The Arrogance of You

ARROGANCE OF YOU

A couple of weeks ago I had a lady I respect, but had never actually met before tell me after reading one of my articles:

“I love your life. I can tell you’re young, because you still believe in people.”

It was a simple statement that I believe was meant as a compliment, I’m sure she sent that email and thought nothing more of it….It stayed with me. Still young because I believe in people…I wondered at what age does that “belief” go away? Is my “belief” routed in faith, or is it misguided naiveté’?

You see my heart is broken. It is in shreds. This innocent statement came at a very crucial moment. A moment where I was on the precipice of trying to hold out faith in a man, but knowing that faith was misguided. This simple statement came at a time when I was doing everything I could to suppress feelings of anger. Discontentment. Discouragement. Frustration. After giving a “man” a second chance at friendship he betrayed my trust again. He took my offer and spat on me. God said 7 X 70, people interpret that as unlimited forgiveness because who would you have to forgive 490 times…I think I was hitting that with him. After seeing me go back thru the same thing I had gone thru eight months prior my friend thought it was time for some hard reality.

Friend – “What’s the problem? You offered him your friendship; he doesn’t want it…his bad. He’s an idiot that you don’t like anyway. I don’t understand what the problem is. You said yourself; he isn’t what you thought he was. You said yourself you didn’t like his personality. You already know his communication style is zero. You already know he is a liar and a cheat and a runner…what is the problem, because YOU know he did you a huge favor. He is trash. Say it! T.R.A.S.H.!!!

Me – “I don’t like to refer to people at “trash”.

Friend – “But you know that’s what he is. What is really bothering you?”

Me – “I’m upset. I don’t like to be upset. I’ve prayed and I just can’t get the anger out of my heart.”

Friend – “That’s okay…you have a right to be upset. That’s a normal feeling when someone wrongs you.”

Me – “It’s not normal. Not for me it isn’t. When you give kindness you get kindness…that’s how it works!”

Long silence…..

Friend – “Where? Where does it work like that? The world I live in, for most, its kill or be killed. It’s do unto others as they have done unto you.”

Me – “Well, my world isn’t like that. I give kindness, I get kindness back. This dude though…I’ve never met anyone so evil. I just can’t believe I gave him another chance, and he did the EXACT same thing again.”

Friend – “So you’re upset that a dog is a dog? Just be real.”

Long silence….

Me – “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH (this is a literal scream) I’M PISSED!!! I DON’T EVEN LIKE THIS DUDE! I’M PISSED BECAUSE I KNEW HE WASN’T ABOUT ANYTHING, AND I HELD MY TOUNGUE BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO BELIEVE IT. I WANTED TO SHOW EVERYONE THAT THEY WERE WRONG ABOUT HIM, AND THAT THERE IS GOOD IN EVERYONE! I DIDN’T WANT TO LOSE MY FAITH IN PEOPLE, AND I CERTAINLY DIDN’T WANT TO BELIEVE THAT HE WAS DOING THIS ON PURPOSE. EVEN AFTER I TOLD HIM I WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE HE JUST KEPT SAYING I WANTED HIM…HE IS SO ARROGANT!”

Friend – “Okay…get it all out!”

Me – “I AM MMAAAADDDD! I WANT HIM TO CHOKE ON HIS OWN VOMIT! HE SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR I DO, AND THE FACT THAT HE CAN BOTHERS ME!!!!”

At this point I’m literally screaming, and shedding tears not out of sadness, but anger.

Friend – “I’m your friend. I love you. I know how good your heart is. I don’t want to see your spirit or your personality change, but I don’t ever want to see you hurt like this again so know what I’m saying is being said out of love. You are not mad at him. You are mad at yourself. You knew he wasn’t about anything, and you knew he was going to do exactly what he did, so it wasn’t even a surprise this time. He is trash, and if his mom raised him like that she’s trash too. You are mad because of your reaction. You’re mad because for the first time you are having a “human” reaction to someone.”

Me – “What does that mean “human reaction”?”

Friend – “You are always so “Desmond Tutu-y” about everything, it is actually refreshing to see you scream. To see you angry. You suppress those feelings all the time, and that isn’t good. You have a right to be angry; dude lied to you from day one! He played with you, and you’re right…he did it on purpose. I bet if you look at his facebook page it’s filled with all kinds of things like: “I’m a good man. I want a happy ending. I deserve a good woman”. Look at it, I’d put money on that. He’s not even attractive! It’s okay to be angry. Be angry and deal with that anger then you can move on, because you don’t want this to mess up your relationship with the man you really do care about it.”

Me – “It’s not okay to be angry. I am a Christian; I am supposed to show love and forgiveness at every turn! If I don’t have my faith then I am nothing! I feel so stupid.”

Friend – “I promise you God knows you are HUMAN, it is okay! Don’t feel stupid, there isn’t a woman in this world who hasn’t felt dumb behind a man before, your time is just coming a little later than most. You have just been really lucky! You are trying to apply Christian methodology to a man who has no idea who God is. He will swear up and down he is a Christian, but has no relationship with God. Didn’t he tell you no one was going to understand your lifestyle of following God’s word, and in the same breathe holler he was a Christian? Girl, get on your knees and thank God right now for removing that evil spirit out of your life! Trust me, we have all been praying for that!”

Me – “I’m not upset with him. You’re right; I don’t give two shakes about him. I’m upset with myself. As arrogant as I say he was, I was twice that. I wanted to prove that kindness, faith, and love would always win the day. I wanted to prove that people, women in particular, were paranoid…no one is deliberately out to hurt anyone. I wanted to prove that I could have a friendship with this man that clearly wasn’t worth my time. And when he did it again, like everyone said he would, I was hurt. I was embarrassed. I wasted the better part of a year believing in someone that wasn’t worth it, and all I have to show for it is a busted fantasy.”

So, going back to my original thought…at what age does someone lose their faith in people? There’s obviously not a set time, because I know women in their early twenties all the way to women in their sixties that know to ditch and run at the first sign of trouble, but for me I can tell you the exact date and time I lost my faith Thursday August 8th at 2 p.m., and I consider it a blessing. Losing faith in people really doesn’t have to be a negative, in my case it was a definite positive. God is the only one that is Devine, people will let you down. I just learned what most people apparently learn at an early age, everyone isn’t worthy or deserving of a second chance. Everyone isn’t even deserving of love, any degree of love, and when God tries to remove someone….LET THEM GO! It is always a blessing. So, to this lady that sent that random thought, I thank you. I’d heard that from friends many many times, but for some reason hearing it from a virtual stranger really made it click. I am loving my life again too. I will always show forgiveness, and give people the benefit of the doubt, but in the future I will be sure that person is worth it!

15 Comments

  1. I love that you expressed your feelings of when someone says something and you are going through so much at the time that you take it offensively. but when you think about it it was a blessing in disguise. And yes it is amazing how we can something over and over from those who are around us all the time, but when a stranger says it we act like it is brand new money. Great article. Keep up the great work

  2. Crying over a man once again… No offense but is Everything in your life surrounded by a relationship with a man?

  3. You’re being a bit harsh aren’t you, BlackSista? Surely you have had your heart broken a time or two. Have some compassion. School the sista. Offer words of encouragement. But don’t be mean and judgmental.

  4. Great article, we’ve all been there. I have to wonder if Surabi and I were reading the same article the other two read? I saw:you don’t want this to mess up your relationship with the man you really do care about it.”
    To me that means SHE IS in a relationship with someone else. I read this is just a male FRIEND not a “relationship” or Love. I read this magazine a lot, and I’ve noticed the women (that leave comments anyway) seem to be really judgemental as Dana said, and often make interpretations that don’t match the articles. I’m going to start calling this ANGRY Brownsista Magazine. Nice article btw, and I hope you don’t let your experience with this guy turn you bitter towards ALL men, some people do deserve second chances, but rarely third.

  5. If this is true, don’t sweat it, you’re friend is right…we have all be there. It’s hard when you place faith in someone, and they turn out to not be what you hoped. Really good writing..true or not.

  6. Don’t mean to seem harsh that was not my intent. Yes I have been there… But I don’t like being hurt so I am very careful with my heart. If you’re not giving me what I am giving you it’s a wrap. I have a lot of pride and it’s protects from making decisions off of emotions. So these types of issues with men sorry I hadn’t had to deal with over and over again… No disrespect but not all women have man trouble. All and all hope she finds happiness though…

  7. Wow…it’s funny how people read things in different ways. I didn’t get any “unhappiness” from the article, just anger with THIS situation and THIS particular man. Interesting…

  8. Great article! I totally understand, being a Christian man I know how hard it is to to apply Christian methods to NonChristians, the ones that are “believers”, and call themselves Christians are the worst! Keep your faith in people, and pray for people like this guy. I agree with the above, I didn’t get all the “crying over a man” thing, but kindness is wasted some people. Second chances are good…thirds rarely are.

  9. Had to think about my belief in people for a moment. I can’t seem to grasp that statement. When I was young I had a lot of “Magical thinking”. Every relationship I had was gonna be total bliss. You know(Running to my man through some beautiful flowers with a flowing dress while he was running to me”) I had to take some time (2year) to figure out why my relationships were all bad.. and OMG it was me …Had to learn to love myself..

  10. Great article…I shouted as if I were in church a couple of times….lol

    Anywho, I’m one of the people who lost their “faith in people” once the innocence of my childhood went away…meaning, I was raised to know people don’t always mean good. My mother instilled that into me at an early age. Was that a good thing? Idk. But I am raiding my kids the same way.

    It teaches you to keep your gaurd up, teaches you how to Be a good judge of character. Doesn’t mean I’ve never been hurt, but I know not to put ANYTHING past ANYONE, and because of that, I bounce back fast from things.

  11. CO-SIGNED!! GREAT ARTICLE!! BLACK SISTA I COMPLETELY AGREE!! PEOPLE WASTE SO MUCH TIME LOOKING BACK AND GOING BACK!!!

  12. I agree with Blacksista. I AM SO DARN SICK AND TIRED OF WOMEN BOO-HOOING OVER A DARN MAN. Get your self esteem up.

    The writer needs to admit she is lonely and incomplete without a man and from that confession she can perhaps begin to figure out what she’s lacking that she THINKS a 2x loser can give her. This is sad and pathetic and I don’t think I want to read advice from a weak person, especially one who knocks others because of her own insecurities.

  13. Wow…I love that my articles can be read by so many and everyone get something different as one of the comments reads. I thought it was clear, but maybe it wasn’t, this was an attempted FRIENDSHIP not a love interests. I wasn’t trying to “give advice” I was telling a story. I hate I come off as “pathetic” or “insecure”, but I’m glad it seemed to help someone. I’m actually in a very happy, healthy relationship with a MAN of God, and we just entered into pre pre-marital classes. That’s really Good advice though.

  14. I think this article was awesome! I agree with the above, I think a few totally missed the point. This made me think of when I lost my faith in people, and I can’t remember so I must have been really young. For the writer, it happens to us all I just hate someone like this dude is the one that took yours. Follow your friends advice, and don’t let it mess up your actually relationship or other friendships. For the above I think is the writer good luck with your counciling and your Man of God…they are hard to find!

  15. Oh wow! I logged on to get a quote the author wrote that I really like, and read some of the comments WOW! Women love to knock each other. For the writer keep your head up and ignore the foolishness. “Sad and pathetic”? I love women that have never been thru anything., or criticize someone and say they are knocking other people while they’re doing it themselves. I didn’t see any of that, but I actually read the entire article. When I don’t like what Im reading I just stop reading. lol

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