certain ways are evidence of abuse…things that you wouldn’t associate with some one whose been abused. Just b/c we talk about celebs does not mean we don’t care about other issues, if you look up admit it day in February on this website you will see there are a lot of people who have gone through what you’ve gone through. That topic was groundbreaking. FYI – ever since my friends exposed me to how molestation has effected their lives, I think I have been more sympathetic to victims of abuse than I ever was before.

  21. @Unknown,

    You taught me something today. Because reading what you said made me understand something about my other posts (in other topics) that I had not even realized.

    Everybody on here is just a person–and even when we are writing about something as frivolous as Beyonce or J-huds breasts–we still have all of our experiences. I was being an airhead to a large extent because I didn’t even factor in that pain can cause a person to see things through the filter of pain.

    I wish I could make the pain stop sis. I really do. But I realize I cant–none of us can. That helplessness sometimes makes people say less than wise things.

    I think God–in whatever form you perceive the creator–is the only entity that can help. I hope so at least because it is so unjust.

    But if I jumped on you in any other post for something you said, I sincerely apologize because I never even considered that you aren’t a name on a screen–you are a real person and you have real experiences that contribute to what you see.
    I was wrong not to consider that. It just didn’t occur to me to consider it so thank you for pointing it out.

  22. And Stef and Toy, word to the wise…never fight fire with fire. If you intend to reach for those in pain or comfort them, then I suggest you kill the “offensive” approach. Just try to read between the lines a bit more and you’ll see that the anger is not projected to you my dears….it’s acutally projected to the victim. These type of discussions can get pretty darn heavy. And trust, I know. I would hope that the moderator of this discussion kept this in mind as they asked this, now here it is.

    However, I, too, along with many other victims can be very civilized, but I’ve seen time/time again where people play the sympathy role as if they are there to listen and care, and when you really give it to them the way that it was given to you…the pain, anger, hurt, ashame, etc…they always do just what you did…miss the point!!!

  23. I recall that I have had four men who were close friends “best friends” in my life and that one by one they all revealed that they had been sexual with a much older, female, babysitter or relative. Every single one of them were confused about it and weren’t sure whether they had been molested or whether they should feel like it was a conquest…

    Not a single one of them was older than 9 years old when it happened.

    I don’t let men OR women around my sons. They don’t sleepover, they don’t leave our yard they don’t go into other people’s houses. I hate to shelter them that badly but if someone hurt them I would go straight to prison. It is wrong no matter whether its a boy or a girl.

  24. First and foremost UNKNOWN, I said I agreed with you TO A CERTAIN EXTENT. There is absolutely NOTHING that I or anyone else responding can do, but say SORRY. At least we are saying that! No, we can not take back the pain and we can not change the past BUT you can’t come on here blaming us for something YOUR MISUNDERSTANDING FROM US! I’m not saying I understand your pain. BECAUSE I DON’T! But seriously, how are you going to say that we shouldn’t be talking about this topic AND THEN get offended because I said if you don’t feel like it’s a situation that you shouldn’t talk about then don’t talk about it. You either want to talk about it, or you don’t! Don’t tell me what I can and can’t handle sweetheart. Obviously your the one who can’t really handle this topic. You can be mad at the world baby, but is down talking those who responded to this topic in a caring matter going to make you feel like a better person. I understand that you are a person just like me… But you are not going to down talk me as if I came on here and started s*** talking people who get abused. I don’t know you personally, so I can’t say there is something that I can do to change whatever it is you went through. But I won’t kiss someone’s a** if they feel like thier abuse is an excuse to treat other people like they have never been through any other abuse. This topic was a decent topic that should be brought to the attention of people who don’t see past the hurt of those who get offended! Why do you feel like you have the right to come on here and say I AM THIS, AND I AM THAT, AND THIS IS WHAT WAS DONE TO ME… !! No one got “angry” until you said what you had to say. We responded to that like anyone else would. You act like we’re beating you into the ground about this topic and we are not. Just because we don’t AGREE with everything you have to say doesn’t mean we’re against you. I think your negative attitude is unreasonable and YES I WILL GET OFFENEDED BY IT if you’re going to talk to me like you ain’t got no sense. I have a friend sitting right here next to disagreeing with your comments and the way you are acting! And guess what sweetheart! SHE HAS BEEN ABUSED OVER AND BEYOND! But she’s fought her pain! NO IT WON’T GO AWAY AND SHE SAYS IT NEVER WILL BUT AT LEAST SHE DOESN’T TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU DO!

  25. And keep that word for the wise stuff for someone else UNKNOWN, you aren’t the only person going through this. So please! Don’t tell someone to kill the offensive approach when that’s exactly what your doing! Getting offensive! And I understand the READ BETWEEN THE LINES A LITTLE BIT MORE! Yes that’s understanable, but somethings you need to watch what you say or YES people will get offended. Just how you can’t read between the lines and think that everyone is joking about this matter when we are not. A response is a response, so when you get offended, so will other people and then it causes a argument that could have been prevented!

  26. @unknown im sorry for what happen to you. If you eva want to talk we can talk. It seem like you do not have nobody that do not understand you as far as people around you. So you come here and share your problems. I give you that much credit to vent and say what you feel. I tip my hat to you. There not much i can say but im here to listen if you want to talk off here. Im here for anyone that have a problem because we all black women and we need to stick together regardless how we live and what action we take. Unknown keep your head up baby.

  27. @Toy

    Sis…I think Unknown is just expressing her pain in the way she experiences it…that doesn’t mean your friend beside you is wrong and it doesn’t mean she is right…it just mean they are experiencing the pain differently.

    Think about this…imagine that you are a survivor of abuse…and then you read people who first say they haven’t been molested and then they talk about some of the acting out behaviors of people who have. It would probably make you feel like people who don’t know your pain–are sitting in judgment of you. You would probably feel like all of your secret pain has been put under a microscope and you didnt give anyone permission to examine you in that way. It would make me angry too….it might also make you angry.

  28. @Toy
    #1 Tell your friend I said “Hi and I hope she is has healed from the pain”.

    #2 I can see why I would come on here hostile because I am a victime, but why are you getting so upset is what’s really mind boggling. If what I said made you so upset to the point where you think it’s “personal”, then why don’t you just ignore me. If I’m so negative and the way that I’m coming off about this here thing is making your blood pressure rush, then just ignore me sweety. I don’t want you to miss the point of this discussion by focusing in on me and what I have to say anymore because I’ve said what I had to say and I know I got some people thinking…and apparently, you too. Your dear love and concern for your friend and those who khave been abused does not need to be emphasized or proven to me. Hey, I’m just an “unknown” right now basically, right. It’s all about the topic of ‘sexual abuse’ and getting down to the core of the matter as to how we can deal with it, right? Isn’t or wasn’t that your objective? Cause it seems that you have gotten off course here. You have allowed me ruffle some feathers and the one thing you shouldn’t do is let someone knock you off your square. But I guess its too late for that part, huh?

    Anyway, I can see that we gotten off to a bad start here. Why don’t I say “thank you for saying that you are sorry for what I’ve experienced” and you can now resume back to extending your words of encouragement to the next “victims”. Fair?

  29. I went through abuse as a kid. I was not sexually abused but I was touched and had things said to me that was extremely inappropriate for a little girl to be hearing. I think that is why alot of black women are so angry and make the choices we make in relationship. We have to stop thinking that there is something wrong with counseling because it severly helped me

  30. @Toy
    Tsk, tsk…After re-reading your last post, I’m almost incline to ask if you are okay and if there’s anything that I could do to help you “heal” the pain. No sarcasm.

    But I tell you, I don’t know about your dear friend sitting next to you, but I’ve been to a many of group therapy, counseling, spiritual advising, etc….and sometimes it just seems like it’s never enough, you know. Like, all the caring and concern in the world could never help “victims” push past the “acts” that was performed against them. Toy, I’m sorry if I’ve upsetted you, but you truly should stop yelling back at me as if we’re discussing the election of Obama or McClain. We are talking peoples feeling here, and as far as I’m concerned you’re not doing a good job of helping. You are really getting upset, sweetie. I know I’m the blame, but would it also occur to you that all this typing and venting I’m doing actually IS therapy.

    Can you just bare that for a minute. How’s your friend doing, can I speak with her? Can she get in on this topic since she and I are both victims? I want to know how she’s handling it, cause I don’t think I can get anywhere with you right now….you sound upset.

  31. @ Unknown

    You have made some very valid points. I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for sharing and making people think about the consequences of their words.

  32. @Lady
    How sweet of you. Really. That was dear of you to say and it also sound very sincere.

    @Nef
    That was a great analysis. And I truly applaud you for that. See, sometimes it just take a little bit of patience and a bit more reasoning, and you’ll be surprised at what you can see when you thought you didn’t see it before.

  33. @Bria,
    I bet that was a very scary moment for you, wasn’t it? Just that touch alone and those words said made you feel horrible. I’m glad it didn’t go any further than. Can you imagine feeling more than horrible? How about feeling nothing at all, after it’s all said and DONE?

  34. @Bria
    You are right. Counseling can be very helpful. Victims should take advantage of it. Even if they don’t feel completely healed after, it’s better than what you were feeling before.

  35. @ unknown Im here anytime you want to talk when it comes to thing like that i do not want to judge because the only one can is the man upstairs. Im open minded person i like to listen then i give you my input. Your words can inspires other to talk about it that never had talk about it. I know you was going off but that good because you let it go regardless how it came out and you see that people reacting and feeling where you coming from.

  36. It happened to me. A relative. For a very long time I was angry and bitter @ him, my mom, his mom, the world….. I dealt with it by doing the classic things, promiscuity, rebellion – you name it, I did it…..but, I’m better now……..

  37. I was sexually abused by 2 neighbors and an uncle in law. I have never recovered and sought drugs and other outrageous behaviors to cope. I am still not able to deal with life. I usually do what I have to, but in my world, I am someone else and live in a fantasy life most of the time. I don’t think I want to change because everyone thinks that just because I am a teacher and I have Doctorate degree, that I am ok. But I have not been ok since I was six years old. Thanks for letting me voice my feelings.

  38. Ok, ok, ok… whoa, whoa, whoa!
    Ha! I just have to vent out that please don’t come at Toy like that. My name is Samone and I am the friend who was sitting next to her reading all of your comments! WOW, so much to say!

    First and foremost, I am 22 years old. I’ve been abused since I can remember, up until the age of 17. Now, I won’t go into any details, BUT I will tell you that before I meet Toy, I thought that what happened to me from my father, my uncles, my brothers, and my aunts… that all that was suppose to happen. I didn’t know what was considered to be “right or wrong.”

    Now, from what I have read thus far… I will have to say I agree with very little you have mentioned thus far UNKNOWN. I do understand that you have been hurt. But your tone and your words should really be a bit more thought out before you vent like that. I do agree with people being fake and thinking they understand why people do that to us. But that’s about it. This is what I get from you mama: You want people to feel sorry for you because of what happened and that they shouldn’t have the right to say or think what they want. Why should they say sorry when it’s not thier fault? Why should they cry when they didn’t go through what they went through? The people here have not done anything to us sweetheart, and they are not going to automatically read between the lines and know that you are blaming the person who did this to you.

    You don’t know Toy, and I agree with her and Steph with trying to calm you down. I understand that there is hurt, but being negative is not going to make you feel better. Like I said… your tone and words can be a bit defensive, so again… think about what you’ve said. You say one thing… and then turn around and say something else that doesn’t make sense.

    I will tell you my situation with Toy. We have been friends even when I was going through the abuse. Of course she never knew about it. When I turned 21, I finally told her and you know what her response was… NOTHING! She couldn’t cry, and she couldn’t say sorry because she didn’t UNDERSTAND. She didn’t understand why those things happened to me and she didn’t understand the pain. She held me why I cried, and later on she explained why she didn’t respond to what I told her. It was because she didn’t know how to approach that situation. I wanted to vent so much about it, so she directed me to her mother who ended up being the best person to vent to. I can never say whether or not Toy cried or felt bad about anything I told her because she didn’t do it in front of me. She still treats me like she’s always had. That to me is a perfect example of someone who isn’t fake. Her words: I CAN’T SAY SORRY FOR WHAT WAS DONE TO YOU BECAUSE I TRUELY DON’T UNDERSTAND AND I NEVER WILL. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, AND I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO APPROACH THAT SITUATION. ALL I CAN DO IS LOVE YOU THE SAME WAY I DID BEFORE YOU TOLD ME ANY OF THAT. AND WHAT EVER LOVE YOU THINK YOU DON’T HAVE, I WILL MAKE SURE YOU CAN GET IT.

    You see, everyone doesn’t have someone like that. If she were to cry and be all sorry for me, I think I would have just broke down and felt like I couldn’t fight what I have been trying to for years. For everyone feeling sorry for UNKNOWN… you guys don’t know the details about what happened to her. You can feel sorry and say sorry but you will never feel her pain.

    TO UNKNOWN: If you want to know how to heal yourself mama, you need to first fight the most of what you can by yourself. When no one is there for you and you end up over coming this battle on your own… then there should be nothing that can break you. Therefore, the way you are venting on this website is uncalled for. If you would like to talk personally, then let me know and yes I can tell you more about what happened to me. When you vent out the way you do, that just shows a weakness to me mama. Everyone may have their opinion, but who gives a f*** what people think.

  39. @better now
    Nice username. Very touching.

    So, you’re better now? Is it time that’s the cause of that because you didn’t mention what it took for you to get “better”. I can see how you dealt with it, but what really brought you through it?

  40. @ this discussion, just WOW.

    @ the message board posts, WOW again.

    I think this subject was mentioned in another Brownsista listing, because I remember commenting…

    I wish to know how many of you here were sexually abused, by who, and what… if any scars do you feel the experience left you with?

    It happened to me before by someone really close and the scars I have are depression, anxiety, more depression, etc. but then I get off my bum and go work out or do something to make me feel better. And I wanted to say that I think what happens to the ‘victim’ after is one of two extremes: (1) rampant promiscuity or (2) repression, repression, repression. I’m no psychbabbler or anything, but from what I’ve observed of others like myself that I’ve ‘known’, they align with one side or another. Me? I was repressed for a number of years. I didn’t act out to ‘get it out’; I held it in, which is just as bad.

  41. @ Unknown:
    This is one of the reasons why I like this site. Although yes, we talk about celebrities and their gossip, but it’s the sisterhood that I love. Although we do not know each other personally, we are still able to help one another, give encouragement, and yes tell someone off. But it’s about having a place that you can come to and talk with other people who can relate to what you are going through. Just reading your exchanges is proof of that. Just know that there are people out there who do care about you. Eventhough you may not know any of us, it is good to know that you have someone out there praying for you and caring about you. Much love to you Sista.

    As far as the subject, I experienced inappropriate touching from 2 male cousins as a young girl. I knew in my mind that something was wrong. But I never felt comfortable in telling my mother or anyone else for that matter about it. My family was not the kind of family that I can go to and talk about things like this. As I have gotten older, it is much better. I guess now they see me as a woman and not a little girl. So if I want to talk about something “grown” they will listen. My mother’s explaination of sex was “Don’t worry about it, just don’t do it” . Which is totally WRONG. That is why I am an advocate in parents talking with their children about sex, STDs, drugs, etc. Children have to feel comfortable with talking with their parents as well as other adults in their families.

  42. @Toy and friend.

    I don’t “feel sorry” for Unknown and I doubt she would want anyone to feel sorry for her. I’m putting myself in her shoes to the extent that I can–and trying to understand her perspective. There is a difference between pity and empathy. Until you can put yourself into another person’s shoes and attempt to see through their eyes–you can’t truly say you empathize with them. I can’t say I’ve accomoplished it, but I am trying to do so.

    Just want to clarify that it isn’t pity or “feeling sorry for”.

  43. I started not to post on this subject because it does stir up old hurtful feelings, but Unknown really changed my mind about that. I was abused, severly at times, but it happened. It affects me, but in a more affectionate way. I look at normal people and truly admire them. I wonder sometimes what life would/could be as a normal person. Once rape/incest/sexual abuse happens, your life is NEVER the same. I look at certain celebrities (Beyonce, Ciara, Janet, Rhianna, Mary J) and sometimes imagine my life being somewhat like theirs. It’s hard to stay positive (and I try everyday), but I find myself sometimes going through the depression stage. I sometimes look on this board and wonder how some of these people can judge so harshly. I know that celebrity gossip is fun, entertaining, and sometimes very comical. But I see some of the most judgmental comments ever – mostly about Beyonce, and I feel surprisingly sad. I’m not defending her, she was just an example, but I think you all get my point. Even if things aren’t great with me-I try to see the positive in others. I fail sometimes, but I do try to catch myself. If something is posted and I’m not interested or can’t find anything positive to say – I’ll say very few words – sometimes nothing. That’s just the way I have handled the abuse. I don’t talk about it and try not to think about it. I know that I’m not alone and that God does still love me and that’s all that is important to me. But for those who are continuously struggling, may peace be with you – and I truly mean that.

  44. THANKYOU SAMONE!

    I do apologive if I offended you UNKNOWN but still… If you want people to read between the lines, then you should follow your own advice as well. I mean coming on here calling us fake and names isn’t unfair. We aren’t joking around about this in anyway shape or form. I will admit that I did get mad only because I thought you were being unfair.

    NEFERTARI…
    You said yourself that “I think Unknown is just expressing her pain in the way she experiences it.” I just don’t think coming on here saying this and that about people who didn’t get abused is fair. Look at others who have come on here to say what they have to say about being abused and not have to vent out the way UNKNOWN has.

  45. @Toy

    I’m not telling you that Unknown’s post was fair. I doubt that she even thinks it was “fair”. I’m simply saying that I understand that she was expressing a very emotionally charged thought and so her post was emotionally charged.

    Everybody expresses rage differently. Some people turn it outward and it appears as anger. Some turn it inward and it manifests as depression.

    Those who are depressed will tend to be less intense/angry than those in whom the pain is manifesting as rage. I don’t think either way is right or wrong–it just Is..

  46. Ok, so that’s understandable Nefertari, and it is what it is and it should have been left at that. UNKNOWN can come one here like everyone else and express whatever it is that she wants. But starting all this YOUR FAKE FAKE FAKE, is unnecessary. The comments she made weren’t all directed to who ever did the abuse to her. Obviously she was directing some of it to those who were posting in a caring matter. I’m not saying you said this and that about what ever matter or that your taking sides and this and that. My point being is that when someone vents about situations like this, that they should not take it out on other people. No I don’t think they should hold it in either, and if UNKNOWN is getting help for what she’s gone through, I am proud for her and hope she over comes her hurt enough for her to move on. But I know her hurt will always be there. I just don’t think the way she is handling the situation on this website is appropriate. That’s all. When someone comes at me a certain way, I will defend myself. Allowing her to come one here and “pick an argument” with someone for the hell of it is not necessary. For her to tell Stephanie what she should and should not post on this blog is over the top! WOW! Some topics are hurtful, painful, and a bunch of other things so I agree with TORYA about what she said.

  47. @Samone

    I’m glad that you ventured into this conversation because I was waiting for you. However, I didn’t expect the sneak up attack. I kept clicking on the refresh button to see if you’d respond, and surely enough you did.

    I won’t be and am not an @ss when it comes to giving people credit when credit is due, and that I will do unto you. You have done an excellent job of summing up the dialogue between Toy and I, in you perspective. And it does sound like Toy has been a good friend to you – and that is awesome to know. However, coming on here to defend your friend was so unnecessary. The topic isn’t about her; it’s about you and I – the victims. And if you want to talk about who was being “defensive”, your friend can take the blame, too! Don’t be bias.
    At first, I thought your intent for intervening in this discussion was to devour me over some back lashing that took place between me and your friend. But as I thoroughly read what you were saying, I see that you were trying to be helpful as well as instrumental in helping me and others deal with the pain. But I can’t help but to charge your head, not your heart, for stating that I’m trying to receive some form of pity and sorrow for what has happened to me in the past. That is not true. That’s not even and will never be sufficient enough and I think you know that. What I’m seeking is far beyond that and I don’t think you even tapped on it. But you came close. It’s deep, tough and complicated so I will just leave it alone and continue with my prayers and search, but be very thankful for the healing you’ve gained in 22 years because I’m 33 and still on the prowl for recovery.

    In conclusion, I will say that this experience today has been good and if it means anything to anyone, I actually do feel better. I appreciate those who have stepped forward to extend a “personal” invitation to me for additional counseling and shoulder to lean on (not you Samone…just kidding) and for those of you who have spoken about their experiences. It’s a rough road…really. And I know some of you are still traveling it as I am, too! But after hearing what some of you have to say, we can do it and overcome. Sorry to all those who I’ve offended (even you Toy), my intent was truly to opened up some people’s minds as to how sensitive this subject can be.

    Thanks Samone for sharing your experience and firmly yet politely stating your piece. You’ve done well.

    I’m gone.

  48. Point being everybody is that this subject is HERE and that’s that. If someone wants to reply to it… then it isn’t someone else’s job to say who can post and reply here PERIOD.

    Toy: No one will really understand what your saying, but I 100% agree with you love.

    Nefertari: I just read one of your comments about putting us in UNKNOWN’s shoes… we can never be in her shoes or even THINK about being in her shoes. Everyone is abused differently and even if you are to think about being in someones shoes… it isn’t the same.

    Unknown: I pray for you all the way. And I meant to tell you that people handle these hurtful situations in different ways and as best they know how. And that your anger won’t get you too far baby.

    For Others Who Have Been Abused: Please, please, please don’t hold it in. Try to find help if possible!

  49. @Samone

    I don’t think you read what I said. I said in her shoes “to the extent that I am able” and “I can’t say I’ve accomplished it but I am trying to do so.”

    Both of those comments mean that I acknowledged from the beginning that nobody can fully understand the pain other than the person expressing it–and that means not even other abuse survivors since their experience will not be identical.

    Please don’t mis-read what I said and then try to chastise or correct me. I am very gracious and will accept correction and indeed correct myself when warranted–but when i’m not wrong–I don’t bow.–not even for the sake of “getting along”.

  50. @Samone

    I re-read your post, and again, you are making assumptions. You don’t know WHAT I’ve been through. You only know what I’ve shared.

    I also don’t have to be stabbed, in order to see a stabbing victim and cognitively understand that they are most likely in a great deal of pain.

    I don’t have to feel that pain in order to know that I feel empathy for the pain and want to see them get to a hospital and get their pain relieved.

    In so doing, I have “put myself in their shoes” rather than sitting on my bench judging them.

    I’ m going to quote my girl Oprah and ask you to please “don’t play me small”.

    I strongly dislike the fact that whenever I show understanding and compassion, at least one person takes it as weakness.

  51. TO I AGREE WITH YOU 100%,

    Unknown had no right to come at anyone the way she did, we were simply having a civil conversation before she came in going off…No one in the forum said anything offensive or ugly toward sexual abuse victims..It was perfectly o.k. for her to vent but she could have chose to do it in a more respectful manner…Telling someone what they can or can not talk about and calling people fake and saying they don’t care, bla, bla,bla was totally inappropiate.

    Toy, you were completely right to defend yourself.

  52. Well Unknown, I will admit to defending her because she is my friend. And you may have thought that to be unnessary. But your first post was very unnessary. I do feel good about reaching a point of where you are thankful for me sharing my experience. Just know that all we can do is help ourselves and move on. Because whenever we think we have had it hard… there are others who have had it worse. I have to agree and say that reading the responses to this topic have made me feel good about somethings I never once thought about. But thanks to all who participated. =0)

  53. Nefertari, no one is blaming, stabbing, chastising or saying anything negative against you. I love how you are now getting offensive about something that is not said to be negative towards you and please… I don’t have time to play someone small. It’s fair you can respond and have your opinions and we can’t do the same??? Sorry if I offended you, but sista please.

  54. @ Unknown, Have you ever heard of Joyce Meyer? She is a christian Evangelist who openly talks about how her father sexually abused her for years and that God has healed her completely. She has a book called “Beauty for Ashes” and it talks all about the behavior addictions she suffered from and how she had to learn to accept healing. I know that people have their share of things to say about Christians…..but GOD IS REAL. Reading that book changed my life and along with the bible, I have read some of her other books as well, like “Battlefield of the Mind”. They both have been very helpful. She helped me with my healing process (Verbal abuse from so-called friends when I was little). They are powerful books…….give it a try. Have you sought counseling any where?

  55. Samone-Just be sure to save some of that advice for Toy. Bye.

    Toy- Let it go. It’s over.

    Nef and Lady-You are the greatest!!!! Know that….much love/respect!

    Stef-You’re late.

    To the rest-Peace, love and blessings. God will heal us all!

  56. Ok everybody… seriously let’s stop with the blaming of this and that. I honestly think that most of what was said today was very hurtful. There were some good points made and some harsh things said just for the hell of it. Let’s just think of this topic as in, if we didn’t talk about it here… then who will you know? Some people result to violence and honestly I will have to say… I know I was defending myself, but UNKNOWN, I will have to praise you for not resorting to violence towards anybody and yes… WORDS ARE JUST WORDS. =0)

  57. Toy just forget about it… some people will never learn…

  58. LOL, I know right… like you said… SISTA PLEASE! I thought she said she was gone. *ROLLS EYES.* And to STEF, thanks for understanding hun!

  59. @Samone and Toy

    If the two of you read what I wrote and thought it was a reference to violence then I am really, truly, done trying to reason with you. It was an example of empathy.

    Samone, my point to you was that in your comment, which you made directly to me, you misunderstood what I wrote and then proceeded to correct me–without realizing that we had essentially made the same statement.

    Of course you have the right to comment, we all do. And I have the right to clarify my statement if I feel its been taken out of context.

    I don’t really understand how a person can read “trying to put myself in…” and hear “I know girl, I understand EXACTLY what you have been through…” they are very different concepts.

  60. @Liyah

    I like Dr. Joyce Meyers.

  61. wow! How timely. Today I was discussing a relationship matter with a friend. This guy is really touchy feely and I don’t like it. She thinks I’m driving this guy away and asked if I told him about what happened to me when I was five. No, I just met the guy and I get the feeling he won’t care because he just wants what he wants. I need to feel safe and know that I am being heard. I don’t want to be rushed into doing anything.

    I know that maybe the time has come to be healed of this but I dread the time this will take. Last year, the leader of my bible study group gave her testimony of sexual abuse & healing. She was married 23 years to her husband before she could want and enjoy sex! She began to work this out spiritually about 10 years before her breakthrough. Kudos to her longsuffering husband.

    My scars? Isolation. Asexuality. Self loathing. I no longer hate myself and feel better about my body but I definitely keep tomyself. I have been celibate for a dozen years and have had only one 7 month (non sexual) relationship since ’95. I believe I have a right to determine how and when I am touched. My friend thinks I am too up tight and that I should stick with this guy and maybe we can heal each other. Whatever.

    Besides being fondled by a teenaged brother when I was five, I also endured countless occasions when neighborhood boys would “cop a feel” when they thought no one was looking. There was also a near acquaintance rape experience when I was 20. When I thought I was doomed and couldn’t get him off of me I literally left my body. For some reason–divine intervention perhaps–he stopped trying to force me to have sex with him and preceded to act as if what had happened was consensual and that maybe we could actually do this at another time!

    I desire companionship but I could live without sex. Ya’ll know that this is wack. The average person wants intimacy. Think I am gonna go back to my cave (called my career) now.

  62. @Toy

    I just read your larger paragraph regarding hurtful things being said and I agree with you in concept with regard to everything except “words are just words”. No, they are not. Words are the tools used for understanding or weapons that are used for destruction. They are not harmless they are powerful and how we use them does matter.

  63. WTF are you talking about Nefertari!!! I was only saying that at least none of us are resulting to violence as in: I know I got a mad at UNKNOWN but at least she’s not taking her frustration out on someone violently. Where did I say you said that??? D***. Are we attacking you? No! I understand what your saying and getting across. But please understand that I was defending myself before. You think we are misunderstanding you and your doing the same to us. WOW! Sweetheart, I get the point and I’m sure Samone does too.

  64. Ok, since we are typing at the same time Nefertari, just know we are not attacking sweetheart. I do have to upmost respect for everything you have said thus far.

  65. @Toy

    I’m laughing now so thank you. You are right I completely misunderstood your violence comment. I’m guilty as charged. I apologize. If it matters at all–I am more emotional than normal this week and so if there is a misunderstanding, I realize that I am probably guilty of it generally.

  66. @Toy lmao yes we are typing at the same time. I want you to know that I posted the apology before I got this message.

    You were right–I read the violence comment and took it personally, largely because I have been feeling violent towards the people who hurt these women every since I first read the post this morning so a “hit dog will always holler” and I was hit between the eyes this time.

  67. LOL, I was thinking WHAT, I DIDN’T SAY THAT AND DIDN’T MEAN IT. LOL, so please don’t take it that way and I’m sorry if you did. LOL.

  68. @ Pearlsrevealed I don’t think you are strange, when that guy in the club grabbed years ago I felt the same way you did, Isolated and Asexual. But let me tell you, I know you said maybe you guys can heal each other but that is a big mistake that people (mainly women) make. Only God can heal you…now there are people who can help the process, but only God heals. I think you should talk to your friend from your bible study class and ask her how her healing began and to pray and talk with you. I also recommend the book “Beauty for Ashes” for you too! It is amazing…God is really speaking in that book!

    @Nef, don’t you just love Joyce, she is too real.

  69. This topic, along with rape and violence against women enrages me to the point where I can’t control my emotions so I need to sit this one out.

    Just know that to all the sisters who shared, I’m sending you all the love and understanding I can. To the sisters I jumped on–I apologize. Its not really meant for you–the fact that this happens to little girls makes me want to fight and maim people so I’m just not rational right now.

    I’m going to hush now. Collectively–we need to do something. It touches so many of us. It is just wicked and wrong and nobody deserves it.

  70. @Liyah

    Yes. My mother started me watching her and reading her books. Seeing her was the first time it occurred to me that “grown woman wisdom” was not limited to one race. She is very real.

  71. @Pearlsrevealed

    My best friend’s brother did that to me in jr. high school (attempted rape). Some time later I asked him how would he feel if someone tried to do that to his sister…he told me that “Nobody would try because I would kill them”….That let me know that he knew what he did to me was wrong but he didn’t care. It also made me feel “less than” and “dirty” and like I had some kind of vibe coming from me that made men act like that.

    No…you dont sound wack to me at all. Keep striving sis.

  72. @ Liyah
    I know only God can heal me but my best friend whom I confided in don’t share my spiritual beliefs or rather chooses to work out her spirituality differently from me. She also has never been molested and LOVES sex.

    Actually, God began the healing process @ MegaFest 2004. I don’t recall the evangelist name–she is a former nurse from the Bahamas–preached an annointed sermon concerning the rape of David’s daughter by her own half brother. Honey, I felt like I was pulled to the floor and something was ripped out of me. I knew instantly that God was dealing with that time when I was five even though it did not cross my mind during the sermon.

    Little by little, I am becoming more social and for the first time in years I am pursuing friendships. Lately when I pray God gives me scriptures about raising my expectations. I need to because it seems it just take so long to be set free of all my issues that I just give up.

  73. @Pearlsrevealed

    continue to pray and read God’s word. As for your friend, be careful b/c if God is doing something with you rignt now, whatever it is, healing, preparing you to do something, your friend “Could” be a hinderance. Always hold on to your experience from 2004 and never forget it b/c some people may try to sway your beliefs or turn you in another direction. I would pray for your friend to, she may be looking for love the wrong way if she LOVES (is addicted to) sex.

  74. Also, I believe when you felt something rip out of you, God was removing hurt associated with the molestation. God takes things from us, but by talking about it over and over or choosing to dwell on it, we bring it right back to us.

  75. As hard as this is to admit. *sighs* I am that little girl that has been abused. Sadly more than once and with people I trusted with my life. I had a mother who had mental problems to the point where as she could not protect me. So I became fair game to those who knew about this. My step-father who was present never touched me sexually, but a couple of his friends did. My step-father abused me mentally. Therefore ignoring what was really going on in our family world. He called me everything, but the child of God. I struggled for years and years with what happened to me. Angry with my mother and the whole world. Not trusting a soul. And always ready to fight to protect me. I eventually got married and it was hell. My husband could not understand why I was the way I was. And to be truthful I lacked understanding myself because I thought I was finished with the past and swore no one will ever be allowed to hurt me again. That was far from the truth. It wasn’t until I almost died at a serious attempt to end my life that real help was offered to me while in the hospital. Lord knows, I needed it and I needed him(GOD) to help me live a life without all the hurt destroying me. And that is exactly what I am now doing for many years now.
    I could go on and on about all my hardships. In fact, I consider myself very blessed. I’ve beat a lot of odds. Some people don’t survive this because the hurt is too deep. Especially when you’re just a little girl. This kind of thing can really break a person. And I won!!! I live a clean, healthy, sober, God praising life. Oh and my mother is fine. She and I are very close. As an adult, my understanding about her sickness has lessen my hate and increased my love for her.

  76. @ One day at time
    Nice testimony. Healing broken bonds with a parent is huge.

    @Liyah
    I feel that I am over the incident at 5. All that I have experienced since Saturday and typing about the past today makes me think that the time has come to deal with the attempted rape. As for my friend, she is not a sex addict. She is just well adjusted and enjoys life to the fullest. But I must say that this is the first time she has said something to me where I strongly object.

  77. ^^ that is good to hear, you are right! Some people don’t beat the odds, but you did. That’s wondeful! Good night Ladies, God bless.

  78. it’s wierd talking about this to total strangers but I have learned that talking about it helps me deal with it. I was raped when I was 12 yrs. old by someone I knew. I was afraid to tell my family because this same situation happened to a close friend of the family, and they blaimed her. So I kept it in for 6 yrs. It broke me down mentally and I went through depression and self-hatred for a long time. I eventually opened up to a close friend and that helped me to see that 1. it wasn’t my fault and 2. that I needed to stop beating myself up about the situation. Now at 23 yrs. old, I am still dealing with the situation but I am better and still getting through it through support from friends, family and my faith.

  79. I know we are talking about sexual abuse…but what about child abuse. My father beat me my sister and my two brothers when we were young. When I say beat I mean stripped us naked and beat us with a leather belt. He also use to slap us across the face and yell at us for hours on end. My mother let it happen. I’m 44 years old and have been married for 21 years. My oldest child is 23 and my youngest is 6. I look at my kids and wonder how my father could do those things to helpless children!! And my mother…I can’t even begin to describe what I feel for her. The abuse was always a family secret….and till this day my two brothers and my sister all have stop speaking to our parents and when we talk on the phone the child abuse we suffered is still the number one topic of discussion. Its like we can’t get past it cause we can’t figure out why they did this to us.

  80. @UNKNOWN

    Stef-You’re Late.
    ****************************************************88
    Whatever chick, you’re not even worth reasoning with you got too many problems.

  81. @ Me, your story is very similar to mine. Both my little brother and I were beaten by our father with a leather belt. He would strip my brother down to his underwear and have me wear shorts or tight jeans so that we could “feel” it. I was taken outside the city limits and beaten so no would would hear me screaming, radios were turned on in the house so no would could us screaming. We were always told that we were getting punished for bad grades (anything below a B) or forgetting to do something or for being disrespectful. We were also lectured for hours on end, told we’d never amount to anything, we were lazy and undeserving, he threatened to kick us both out of the house for something dumb like leaving a light on or not sweeping the porch right. The list goes on and on.

    Now that I’m older I see that my father has a mental problem, something that stemmed from his relationship with his own parents who divorced when he was 12. He wasn’t wanted by his biological father and his relationship with his mother was/is nonexistant so he took it out on us. The abuse, which was not just physical, but emotional psychological and verbal, was a secret with us too. We always put on this stupid facade that we were the perfect black family with perfect children, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. He’s a controlling man and would isolate us from friends and other family members so that the abuse could continue. And of course my mother was the delusional, in denial parent who kept her mouth shut and preferred to use the word ‘spanking’, rather than identifying the action for what it was.

    I’ve only recently been able to say that I forgive them without lying to myself, the credit of which goes directly to God because without Him I would have surely killed both my dad and myself. There’s still pain and I still have flashbacks and dreams of the past, and I’ll probably always have them. However knowing that the abuse wasn’t my fault helps a lot. It helps to know that I wasn’t the one with the problem, that I’m not some unacceptable heap of flesh unfit to live like I was made to feel. I’m sending you an e-hug through my laptop in hopes that you and your siblings can come to self-resolution over this abuse. God bless you.

    @All of you that have shared your stories on sexual abuse, thank you. It may not seem like a big thing to type out your stories here to anonymous people, but someone could read it and identify with it as I did with Me’s physical abuse story, which helped me to talk about my story, which can help someone else to be brave enough to type out their story. You’re doing wonderful things by getting it out there and sharing, so again thank you and God bless 🙂

  82. At 1st I wasn’t going to post on this topic b/c well…. it just extremely deep & a extremely senstive subject, but I just couldn’t let it pass w/o putting in my words on it. I have never been a victim of rape, molestation are all of the above, so I could NEVER say I can imagine how it may feel b/c I feel that I would be stepping over the line. My mother & father were very watchful & cautious of who I was around & dealt with. I won’t say what either of them would have done if they found out that someone was harming me. So yes I was blessed & fortunate to not go thru such a thing. But that’s y I say this…parents this is the reason why u MUST educate your little boys & girls. U need to let them know ALL the dangers that are lurking in the corner. U need to let them know that it’s OK for them to let u know if someone is touching or feeling on them inappropriately REGARDLESS of who the pervert may be. If they know this they will probably be more @ ease to tell u. And one of the MOST important things is to be MINDFUL of who ur children r around… family, friends, teachers, priest, pastors, nuns, & etc etc etc. Watch EVERY last one of them b/c u just never know where a sicko may lie.

    As for R. Kelly, that’s just sick. I was a HUGE fan of his back in the day, which I am sure a lot of us were, but now I am just disgusted. To think a man w/ all that talent could be such a sicko, what a waste… smh. It doesn’t matter if the girl came on to him or not, he was the ADULT he knew better than to sleep w/ a CHILD… just sick! To all those who have gone thru this horrible situation I wish u all the best thru this rough journey that was dealt to u. Peace & Blessings.

  83. First I must say, Stef thanks for bringing this topic up. Kudos to you and to all my sistas who have shared their stories. Second- yes I was sexually molested as a child- I was 9 years old- it was by a trusted church member. I told my moms and she didn’t do anything about it from what I could see. A few years later I talked to a trusted youth worker about it and she told me that the same guy had sexually assaulted her- I don’t know, but when I realized that someone else had not only gone through something similar to me, but by the same person, it made me feel less bad about it b/c i knew that it wasn’t something I’d done to make him do it.I believe that God sent her to me, or put us in touch with each other. I spent years messed up- I rededicated my life to Christ every Sunday at church b/c I felt that would make me feel better. I started taking showers that were near scalding hot so I could wash away the “dirt”- but of course I always felt dirty. I had nightmares that he’d do it again, and each time would be worse and worseIt was not until I was like 15/16 that I really began to heal- even after I’d begun to heal emotionally I refused to forgive him until he apologized- but whenever he visited church (he was kicked out of our church for his sexual harrassment) he would try to hug me and stuff- I wanted to kill him, or at least tell his wife, and have him go to jail. But i realized that I had to forgive him in order to completely heal and to reach another spiritual level. I was visiting a church a few months ago and saw him on the monitor thing- I prayed that he didn’t speak to me- but I wasn’t scared or anything- I just turned my attention back to the sermon.
    I think I’m cautious around men b/c of that. Im protective of my cousins and kids I mentor.
    Oh and last thing since I know that I have taken a lot of time- I refuse to see my self as a victim- I think that’s a major part of what helped me to heal- God says that we are More than Conquerors through Jesus Christ- I believe that and I claim that. Im 20 years old now and I am emotionally fine, spiritually strong, and mentally stable. I don’t have nightmares, I enjoy baths, and even some showers- sans the scalding hot water!
    Stay Blessed Sistas!

  84. To my sistahs:

    You are not your past; you are your possibilities.

    For a short period of time my mother had her stepson live with us; he was twenty five; I was fifteen. She took him in becasue he needed a place to stay and she needed the additional income because she was a single parent of four children. Our bedrooms were right next to each other. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and find him in my room with his hands down my panties. It scared the hell out of me so I started to go to bed at night in denim jeans. Even with my jeans on as I slept he did this about three or four times until 1) threatened to tell my mother and 2) put a latch on my door at night. It wasn’t penetration; but it was creepy and disgusting and to this day I can’t fully trust men because I inherently believe that all men crave younger women. Some men have the cajones to act on it and some just don’t.

    For single moms our there; please protect your children. Child molesters usually are right underneath you nose because most victims of child sexual abuse are raised by single mothers who are targeted and prayed upon because they are usually aren’t present enough to known what is going on with their own children.

    Prayer, forgiveness, truth telling, and understanding the power of God’s love has worked for me. Just because you’ve been abused doesn’t mean you won’t ever be able to survive, thrive, know your own self-worth, or ever love. You’ve just got to believe you deserve the best because God blew air into your nostrils and created you. He/She didn’t create you to live a life of suffering; he/she created you to fortify you and strengthen others so you can empower others with your story.

    Also, Ladies. Think of your life in the bigger scheme of things. It helps to understand that no matter how awful a thing is that has happened to you; that BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO EVERYONE. There isn’t a person on planet earth who hasn’t experienced some type of suffering. It’s how we handle that experience that allows us to be triumph. It’s understanding this very basic premise that empowers you to not victimize yourself. Yes he/she sexually abused you and they were wrong. But you can never go back in time and change that moment.

    Ladies; we’ve got to learn how to seperate what happened to us from who we really are. We are love and light no matter what happens to us. Cause who we are and what happened to us are NOT one and the same.

    Point in case; look at Oprah.

  85. @Unknown thank you for saying that. I read everyone comments it making really sad about what happen to all of you. All i have to say is keep your heads up and stay on the right path. God will find a way for you too heel. Love all my brownsista on this site even if we do disagree.

  86. I stated out VERY YOUNG…..like 12 or so, maybe 11. I randomly slept with men like it was nothing. I got paid many, many times, and had a child young (15) by a man who was 37 and a crack head. I blamed another guy who that child lives with currently, and neither know. I’m so glad to get off my chest. I didn’t have anyone at home who loved me.

  87. @Surabi

    Please don’t let these men that did that too you have the GLORY. Don’t allow them too make you be angry for the rest of your life. I am coming to you speaking at you with experience. The first thing you have too do is too forgive them. Forgiveness does not mean that you have too be friends with them or anything like that. What it means is you have to ask God to give you the strength too forgive them so that you can move on. Because until you can move on you will be forever that scared and angry little girl.

    Once you have forgiven these creeps and put them in God’s hands then he can begin dealing with you. Believe me I understand how you feel and every now and again a part of me still gets scared. Especially at nite when all the lights are out. I just pray then or sometimes I get up and turn the lights on. It is a sad thing when this happens too a child because it robs them of their youth an innocence. But you can get you back by not being afraid of things anymore and living in the real world. Not the fantasy world you made up when it was happening. I would recommend that you seek counseling and try too make sure that counselor has the believe that you have. I will pray for you. But forgiveness is a tool that you can use for yourself. PEACE ONTO YOU.

  88. @noneya how old r you and where you from. If you want to speak im here to listen or we can do it in private. You hold your head up baby girl.

  89. @ unknown

    Thanks!

    Yes, I am better now. Time helped, but therapy sealed the deal. I had to learn, and it took many years for me to understand this, that what happened was not my fault, it didn’t make me who I was then, didn’t define who I am today. It’s not my shame – it’s his…..

    I know that sounds so very simple, and believe me, I struggled long and hard against accepting this “cliched” path towards healing….but, once I allowed myself to truly understand that I wasn’t at fault – the anger I felt (and really anger really doesn’t describe it – maybe intense rage ?) started to ease a bit and I found that I could look at myself in the mirror again……..It was only the beginning, but for me it was everything.

    So, you’re better now? Is it time that’s the cause of that because you didn’t mention what it took for you to get “better”. I can see how you dealt with it, but what really brought you through it?

  90. oops sorry about that – I copied your comment so I wouldn’t forget what you said lol

  91. i’m degreed now, married, homeowner, successful, but my secret is just that, secret. I still have barriers up in realtionships, and honestly don’t think i know how to communicate on a real level. I constantly read self help books, and am not self sufficient. I’m sure people thinks that I am odd, but it’s only becuase my mother rejected me, my father never cared to know me, and I had to take care of myself most of my life. One day I’ll get therapy, but i still have a hard time facing the situations that I placed myself within.

    The girl at the focal point of this case, was probably nothing like me. She had family, she most likely liked sex. and some people male and female just do. IT stems from having orgasms at a young age. PREVENT THAT. She was a whore and thought nothing of it, she will NEVER lead a normal life or be comfortable in a room of family members and friends; ONLY STRANGERS. I do beleive, however, therapy is the starting point and should be sought out.

    As a parent, there should be nothing your child does that you don’t know. And KNOW the people around them. it is your own children that keeps things from you. Girls keeping thier periods from their own mothers and sisters. Not sharing thier first sexual experiences with anyone, ect. you know. I just find it hard to understand prosecuting this case. Like the lady was saying earlier, her niece was on myspace and was meeting older men. Young girls are LOOKING to have secret relationships with older men, they really want thier DADDY’s love.

    I look at this case and I think that it is the young girls that need the help. The men are wrong. Period.

    It’s just not rape.

    Explain to my why I’m wrong becuase I know that I am.

  92. @noenya
    It’s hard to follow what you’re talking about. Not sure if you are referring back to another post or speaking of a particular case making news in your area. It shouldn’t matter if a child enjoys or have an orgasim during sex. If the victim is underage and the perpertrator is an adult then it is wrong. I mean thnk about it. When you were 10 or 14 and even 17, were really mature enough or mentally & emotionally equipped to make the life decisions you are making now that you are an adult? NO! Sex is not just physical but it is mental and emotional. It is clear from the posts here and the statistics the effects of inappropriate sexual activity is devastating and is rightfully considered a crime. Children need to be protected at all costs. Perpetrators need to be punished and more importantly reprogrammed.

    @ Bria, Love N Light and Khenai
    Thanks for your strong truth telling. It’s funny how I can talk that way to others but cannot do for myself when I need the most. Yo, we need each other for real.

    @Stephanie
    Thanks a billion for this post. You just don’t know how emotional the past week has been for me. I know that this is the issue to be dealt with in this season of my life. I have been averaging a tramatic, emotional episode every 6 to 8 weeks. Each one brings suffocating pain like I have never experienced in my life. But there has also been lessons learned, growth, healing and deliverance.

    I am so grateful to everyone who boldly share their experiences and compassionately gives wisdom and encouragement. Thank you. thank you. thank you.

  93. I was abused multiple times by my female babysitter as well as several cousins.. I was too afraid to say anything to anybody.. Even until this day. Simply because my family has a major issue of dealing with any situation that would cause them shame… So I choose not to tell them becuase I know like with my rape some how it will be come my fault.. I can honesty say that through-out my 28 years I deal with this secret at the most inconvient times.. However, I realize that with the help of God I have overcome.. I forgive my family because i know they don’t know any better.. And with each day God cont. to heal my hurts.. I will say this.. none of my healing would have come with out my realtionship with God.. Funny but true story.. I was home visiting my mom and I was riding the bus past my old building.. and seeing the building triggered a horrible flashback.. ( not remember Im on the bus) I start zoning out and tears begin to roll down my face.. And all I could do was pray.. And really all I said was God i forgive her .. bless her soul and just help come to know you… and please continue to heal me .. and just as quickly as it began it ended .. and the bus pulls up to the next stop. and she (my former abuser) gets on the bus.. I was dumbfounded… But I know that God is really doing a work on me and in me.. I did get some counseling and that has helped but not nearly as much as faith and forgiveness has….

  94. Thanks you all for sharing your stories. This has really been healing in itself. These testimonies are powerful! Many blessings to you all and God bless you (us) on your (our) journeys to recovery. For those that have made it through and has let go of the past/pain…beautiful. 🙂

  95. Does Abuser’s Age Matter?

    I was about 6yrs old when I walked upon my 1st sex scene, my 12- year-old half-sister & my 8-year-old brother. It’s vague. I think she was visiting because it would be the last time I saw her at our house. It was a shock. My mom had yet to tell us about S-E-X. She simply told us “Dont let anyone touch our privates, and she got pregnant by simply ‘sitting’ on our father’s lap” lol. I kept the shock to myself, I don’t remember why, or if I was convinced. Consequently, my brother begun to touch ME unaproprietly. Surprisingly, I wasn’t alarm. I was VERY curious. It never got too far [No penetration], for our mother would interupt it. She didn’t understand where this was coming from because of her single mother lifestyle [She didn’t date]. She punished & beat us up, she threw Bible at us, she made us beg God’s forginess for hours on our knees, threatened us about hell. The latter worked along with the explanation that incest is wrong & sex led to pregnancy [At least, it worked for me, for I’ve yet to let anybody touch me sexually]. A couple of years later, my mom enlisted the help of an older cousin to ‘babysit’ while she went to school & work. After school [when mom was out], this older cousin & my brother would engage in sexual activities. It was their little secret, but I wasn’t stupid. I know it was wrong [because it was incest…RIGHT?]. I didn’t tell on them because I didn’t want to be the ‘snitch’. I never though of it as sexual abuse just like I never though of him touching me unapropriately as sexual abuse [We were both kids who didn’t know any better for God sake!] Now, I’m not so sure. Do you think it was sexual abuse? If not, in which of the cases do you see sexual abuse?
    These experiances have affected my brother & I very differently. I’ve abstain from sexual behavior [eversince]. I used to think I was bad, I wanted it/asked for it, and something was very wrong with me. I’ve come to accept it’s ok to like sex…when I’m ready. On the other hand, my brother has been very active eversince. When he got around 14, I know he’s been involve with several kids younger than me, and this alarms me.

  96. I’m 43 years old and just recently realized I was sexually abused as a child. It was a female babysitter. She molested me in the bathroom of the apartment my family was living in at the time with the stem of my mothers hot water bottle. I remember the incident. But until a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t even realize it was molestation. And I don’t think it has affected me at all.

  97. It’s real sad to visit a forum that encourages people to open up about sexual abuse only to have people who don’t know each other arguing back and forth. What a shame.

  98. I must say that those of you, that have never went through life not being touched..you are truly truly blessed! I got abuse in the foster home I was in, by 2 of the family members…I blame myself cause I should have told somebody…but I was too scared. It all started when I was 10-until I ran away at 15. But I know this sounds strange but I wouldn’t change what happen to me, ’cause it made me stronger…it was damaging though…it made it a lil harder for me to trust anyone. But I just pray everyday & keep my head up knowing that I am in God’s favor…and trouble don’t last always.

  99. Update…The emotional roller coaster ride that I had beeen strapped into since October is now over! The final piece to the trauma puzzle came Friday morning during a brief conversation with a woman who use to counsel me 10 years ago. I remembered an episode of physical abuse that I had not thought of in over 25 years! I was falsely accused and severly beaten by a school teacher for something I did not do. I realized all of the strong negative emotion and remorseless destructive behavior I had been exhibiting of late was the result of that trauma. That incident opened the door to strongholds of anger, fear and unforgiveness. I thought “When you don’t forgive you become the person you hate. What she did to me with her paddle, I recently did to a coworker with my words.”
    I forgave that woman last Friday and by Monday I felt like I had my life back!

    I have witness the destructive power of unforgiveness in others. I have now experienced the effects of holding on to trauma for myself. My advice: Forgive, forgive, forgive as soon as possible or run the risk of burying it deep in your subconscious and developing another personality or bad habits to cope with everyday living.

    Educate your children and everyone around you. Let your kids know about what you or other family members and friends have endured. It is not enough to keep them from sleepovers. Let them know when they feel confused by a person’s behavior or threatened or manipulated that this is a sign their boundaries have been crossed. In these situations they have a right to disobey an adult or flee from the company of someone they should trust. Tell them to run, scream, knock something over, break something, kick, scratch, and fight. When someone says they will kill them or their parents if they tell, train your kids to call their bluff. Abusers don’t won’t to be revealed. “You go any further and you will have to kill me because nothing will stop me from telling my momma!” They should also know never to falsely accuse anyone of committing sexual abuse or unprovoked physical assult against them. And finally when your children come to you with a story of abuse don’t over react. Remain calm and listen. Don’t ignore the situation or pretend it never happened. Depending on the nature or severity of the incident, determine if the accused should be dealt with directly or the proper authorities should be notified immediately. Vindicate you children then teach them to forgive so that they can be strong emotionally and mentally for the rest of their lives.

  100. @ Dulce

    You are so right – to survive that is to know that you can survive anything.

    @ Pearlsrevealed

    So true, letting go of the anger was the biggest step, for me, towards healing.

  101. I have been raped and it is still one of the most scarring thing that has ever happened to me. The hardest part about it is I have women around me who tell me to just get over it. It was by someone who is very spiritual and goes to church and I dont, so the hardest part are with the people who take his side. I guess because he goes to church he’s a good person and I must have done something to provoke him. Instead of having people who console me they just tell me to go to church too and get some Jesus in me and everything will just go away. It makes me upset when black people think that everyone can be cured like that. All they need is some Jesus and everything is fine. I dont understand how I could ever step foot in a church knowing that you can do anything and get away with it along as on Sunday your sitting in a pew. That moment has made me question God and all his so-call believers.

  102. @ CB
    I think it is horrible you have had this experience with church-going folks but her reaction is not a surprise. Just because the perpetrator goes to church does not give him a free pass. Please seek counseling from a rape crisis center or counselor. There are christian counselors affiliated with Desert Streams Ministries (www.desertstreams.org) an organization that specializes in counseling sexual trauma and addiction.

    Going to church and pretending nothing never happened is not the answer. There are folks who have been sitting in church traumatized or full of anger and hatred for years and for various reasons. In my opinion, the main reason is that church folks are no different from the world when dealing with this taboo so it is hard for the average christian to find someone with the understanding and compassion to confide in so that the healing can begin. Professional counseling is needed within the church as much as outside the church. There are other auxillary ministries besides Desert Stream that are rising up to meet this need.

  103. When I was about 10 or so my father got into my bed and tried to molest me. I woke up feeling his hand under my nightgown. I woke up before he could actually start feeling me up but I lived in fear of him for years after that. A few years ago he land in prison and now guess what? I am forced to financially support him and send him money every month. Sometimes I laugh at the irony but that is how life is for many victims whose family members are the offenders. We are forced to sit across from them at holiday dinners and yeah, even support them when they screw up and go to jail. 🙁

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