The Invisible Fat Girl

I am a lot of things. When you put “I am…” in front of something you make it true. It becomes your reality. You give that thing power. There are things about me that I have been since my day of conception, and things that I will die being. I am a Black. I am a female. Those things were predetermined. I love those things. I am so proud to be Black….say it like I say it…Black. I love every second of being a woman. There is no time where I do not feel honored to be the fairer sex. Those things will never change.

There was a time in my life when I looked in the mirror and saw…nothing. Correction, I always saw beauty…I felt like nothing. I was invisible. Let’s be real. Kirby is tall. Kirby has green eyes. Kirby has a heart of gold. Kirby is FAT….say it like I do…FAT. I had become invisible. Let us continue to be real; men love the fat girl…like a sister. She is the girl you can talk to about everything. You can come home, from your date, and tell her all about the pretty petite girl you just wined and dined, but couldn’t have a decent conversation with. The FAT girl makes you laugh, and gives you the best advice. She is the girl whose shoulder you cry on, the girl you would love to be with… if….

Have you ever felt “invisible”? It is not at all like you would imagine. It’s not that great feeling of being in a room, but not being there so you can still hear the private thoughts and conversations of others. It is walking behind a gentleman, having him hold the door open for the two girls in front of you, then walking out himself, and letting the door slam in your face. It is spending weeks, months even, talking to a man for hours and hours, only to have him ask you to set him up with your thin pretty girl friend…whom he has never met. It is falling ridiculously in love with a man, and have him tell you repeatedly he loves you, but could never be with anyone so fat because his friends would make fun of him. It is to have a man get angry at you, and scream things like “You FAT B*tch!” “With your FAT a**!”.

Why do people think it is okay to comment on someone’s weight? That boggles my mind. I don’t even think it is polite to do that to someone who has lost a lot of weight. You don’t know the circumstance. When did people become defined by their weight? To be invisible is to have your Mother constantly tell you “You need to lose weight, you’d be so much happier.” It is to have random people come up to you in the grocery store and make comments like “You are such a pretty girl, you just need to slim it down a bit.” followed by laughter….is that funny? It is to have people say “You are way too pretty to hide behind all of that weight.” Is that appropriate? Does my weight indicate to you that I am unhappy? I would be pretty if….?

To be the invisible fat girl is to always wonder: Did he pass on me because he just didn’t like me, or was it because of my weight? So, how did I get past feeling like nothing? How did I move past being “invisible?” I love me. No one will love me more than I love myself. No one will ever take my self love away from me. Regardless of my size, or anything else, my love of self and more importantly, my love of the Lord will always sustain me. It will comfort me. As long as I have my tremendous faith, nothing else matters. People love to reduce things to the lowest common denominator, when in reality Kirby is a lot of things. I cannot be defined by my weight or any one thing. Kirby is smart. Kirby is talented. Kirby is an excellent friend. Kirby is a gourmet level cook. Kirby is honest. Kirby is sweet. Kirby is confident. Kirby loves the LORD, and HIS word tells me:

“Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

Kirby is BEAUTIFUL. I am…BEAUTIFUL.

4 Comments

  1. Excellent article!! Although this talks about weight Black folks need to understand this when it comes to us across the board. We should teach our kids to say “I am smart, I am victorious, I will be a doctor, I will be successful, etc, etc” We have strayed away from claiming the positive in life and continue to embrace things that bring destruction to our lives and communities. In the words of Nina Simmone, we are “YOUNG, GIFTED AND BLACK!!” …

  2. This is suuuch an excellent article. I will say though that sometimes we medicate ourselves with food (and alcohol)

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