I’ve been there before especially after getting a divorce. And just when I thought I was ready to give it a try at dating. I realized there were some things missing from myself. I found out that I didn’t really know what I wanted in a relationship, what kind of man would I benefit from having in my life, did I have what I needed to bring to the table, and was I ready to learn a new person? Understanding the new person will not be the old person and that he was due the respect of not being treated like he is my old baggage. Was I really ready to leave it all behind? Had I completed my relationship’s overhaul? Ridding me of the past mistakes, hurt, pain, and disappointment from my previous relationship, and accepting my part (good or bad) and taking responsibility for it. Ultimately forgiving him and myself. When the answer to those aspects became YES, the journey of my own self discovery began.
There is a decision to be made that there is more to having a man than just having a man. It is more than just about being lonely or your biological clock is running out. It has to be about stability, reliability, care, love, provision, dedication etc… These are things that sometimes get left out because we fail to wait or pay attention to the signs. We would rather hope for the wrong person to change to the right person rather than taking our time to wait for the right already changed person. I will admit in some cases we owe that thought process to our raising. We were taught not to give up on people, we were taught to help those who can’t help themselves. It wasn’t explained to us (when it came to the men in our lives) that there is a difference between hoping for someone to change versus someone who wants to change and makes those changes.
It is important that we understand that after a certain age most times people are already set in their ways. Who they are, how they handle situations, what they want out of relationships, how they treat others etc… This means by the time we meet someone there’s a good chance that person is not in the business of being changed. No different in how we ask that a man to “take me as I am”. I believe if we could really get a grip on that reality we would be more inclined to be upfront with what we want, be honest about what we want, and see the reality of the person or people we are dealing with. All you can ever go by is the reality of who a person is not the hope of who you want the person to become.
There is no guarantee in hoping a person treats you better, hoping a person stops cheating on you, hoping a person stops abusing you, hoping a person will get up off their behinds and go to work or get a trade, hoping someone will be able to help provide for family. But what is guaranteed is what are they doing now or have done, how do they treat you, how do they act, what are their goals, are they perusing their goals. Hopefully you get the point.
Now please don’t get me wrong I’m not saying it’s wrong to want something better and for your relationships to continue to grow. However, I simply want us to be reminded that even our desire for our relationships to grow and continue develop we have to actively work at making that happen and not just sit back and hope that it will. And by “we”, I am speaking of both parties working together towards the same goals and outcome. One just working towards these things is not enough. You will find yourself with only half the relationship you want and unsatisfied or unfulfilled.
It’s time we place ourselves in the important seat and realize we are a factor in all that we want and all that we do. But if by chance you haven’t gotten completely over your last break-up, my sista it is time for a Relationship Overhaul. You have to prepare yourself for Mr. Right!!!
From one Youthful Soul to another!
Cara J. Terrance