Imagine meeting a good brownbrotha. He’s just about everything you’ve wanted and more. He’s educated, attractive, well mannered and intriguing. The conversation between the two of you flows without effort. You chat about life, expectations, dreams and desires.
As the date progresses you find yourself joking about the children you could have together and the roles each of you would play. And then a lightbulb goes off and you say…wait! What or who do you believe in? And his answer isn’t the one you’d hope he’d say. He believes in someone/something else.
What happens then? Next?
That happened to me not to long ago. I continued on with the date but once it ended I knew no matter how much I pondered the possibilities, the truth was that at the end of the day it would be difficult for me to progress into a romantic relationship with a man who did not believe in the same God as I did.
I ran the scenario by a few friends. It sparked much debate.
Hands down the women said NO. It’s not going to work.
The men threw their hands down as they grew frustrated with the growing thought that women wanted it all. In their opinions, women want the impossible…a perfect man.
I thought a lot about that and came to one conclusion, I don’t want a perfect man, I want the perfect man for me. Just as I am flawed, he will come with his own flaws and limitations. I accept that. But with maturity I’ve learned that no matter how tempting the man, the apple, the temptation, I will eventually find myself unhappy in my decision to pursue something that I knew wouldn’t work.
Besides my own self, what shall we do with our children? We both believe in our religions strongly enough to want them raised according to our individual beliefs. What about family customs and traditions? Holidays? What about the wedding ceremony?
How much of my identity will I have to give-up, sacrifice or compromise to be with a good brownbrother who doesn’t worship the same God as me?
While I have friends and even some family who practice different religions, I always remember my pastor saying that a marriage must be equally yoked. If we are religiously oil and water, how long will it take before we realize that some things will never mix between the two of us?
Love and religion. I always thought the possibility of loving someone would triumph and void all other things. This time it didn’t. I couldn’t allow it to. It was just a date but the right ingredients could lead to so much more.
Maybe it was maturity. Maybe I didn’t want him to fall in love, pop the question and then hear me give the sermon of why we just can’t be.
Maybe its foolishness. Maybe it could work. Maybe he could convert and become a follower of my belief.
But that just isn’t me. I’m not the one looking to change anyone because of my own selfish interest. I want people to believe in whatever fulfills them. And for me to pursue him, knowing that in the back of my mind a real future could not exist…that just isn’t a good reflection of any religious lessons I ever been taught.
As I sat at my desk smiling at the roses that this good brownbrotha sent, I couldn’t help but think –in another world maybe I could have stepped out on the faith of love and gave it a shot. But for now, ladies there’s an amazing brownbrotha out there waiting for the right woman who’ll love him back.