Good Black Men and Unicorns

There is a new minority in this country. A country filled with people of all sizes, shapes, races. A country who’s creed involve the words… bring us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses. The new minority, which is quickly becoming a majority is, the BBW’s…Bitter Black Women. We are your poor, your tired, and your huddled masses. We are the ones “holding it down” supporting these “men” that the world has turned their back on. We are the population that held on, and held out for our turn… waiting for the day the Black man would stand up, and protect us, take care of us, honor and keep us. Treat us as the queens we are because he has always been our King.

What happened? I’ve long been a supporter of our men. I’ve cherished them. I’ve praised him when other’s fled. I’ve scoffed at statements like: “Get you a White man girl, cause Brotha’s ain’t gonna do right.” How ridiculous I thought. Put the blame where it belongs…on you (remember…Why Buy the Cow…) men will treat you the way you allow them. A “no-good man” can be any race, just as a good man can be ANY race.

I was having my monthly “Girl’s Night Out” and the conversation, along with the drinks, were flowing.

Friend #1: “I don’t date Black men anymore because they only want White women, and the ones that will date a Black Queen, just want someone to live off of.”

Oh No.

Me: “That’s not a fair statement. There are sorry men of all colors out there; you just have to not settle for whatever comes your way.”

Then a question was posed to me:

“Kirbs… how many “good” Black men do you know? How many Black men have treated you like the fabulous Queen that you are?” Now, the person asking this question is a friend of mine, so the question was basically rhetorical.

Friend #2: “Aren’t you the same girl that was being chatted up by a guy, until your White friend Debbi came up behind you? Didn’t you just have a Black man verbally abuse you? Didn’t that same Black man leave you for a 19 year old on welfare?”

Me: “Yes, but…”

Friend #1 “… And aren’t they still together, and don’t they have a baby now?”

Friend #2 “… And didn’t he turn out to be a pimp?! Didn’t that same pregnant 19 year old agree to whore for him?”

Friend #1 “… And how the heck did you meet a Pimp! Kirbs…a P.I.M.P…Really?”

Friend #3 “… And weren’t you talking to a guy that chose a girl living in the projects, with 5 kids that weren’t his and no job over you?”

Me: “Okay… what is your point?”

Friend #2 “The point is, after all of that, and then some…how can you still defend them? They beat us. They curse us. They take our money. They don’t take care of their kids. They don’t marry us. They cheat on us…with anybody and anything. Yet, we stand by them, and yes, because we have no other choice.”

Me: “There is always a CHOICE. Choose to love yourself. Chose to be choosy. Chose to not be a doormat. When did being alone become a dirty word? I’d rather be alone than with someone and unhappy. Stop “spreading” for everyone and have some pride.”

Friend #3 “Everyone isn’t as strong as you, we can’t all be abstinent Kirbs, and you’ve said a million times White men don’t date us the way our men date White women. So again, the question is how many, F@#! Good, how many DECENT Black men do you know?”

I had lost control of the room. I had 3 friends looking at me, and while hostile, and unbelieving I could come up with an answer, I could see they REALLY wanted me to. I could see grief on their faces. I could see the “tiredness”. I could see past pains and old hurts. I could see that no matter what they had been thru with prior significant others, and the disdain they were feeling for our men, they still wanted desperately to believe that a Good Black Man did exist. A King, for all of us Queens that were holding it down. For us that didn’t go out and have babies with random men. For us that went to school, went to work, set goals for ourselves, and are working to achieve them.

I suddenly felt panic. I’m 30-something, and even with a few horrific experiences under my belt, I still managed to avoid being a BBW. I still believed in the Black man. I believed in God, and His word tells me if I follow Him I shall inherit all the blessings of His Kingdom. I follow Him! His word didn’t say anything about my King being Black. Yet, I’m standing here before my sisters who often look to me for the answer; I couldn’t let them down…

Do I have a better chance of finding a unicorn than a Good Black Man? Now, even I was confused. I thought of a past boyfriend, and his horrible treatment of me. I could feel the BBW rising in my body. Think Kirby think…Surely, there is someone that has appreciated you…

Then it hit me… Yes… I know good Black Men…

Leon Kirby… my Dad, the greatest man in the World. I can’t speak for what kind of husband he is, but he is a fabulous daddy. Bishop Kirby, my brother…Husband, father, friend, Man of God. Countless male friends… All good BLACK MEN… Men I can look at, call friend, and be proud. Black men, all employed, all leading productive lives.

In a day when a “Good Black Man” has become as elusive and as fabled as unicorns, I can stand up and say: “Yes, I’m single. Maybe, I haven’t found the “one” for me, but I have met and befriended men of substance. Men that are “holding it down” and taking care of their business. Men, that aren’t beating, cursing, and using us. Men that honor and cherish us. Men that may not have been “my” blessing, but have been a blessing for another Black Queen.”

Yes, I do know good Black men… I have never seen a unicorn.


  1. Whether black women want to admit it to themselves or not, black men think about family, community and love differently than other races do.

    Only in the black community will a sista be told that having sex or living with a man before marriage automatically equals no marriage at all.

    How many people do you know who enter marriage never having at least had sex? Most married people I know (of several diff. races) did live together and did before marriage all the things they did after marriage.

    The point of this article it seems to me is to always tell black women that the fault is theirs. “See, if you hadn’t given him the whole cow he would have bought the milk.”

    I have also noticed that in the black community, a black woman is looked down upon if she has a baby by a man. I remember vividly on twitter the rumor Lil Wayne had proposed to his white girlfriend. The first thing blacks did was claim the white girl played her cards right by not getting pregnant, thus giving Wayne an incentive to really want to marry her.

    Read what I just wrote carefully sistas.

    In other communities, a woman gains status when she mothers a man’s child. If the man hasn’t married her he is expected to and pushed to. But in the black community a woman having a man’s child is looked upon as a REASON FOR HIM TO LEAVE HER.

    Rather than a black man wanting to marry the mother of his child, he wants to run away, where we all know he will just impregnate someone else.

    Like the author, I have plenty of black men in my life who treat me well too. How they treat their women and children I can tell you is another story. The fact that the only good black men the author knows are related to her is proof that she knows none.

    Black women love making excuses for black men while black men love making excuses for themselves only. The world notices how he treats his women and children and when asked why his excuse is there is something wrong with his woman and by extension the children he has with that woman.

    Black men not only play up stereotypes about black women to justify their unquenchable thirst for other races of women, they create the stereotypes. The angry black woman, the baby mama, the gold digger, the hoot rat- all names black men thought up to keep from telling the world that he lusts to be anything but what he is: BLACK.
    Are there black men out there who are good? Who cares! The numbers are not in the black woman’s favor when it comes to finding him.

    I am a huge proponent of finding love where you can because I did. When I stopped searching for that MYTHICAL BLACK KING, I found just what I needed: an ordinary good man.

    Men of other races are open to dating black women, despite what we have been led to believe. Let me tell you sistas, a white man will push Beyonce and Rihanna down a flight of stairs to get to Kelly Rowland. They love brown skin women especially. The very women black men loathe and hate.

    Your best chance of finding a good non-black man is to seek higher education. In school you will find men who aren’t threatened by your career goals and who actually applaud them. You will also find men who are on the same path as you.

    Remember, you don’t need the entire race of men to like you, you just need to find your ONE.

    Whereas black men will take any piece of white and light trash she can find, men of other races will not do the same. This makes them smart and one of the reasons why interracial marraiges involving black women/white man have a higher statistical chance of surviving, while those involving black/white women do not.

    Go to school sistas. Educate yourselves. Stop believing in fairytales like Black Kings.

  2. @Safari…I’m wondering if we read the same article? The writer actually said she knows countless good black men, literally said that, and are friends with many of them, and that she’s never seen a unicorn. It seems that you went on somehat of a tirade, and then ended with black kings being a fairytale. I do believe, like what I think the author was saying, that there are millions of black men that are kings, and if you know what you want and don’t settle for just anything the right one will come into your life. I love love love this article!!!!

  3. Wow, this was awesome. Very funny and well writen! @Leah, I agree with you too. For the writer, good job, keep the faith, there are a lot of us out here that still believe in the black king…and the fairytale for that matter. This was great!

  4. … and as long you keep believing in fairytales you will continue to be alone.

    Live in neverland all you want, but please don’t ask the rest of us to live there with you.

    Geez. I thought black women were getting smarter.

    Dumb bitches need to step aside. Its a new day and intelligent black women will no longer fall for the okey-doke.

    Go sell your fairytale somewhere else.

  5. Again I say “Yikes!”. I thought the point of this magazine, and the article was the upliftment of “our” people, not a slam book where we resort to calling other women “dumb *******”, or only publishing certain comments. It’s not even that serious. I try to be a positive person, and that’s what I got…from the writer atleast. I now truly understand what the writer meant by BBW. Wow!

  6. It’s funny how people can read the same things, and form such different opinions. I guess it just depends on what your attitude is: positive or negative.

  7. If you were confidant in your argument you wouldn’t feel the need to be posting under two names.

  8. Is this an argument? I thought it was a blog. I followed a link on my homeboys facebook page. What the hecki? @Leah…I’m on my way to church, but since we’re the same person, I’m sure you knew that. LOL!

  9. Fairy tales do come true. I am 66 and just remarried to a wonderful Black man that treats me like a Queen. Never dated outside my race and had no desire to. It ain’t nothing like a brother’I don’t care how long it takes you just can’t settle.Good Black men are out there,is is good to make yourself available to meet them.I talk to nice men all the time at the gym!

  10. You want a black woman to wait until she’s damn near dead like you to find a good man? Chile pleeeze.

    One, I ain’t buying your story.

    Two, make yourself available. You think black women don’t make themselves available enough to black men? If anything they are too available. Black women couldn’t get any more available unless they oiled up and threw themselves over the wall of a prison.

    Take your tired and lame story somewhere else. You’re just another black male apologist.

  11. You are no better than that black man for making excuses why he dates outside of his race and puts black women down to justify what he is doing when it is totally not necessary. You like who you like and they happen to be outside of your race that is fine as well. But you don’t have to put people down or make up excuses as to why you do what you do when you do it just do it.

  12. you did notice the writer said her friends, brother and father…no one that she WOULD have a intimate relationship with…but on a more positive note, there are some good brother out there and yes the picking is slim to none but not non existing…let try to remember everyone will not look like Denzel Washington you may have to take an Urkel but if he good to you what the problem..everyone will not be balling out of control like Jay Z but if he can afford to take you on a 3 day vacation to Bahamas isnt it worth it and his body may not look like Trey Songz but with a couple of good meals and a 5 minute work out plan you can get your Wiz Khalia a little muscle and meat…if you get someone that good to you and I mean really good to you..the one that get your hair done because you wig is looking crazy right now, go for it..or the one that see you are need of a good massage and on friday he picks you up with roses in the seat take you to the spa and get the mani/pedi and massage done with a follow up at your favorite restaurant or the suprise roses or chocolate covered strawberry delivered to your office because yesterday you were so mad at your boss, customer or co worker and just like that you got a smile on your face and you cant wait to get off of work and SHOW him how much that meant to you…I leave it at there but when looking for a King ladies let be realistic…know what you want and dont want, know what your willing to compromise and what you are not having…and communicate and LISTEN to the man..I hate when a man tells you he not ready or he only wants and you done make up some fairy tale in YOUR head not his…dating is fun and finding the right is an amazing feat..good luck ladies

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