The thing is that I’ve always thought I “had it together.” You know, I am intelligent. I’m creative and ambitious. I’m strong, pay my own bills, drive my own car, have my own place. I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. I have standards and demand respect. And when it came to relationships, I just knew I had the 411 on everything there was to know.
Yet, many times I’ve caught a glimpse of myself in ‘his mirror’ and the reflection wasn’t so pretty. What looked back at me were ugly things inside of myself that I couldn’t see; things that quickly taught me that all of the knowledge I thought I had really meant I knew nothing at all.
I say I’m beautiful, I say I’m fly, but why do I always need to hear it from him? And if he doesn’t say it why do I begin to question myself?
Why am I so uneasy when he studies with that girl, even though he assures me she’s just a friend? He’s never given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness so why am I looking at her pictures on Facebook trying to assure myself that she doesn’t look better with him than I do (let’s be real ladies).
I’m always testing him, always playing mind games trying to get his attention instead of telling him how I really feel. I’m a grown woman, but why don’t my actions support this?
Things are a double standard with me. It’s okay if I do it, but when he does it, please believe I’m going off!
I’m telling you the most unattractive, ignorant and, at times, downright embarrassing images would reflect back at me. Actions, mindsets and ways I would’ve never associated with my “got it together’’ self.
And even though it was shocking to see and painful to accept, I’m grateful for the reality check. At times we can have this perception of ourselves that truly doesn’t match our reality. Maybe you walk around with your hair and nails done, outfit on point and makeup popping. Yet the ugly insecurity and low self-esteem inside doesn’t match your beautiful outside. Or perhaps you’re Miss I-don’t-need-a-man-I can-do-bad-all-by-myself when, truthfully, your lack of self-confidence is beginning to seep through.
When I’m getting dressed I like to look at myself in the mirror. I look good and like what I see. But every now and then I still check my image in my man’s mirror because, unlike mine, his often times brings out the truths in me; the ones left after “looking good” fades away.
Maybe your partner has a mirror, maybe it’s a friend or loved one’s. Whomever it belongs to, I urge you to look deep inside yourself the next time you pass by it and see all that reflects back at you.
Service is her passion, writing is her platform, women and the Black Community are her avenues. Shala Marks is a writer, editor and soon-to-be author. Marks aspires to help make a difference in society through the messages in her writings. She has a B.A. in journalism from Arizona State University. Check her out at: