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The ‘Mo Better Syndrome

posted by Yolanda Kirby on October 19th, 2012 at 2:24 pm

MO BETTER BLUES 204x250 The ‘Mo Better Syndrome

I’ve recently taken a sabbatical from work. I needed relaxation. Time to think. Time to reprioritize. As I was enjoying my night, I came across Spike Lee’s movie ‘Mo Better Blues. I was in middle school when this movie came out, and I still remember sneaking in the theatre to see it. It was just an “R” rated movie to me then, but watching it now as an adult it was completely different. It made me realize just how much power we as women give men.


This man, very handsome man, is able to carry on a relationship with two women. Both adoring him. Both at his beck and call. At some point he even tells one of them they aren’t allowed to question him about the “company he keeps”. It was unbelievable to me. I felt myself becoming angry. It was a movie, but I’ve seen this before. Too many times. Women are no longer chased… we are chasing. We are settling for whatever comes along. We are taking care of men. We are sharing men. We are putting up with… anything.


I recently found myself completely in love with this guy. The feeling was not returned. I wasn’t use to that. I didn’t know what to do. One day I got it into my head that I was going to make a grand gesture. I was going to show him how much he meant to me. I was going to send him roses. Maybe “secret admirer” cards, I hadn’t worked out the details, but when I go… I go big. Then it hit me…”Why”? What had he done to deserve such special treatment? He ignored me. He took my love and friendship for granted, and preyed on my weakness… being ignored. For that, I was going to spoil him with flowers and gifts? I had several guys begging to take me out on the town. Begging me for my attention, yet I wanted to spend my precious time, and come out of my pocket for the one guy that didn’t? I’m a lady, I don’t chase… I am chased.

In my best Carrie Bradshaw voice: I had to wonder…. Why do we always want the one we can’t have?

I’ve always heard “to get something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.” I’ve never courted a man… maybe this was my time. I love to spoil people I care about, but it didn’t feel right. After much prayer I realized it didn’t feel right because it was out of order. When a man makes a move, or a grand gesture like flowers, candy, cards, phone calls… people will say he’s romantic. He cares about you. He’s showing you how much he wants you. When a woman does it, she’s a stalker! She’s crazy! You had better watch your back. It’s ludicrous. It’s a horrible double standard.

As the movie goes on, both women eventually have enough, and decide to move on. They can’t “hang”. I’m happy for both of them when they tell him that, because I know how hard it is to leave someone that you love, but you know in your heart they aren’t good for you. It is one of the hardest things in the world to do. Then, after he has lost his career, his friends, and his life is completely turned upside down he goes back to the one that is still available. He begs her to “save his life”. Romantic gesture. She takes him back. She complies with all of his requests. He marries her… AFTER she gets pregnant. Sounds like a happy ending. At first thought it is. On second thought… I loved you. I was faithful to you, even though you weren’t my man. You disrespect me by buying me the same dress you bought another woman. Calling me her name while I’m being intimate with you. Then tell me if I’m unwilling to put up with that type of treatment then I can step. Yet when everything in your life goes to hell, I just take you back because you need me. What!

This is the thing. Women, most women, are very forgiving creatures. When we love, we love hard. I can only speak for me, but my love is permanent. We tend to want to believe men we love. We want to forgive them. We want to believe they have our best interests at heart. That’s all fine. The bible says to be forgiving. To turn the other cheek. I know a lot of women will read this, and I ask you to think, if it hasn’t happened to you personally I bet you know at least one person it has happened to: You, or someone you know, has forgiven a man repeatedly, then when she did something or he just got tired of her, there was nothing she could do to get that same courtesy from him. When men are done… they are done. There is no forgiveness. There is no second chance. They’re done. You can’t talk to them. They will ignore you, and just move on. You could have forgiven them 10 times… doesn’t matter. They are done. For us, it’s a different story. We may not take you back, but we will always listen to what you have to say. There are always exceptions of course.

Most of us have made a fool of ourselves over a man before, it’s nothing new and nothing to even be embarrassed about. I, personally, find it funny that thinking someone is “crazy” for wanting to be with you, but I realize now men operate on a completely different thought process. Following your heart is never a bad thing, but not learning from past mistakes will cause you to repeat them. I believe in every situation you need to get either a blessing or a lesson. Often the lesson is the blessing. When you value yourself, and know that you deserve respect you can get out of any situation with your dignity intact. I recently wrote that maybe men should try thinking more like women instead of women always having to adjust our thinking to accommodate them, but maybe they are on to something. Maybe we should be a little less tolerant and not so quick to forgive. Maybe things would be better for us if we didn’t give second and third chances. You can “think like a man” all you want, but if you don’t believe the thoughts in your heart, it isn’t going to do you much good. It’s easy to change actions, but feelings are a lot harder to get rid of. Even with my current circumstance, I love the differences between men and women. I love being a woman. I love men. I don’t want to change my thinking, and I don’t want them to change theirs, but we would all be better off if we learned how to communicate with each other. A ‘Mo Better communication process.

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6 Comments

  1. I recently found myself completely in love with this guy. The feeling was not returned. I wasn’t use to that. I didn’t know what to do. One day I got it into my head that I was going to make a grand gesture. I was going to show him how much he meant to me. I was going to send him roses. Maybe “secret admirer” cards, I hadn’t worked out the details, but when I go… I go big. Then it hit me…”Why”? What had he done to deserve such special treatment? He ignored me. He took my love and friendship for granted, and preyed on my weakness… being ignored. For that, I was going to spoil him with flowers and gifts?

    I am so glad you came to your senses. A lot of women claim to be “in love” but when you dig deeper they can’t tell you why they supposedly love that other person or what exactly that person did to gain their love.

    One thing I learned years ago, LOVE is a verb- it shows action. If a man hasn’t shown you he loves you, then chances are he doesn’t.

  2. Thank you. I’m glad I “came to my senses” as well. I’m sure he is too. What a colossal waste of time. Unfortunately we can’t help who we fall in love with, but we can control our actions. Everyone isn’t deserving of your love, and no one is worth your self-respect. I gave away a lot of that because I thought he was worth it…at the time. You live. You learn. You love again. If someone thinks they aren’t deserving of the attention you lavish on them…I tend to agree they aren’t.

  3. Awesome. I never thought of the movie like that. I know a lot of women that has happened to, including myself, we forgive and they dont. I always wonder why it is so easy for them to move on. I love what the writer said about men making big gestures is romantic, but if we do it, it’s crazy or we get called stalkers. If a man doesn’t appreciate attention & love he isn’t worth it! He certainly doesn’t deserve it. BTW, I hate that ignoring s___ too!

  4. I love it! I totally feel you, especially with the grand gesture thing. Men don’t seem to appreciate things like that, until it’s too late that is. I use to like that movie, I thought it was a happy ending too, until Ia thought about it. WE give men so much power, and when we stop they start saying we’re bitter. Most of us have a right to be bitter. I’m sure if you thought the guy in your personal situation was worthy of your love, he was a good guy, but anyone that ignores you isn’t worth your time. That is the most cowardly thing ever!

  5. Wow! This sounds like my last relationshp except I didn’t chase him… but all the the other shinangins happen to me! I loved hard and couldn’t even tell you why really. I knew he had flaws and so many times I forgave him -knowing he would do something stupid again- but I believe he’d change for me- because he claimed to have loved me and wanted to make it right with me. After cheating repeatly, so many lies told, and emails and phone calls from other women- I finally snap out of it- and left after 3 1/2 years! But I left for good the last time. I changed my mind(forgot about my heart) built enough inner strength, had a “come to Jesus meeting” and shedded alot of tears to get over this “strongold”- when I left I left for good. I often think of him. Still love him- but we can not be togther- I know how to love and let go from a distance now. Thank God!

  6. Man…I could have written this, I agree with every word. Down to the authors personal scenerio. I’m glad you didn’t spend a dime on him! I HATE when men start ignoring, but I guess that really isn’t a man…that’s a boy. Then they want to start calling US crazy! We do give them too much control, and when we stop, they say we’re bitter. This article ROCKS!!!