Should Women Have To Raise Their Men?

I have heard the line about women having to mold their man and turn them from boys to men for years but I never really took heed to it. I always felt that it was counterintuitive. Why should I have to raise someone that is supposed to be the leader in the household? Shouldn’t he be leading me? Shouldn’t we both be aiding in one another’s growth? Essence recently ran an article titled “Make Your Man A King”. The author of the article pointed out that women of today do not know how to treat a man like a King. He cited that women of today do not know how to take care of their man. They do not cook and clean like momma use to. They do not know how to love a man like Grandma used to. They do not know how to make a man a King. He went on to say that it is the woman’s job to crown the man a King. To make him the man that he is destined to be. Really?

This male author and others like him are all a part of a larger problem. The issue is of a woman having to take on a man like he is a lifelong project. The expectation is that a woman has to become a second mother to her man and coddle him into manhood through all of his screw ups, immaturity, and growing pains. We should be there to constantly mold him and kiss his boo-boos. It seems to me that the roles have reversed. Men now feel that they should be taken care of like a woman would. While the woman should be the one taking on the role of the caregiver, provider etc..

Also, I do not think that the real issue has anything to do with a woman not being willing to cook or clean for a man. There are women who are willing to do that and more. The issue is that the men of today have become spoiled and feel that the woman should not only work, but cook, clean etc.. While they take a back seat to the responsibilities. The same men who want their woman to cook, clean, etc are usually not as willing to play their role as a man. This includes being a provider, being loyal, making a comfortable, safe and stable home for his wife and kids. Men like this author are some of the same ones that feel that the woman should be courting them instead of them courting the woman. They want the woman to take on both roles and still respect them as a man. An impossible request!

When the author states his issues with today’s woman, I have to first laugh hysterically and then go on to disagree vehemently. Sure there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman taking care of her household, taking care of her man and children. However, what are you, as the man, willing to give? Are you going to step up and take on the role of a King? Are you going to be provider, protector, husband and Father that you were designed to be? See, a man cannot be expected to be treated like a King and reap the benefits while not taking on the responsibilities that come along with the role. If you want the job then you have to embrace it wholeheartedly.

We also need to stop facilitating the idea that it is a woman’s job to mold a boy into a man. Take notice of the millions of single Mothers who sometimes have a difficult time raising a young boy into a man. It was never a job created for them do alone.

A man has to want to be a good man. A man has to make the decision that he is a King and behave like one. The decision to leave boyhood for manhood has little to do with the woman. This is why some men can have a good woman and still mistreat her. She has little influence on his decision to be a good man or behave like a “King”. This decision is one that the man must make in his own time and within himself.

A woman can try to raise her man and she will be up for the struggle of her life. Why, because this is not her role. She did not birth him so it is not her place to make him into a man.

Contrarily, a man or woman can make their partner better people, or help them to grow in life. In fact that should be one of the primary benefits to being in a long term relationship. You both influence one another positively. However, the idea that a woman should hand hold a grown man through life or through his growing process is ridiculous. It should never be something that any woman is faced with to begin with. It should never be your burden to raise the man you are in a relationship with. Nor should it be expected of you by your man. That was what his parents were for. I am not dissing any woman that has taken this painstaking role on. I wish you luck girl.


  1. DANA that could be part of the reason why there are a large # of single black women because we’ve been raised to think that we must take care of ourselves. Some women might not feel the need for a man because we believe we can do it on our own so there’s really no did for them except for romantic, intimate reasons.

  2. I agree with your points! Cleaning and cooking is not the problem, it’s raising (or molding) a boy to be a man.

  3. I would love to share your article on facebook. Is there a link to do that? If not, I will leave it alone for copyright reasons.

  4. I hate to say this, but thus sounds a lot like my husband. He claims he doesnt do certain things that he is supposed to do as a husband sometimes because I dont “play my role” the way he believes he should all the time. I think thars funny since he is supposed to be the breadwinner of the household and lead the family by example

  5. Mrs. Jones:
    Sounds like hubby needs to go back to church to find out what his purpose as a husband is. Some churches have classes for husbands. It’s sad when men use excuses for not taking their place in the world! Keep trucking!

  6. what woman has time to be raising any man??? I don’t know one succesful marriage that’s based on that. I understand having a support system, but raising a man??? I thought husband and wife were suppose to be raising children, not each other. If your butt still needs to be raised I highly suggest staying at home w/ mama and papa. What man begs a woman to raise him? that’s pathetic.

  7. Some women pride themselves on being able to take care of their man. society places these numbers and statistics in front of us to put us in fear of being alone which gives some men who are too lazy to grow up a sense of entitlement. Men are gold diggers in this day and age. Driving their woman’s car, living from woman to woman instead of being a man and taking care of themselves. No one will respect the value of a dollar or grow up if you keep enabling them.

  8. This is so funny cuz when i was eighteen i dated a spoiled man, who expected so much of me. He was 24 but he wanted me to almost everything even though i was 6 years younger than him. And on top of that it was never good enough and he gave me little in return. My thank you was him cheating on me several times.
    Its hard for me to believe in black men anymore. Its so sad to see what they have become. I hope i do a good job as a single mother, i really dont want my child to turn into one of these boys who wants their girlfriends to pamper them to death.

  9. This puts so much in perspective for me. I actually just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday due to this exact reason. I can’t complain about cheating or staying out late I give him that but the burden of trying to raise him while still growing myself was just too much. I felt like if I stayed in the relationship things would always be the same. The first step was convincing him he needed grow up and start being a man. Then getting him to understand the steps it takes to get where he wants to be in life(which he still doesn’t have a clue about). Then it was showing him how to look appropriate on interviews. Preaching about doing follow up calls. It just seemed like one thing after another. (Advice he was very reluctant to take since he is “the man”) My mother always told me to look at their parents. What have they acheived? What kind of example are they currently setting for their children? As much as I hate to admit when my mother is right (most of the time she is) she definitely was right! His parents aren’t established; they don’t own their house or have careers. I am 25 and still trying to figure this life thing out for myself. I’m not ready for kids and I definitely don’t want to raise anyone else’s.

  10. Thank You! I love this article. Im going to print this out to my husband, who doesnt demand anything from me(there would be no more)but expects me to do the “women” things in the house and beyond because its out of love for him. I love him to death but I dont believe i need to do everything to show it, especially he doesnt return the results. Then how is he showng his love. I will make it my honor that my sons( and daughter too) will not share his mentality.This started because of his mother. if he is looking for his mother, then……..

  11. I always say that “I don’t plan on raising any man that didn’t come from me”. Even then, I plan on his father being the primary influence in his maturing process. I believe that our generation is full of boys trapped in men’s bodies who never got the chance to know their fathers. I am almost willing to believe that a single father would have better results raising children by himself because the decision to do so in the first place is a sign of maturity. I see it time and time again where a man simply is A-Ok with being catered to…What??? I am not ok with a GROWN man who just expects me to be his Mom. That doesn’t even attract me to him because I have seen it so much. Motherly love is much different than romantic love, and like you said “They want the woman to take on both roles and still respect them as a man.”

  12. I am offended by the term raising a man. When a woman reminds her husband to leave the toilet seat down, not to leave one swallow of milk in the jug, not to be so picky about a little dust in the house, these are minor things that can be worked out. I am sure that, if asked, the man could come up with quite a list of how his woman annoys him. Cheating, lying, violence are non-negotiable. Still, it is best to not insult his pride by referring to raising him. Just tell him specifically what he is doing wrong and leave him. Men are not raising women who do not manage cooking, cleaning, and laundry perfectly. They should point out what they are upset about, and give the woman a chance to improve. Insults are not good coming from either direction. Working together, praising each other, and putting up with each other makes more sense.

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