I recently had a gentleman friend treat me so badly, I became angry. Me. It was foreign to me. When things have gone wrong in the past it has always made me sad. It has always caused me to look inwardly to see what it is that I did to make things bad. It has caused me to see, and do whatever I could to try to fix it. I went to him. I tried to find what it was that I did to upset him. He refused to tell me. I became enraged. My face was red. I could feel my blood pressure rising. I didn’t know what was happening. Why wasn’t I crying? I’m normally crying by now because of sadness. What was this feeling? I literally felt hate in my heart for this man. How could this be? I am a Christian. I am known for my giving spirit, and my forgiving nature. How could I let hatred into my heart? Not only is it a sin, but a complete waste of time and energy.
People tend to think hate is the opposite of love. It isn’t. Indifference is. When you have hate for someone, you still feel something. When you are indifferent that person has no meaning to you at all. Indifference hurts. I saw on a program once that revenge may be the ultimate compliment. It means someone has affected your life so severely that you feel you must retort. They have caused so much damage to your life; you feel you must have the same effect on them. I wondered if hate had the same effect.
This feeling of anger, and hatred was consuming me. It took away not only my happiness, but my peace. I questioned God and His plan for me. This had gone TOO FAR. I prayed. I prayed. God please give me my peace back. No person is worth that. What if either of us died today… would I want this on my heart? Of course not. I want to give people their “flowers” while they’re here. I recently had a loved one pass, and I’d do anything to be able to tell them I love them once more. No matter what someone does to you, the anger, the rage, the hate, it affects YOU… not THEM. It isn’t worth it.
I’ve never liked the expression: “They are going on about their life, not thinking about you… you shouldn’t think about them.” I don’t really know how it would make you actually feel better, but I know carrying grief certainly will not. I didn’t feel better knowing that he didn’t care how hurt I was, but I felt worse knowing my pain was crippling me. I was no longer my happy go lucky self. I was angry, and I wanted everyone to know it, http://brownsista.com/gay-straight-young-or-old/. So for my sanity. For my peace of mind. For my joy & happiness I had to do something that has come naturally to me in the past. Something that for this person was very hard for me to give… forgiveness. He didn’t ask for it. He doesn’t care about it. He doesn’t want it. I give it freely. I give it honestly. I give it sincerely. As soon as I released that anger, and let the forgiveness flow into my heart… the pain went away. I felt better. Regardless of how things ended, for a brief period of time he was my friend. For a period of time, I cared for him. I choose not to remember the bad, I will not forget it, but I will not focus on it. I will forgive him because in the grand scheme of things this is a bad moment in great life. So, I say openly and publically, because I harbor nothing but love in my heart, I forgive you my “friend” with all that I have. I will keep nothing but love for you, and speak of you fondly, because as a human that is what you deserve. I give you your “flowers” now. I hope one day he will forgive me for whatever I did, but that is something he will have to deal with, and answer for… my part is done.
I say to my sisters that are holding on to anger from past loves, family members, or friends… let it go! Let it go. A day of anger and bitterness is too much. YOU deserve better, and as long as you hold on to the past, you will never move forward. Yes, they did you wrong, no doubt…but that means they do not deserve YOU. Let it go. I promise you, when you give that forgiveness, your spirit will change, and the happiness will flow. Let them deal with what they did, because at the end of the day, it is their problem…don’t let it be yours.