Letter to the Other Woman

I hope that this letter finds you in a better place than of the one where we met.  It was an unfortunate discovery that we both shared and loved the same man.  And while he chose me in the end, I didn’t feel victorious.  I felt sorry for you.

As a woman, I wanted to address you for knowingly participating in a relationship with an attached man but I did not.  I addressed him.  As a woman, I was raised to believe that whether you knew or not, my beef was with him.  He allowed the disrespect.  As a woman, I felt sorry for you because you were OK with being the other woman.  Who does that?  Oh, right–you!

I didn’t get it.  I actually thought you were pretty and full of potential.  But from what I’ve heard, you didn’t see that in yourself. 

Needless to say, I didn’t address you.  I let you and him go.  I’ve seen you around and after a few years, it or you don’t even bother me anymore.  Besides a mom or grandmother, I pride myself in being the only woman that a man concerns himself with.  Whatever you and I shared — he was a boy.

Years have passed and while I haven’t had to deal with you since, I’ve seen my friends have their own versions of you.  I don’t get it.  Are there schools where you all attend and graduate with different degrees?  There’s the one that kind of knew but didn’t know, knew but didn’t care and the one that was completely in the dark.

And those of you who knew but didn’t care, have gone to extreme measures to prove that bitch is a lifestyle that everyone represent like you.  Like seriously, are you texting the “wife” to remind her that her man was with you and how stupid she is for not knowing?  Or how about giving her advice on how to keep a man.  Really?

I scratched my head every time one of these stories got back to me.  I had to think of reasons why my friends shouldn’t entertain you or why they shouldn’t give into temptation to slap the life out of you.  Because at that point, it’s bigger than his disrespect, it’s your knowledge of disrespect and continuation of the behavior.  Yall go hard in the paint.  And as much as you deserve an old fashioned azz whipping, you’re not worth it.

What do you guys get out of this?  A couple of steak dinners, some occasional you know what and a pair of hooker boots?  Because often times, you’re not the one he’s parading around in public.

So why do yall keep doing it?  I don’t know, but I wish each of you saw the beauty and potential inside of yourselves.  Someone can and will love you and it doesn’t have to be another woman’s man. You don’t have to like me, but damn have some respect for yourself.

To each his own.  Literally. 

-Ashley Charisma is the author of School of Black Love. For more info on Ashley Charisma and the novel visitwww.ashleycharisma.com.

You can also follow Ashley Charisma on:
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  1. That’s the letter many women wish they would have written at some point in their lives.

  2. Wow. This is really a complicated subject here. I think at one time we have all been the other woman, sometimes willingly. Low self esteem isn’t always the issue either. As a matter of fact, I think it is rarely the issue. Not everyone has the same set of social values and thus what one person may think is scandalous another may think is the norm. Sometimes its just about fun and enjoyment. Being with a man you enjoy spending time with while expecting and not wanting anything more. The great thing about a side chick or mistress is that she has no demands. She is already full and doesn’t come into the relationship looking to be fulfilled like many women do. She wants an easy good time and so do most men. It is as simple as that. Name calling isn’t needed.

  3. Really?This is a brand new year and people are still having silly issues, The “other woman” will be glad to know that she lives rent free in your mind, even YEARS after the fact.

    As for me i do not entertain , Mistresses, side line chicks, or whatever they call these Jezebels and i am certainly not wasting 20 minutes of my life writing to someone who probably can’t read above 3rd grade level anyway; I also praise The lord above for a good man that doesn’t believe in cheating, because god forbids i become obsessed with someone below me.

  4. Let me preface this by saying, I’m not an other woman; I’m a wife. And as a WIFE (not an “attached woman”…what in the hell is that?), I wish someone would write you a letter saying that they feel sorry for YOU for staying with a cheating man. Although, unless you are married, is it really cheating? I mean, from the sound of the letter, you still aren’t married to the man.

    I agree — other women are fools…but the woman who stays with the man is an even bigger one IMO. Where is the SELF respect???

  5. Is this the same Smokie who admitted to feeling superior to black women who aren’t married?

  6. @ Smokie This was stated in the letter “Needless to say, I didn’t address you. I let you and him go.”

  7. @Smokie:
    Committing or promising to do so period Binds you to obey to some rules,(Maybe not legally but even oral agreement are admissible in court Marriage is not the only type of relationship that is validated and subject to “rules and regulations’ So yeah It’s still cheating even if you aren’t married.

  8. i wouldn’t have wrote no shyt like this.. why on earth would i be proud that he chose me after he done used me, abused me, lied to me, disrespected me, could’ve given me an STD, didn’t value me, or really LOVE ME..

    writing that letter only states the obvious.. HE came out on TOP and you continue to be a sucker..

    no way.. BS

  9. I personally think both women are dumb as hell!! Like someone said above we all have probably played the role of the “other woman” rather we knew it or not!

    You feel like you are the “main woman” why? Because he was with you first? If that’s the case you are the dumb one! You are even more dumb because you knew he was cheating on you and you allowed it. So who are you to speak down on the woman he met after he met you??

    I am not married but like I have said many times before I was engaged twice to the same man and was with him for a long time. He cheated on me, he carried on a relationship with another woman it wasn’t just sex! We had a home together and he was also helping her pay for her home, car note, bills and, whatever else she needed done! He was there whenever she wanted him and when she got tired of him she sent his a$$ back home to me! I was the one calling his phone and he not answer, I was the one crying up late at night! I was the one who had to come up with a answer for my kids whenever they asked where their father was. I was being faithful while she was sitting at home happy as hell and probably seeing other men.

    At the end when shit unfolded he wanted to be with me and his children! Do I feel like I won something NO I felt like shit! I pulled my big girl pantied up and put his a$$ out!

    So instead of writing a letter to the other woman, look in the mirror and talk to you! You can’t change someone else’s actions so why dare try! The only person we can control, and have ever been able to control is ourselves!

    It’s funny how so may “wives” throw that in the air like they better than everybody else! Please I know many wives how got that title cause the dealt with the most BS and stayed around! Every woman who he dealt with before you probably could have been his wife but they were smart enough to walk away! While not all marriages aren’t like this a lot of them are! I could have been married too but at what cost? My diginity? My pride? No thanks! I will be single for the rest of my life before I become a doormat just to be called someone’s wife!

  10. @SUMMER-RAINE :I know that’s right!
    Only marry a man once he had proven that respecting and loving you is a priority and yes that includes Monogamy otherwise he can sit down somewhere! You go girl

    @Jeng:Thank you

  11. Yeah writing to the other women sure shows how much you moved on, Black women are so sad, no wonder nobody wants to marry u i wouldn’t want a bitter woman neither!

  12. Wow! I am blown away at some of the responses. Since when does having something that wasn’t yours to begin with NORM???
    Yes, some women may have been the other woman unwillingly, but the author clearly stated that this other woman was fully aware that the man was married. So with that being said, there is NO excuse for a woman to be dealing with a married man and vice versa!

    @Becca, “Slow your role sweety!” Not all black women behave that way. I’m not sure what ethnicity you are but please don’t categorize all black women that way! And I’ve heard many black men say that they would love nothing more than to marry a black woman! Shows the woman you are and maturity you have with making that ignorant comment-Sad!

    (Rough Estimates) there are about 300 million people in the United States; About 50 million are single men. So you’re tellin me that a single woman cant have “fun, enjoy and have an easy good time” out of those 50 million men??? Give me a break! Stop making excuses for these morally detoured Girls! Married men are off limits-Period!

    Just because the door is opened, doesn’t mean you have to walk through it!

  13. I’m the other woman and don’t feel the least guilty about it. I’m not planning to stay with the man. He and his partner just fell out of love and live like brother and sister.

    The partner has seen me on TV accidentally and says she doesn’t mind. She’s dating outside too.

    I’m working on falling out of love with him cause I believe in 1 year or so I’ll be ready to settle. At the moment… no strings thank you.

    Self-respect is not accept to suffer because you’re afraid of not being loved by someone else.
    At this time of my life and career, I would be unhappy with a full-time boyfriend. I can say I’m happy when I’m with him and happy when I’m not.

    I’m moving abroad in a few months and intend to build my life and family abroad.

    I suppose, he will be sad. How his partner feels is his business. But I can tell that if she’s unhappy today (which she doesn’t seem to be), it’s her responsibility to make her man respect her feelings and ask him to either leave her alone or leave me.

    If she’s happy, I don’t see the disrespect.

  14. The Other Woman….TRY CHRIST!!

    WTH…Thank you. Very well said.

    To people whom choose the position to share you make the choice to live your lives, never fully realizing your full potentials.

    This happen when you do not believe either in yourself or your self worth. Imagine being one of these people, living only for even the smallest tidbit of validation obtained from the approval of others. This approval usually comes from a narcissist sociopath that has convince you that you are only worth one day a week visits or two/three hours a day sex visits. This is not a good way to live.

    Make the choice to get a woman or man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.

    You are God’s child and God wants the very best for you.

    When you know your self worth then you will know that you are worth a lot…a whole lot!

    I come in Love and leave in Peace.

  15. wth: I’m not immature or young, I’m just speaking the truth and obviously struck a nerve you women need to give it UP!

  16. Becca, NO nerve struck, I just wanted to point out how foolish you are to put all black women in a pot because of YOUR insecurities; Or as you stated, “I’m just speaking the truth”!
    Funny how you didn’t respond to defend your invalid comment, but you chose to continue breeding more of your racial ignorance! Its women like you that I feel sorry for! Just Pathetic.

  17. @Becca Your a dumb ass, nough said.
    @The Other woman Your trife. I would have NEVER openly admitted to anybody that I was that low. And sweety understand that the man you are laying with see’s you for who you are. He has about as much respect for you as you have for yourself. Trust.

  18. How is answering to people like “becca” not proving the point that she was trying to make? She categorize black women as being bitter and angry, and what do you know she gets the attention she wants;Just like with an other woman the best offense is none at all.

  19. @Divine exactly. It probably sounded profoundly liberating in her head, but the “other woman” as someone said, is still taking up residence rent free, while her philandering husband is probably out scouting his next conquest. He chose to stay with the weakest, most tolerant fool and it wasn’t the other woman. LOL!!!

    How can someone write something like that and feel empowered still latched onto a disrespectful, dishonest, untrustworthy man?

    Self esteem where are you?!!!!

  20. @SUMMER-RAINE, I applaud you! More women should be sending the message that you sent. There is a lot of wisdom in your words.

  21. bottom line there are a lot of women out here who could care less if a man is “taken”. They have this, “what does that have to do with me” attitude. If a woman wants that man whe will do what ever it takes to get him whether he’s married or in a relationship. These type of women are just out to get what they want, which is sex & money. I know somebody who deals with married men only and she knows its wrong but she doesn’t care just as long as she gets what she wants out of him. These men give her money and sex; that’s about it. These men will never be seen in public with her though. Personally I couldn’t share a man. There are too many single men out here to be dealing with someone else’s man.

  22. Never say never, I was one of the women who would have stoned a woman, who involved herself into someone’s marriage.

    Last December, I accepted a parcel, without thought, this individual was married, I even spent countless, hours explaining to this person why it was wrong to sleep outside his marriage, every scenario possible I invoked into our conversations.

    I did everything, short of moving to remove myself from the situation, this person became frustrated, with my ability to evade him, then I gave in.

    My lust/feelings (whatever) you ladies would call it, turned to resentment for his hypocrisy, I accused him of hiding behind the the church organ each Sunday. While I am not proud of myself…I do not feel guilty, it was all about the physical, nothing more.

    Lesson learned, never judge others, as you will never know when you find yourself in the same situation. Throw your stones, if you have to.

  23. I read all of your comments and I’m like WOW! I’m in a relationship that my partner is married. But separated an has been for a very long time. Now you all have your opinions but what if the shoe was on the other foot. Then what! I don’t regret anything that me an him have build an an still building, You can’t fight chemistry or Love. There a lot i can go into but I will not. Because that’s are business an Know I love that man as well as he Love me. No low self esteem here. For some of ya. Many of women get with married men for all the wrongs reason sometime try to understand the man. An don’t be a side show

  24. @Ynobe:

    Thanks for posting your experience, I wish you the best of luck, sincerely; word of caution, dot your i and cross your t’s.


  25. @Ynobe: Why not ask your married boyfriend to get a divorce. Why is he still married since he is so in love with you? That is what I don’t understand. He don’t have to cheat on his wife or if he is seperated from his wife, just get a divorce. So he can be with completely!

  26. I can vouch for that once a cheater, always a cheater. My man
    would tease me about having slept with dozens of women, then when I became upset, he would laugh and take the whole thing back. I had my suspicions, but I could not catch him in the act. He never stayed out all night. After he died, his best friend admitted that my ex had cheated two times. I told him that I did not want to hear any more, since he could not tell the truth when my man was alive.The bottom line is a got everything that I deserved, since he was married when I first got involved with him.

  27. Very interesting post.

    @Ynobe – I too would be interested in knowing why if he’s separated why hasn’t he gotten a divorce. Being divorced I understand that this can be a complicated process for various reasons BUT when you find the person you love and want to be with are they not worth the effort and commitment.

    @Alf – I’m sorry for your loss but I have to say that the statement “once a cheater, always a cheater” is not accurate. I, in my past, cheated quite a bit. Now in my older age I have the discipline and self-control to not do those things. Of course I still have the skill but not the desire. People can change IF they WANT to.

  28. @ Dana (that’s MY real name too!), I’m sure I never admitted feeling superior blah blah blah. I’ve only been married 3 years. Why would I say I feel superior to unmarried women…?

  29. This letter and it’s entire thread of comments struck many nerves in me. I feel sad for some of you and proud of a few. I am 23 yrs old and i’ve been the other woman twice. It was not knowingly either time and i really caint tell which was more painful. I could never understand and would never be one to boast about being the woman on the side. it isn’t fair to you and for a second just think about the wife or gf who thinks her man is faithful to her. imagine your hurt if you were in her shoes and found out the love of your life was cheating. it’s just dumb to do that to someone. I’m not passing judgment because nobody apointed me anybodys god. but i’ve seen the hurt, been apart of the hurt, and felt the hurt… it isn’t something to be proud of. just imagine if you had to console a friend or sister 🙁

  30. @ J Joie:

    In response to your reply; previously I made this response, “Never say never, I was one of the women who would have stoned a woman, who involved herself into someone’s marriage.”

    At 23, I was in a long-term relationship until I was about 27; my then bf, sold his water bed and the female purchaser really tested it out with him, lucky for me, we had no children. I hope that when you turn 47, you will re post.

  31. Dee thank you so much. I once said never and found myself where I didn’t want to be, in one of those triangles. Now I never say never but I try my best to make sound decisions in my life.

  32. Thank you all for your input. I ask myself a couple of times. Why don’t I ask them questions Why don’t he get a divorce? I don’t think I’m ready to be a wife. I know that may sound strange to all. Now i do feel bad that a lot of you were hurt in you all situation. He always ask me am i ready to be his wife, an I do say no, because i have my own doubts. If it happen to her i know it will happen to me. 2BC

  33. Dee
    Let me ask you this, would you ever worship the devil? Would you ever abuse your child, your parent, the elderly? There are some people who know the things they can say they would never do and live that truth until death.

  34. @Angie: No to all that you have asked, but I am not sure where you are going with your tone? I do not live in a perfect or fantasy world; I deal with what is put before me; if I make positive or negative choices, then I know that I can address the situation within myself…be true to myself and as another poster stated, “Not sure that I would take that direction again.” Sorry, I could not get the ideology of your question, but thanks for taking the time to stone me!

  35. While I can’t imagine myself sharing another woman’s husband, knowingly, there are a lot of women out there who claim they prefer to travel the “back roads” that a cheating relationship usualy takes them on.

    Well, kittens, I’m an old cat, and I will offer this to all the wives and “legal” girlfriends reading this blog…you can’t stop a man from cheating if that’s what he wants to do, but there are certain things that you can do to disarm the other woman’s appeal:

    1) Keep yourself and your house looking and smelling good. You don’t know what pleasant looks and sultry aromas your man is encountering out there on a daily basis (at work or in the clubs).

    2) Be “present” in yalls relationship. When he’s home,laugh with him, talk to him, play a game of cards with him. Sit beside him on the sofa, and share a cocktail with him.

    3) Give him space. Don’t forsake getting together with your “girls”. Join clubs or organizations that will give you something to do, and somewhere to go. Show him attention, but don’t smother him. Let him wonder where YOU are, sometimes.

  36. @ Domestic Geisha – Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! That was so perfectly stated. Any person is going to do what they want to do but just try to make sure they can’t say it’s “because of you” that they did it.

    I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to have to post that on my blog but I’ll be sure to give you credit!

  37. Hahaha. It’s hilarious that Becca came to a blog for black women to leave racist comments. Don’t those racists have anything better to do?

    As for the topic, I don’t see anything wrong with being the other woman if that’s who you want to be. I can definitely see the appeal of having a man without the relationship problems. I get it.

    HOWEVER, as a girlfriend, I would not put up with that. There’s no discussion. There is no way that you are going to have a relationship with me and another woman and I’m going to stay with you. I have more respect for myself than that.

  38. if writing that letter made you feel better then good for you. I was once involved with a married man. I did not know he was married later on found out when his wife reached out to me. By then i was already inlove, can we help who we fall inlove with, married or not.Normally married men are off limits. Even after i cut things off with him as hard as it was he came back even harder. And no hun it was not just steak dinners and hooker boots, try a brand new condo and college tuition paid for.. So in the end ur still with a man who cheated on you, u sure you dont have low self esteem? This letter doesnt sound like someone who let go…..

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