You see, I have a broken heart. I know I’m not alone, and I’m in better shape than most because I have faith. I had an issue. A question: “Why do men play the “ignore game”?” That bothers me. I will not lie, I will not try to sugar coat it… it bothers me. In my quest for answers I found it bothers a lot of women. When querying my male friends I found that most of them had ignored some woman at some time in their past. Their logic was “She’ll eventually get the picture.” Really? So instead of just having a potential “uncomfortable” conversation with someone, you’d rather she be upset and hurt… possibly forever? Seriously? Now, let me clarify, there is no one worth being hurt forever over, and I’m sure most women will agree with that. I’m sure most will say they have never been that upset over a man. I ask you to watch the women who say that. Watch how they say it. Most will say it with a head roll, or at least an eye roll. Not all. But a lot.
There are a lot of bitter women, some of which don’t even know they are bitter they have been that way for so very long. It is understandable. I recently had a conversation with a male family member who could not understand why a woman he had mistreated 10 years ago was still angry with him. Yes… 10 years is an extremely long time to hold on to anger… but I understand. You take the average woman over 30 that has never been married; chances are she has been mistreated 5-10 times maybe even more. She is frustrated. She is damaged. Odds are she is bitter and heartbroken. Again, this isn’t for the few of you that will claim that you have been able to just except and move on from a bad experience with no damage, no bitterness, and no heartbreak. There are many that are just above that, and will claim women that are not to just have low self-esteem. I’m glad for them, but for those that do know what I am talking about, I have done the research for you.
My question and my pain all stems from the avoidance. Why men feel the need to leave us to wonder why they do the things they do. Why just stop calling? Why just stop answering text messages or emails… why? Why not be a man, and tell us what we did… or what we didn’t do? Why don’t they know that makes things ten times worse than they have to be? That, for me anyway, causes the pain to linger. It causes the anger to fester. In the process of asking “why”, I became angry. Why is it we, women, always have to adjust our thinking to suite them? Why are we always told to “Think like a man”? Why are they never told to “Think like a woman”? I’m tired of trying to understand why they do what they do, and figure out the game I have to play to accommodate them. It’s crazy. I don’t play the “ignore” game… I confront. I’m an adult. I want to deal with other adults. I don’t want to play crazy games. I want to talk things out. I started to wonder if I was the only person left that felt that way. A friend told me once, “If you don’t want to play games, then you don’t want to be in a relationship.” I thought that was crazy, but I’m finding it to be true.
In the process of trying to understand what happened, in my quest to force this man to talk to me, I made a complete idiot of myself. I did things I would never ordinarily do. I sent 4 emails in 6 days. I wrote 2 articles. I was consumed. I went back and forth from anger to sadness. I lost myself. Then it happened. A male associate, someone I’m not close to at all, told me the truth. The answer I finally accepted as gospel. It could have been a number of things that caused this man to not want to talk to me anymore, but the bottom line was: IT DOESN’T MATTER! Whatever his reason, that was his issue. He wasn’t man enough to tell me, and I knew I hadn’t done anything, then IT DOESN’T MATTER! I was told men do things like that all of the time, and apparently I am to accept that and just move on. While I have seen that happen to friends and coworkers in the past, it has never happened to me personally. I will admit, I had no idea how to deal with it. Surely a man wouldn’t just go to the extreme this man did, for absolutely no reason. I had to have done something, or at least he thought I had done something horrific! I couldn’t rest until I knew what that was; it could have been a misunderstanding. It never crossed my mind that he had no reason. How is that even possible?
After this conversation, which I’m still not sure made me feel any better, I had to look at myself. Why did I even care? While this male associate was explaining the “male” thought process, he advised me my “friend” thought I was crazy. Why? Well, apparently sending a man emails asking him why he was ignoring you is enough for a man to think you’re insane. Really? I thought that was funny because I thought he was insane for ignoring me… I thought he was insane for not just telling me why, that was all I was asking. I never cursed. Never accused. Only asked what I did. I did ask it 4 times, but that’s what I asked. Now, I’ve earned the stigma of “insane”. I know I’ve heard men say that about women before, we all have… ”She was crazy, she kept calling me.” Or “She just stopped by my house…” Whatever the case may be. I’ve always heard those stories from men, but I never knew it took so little to become one of those stories. The guy that was informing me, I was now that “crazy chic” was telling me a story of a girl he thought was crazy. My question of course was “What did she do?” His response: “She sent me like 3 text messages I didn’t answer, and then she came to my house asking if we could talk about what going on with us.” “Really? That’s it? You ignored her, after you had been dating her, and she wanted to talk to you about it? That made her crazy?” He was dead serious. It had been years, and he still thought she was crazy. There was no rabbit cooking on the stove. There were no calls to his job. No random fruit baskets… nothing. She just wanted to talk to him, and made four attempts to do so.
I’m evidently from a different era. For me, crazy is, sitting outside someone’s house just waiting…. It’s coming to their job and causing a scene. It’s hang up phone calls. Threatening letters. It’s looking in your rearview mirror, and seeing them following you. It’s not someone that wants to know what they did to anger you. It’s not someone making an attempt to talk to you, and possibly work things out. Sure, if it’s done many times a day over an extended amount of time… that’s obsessive. I do not condone or agree with that, but I can understand. That’s where the think like a woman comes in. While it may not matter to most men, most women like closure. Unfortunately for a lot of us, if we are robbed of that closure it will cause some to behave in ways that we ordinarily would not. It will cause multiple messages, or to show up at your job and curse you. Please DO NOT think I am saying that is an excuse for bad behavior, but we all know it happens. I brought to his attention, that if he had talked to that girl, he may not have gotten the following messages. She may not have felt the need to come to his home. Had my “friend” talked to me after the first email… he wouldn’t have gotten the second, and certainly not the fourth. This was certainly a hard lesson for me to learn, but a necessary one. I will never pursue a man past one message, because I don’t want to be that “crazy” girl. I’ve never really been one to listen to a man call another woman crazy, but if I ever hear that again, I will certainly demand more details. Most importantly, and I hope those that are unaware get this, and I pray it helps someone the way it helped me: IT DOESN’T MATTER!