Janet Didn’t Tell, Would You?

Janet Jackson Originally I was going to make this article the topic of our Talk To Me Tuesday’s feature, but decided to post it today instead. What I want to do is tackle an issue that many of you here may be familiar with. I have experienced it and as it turns out, so has Janet Jackson. For those of you who are not Janet fans and have no idea what I’m talking about- I will fill you in. For years there have been rumors that Janet and her former choreographer Tina Landon had a falling out over a man. Some speculated Tina tried to get a little too close to Janet’s former husband Renee Elizondo, thus prompting Janet to fire Tina and pen a song about it- 2001’s “You Ain’t Right”, from the “All For You CD”.

As I said, for years Janet fans could only speculate who the song was about or why Janet and Tina fell out. The speculation ended however when Janet appeared on Oprah last week to promote her new Tyler Perry film, Why Did I Get Married? Janet spoke of losing a friend because she didn’t reveal the fact that she knew the friend’s boyfriend was cheating. And though Janet never mentions Tina’s name, Tina, on her website, confirmed that she was who Janet was talking about.

Now this post isn’t about Janet or Tina really, but rather what would you all do if you were in Janet’s situation.

I had this very conversation with my ex’s sisters and mother some years ago. I of course, at 19, said I would tell. While my sisters and mom said they wouldn’t. I didn’t understand at the time why a woman wouldn’t tell her friend that her man was cheating. However, as I got older I quickly came to understand why.

Most women when they find out they have been cheated on do not leave their men. They forgive those men and stay with them. The man usually will grill the woman about how she found out and most likely that woman will give you up. This then creates a rift between you and your friend’s man as he will no longer want you around, feeling you stuck your nose in his business. So now your friend has a choice to make. Will she stay friends with you or will she do as her man wants and cut you loose? I think we all know the answer to that question and that is why you don’t tell. In the end, women always stick by their men and you will have only gained an enemy and lost a friend in the process of trying to do the right thing.

But that’s just my opinion- and what I really want is to hear yours.

29 Comments

  1. Most women when they find out they have been cheated on do not leave their men.

    ^^^ 1st of all this isn’t always the case. Not all women are gonna stay with and tolerate their cheating men. 2nd, telling a friend that their man has been unfaithful all depends on the kind of friendship that exists between the two. Is it a mutual friendship or a casual friendship? I wouldn’t reveal to a friend that her man was cheating if we weren’t that close of friends to begin with because for one I might become the bad guy in the situation instead of her man because her man might deny the allegations and she would be left torn and have to choose sides and it would only escalate into more drama. Who needs more drama in their lives? If it was my best friend I would probably tell, and if your gonna tell it should be supported and backed up by evidence. I for one would want my TRUE friends to tell me if my man was snooping around on me. I also think that women who turn on their friends after they tell them their man has been cheating, in which cases they really were cheating are in denial and to stay with a cheating man is just foolish.

  2. Is this the same guy that proposed to Tina while on stage during the Janet Tour?

  3. “Most women when they find out they have been cheated on do not leave their men. They forgive those men and stay with them. The man usually will grill the woman about how she found out and most likely that woman will give you up. This then creates a rift between you and your friend’s man as he will no longer want you around, feeling you stuck your nose in his business. So now your friend has a choice to make. Will she stay friends with you or will she do as her man wants and cut you loose? I think we all know the answer to that question and that is why you don’t tell. In the end, women always stick by their men and you will have only gained an enemy and lost a friend in the process of trying to do the right thing.”
    ________________________________________________________________________________

    If that’s the case, then that’s a damn shame! Women who stupidly choose their cheating man over their close friend shows how low her self-esteem is…that she’s also in denial! I mean whatever happened to “men come and go, but girlfriends are forever”? I would have more to say, but I just got up…I’ll have more to say on this later.

  4. Are you guys familiar with the MTV reality show “The Hills”? When Spencer was fooling around, Lauren thought she was a good friend by telling Heidi. But the result is she lost her BFF Heidi and won Spencer as an enemy. You’re true, Heidi went back with Spencer (even after watching it on TV) and she and Lauren aren’t friends anymore. Y’all know the story. 😐

  5. However, I am sure that if Lauren didn’t tell Heidi, Heidi would be so mad at Lauren and question her friendship with her.

  6. Maybe it is just me, but I don’t stick my nose into my friends’ relationships. And I never offer unsolicited advice or opinions when it comes to their significant others. So, no, I wouldn’t mention it.

  7. I usually never posts comments to these sites but I could not resist this topic. When it comes to telling a friend about a cheating man, it does not have anything to do with the quality of your friendship with the woman. Whether or not you should tell depends on what type of woman you are dealing with. We all know how are girlfriends are and you know if you have a girlfriend with low their self-esteem is. You know if your girlfriend is so desperate not to be alone that they will take anything from a man. If you know that you have one of these girlfriends then there is not point in telling them.

    That is how I used to feel, however, now in 2007 with all of the sexually transmitted diseases out there I would definitely tell my girlfriend if I knew her man was cheating. I would tell her because if I didn’t and she came to me later telling me she had AIDs I would always wonder if telling would have saved her life.

  8. Nine times out of ten if a man is cheating, we know about it anyway. You dont need anybody to tell you. At the same time some chics are just blinded by love or by the way he’s laying the pipe down that they refuse to see the signs. Any woman that stays with a man that knows he’s cheating has low self esteem. I’d probably mind my business as well. That’s between them, sooner or later the truth always comes out. If its a true friend one would probably feel betrayed, understandably.That’s why I keep my Man and my friends seperate. I learned that early.

  9. I think that if the woman is a close friend, then of course you should tell. I dont consider many people close friends. I have three women that I consider close friends that I would tell. For one, I know that two of them would never tell that I was the one who told, and as far as the third one, I’m not sure, but I would still tell cause I would want someone to inform me if my man was cheating. If I lose a friend, at least I know that I did what I felt was right in my heart to do. No woman wants to be played for a fool and if I can help, I would. If it is not a close friend, I wouldn’t tell cause Im not too concerned with their personal life anyways. But a true close friend, you care about their personal feelings because if they are close like I am close to mine, and you have been a part of there life for many years, Its almost like they are a part of you, so when someone is seemingly a part of you, you hurt, when they hurt, therefore, its offensive to me as well if they are being cheated on…. Its like cheatin on me too you know. LOL But hey thats just me!!!

  10. I answered this question as if it were me that was being cheated on. I’m 25 and still if my friend knew that I was being cheated on, s/he better tell me. The only way that I would understand if I wasn’t told is if the person and my boyfriend were better friends than me and that person. Other than that I want to be told and if s/he wants to get mad that I told on them, then whatever. If the one that was getting cheated on ends up not hanging around me anymore because they chose to stay with the cheater and the cheater is mad at me then that’s fine too because we obviously didn’t have as good of a friendship as I thought. A doubtful friend is worse than a certain enemy.

  11. I’m confused because on another the blog they said their friendship broke up because Janet knew that Tina’s boyfriend at that time was cheating on her she (Janet) didn’t say anything .

    so many conflicting stories. well anyway however it goes i would tell her because she’s my friend and in my book that what friends do

  12. We’ll first of all I would go to my friend’s man and advised him to Man Up by telling her what he’s been doing behind her back. If he’s scared to tell her than he’s really not much of a man in the first place. He wasn’t scared to cheat, right? If he wasn’t satisfied with her then should of broke it off with her.

    If he doesn’t tell her the truth, then I will. Nobody has a right to be deceived. Like Rotonda Porter said what if she end up having HIV/AIDS from that loser. That right there would put me in a guilt trip forever, if I didn’t tell her. I would definitely want someone to tell me if my man was sneaking around behind my back. If I lose my friend for telling her, well that would tell me that our friendship wasn’t about anything and that she’s the dumb-n-desperate one.
    Even if she stays with the guy and our friendship is broken, I would still tell her to get an HIV test and make him use a condomn plus get and HIV test. I advised that to all my male/female friends anyway.

  13. I agree with you Step but although I wouldn’t straigh out tell my friend I would do my best to find a way to get her to realize what’s goinging on herself.

  14. Oh Testify!!! I been through this before especially in college. I learned not to get in anybody’s relationship, it never goes right. However lately I see myself giving out advice only to see it agreed then ignored…I don;t care if you are my best friend…I have nuthing to say about your man…however with social sites being s popular and technology being so advanced, there are other ways to get the story to your friend. If you see ur girl man cheating or have heard about him cheating…GET PROOF! Your word aint nuthin after he starts spitting that game to her. Take a pic, send it to her, get a recording of a convo…anything! Send i anomynously. When she comes to you, comfort her and keep it moving. Everything that was said in the original post is absolutely how it will go down. So yes I agree that she needs to know but I dont agree on how she finds out!

    This isnt the same but it is similiar…

    I recently found out tha my ex was having sex with me this chick…Now I had my suspicions but I didnt know for sure. Instead of asking her (because she wouldnt have told me, some chicks are ignorant) I sat him down to grill him about it, while he was denying her , I called her number and let our convo be recorded on her voicemail! Now call me petty, immature or whatever…I could careless, because it ended up coming out and the truth was out. The girl actually thought she was his girl and I was just a friend, as vice versus…she ened up saying that she wouldnt have believed me If I told her and she’s glad she heard it for herself. Point is…get the proof!

  15. undecided depends on my g/f state of emotions and mind. if she isn’t a vulernable weak person then possibly but if she were then nope!

  16. I THINK I would tell my friend….. no, hold up…. I’ve actually experienced this, being on both sides. In high school, everybody new my bf was cheating w/ a “friend” of mine but no one told me, none of my best girlfriends that knew and when I found out they knew… I WAS PISSED 😡 and I wasn’t as close to them anymore and slowly seperated myself from them.

    Fast forward three years later, my brother and I were living together as he did a summer internship. I somewhat witnessed him cheating with a female who was not his girlfriend. His girlfriend and I were (still are) best friends (she was my brothers girl first though). Anyways, two years later, when she confronted me with the probability of me knowing for sure if my brother cheated during that summer…. I said, “No, he didn’t.” :confused:
    Well, they stayed together for another three years and now they are married (2 yrs. deep).
    So….. I still don’t know if I’d tell but I defitnitely want to be told or that could be THE END of our friendship( if I find out my homegirl knows).

  17. Most women when they find out they have been cheated on do not leave their men. They forgive those men and stay with them.

    ^^ Definitely NOT the women I hang with, they left the cheaters all the time. We’re like a mafia, you can’t mess with either one of us, we tell EVERYTHING. So yes I would tell. That was the case BACK THEN with the old mentality, that’s how your mom and grandma felt because women of her era depended on men 80 to 100% and were only considered worthy if they “could keep” one. If that was the case, Janet wouldn’t have lost a friend because of keeping the secret. But to be completely honest I think it just depend on the person. When you hear songs like “I don’t wanna know” by Mario Winans, many men’d rather not know too. It has nothing to do with “women”, nothing to do with gender, each case is unique. Generalizing is too easy. But I’d rather lose a friend because I TOLD than lose her because I DIDN’T. I won’t cover up no damn cheater.

  18. There was a time that I would have said “Yes I’d tell” however time and maturity has taught me to mind my own business. I would want some one to tell me though, only if the source is reliable because some women just like to medal (did I spell that right) 😆

  19. There was a time when I would ahve said yes as well but now Ii don’t really know …. MY best friends boyfriend tried to sleep with me and I refused and I never told my her becasue I know she wouldn’t leave him, she would belive me but I just swept it under the rug. COme to find out he ended up telling her he tried to sleep with me but I declined and she never said anything to me about it but he told me he told her and I felt so bad because I didn’t unveil it..we are still friends but we just don’t talk about it. so i guess i just depends on the person///

  20. It is easier to leave a cheating BOYFRIEND. But a HUSBAND? After investing all of your time, effort, finances and children into a marriage… I don’t think the wise thing to do is up and leave. The mature thing to do is to find a way to work it out, first! If he’s not remorseful or doesn’t make a significant change, then leave his :booty:

    But a BOYFRIEND has no REAL obligation to you and visa versa. SEX or baby drama is not an obligation

  21. Oh, I forgot to add…

    I wouldn’t tell anyone that their mate is cheating. A women knows when her man has strayed. It’s up to her to address the issue 😎

  22. :noway: I have been in the exact situation before and Janet did the right thing. Her friend is the one who lost out. Janet was looking out for her best interest by not telling her. Besides, WE ALL KNOW that if she had told her she would have ran her mouth to her dude. So either way she would have been upset with her right? In the future if she’s a real friend she will reach out to Janet and apologize. That is when she is no longer brain washed by ol’ dude!

  23. I think it was selfish of Janet not to tell… She didn’t want to lose the girl friend neither the male friend. She didn’t want to get in between the two and be blamed in the end.
    But if the girl friend would get upset after telling her that her man is cheating- then she is no real friend. I’m sure Tina got upset cause Janet thought Tina would get upset and then just didn’t tell. Or that Janet didn’t seem to care even tough her friend was played like a fool. I think Janet was Weak in this situation!

    What if the man got some disease from that other girl. No matter how much I wouldn’t want Myself to get involved in anyone’s business I would still not want to see my friend being played like a fool and being in a risk of getting some disease. I would take the risk to lose a friend because I cared so much about my friend that I would not want to see her living a lie and being used by a man.

  24. Tina is stupid. She’s tripping off of Janet b/c Janet wouldn’t tell her about her man cheating?

    Tina lost a good gig over some fool. Hey, I know they were friends but Janet was Tina’s boss.

    Business is business so Janet didn’t have to tell her anything.

  25. First I would go to the man and give him the “You Know you’re wrong ” speech. If I see it again then he leaves me no choice but to tell on his no-good :booty:

  26. I definitely would want my friend to tell me. As for my friends, I would tell certain ones because I know which ones can handle it. I know that the other ones couldn’t handle it and we would possibly no longer be friends.

  27. All I know is, I BETTER BE TOLD! I’d tell my friend but not w/o proof (luckily these days we have the accessible equipment on hand).

    So:
    YES- I would tell

    YES- u should tell me

  28. My best friend found out her husband was cheating on her with a co-worker she was mentoring. The girl did not know he was her husband, but that didn’t matter to her; she still hurt. While everyone was telling her to leave the such-and-such, I on the other hand, told her to ask herself that question, because she was the only one who could answer it. In my opinion, most women say the popular thing, “leave him.” However, they NEVER take their own advice in the same situation. You’re dumb, but they’re smart. Use infidelity as a learning tool, not revenge. It’s easier to leave when you’re not married. Marriage is an investment, and lives {children & family} are usually at stake.
    By the way, the “affair” was emotional, rather than sexual. He was suffering with (uncontrolled) diabetes and used it as an occassion to act a fool! It is well known that diabetes causes erectile disfunction (to put it lightly), and this was his way of handling it. :banana: Denial is a **bleep**…
    Leave Kim Porter alone; we ALL know one just like her if we’re honest. :thumbsdown:
    To answer the question; it depends on the person. My best friend is like my sister. When we have something BIG to say, we just do it! Have a girls day out to ease the pain & drama.

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