Tionna Smalls from VH1’s What Chilli Wants fame has something to say to the ladies. She recently provided single women with what she feels is much needed advice on what women should and should not do before marriage and why.
“ Save the Suck! That’s one of the main chapters in my book. You don’t need to be giving all your sex to your man. Like, we all did it; I was the head master at one point, but we can just keep on sucking and jiving with a man that’s not your man. And stop giving him so much access. Women we have to change in 2012 because black women are losing and not finding love.”
Okay Tionna, I get what you are saying girl. But I have a few counterpoints on sex, marriage and relationships. Here are my thoughts about marriage: I respect the sanctity of marriage. I think that marriage can be a meaningful experience in life. However, I do not think that a woman should do a 180 degree change just because she has a ring on her finger. Why? Because ladies, he should already fully understand what he is getting himself into before he puts that ring on your finger! He should already have a damn good idea of the type of woman you are, your expectations, what you will tolerate and what you won’t, your personality glitches, etc. Not fully being yourself with your man during the dating experience is part of what leads so many marriages down the road to divorce. People see the personality flaws in a person and they assume that once they get married, this person will suddenly change and become someone different. Even if that person experiences some growth, I am here to tell you that the core to that person will stay the same.
My mother once told me that women should not start anything at the newlywed stage that they will be unwilling to keep up by the ten year mark. For instance, if you are not a woman that enjoys to cook, then do not start it unless you are willing to continue the habit.
I say the same advice for women who are in a relationship but are not married. Do not start a habit of behavior that you will not want to continue once you are married to the man. This is part of the reason why later the husband mentions how things used to be before you were married and how much happier he was with you then.
I know what you guys are thinking. There must be a list of things that women should not do before marriage when they are just dating the guy. Well, according to Smalls there is a specific itemized list of things a woman should not do. Personally I do not think that things should be that cut and dry.
For instance, she mentions oral sex. While I do not think that you should put your mouth on every Tom, Dick and Harry. Literally. I cannot in good faith tell you ladies that performing oral sex on your man before marriage is not a good look. I only say this because I see the idea as being unrealistic generally speaking. Once a couple has been together for a lengthy amount of time. Say 2 years, chances are you will be having sex. Not only will you be having sex but if you are a lucky girl then you will be having good, nasty, freaky sex if you are in love and comfortable with one another. Are you going to expect him not to perform oral sex on you? Especially if that is something you enjoy and consider it to be a part of the act of lovemaking between the two of you.
Here is my advice and is fairly simple. If you don’t want to perform oral sex on your man until you are married for whatever reason ,whether it be you think its nasty, you don’t want to give too much too soon, you think it makes you look whorish, you don’t like how his private smells or trust his hygiene, then DON’T! In fact, if you don’t want to perform oral sex on him when you are married, then DON’T! Not every woman is comfortable with the act. If this is something that you are absolutely unwilling to compromise on, then stick to your guns. Now as a counterpoint, I want to remind women that not every single thing that makes you uncomfortable should be uncompromisable. Remember you are in a relationship. It is supposed to be a give-give exchange ladies.
My point is for women to not give, do, act, on anything that she is uncomfortable with doing within reason. Whether she is married or not. There are no defined rules to this ladies! You want to know a rule? Here is one. Simply put, if it is outside of your comfort realm then don’t do it if it is within reason. You don’t want to wash a man’s drawers that is not your husband then don’t. Make that clear to him if doing that will make you feel uncomfortable. Or as if you are giving too much too soon. If you hear that quiet voice inside telling you that this is not a good idea then listen to it. That is what protects you from harm and dangerous situations.
For instance, If you feel that you are giving 100 percent to your man and he is only giving 70 percent, then I would first suggest that you approach him with how you are feeling. Be honest about your concerns. If he refuses to listen, compromise or to care for whatever reason then you should pull back some of your energy into him. I will never encourage any woman to give and give in HOPES of one day getting the love she deserves back., No man, husband or not is worth you being a sucker for. Now, she also mentions not giving the man too much access to you. I do agree with Smalls on this one. I do not think that your man should have constant access to you where you are willing to stop everything at a moment’s notice for his beck and call like his puppy or dog on a leash. However, I have one addition to this concept. I do not think that this approach should change once you become married.
Let me explain. Now, obviously, there is a line of respect that should come between your husband and you. Neither one of you should go M.I.A. on one another. This world is far too crazy and dangerous for those type of games. However, in no way do I think that a woman should lose herself in a man where he becomes her world. Even if she is married to him. She should always maintain her own identity, likes, dislikes, outside life, friends, social life, career objectives etc. You get my point. There is nothing wrong with loving your husband or man with every ounce of your being. But you should still save a piece for yourself. You must maintain your own identity at all times. No man should become your identity or every ounce of your existence. No man deserves to own your soul. No man needs that much power over you. Husband or not.
Giving any man that much power is how men become bored or even unappreciative of their wives. They feel as though she will always be there whenever he decides to come around. Like a good old sturdy work horse. He should know that you indeed have a life outside of his existence and your relationship with him.
What am I saying? Well to put it plainly, I respect Smalls’ thoughts but I do not think that there are definite don’t do’s to follow while in a serious relationship versus in a marriage. I also do not believe that your relationship should change drastically just because you two are now married. Should it strengthen? Of course. Should you be willing to give more emotionally, physically and spiritually to your husband versus your man? Naturally. However, I do not think that this should work in some drastic extreme nature.
In fact, what you don’t want to do is to expect for the marriage to be the altering factor that makes the relationship “better” or “work”. You should already have that ground work established. The time during the relationship is where the ground work for the foundation of the marriage should be laid. That way the man will fully know what he is getting himself into before he makes the trip to the jeweler (hopefully). In fact not only will he fully know what he is getting into before hand, he will be excited about your new journey together in life from being boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife.
La’Juanda “LJ” Knight
“If You Don’t Say It, I Will”