Gay, Straight, Young, or Old…

Every time a relationship ends, I always wonder “What did I do?” Why did this person deem me unfit as a companion? What is it about me that makes me so unlovable?

I’m not an “it’s them, it’s not me” type of girl. I don’t place blame, I solve issues. I don’t run and hide at the first sign of trouble. I want to find a way to fix things. I won’t insult anyone by giving the definition of insanity, but I had to look at myself. Was I “insane”? I didn’t think I was repeating past mistakes, I thought I was learning something from each relationship. I wasn’t holding on to any baggage, I was giving each new man the benefit of the doubt. I was one of the few non-bitter Black women left. I was proud of that.

I just had a man disappear. Don’t know why. He didn’t feel me relevant enough to tell me. I’m sure I did something, and I wanted to know what so I could fix it. So I could take that lesson into whatever new relationship God gave me. Nothing. Silence. I was flabbergasted. I thought this guy was awesome. You know the type ladies… they start out with nonstop calls, and the compliments never end. He certainly wasn’t a head turner, and he had a lot of baggage, but I saw something in him I didn’t see in many men. I saw maturity. I called friends, family, anyone that would listen to me. I cried. He thought I was so bad he’s now indifferent to me. This man I thought just may be “the one.” This man my God had brought into my life for some special purpose, because I don’t believe in accidents. In a matter of days I became nothing to him. Why?

Then a male friend, whom I adore dearly, told me: “It’s not you… it’s him!” My response: “It can’t always be the other person. I did something, and I need YOU to help me figure out what it was… so I can fix it.” My dear sweet friend said something totally unexpected. “It is ALWAYS them. There is nothing wrong with you, if they don’t see it, then KEEP IT MOVING until the one that does see it finds you.”

Mind Blowing.

I instantly felt better. I never doubted that I was fabulous, but I had to wonder why I was still single. I had to wonder what I was doing, or better wasn’t doing, that kept me from getting that ring. Come on single ladies, I know I’m not here by myself. I know I’m not the only one that has wondered why the other girl got a man. What did she do to get that man to propose that I’m not doing? I blamed it on a lot of factors. Maybe I talked too much. Maybe I didn’t talk enough. Maybe if I had slept with him. It drove me to distraction. The “HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU” thing didn’t work for me. I needed to know WHY, as fabulous as I am, wouldn’t he be “into” me.

Funny how one conversation can change your entire life. That’s what my friend did for me. Changed my life with one thought. A simple statement that kept me from slipping into being another BBW (Bitter Black Woman). A statement that gave me the peace this man denied me of. So I share this with you, my single ladies, don’t worry about what he thinks. Don’t worry about why you weren’t “the one” for him. You are wonderfully and magnificently made, don’t try to change yourself, because the right one will come along, and love you exactly the way you are. Always remember these few words: Gay, Straight, Young, or Old some men are just assholes!


  1. Nice sentiment, but if all of your relationships wash up in the same gutter, then you are the common denominator, and you should be doing some soul-searching. Maybe you are attracted to the wrong type of men (assholes), or maybe, in your efforts to be a “non-bitter black woman,” you have become a doormat.

    Whatever it is, I encourage you to work it out before beginning another relationship. Everyone is inherently worthy of love, but everyone is not always in the right space for a healthy relationship. Especially if one is locked & loaded, ready to play the “blame game.”

    And yes, some men are total assholes, but some women are too.

  2. Great post, and 100% true. You are who you are, if someone doesn’t like it…NEXT! If you’ve found happiness in yourself, it’s not your fault. I like how you said “SOME” men, and not “ALL”. A real man would never ignore a woman and play those foolish games. I hate that too. Those are spoiled little boys that don’t know how to communicate, or handle conflict. Or as you put it…assholes!

  3. @Heavensgirl-I must say that I do have to agree with you. This is a common thing amongst women (at least in my circle). Many times, we don’t want to look in the mirror to see what is truly going on.

    I do understand that this was the point that the writer was trying to convey (wanting to look within). However, the mark was missed on this one. Again as Heavensgirl said, if all of your relationships keep ending and you aren’t the one who’s ending it, then there is a problem. It’s almost like constantly being terminated from a job and you not quitting. Something is wrong there.

    Some men are simply not ready for a real and mature relationship; some have never seen it in their lives. So many times, they flee and feel the need to stay away b/c they feel that they will have to be held accontable for leaving without an explaination. This is (im my humble opinion), what create BBW (as the writer affectionately puts it). Women don’t just wake up one day and decide to be bitter. You can EASILY become that woman that you are so not trying to be (respectfully).

    Just my take on it. All men aren’t A%%holes and all women aren’t bitter. Circumstances help shape who and what we ultimately become.

  4. I’m loving this. I often feel, and I think a lot of women, tend to blame themselves. Yes, you look at what YOU did, as the writer said, but what I understand her to be saying is…dont try to adjust yourself to please them. If they dont want to share why they leave…who cares! That’s their problem! Good for you, well put. I needed this today.

  5. I totally agree. I think you’re right. Men are always quick to tell us we need to think like them…What I got from it is, if you like yourself why change? Someone will come that will accept you exactly the way you are. AT least that’s what I took from the article. For the writer…sorry the guy ignored you, I’ve been there befrore, and I know personally how much that hurts. I don’t know why men do that, other than they are just cowards. I pray you work thru it, and follow your friend’s advice. That is HIS issue, and if he isn’t man enough to discuss it, to give you that closure, than he is truly an asshole! Also, I think it may have been missed on some, but I love how you say “SOME” men, and not all men. I think you’re going to be okay. LOL

  6. Never consider yourself the COMMON DENOMINATOR when being yourself. You are who you are. Be that person and maybe one day you will connect with a person who can relate and you both can establish a joint, respectful balance in the relationship..communication being #1


    Did all the wonderful sweet-nothings cease to exist AFTER intimacy? Hmmm.something to ponder. However, it doesn’t seem like he wanted you to know who he was over a longer period of time, he took the cowardly highroad and just ran off. Let him stay in the wind. In the meantime, ask yourself why a relationship is of high importance and if your self esteem is so intact you would be able to withstand another breakup.

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