Regina King Tells Sistas To Try Something New

“Of all groups of people, Black women are the least likely group of women that will date outside of their race. When you have everyone else who is willing to explore but a Black woman is like, “I want me a brother,” well, if the brothers are out and they’re open to date everybody and the majority of Black women aren’t willing to look twice when a man outside of their race is sending them messages, then that makes our percentage rate lower and the chances of finding love, because we’re only looking in one specific place for finding love—with Black men.

Every single one of my girlfriends won’t date men that aren’t Black. I have maybe about five and these are people that I’m really considering my friends, not people that are associates or that you talk to or deal with at work. I have about five Black friends who date outside of their race. But all the other friends of mine, it’s either they vocally say that they won’t or every time an opportunity comes up for them to date outside of their race, there’s some excuse why it’s not going to work. They never really say it’s because he’s White, or because he’s Spanish or something like that. It’ll be more like, well, you know he works at such and such, and our schedules don’t match.’ But we’ll know really what it is. It’s ’cause he’s White…..”

This excerpt was taken from an interview that actress Regina King gave at Essence. Although I agree with her overall point of Black women expanding their dating horizons, I also understand the fear and thought process that many Black women go through when trying to find that “one”. Let’s examine some of the points she made.

King makes the point that Black women are either unwilling or uninterested in dating outside of their race. As a Black woman who dates, I understand the thought process behind this. I too would prefer to only date Black men. I would also prefer to marry a Black man. I also would prefer to have children with a Black man. I think that the average Black woman may be more comfortable with a Black man. She feels that he understands her more. For instance they may come from similar cultural and familial backgrounds which allows there to be a certain level of comfort between the two. The special thing about this familiarity is that it helps you to understand and bond with your partner. I myself have heard many reasons why my friends are unwilling to date outside of their race. “You don’t have to explain to him why you hate to get your hair wet.” “He may be intimidated by your strength and not feel comfortable with your sass.” “What if we don’t like the same music?”, “White men only like super skinny women who look like they don’t eat.” There are an array of reason that I have heard Black women use as the rationalization as to why they will not date out of their race. We automatically assume that a Black man will be able to love us the best. This may not always be the case.

Also there is this unspoken loyalty that Black women are expected to have to Black men. The Black man has always been under attack by America, the media, other races etc. It is only natural that the Black woman feels empathy the most for him. As a Black woman, she too has had her own strife to face and feelings of being ostracized by society. She “gets” him.

However, this fear of stepping out of the norm is what holds some Black women back from finding happiness in their love life. Some women spend their lives waiting on their chocolate prince charming that sadly does not always come.
Then there is the reality of King’s statement. I would love for every Black woman who wanted to be in a relationship with a Black man see her dream comes to fruition. Oh what a wonderful fairytale that would be. Unfortunately in today’s world the numbers may not allow it. For one there are more women than men. Two, Black men seem to be more open to dating women of other races than Black women. The loyalties that lie within some Black women for Black men are not always reciprocated. However, that is an entirely different topic for another piece. Then there is the gay Black male population that must be taken into consideration. Odds like these make it more difficult for a Black woman to find the Black man of her dreams versus the man of her dreams.

What is my point? Open your horizons! Throw fear to the side. Let your goal be searching for the man of your dreams versus the Black man of your dreams. I am not advising Black women not to date Black man. I am stating you should not be afraid to open your heart to something different. It is as simple as that. The reality is that you may be a part of the reason why you are unable to find the man of your dreams. Secondly, don’t allow the lack of cultural familiarity be the rationalism behind your apprehension on dating outside of your race. This unlikely candidate might be the guy who is digging you and willing to treat you like a Queen. Sistah, do not fear dating a man outside of your race. Take the time get to know his personality and judge him by that alone.


La’Juanda “LJ” Knight
Journalist
http://www.facebook.com/LJKnightyeahshesaidit
http://yeahshesaidit.com/

31 Comments

  1. I am very confident and I have alwas gotten on really well with white guys. All sorts of men ask me out. Black and white. Black women always tell me when guys like me cause I am slim and pretty… dont know about that because I think its whats inside that matters.

    Anyhoo my man is white. My ex was white and before that I dated a couple of nice black men.

  2. Black woman r to picky they want to know other races are big enough (Rihanna Rude boy) Dark Arfican girl always get the rich whit guy and get married like my close friends. Idont know but europian guys always look 4 the real deal dark girls us light skinned black girls we never get that chance.

  3. If we want to be seen for who we are as people and not judged by the colour of our skin then we have to step up and do the same for others as well including men of other races. There is a historical tradition of black female oppression that is hard to move past but we are capable of doing that and I am glad that Regina King said what she did. My wish is that we can all open our hearts to love and respect wherever we find it or it finds us.

  4. There is nothing wrong with trying something different or exploring other options, but I have a problem when black men or women date outside of their race with the perception that a person of a different skin color or race is better or will treat them better..As we can see with Stacy Dash, Garcelle Beauvais and Halle Berry white men do cheat, and abuse and even being the most beautiful woman in the world isn’t enough to keep a man.

  5. I think you should date who makes you happy. If that white man or any other color man treats you right and you are feeling them then you should go for it. I am open to different options. I have never dated outside of my race and that is only becasue I find that white men are not as bold as black men. They will like you but it will take them a while to ask you out if they ever do. But in way you can’t blame them because if you listen to black men all they do is talk about how crazy we are so they are probably believing that mess.

    But sister it is time for us to be happy and respected and if we have to go outside of our race to do that then so bei it.

  6. so what? its worth a try and atleast you will have a broader option than remaining bitter with only one bunch

  7. Date who makes you happy and BE HAPPY and BE BLESSED 🙂 We all want to be loved, to feel loved and the beautiful thing about love is that it comes with no color. Cheesy, but true. Love Ms. King! She’s awesome and “Southland” is good show; glad it got picked up by TNT.

  8. Regina does have a point & yes you NEED to be someone who makes you happy. But as with anything different a person has to have a level of comfort to step into it. In order, for sistas to go forward, they have to be ready & comfortable to move into that direction. They also need to have a open mind( which I hate to say, usually lacks in our community)… hence all the excuses. Until some of us are willing to open our minds & find comfort in difference , they won’t try it & nothing anyone else says will make them do it.

  9. i agree with the piece and everyone’s comments. i live in a multi-cultural city. it would ignorant to segregate your self…you are much more likely to date/marry a person from another race than your own. heck in high-school my brothers and i were the only complete black folk.

    i have dated out of my race (for 2 years) . not a white guy either. what is interesting is that the whole time, the discussion our races never, i mean never came up. he saw me as a woman he wanted to be with, and i saw him as a great man. we are no longer together because of another thing. our religion… when you are with someone new, you learn about them and what they are about (culture) and you teach them too about yourself. after-all you still have to teach someone how to love you… that is extremely exciting. yes familiarity is beautiful, and ideal, but newness is good too. like so many other ppl said,look for someone who makes you happy in this world, pink or grey. we are all the same just different colours, which can be appreciated. i ideally want someone who looks like me and understands me, but i am open to whatever God has for me. peace y’all.

  10. Why does it have to be “try” another race? What about dating guys younger or older?
    Something rubs me the wrong way about this and this is coming from the lady with a White great-grandmother, several bi-racial best girlfriends and who has dated outside of her race before.
    …I dunno, just can’t put it into words right now.

  11. here we go again. bw have been dating outside the race for decades it’s nothing new.

  12. I say branch out . Sorry ladies … IBMs do NOT exist. Keep an open mind. Black women are the only ones limiting themselves.

  13. I can not do different that just me. @NNE yes im dating a younger man yes im very happy. Not knocking nobody if they do but i can not do pinkies lol. Lata

  14. You know Im am so sick of these articles. I am so sick of the destructive at that again. Isn’t Regina in a relationship with a non-blackman and she is happy good for her. Being a black woman doesnt make you an expert on what we are doing in the love department. Settle for what you dont want IS NOT the pursuit of true love. Wanting to love a black man isn’t a crime and date outside your race based of statistics doesn’t promise true love. Every six month some “sista” whats to tell us how we are denying ourselves by not “exploring our horizons” while the “brothaz” have no problem doing so. Now we suppose to play monkey see monkey do. This is foolish advise. Whats the next article the “White Woman who Advises Black Woman how to keep a Blackman.” These 2 topics seem to be pervasive and futher insult blackwomen intelligence. Tell Regina that this “idea” of her’s isn’t new and blackwoman have been making to much progress for her to think her perception is a new one. I know of several black woman who have tried dating outside of blackmen to find it was’nt right for them. This article suggest that black woman give “weak” excuses why they dont date outside their race. Trivial thing about hair getting wet makes sista seem shallow atleast.Our reasons of staying true to our race isnt so simple. Other races arent counting on statistics to choose their mates heck we dont even be apart of the discussion of how other races are “looking for love” Tell Regina to go to spanish magazines and tell them her idea. How much you willing to bet it wont be in the final print. We love blackmen for various reasons that we shouldn’t have to defend. Especially to our own sistaz….

  15. bw are not and never had limiting themselves.

  16. Black men can kick rocks, as far as I’m concerned. Sorry, I don’t feel loyality to them. Why? because they don’t have any for towards us. It sickens me to constantly being bombarded with the “BLACK MAN WORSHIP”, that takes place with black women. The black man is just like any other men, with the same issues, the only difference is that other men don’t make it customary to completely dog out and disrespect or allow other people to do that to their women. Black men have no sense of loyality. And they want black women, to “hold them down”, but at the same time, they can’t stand that attitude, and think it’s somehow beneath them, when they become “successful” in their minds.

    And when black women say, that want a black man because he’s strong, since when is abadoning your children, and cry and whine like a female when your babymama asks for child support being a strong man? A black man will risks going to jail so he won’t pay child support, so he can take money out his children’s mouth to go clubbin, or buy new rims, or new shoes. I don’t care what color a man is, if he ain’t thinking about investing in the next generation, he isn’t man enough for me.

    I know not all black men are the same, but 99% of black men are losers, and I’d rather not deal with their drama.

  17. Historically speaking:

    Many times black women would “become friendly” with the slave master to ensure that her children would all remain with her, but when she had a baby who looked ” white or mixed”, the husband would of course ask questions, and in turn the slave master would sell her kids, telling her that she promised not to tell.”- According to Slave Naratives, a history book. It wasn’t rape, it was a business agreement in order to keep her family intact. A black singer mentioned that once his family was in need of food, his father forced ;his mother to prostitute herself out. Instead of him going out and hustling or doing menial job for that day, he had his wife pimp himself out.I point this out to say that black women have always maintained and sacrifice herself morals, etc, for the sake of her family. Since the begining of time. We may not have done things, “in the tadition of “feminine and gentile nature”, but we have always provided for our families, we never had the luxuries to be the damsel in distress, and for all that, how dare someone tell us, that we need to stick with men that degrade us on a daily basis, by making us feel less than. If a man no matter what color he is, can make a black woman feel “like a lady”, and not an unspoken equal than she should go for it.

  18. Wow…where do I start? We need to try new things. It is only apart of living that you expand your horizons. Statistically speaking, many black men are in “other” situations. You know what “other” means, no need to explain. I can give you the list if you need it. However, with those stats in mind; we have to be more flexible. Now, we will have those people who date other races because of their inner hatred for themselves but most people will do it for the right reasons. Seriously, I have great male friends but most of them honestly say there are a few left! I mean I tired of BLKmen giving passes to the Kardashians of the world. Half the time, I couldn’t wear, sleep, or do half the crap they praise with these “other” women. I would be a” hoe” and every other name in the book.

  19. You also forgot to add that many black men are in jail or have been which also affects black relationships

  20. I really like this article because I am all for dating outside of my race and if I ever get married again, it will be with a Mexican. I love black men, but I believe that there is love everywhere and anywhere. I see black women in Miami with white men, hispanic men, asians, etc. I think people think that black women do not date outside of the race because black men do it so much more often than a black woman and it seems that they don’t want black women anymore, so people think that because black women don’t do it as often that they are not receptive to it. Needless to say, I recommend that if a man or woman wants to date outside of their race, go for it. you only have one life to live. Explore the world.

  21. Well I’m confused; Most black women I have heard speak on the issues , Don’t want a man, Let alone a black man, They can do it all by themselves, and they hate relationships,They don’t want to have to answer to anybody, They are “Strong black woman” So we are speaking on this because?

  22. i see your just another DOORMAT for the black man. We are a laughing stock to other women and yet, all you can do is further go on and BLACK MALE WORSHIP…black girls like you make me sick! black guys wont dare stick up for black women so what exactly are you defending?

  23. Man, I see some teeth and claws here on this topic. I think the tension comes out when black women are repeatedly told that as a solution to the fact that some 40% of black women never get married they should date outside their race. Some people may think that is a genius idea and others may think it’s absolutely horrid, but I think many black women can agree that just the notion of black women being so burdened by the difficulty finding a mate within our race is very hurtful. I am a black woman who has dated outside my race several times but has always wanted “the one” to be a black man. Whoever God wants it to be is who it’ll be. I believe that because I don’t see dating outside my race as an solely as an option — not as an alternative. We’re all human — we have our faults and flaws, and not going to lie, men – black or white or Latin — don’t get women regardless of what race she is! But IMO, you should date outside your race because you’re into that person for who he is, not because you’ve given up on finding a mate who has the same color skin as you. I know it’s a bit idealistic but it’s better than being resentful. I know black women are tired of being told this and that and constantly being broken down but I believe responding by anger only hurts us more and makes the truth so much harder to see.

  24. @ Ella you are right. That’s part of my annoyance of the article. It has this tone like “black woman you want to mate with a blackman forget it the statistic say 4 out of 10 will never marry so start exploring your horizon” Reginas arrogance of love is out there if you explore non blackman read like an informercial. Our survival as a race is important. say blackwomen are not in relationships and its their fault so abandon your race . Most blackwoman who date blackmen exclusively don’t find non blackmen attractive. Cultural sensitivity is mentioned and dismissed. I am married to a black man for 20 years and my dad is black as well as my son. To love and uplift black man makes me a doormat so be it. I won’t ever apologize for my devotion to my race. My opinion maybe unpopular I am able to respectfully disagree with others.

  25. As far as I know, Ms. Regina is in a ‘blissfully happy’ relationship with Malcolm Jamal-Warner — unless something has changed. That’s why I find it curious that she’s coming out so strong on this issue. Maybe Ms. Regina is countering what Sister Jill Scott wrote in Essence magazine last month. Certainly, we can date whomever we want. But, there are many Sisters who are ready, willing, and able to wait for a good Black man. Hey, no one knows a Black woman better than a Black man. Many Sisters want to marry a Black man, raise a Black family, and continue the legacy. With that being said, if a man from another race came my way, and we were a great Team — I’m in! However, let’s keep in mind that there are many non-Black mothers who DO NOT want their sons with Black women, right?

  26. @ Hondip – Sweetheart, I feel you. I understand what you are saying. I don’t agree with everything you see said, but I completely see where you are coming from. And girl, you are so blessed. Many black women are dying to have what you have — a stable, committed relationship with a black man. Man, I want what you have! But IMO, it’s not about purifying our race — it’s about self-respect and love — 2 things I feel black women need and want more of from ourselves and from the world, black men included. Yes, we should build up black men but simultaneously we should not neglect ourselves. Society has always been harsh on the black woman; this isn’t news to anybody. And this is all part of that cycled oppression that we have dealt with for centuries. We want to be loved, adorned, respected, touched, and told we are beautiful — everything I feel society tells us we are not entitled to feel. I’m young and idealistic, I know, but I don’t care about the next J. Lo or Kardashian type that walks across the screen and becomes some black man’s fantasy. I care about me. I care about respect. The message should be if you find a man who loves you for you, respects you and trusts you and treats you like the queen you are, even if he is purple with white polka dots, you should open your eyes and be with that man. Love is patient, love is kind, love is however the rest goes, we sistas deserve to feel loved.

  27. Oh Puhleeze! Nobody gives it to me like my Sweet brown Suga! Make that Dark Coffee and no milk! (thank you very much!) The darker the berry… lol…its true…I used to fantasize about laying it on some white man but when I hooked up with my fine ass, DARK skinned, black brother with a bald head to boot (and his younger too!) I knew there was no going back! Dont know about y’all but once you go black…. heh heh

  28. @ Bohwe- DANG! I feel really bad for you that you feel the way you do about Black men. I wish you could live my life and experience the love I have for our brothas all over the world. From Anchorage, Alaska to Sydney Australia… I have nothing but love and respect for Black men and have gotten nothing but the same love and respect in return.

  29. I read Regina King’s article and I agree with her. If you’re dealing with numbers it’s logical for women to date outside their race and if it’s about love, it shouldn’t matter who the black woman dates. I’m married to a black man so I know it’s not impossible, but if I were single my preference would be black men, but they would not be my only option.

  30. My opinion is this, it’s amazing how black women are so gong-ho about dating a black man, but does he feel the same about dating and marrying us? hmm no! I just don’t have it in me to stand by a group of men that makes it known to the world that black women aren’t desirable. Look at how many top entertainers, atheletes, purposely seek out nonblack women. Black men put their nonblack significant others on a peddlestool while we sit back and look stupid for still supporting them. I’m done, Black men can kick rocks.They are too disrespectful for me. We are the ones that held them down , sacrificed ourselves for 500 years for them, and their offspring so that we can be the group with the highest % of AIDS in the country, deal with men on the DL, single mothers not having enough to support their kids. I don’t need the darker the berry , etc, I don’t want it. Nothing will change my opinion on the matter. Look at how many reality shows where the black man is with a nonblack woman, and what happens the next day, black women go online and complain about how black men don’t want us. Well you knew that.

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