The Six REAL Reasons Men Cheat…And Why Women Let Us
Change. President Barack Obama chanted that we needed “a change we can believe in” and Sam Cooke sang “A Change Gon’ Come”. In both instances, both men alluded to a something greater than themselves being right around the bend; a reality that, with whatever hardships were being faced currently, would and could be realized if we continued to press on. Sorry to mislead you but that’s not what this is about. There is no grand podium to stand at waxing and waning; to get to the heart of the subject you have to jump knee deep into the psychology of men at large and what makes us tick before, during and after marriage. This is about the change that some men bring about in their married lives due to infidelity and why they believe themselves entitled to go outside of their marriage and as such, if we’re going to have real dialogue on this subject, it is imperative that we identify the influences and enablers of this mentality. This article isn’t to condone the actions taken by some men but more so a window into the soul of those that do it and even possibly an opportunity for us all to further our understanding of this increasingly occurring phenomenon.
Men of History
From mythological figures like Zeus to religious martyrs such as Martin Luther King, Jr., there have been many cases where a man that we’ve looked up to as iconic foundations were found in bed with other women than their wives. Does it tarnish their image? Perhaps, but nevertheless the ideals they stand for stand intact. Former president Bill Clinton’s extra marital activities may have been the catalyst for his wife Hilary’s move to run for the oval office.
Wilt Chamberlain is just as renown for sleeping with ‘over 20,000 women’ as his NBA high 100 points in a single game. Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant and Tiger Wood’s indiscretion weren’t enough to knock them from the pedestal they’d been placed on either. To most men, while they would decree the star’s behavior wrong in public, innately nod their head to (save Tiger with that one wolf mistress) their ability to bag top notch dime pieces. Generally, we agree with Bill Bellamy’s “he’s getting booty on every golf course” statement 100%. If men with stature and fame can cheat without any real consequences, why can’t I?
Our Social Circle
When guys get around each other or men from the generation before, that manhood camaraderie often includes tales of past sexual exploits aka “the good ole days” and hearing about nightcaps stemming from nightclub encounters, grocery store rendezvous and then current girlfriend’s freaky friends makes the guys a little envious, especially if their own bedpost isn’t as notched up. Our fathers have instilled in us that men are the creators of life, suns of the seed and providers of quality livelihoods for our families.
Within us are the culmination of lifetimes upon lifetimes of their forefathers who were conquerors and women were objects to be conquered. From dragging a cavewoman home by her hair to Shakespearian courting, love was but a game and every man wanted to tout his prowess. Competitive in nature, men began conquering tribes and villages, settlements, towns and nations because we aspire to be dominant. A man was judged by how strong his house was, the quality of land, sword and women he was surrounded with. As time progressed and civilization changed, the need to wield spears and muskets lessened. Carnal desires became taboo and now, the only two real arenas to fulfill that lust for accomplishment is in our financial and personal lives. That is why you see so many men flock towards the pick up artists like Tariq Nasheed and Mystery—we’re always looking to improve the value of our situation. If my friends can experience mind blowing unattached sexual encounters on the daily, why can’t I?
Like the aforementioned Tariq Nasheed and Mystery, it is well known that “macking” is big business. You can tell by the numbers of guys tuning in to VH1, buying books on the subject and crowding convention centers to see them speak live. There has never been a time that being a man around town has been more celebrated and with stereotypical satires like Two Can Play That Game, Menage a Trois, Def Jam’s How to Be a Player and Why Do Fools Fall In Love the premise of a man unwilling to commit to a single woman is made larger than life and takes away some of the more serious concepts therein. Even in Japanese animation do you find a specialized genre for this one aspect. In ‘harem’ anime we see the protagonist surrounded, usually amorously, by three or more members of the opposite sex. In many a man’s mind if Flavor Flav can pull chicks like that, there must be hope for him if he staves off putting his all into a woman. That the supposed reality is suspended when the camera comes on doesn’t even matter. If we’re constantly being told that cheating is not only accepted, but expected, why can’t I?
The modern day woman has a lot on her plate. Aside from being the primary care giver for children, she has to battle for her place in the upper standings of the business world. It’d be foolish to say that women don’t face a day as tough as her counterpart every single time she leaves the house. She’s expected to be married by a certain age, pregnant by a certain age and encapsulate an unachievable realm of beauty upheld by the cosmetic community. When it comes to dating, it’s almost as if they have to strap on Army boots and snap their helmets into place before ordering the hors d’oeuvre because they aren’t sure what the intentions are of the guy they’re out with.
Even after stepping over the Mr. Landmines on the battlefield and saving Private Ryan, she still has to worry about his commitment to her. After all that it’s understandable why so many women feel like they should have to take what they can get and if a man is willing to build a family with her; just about any outside activity can be forgiven. Before my inbox catches fire from all of the angry responders, let’s look more into why women who allow their men to be unfaithful are not helping the situation.
Men want to build a solid foundation for themselves and finding a woman capable of making sure the fort is secure is rare in itself. Having that, however, doesn’t do away with us finding other women physically attractive and wanting to converse and flirt with them. For most that know what they have at home, being able to play around without actually becoming intimate is enough. No man wants to feel restricted and being monogamous is something that some men have a harder time coping with than others. For those that flirting isn’t enough, having relations with different and new women is a priority of theirs whether you are there or not and even though he may not act upon his impulses, he is not a happy guy and eventually, it will manifest itself like lava from a volcano.
“Why get married then?” Simply enough, he wants progeny, he wants someone he can give a million dollars to, leave for a year and come back to two, hypothetically. He wants a ride or die chick but he doesn’t want to have to force himself to be into sex with her when he isn’t feeling it anymore. His little head tells his big head that it is bored and he listens. You do yourself a disservice by allowing this because even though he says no one will come before you, if the right type does, he will. If he lucks up into a chick who is more about her business while looking like she moonlights as a Maxim magazine cover model, he will leave. Really, it all boils down to love and how men perceive it completely different than women do. There are no fairytales, no glitter and sprinkles flying everywhere when a man loves a woman; only a functionality that serves his end purpose. Not quite mechanical but close. When you let him know early on that you aren’t for the foolishness, plain and simple, he will have to make a choice either to hang up his ‘player card’ or fold on the marriage. Either way, he knows you are about business. If I cheat and you let me back in because you are afraid of losing the relationship, why can’t I?
Some guys believe that they have a problem when it comes to infidelity. They stutter and stammer about how hard it is at work, the amount of problems that has been present in their relationships and how unfulfilled they’ve been in life in general. Nothing good ever comes their way and they seek pity from society. There were no Alcoholics Anonymous before 1935; people chose to drink themselves into an early death from cirrhosis. The same applies to lung cancer from smoking. Smokers knew the risk yet still puffed their lungs black because they wanted to. Habitual cheaters can bemoan their woes all they like but the truth of the matter is no one is forcing him to whip out his credit card to pay for a night at a sleezy hotel with the captain of the bust down oral debate team. It’s weak, imbecilic and a deterrent to owning up to his own faults but it still goes on to this day and women still continue to turn a blind eye to it. If I can make up a pseudo-scientific reason behind why I cheat, why can’t I?
Back to what started this piece off in the first place. Men are always looking for change as long as it benefits them. How that change affects the people they care for most can only be seen from inside the bubble but it is devastating to find out (sometimes ungracefully) that he’s secretly been doing the wop with women all over town. When men cheat, at the root of it is that he is not satisfied with his condition at home. It could be something that you as a woman do not possess or something that you do that he can’t stand.
Perhaps you’ve gained a few pounds or refuse to do something he likes in the bedroom. It could be the shellshock from seeing for the first time that he’s in his thirties with two kids and a mortgage payment and he’s depressed from seeing his hair in the sink every morning. Change is the byproduct of a life crisis, mid or not, and can only be corrected once he diagnoses that there is a problem. You yelling, crying, throwing dishes, threatening to leave and hating him will not bring him back to the guy you fell in love with all those years ago. Instead, that will drive the wedge deeper between you two and rather than just occasionally think about Jennifer hidden in his phone contact list under Jared, he will go ahead a call. It’s not like I’m the only husband cheating, besides, you want for nothing. Why can’t I?
With everything that I’ve listed so far, the one thing I haven’t touched on is what to do about a man who feels like cheating is as natural as the sun peering through a window. If you feel so violated by his actions that you can’t bear to imagine your life with him, then leave. He may be upset but at no point in any marriage should either person be so disenchanted with the other that they seek the company of somebody new. If you can forgive him, make it crystal clear that his actions were not okay and if it ever happens again, you will be gone. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. There has to be a real and significant reason for continuing the relationship and just because you don’t know anything outside of him isn’t cause enough for you to take his ‘solution’ to a sustainable marriage. At the end of it all, sometimes it’s just that the companionship between you two has been strained dealing with real life struggles and he wants to reinvigorate himself and feel not so constricted to what he thinks is a mundane, peanut butter and jelly, existence.
Charles the CEO