Is Your Man Cheating with Another Man a Deal Breaker?

DOWN LOW CHEATS

Unfortunately, infidelity is a HUGE problem in many relationships nowadays, in and out of marriage. For some reason, at one point or another, many people experience a cheating partner/spouse and are left wondering what to do.

This topic is very interesting to me because as I continue to grow and learn, God is showing me:
1) As a human, I have a limited amount of knowledge
AND
2) I don’t know everything I think I do

Now, why at the mere age of 23 I believed I had a handle on this thing called life is beyond me. When it came to dating, relationships, infidelity, etc. I just knew my beliefs were right. But again, like any good and loving Father, God has been showing me, “You really don’t know anything.”

Take our topic of infidelity: I used to put cheating into a one-size-fits all category. A+B=C, i.e. a mate/partner + cheating/cheated= end of relationship. I had my mind made up that if a person loved you 1) he/she would never be unfaithful and 2) if the person did the relationship should immediately be terminated because he/she clearly demonstrated your value (or lack thereof) in the person’s life. There were no ifs, ands, or buts; cheating was a black-and-white issue with me.

Oh, the mind of the young, naïve and inexperienced!

There I was, a young woman believing I had the “formula” for relationships 1) having never experienced really bad things with men and 2) having only been in one, what you can classify as, “real” committed relationship. I’ve heard stories from family and friends about how badly men have dogged and played them, and though I’ve had a few eye openers and learned lessons, I honestly had never really had my heart broken or have been betrayed or hurt by a man I loved and trusted. How did I think I knew it all never having walked in the “bad relationships” shoes before? You see the error in my ways? Thank God for correction!

I’ve come to learn that cheating is not a black-and-white issue nor does it have a universal solution. A + B doesn’t always equal C, but it’s more like the product of A +B is going to differ from person to person, situation to situation, and relationship to relationship. Because cheating can have varying degrees, and therefore, varying levels of how it’s viewed and handled. Here are a few real-life examples that have helped recently open my eyes:

Example #1
Girl dates boy off and on for the past seven years. Girl and boy have a falling out (not a breakup). Boy cheats on girl by having sex with another girl. Yet, in the past, Girl became emotionally attached to other men.

Example #2
After a 4-year relationship and talks of marriage, Boy confesses to Girl that during the first two years of their relationship he was unfaithful; yet since confessing his sin and moving forward with God, he has been 100 percent faithful every since.

Example #3
Wife is very busy in professional school working toward degree. Husband feels neglected and finds sexual comfort in another woman.

Example #4
Husband comes home late every night and doesn’t want to make love to Wife anymore. After investigating, Wife discovers Husband in bed with another man.

You see how different each situation is? And these are all just basic outlines; each has details that make the situations much more complicated. And as I keep hearing about infidelity more and more, whether it be in general or from loved ones, I’ve begun to wonder if cheating is/ should really be a deal breaker like I had always thought?

Ladies, I want to specifically ask your opinion about the last example because this is becoming a prevalent issue in society. You wouldn’t believe the number of men I’ve heard about or come into contact with who are “experimenting.” The recent Mister Cee scandal is a perfect example. These men, out of curiosity they say, are doing sexual things with other men…just “experimenting.” They don’t think they’re gay; they just want to “try it out.”

And now so many women are left confused because if being cheated on and having your trust betrayed isn’t bad enough, now you’re throwing a whole different ball into the game. I mean, I’ve always imagined how hurt and in shock I’d be if my man was ever unfaithful, but if he was unfaithful with another man? Wow.

So, in the spirit of stepping back, being more open minded, and embracing that fact that I am still learning and don’t know everything, I really want to know your take on this ladies. Is cheating an end all? Is it truly once a cheater always a cheater? Or does everyone deserve a second chance?

And to take it a step further, does the “degree” of the indiscretion influence your reaction to infidelity? Would you, as a woman, feel the same way about your man cheating on you with a man as you would him cheating on you with another woman? Is cheating cheating, no matter what? Or are some cases worse than others?

After seeing this issue of supposed heterosexual men cheating on women with other men arise so much lately, it definitely made me question my response if ever in this situation. Maybe I’m not fully there yet, but I can be honest and say that for me it would definitely be different than if it were a female; and it would most certainly be a deal breaker—no questions asked. What about all of you?

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BIO
Service is her passion, writing is her platform, uplifting women and the Black Community is her purpose. Shala Marks is a writer, editor and soon-to-be author. Through her work, Marks aspires to demonstrate “The Craft of Writing, and the Art of Efficacy.” She has a B.A. in journalism from Arizona State University. Connect with her at: http://shalamarks.com/.

9 Comments

  1. Growing up as a young girl in the patriarchial South, where men controlled women and their households completely and divorce was never an option (probably because of finances) I saw men cheating all the time AND their wives never thought of leaving them. EVER! Where would she go with more than 5 babies clinging to her???

    So now as a woman, I dont sit around worrying what a man does with his sex life, as long as he is not neglecting me, or making me unhealthy and the woman is not disrespecting me by calling my house to gloat about it, and he is not staying out all night.

    Why would I put him out when if he didnt want me, he’d just leave?

    So stop doing that girls, but if you catch him, raise a big ruckus and demand your diamond LOL LOL Got me one last year, after he had put in 12 great years!

    I never thought I’d cheat but I did. And it took nothing away from him, and I never for once thought of leaving my man for a second. He never found out about it. Only did it once or twice.

    Realized that no one can replace him, and he knows no one can replace me.

  2. My approach to cheating has never been that of, “if he cheats, that’s the end!” Instead, I’ve opted to go for the reason behind why the cheating took place to begin with and base my decision from there.

    Now I’ve never knowingly been cheated on (operative word is knowingly), and I consider myself blessed. But, even if I had known, knowing the type of person that I am I probably wouldn’t have left. If having sex with someone outside of me is the straw to break our relationship, then to me, it wasn’t worth much to begin with. No I’m not condoning cheating but going outside getting you some from somewhere else isn’t the end all be all.

    HOWEVER, this cannot nor will not become a habit within our relationship. I’m no fool. Being with someone and being in love is not going to stop you from being attracted to others physically or sexually. Much like the author, I was young and thought I knew it all as well but after being married for 6 years, I quickly saw that mentality go to hell in a hand basket. I was constantly seeing men wthat I was aroused by and couldn’t understand as a married women, why I was attracted to them.

    I think if I knew that my man was being intimate (not sex) with another woman, that is what would do it for me. The physical act itself doesn’t get me up in arms. But sharing intimacy with another woman and giving her the very things that I hold sacred to you away, I would leave.

  3. This is an interesting topic, especially the comments. Give me a minute to evaluate my thoughts and I will provide my opinions also. Good topic Shala…

  4. Hold UP! I just realized you said ‘ IS YOUR MAN, CHEATING WITH ANOTHER MAN A DEAL BREAKER’

    AND THE ANSWER IS

    Hell yes! and Double Triple yes. Jesus Christ!

    I cant even stand to know that my man’s man parts might have been in touch with a nasty woman’s parts(a woman who sleeps around or doesn’t have good hygiene), so the thought of his tool being near a man’s nasty butt would shut my lady lust OFF!!! way off never to return.

    Yuck unclean filty.

  5. There is a new show on Discovery called Swingers. I havent been able to watch it much but the blk guy seems to find every reason to get mad when his girlf seems to be interested in another man’s sex, when they meet and greet to try and hookup LOL

    I think most people who think they want swinging probably act this way.

    There was a black couple on the Tricia show who did a 3some with one of her girlf and she said she was a spectator during the whole thing and her husband of 15 yrs showed her no attention and never came to her side of the bed LOL LOL

  6. Sorry about the first comment; it sent before I finished typing!

    Anyway, @BARBARA your second comment is hilarious! And @Valerie that show sounds crazy

  7. If your man cheats with another man……he’s gay. So of course that would be a deal breaker. I think the title of the article is misleading.
    Your man cheating with another man is different than him cheating with a woman because it questions his sexuality.
    Our community isn’t very accepting of homosexuals, which is why many brothers are down low, and why black women along with homosexuals have the hightest HIV statistics. These men sleep with men and come home to their women.
    Love who you love, but be honest about who you are.

  8. I agree with Chris for the most part. I however do not believe the hype that black folks are more homophobic than the rest of society. I find black folks more accommodating if anything, especially when people are honest. There are far too many narcissistic sociopaths who will screw anything and refuse to be honest, even with themselves, about their appetites and sexuality.

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