Too Good To Just Be a Baby Mama

TOO GOOD TO BE A BABY MAMA

A former co-worker shared a story about a cute dance that his daughter did and how much he and her mother enjoyed it. I asked a question about his daughter’s mother, referring to her as his girlfriend. He corrected me and said, “She not my girlfriend, she my baby mama.” I asked him why does he call her that, he said because that’s what she is to him. His words were on my mind for a long time. I concluded that I feel that the term “baby mama” sounds very insignificant. In my opinion, to only be someone’s baby mama means, you’re good enough to sleep with, but you’re not good enough to marry. That’s totally the opposite of what is supposed to happen. I asked him if he has used that title in front of her, he said yes and does it all the time. This was puzzling and made me evaluate my relationship at the time because my boyfriend and I were having premarital sex. I asked myself, “Could I be comfortable with that title if I were to have his baby before marriage?” My answer was no!

I’ve always known that I would want to experience motherhood one day, God-willing. However, I want a family unit. It’s only right to have my future child’s last name before my child is even conceived. This would give me a better feeling about entering this new stage in my life. It shows that the man that I’m going to share this life-long commitment with has chosen me out of all the other women, past, present, and future. Most importantly, it shows that I’m his CHOICE, not just the mother of his child.

If some husbands use that reference, I see it as being playful because it’s obvious that the wives aren’t just the baby mama. In Jay-Z’s new song, “On the Run (Part II)” featuring his beautiful wife Beyonce, he calls her his baby mama. I thought it was cute because they’ve been married for years prior to her unfortunate miscarriage and Little Miss Blue. Plus we know what she means to him. So the lyric flowed. I also thought about the fact that they could have engaged in premarital sex before the marriage, but it no longer matters because they made it right and tied the knot.

While sharing this with you ladies, I will admit that I’m no saint. But I still reach for perfection no matter how much I mess up. That’s what God wants us to do. I used to say that it was okay to have sex as long as I was in a relationship. I was soooo clueless. I was doing something that I had no business doing. Even though I was an adult, it didn’t permit me to take part. The law doesn’t have a minimum age limit for sex, but God has a simple rule as to who can and who can’t. It may be a long time before I get married. Marriage may not be in His plan for me at all. Either way, I’m not doing it again until my honeymoon night. Love making is supposed to come AFTER marriage, it represents a physical expression of love for one another.

Since I believe that sex is married people’s business and no one else’s, I understand that being in a relationship means you’re still single. It’s a trial stage, so why have sex and take the risk of possibly co-parenting with someone forever if you’re not 100% positive that you want to be with them forever? If forever is in your plan, then why not get married?

When talking to people about this topic, I get a lot of, “just use condoms, use birth control, etc.” That’s sounds good and everything but, contraceptives are man-made which means that they’re flawed. Not only that, but they stop people from fulfilling one of the reasons why we’re here, to reproduce. Society has taken this beautiful experience between two people that are now one and devalued it into an activity that you do when you “get the urge.” Too many babies are born out of wedlock and/or unexpected, and I want my future children to know that not only did God want them here, but mommy and daddy did too.

13 Comments

  1. I really appreciate your idealistic views that I once shared as a young woman. I diligently saved myself for marriage, only to have my fiance’ force me to have sex, and since he had been lieing for a while that we’d be married, and I loved him, I never pressed charges eventhough he technically raped me and ran off.

    Once your virginity is lost you cant get it back. Once you know the touch of a man you will forever seek that touch, and that is the way God made it.

    So I ended up trying hard to forever bond with every man I slept with, only to find out all they ever wanted was a taste of love and to move on. I was diligent about my birth control, however, and I’m very thankful that when I did get pregnant out of wedlock, I CHOSE LIFE, and dont have to live with the stain of an abortion on my conscious. Abortion should never be an option. God will provide. Children dont need to be rich to be happy. All they need is love and basic care – not a life of luxury is NEEDED.

    After 2 horrible marriages it took me 47 years to find the love of my life, but it did finally happen, and I thank God for that.

    I had my tubes tied when my son’s father turned out to be a deadbeat. I do regret not having one more child so that he could have a sibling – just one more.

  2. I really appreciate your idealistic views that I once shared as a young woman. I diligently saved myself for marriage, only to have my fiance’ force me to have sex, and since he had been lieing for a while that we’d be married, and I loved him, I never pressed charges eventhough he technically raped me and ran off.

    Once your virginity is lost you cant get it back. Once you know the touch of a man you will forever seek that touch, and that is the way God made it.

    So I ended up trying hard to forever bond with every man I slept with, only to find out all they ever wanted was a taste of love and to move on. I was diligent about my birth control, however, and I’m very thankful that when I did get pregnant out of wedlock, I CHOSE LIFE, and dont have to live with the stain of an abortion on my conscious. Abortion should never be an option. God will provide. Children dont need to be rich to be happy. All they need is love and basic care – not a life of luxury is NEEDED.

    After 2 horrible marriages it took me 47 years to find the love of my life, but it did finally happen, and I thank God for that.

    I had my tubes tied when my son’s father turned out to be a deadbeat. I do regret not having one more child so that he could have a sibling – just one more.

  3. In regards to the label “baby mama” I really dont have a problem with that one. My son’s father was so low down that he married someone else when my son was 2 yrs old, and when I had to take him to court for child support he called me every “bish” in the book and his haitian family did the same. People like me would love to be called Baby Mama. At least it shows respect that you are the mother of his baby.

  4. i have heard that term sooo many times that it is dizzying!! i was a teenager in the mid eighties when crack and the promiscuity of my peers was rampant! and i admit, i wanted to be part of the in-crowd sometimes, just never wanted to be a “baby mama”! to me it felt like some sort of strange trophy, like “i had his bay-bee”, “i got his junior”, and “we dont love dem ho*s”. i was that child, i was a product of un-in-love parents and it made me want more for my offspring. i wanted them to have a real feeling of belonging. that their family was theirs, no doubt about it, no DNA test needed. it was too important to me. i didnt want any man to say that i was less of anything to me or my kids. it creates a gulf when the parents dont like each other and i know it happens in marriages at times, but i was willing to take that chance. i wanted to be a wife, and if someone else didnt, ok, cool, but me? no. and im glad that God sent me a great dad for my children in my husband. families are made up so many different ways, but i like the 2 parent structure, so i get what you are saying. i am the mama of his babies, but i was his wife first.

  5. Yes being a loved wife first is always the right way to go, but because of this serious man shortage, a huge percent of our black girls would be denied the God given right to reproduce if they thought that is the only way to have a family. There is nothing sadder than a woman denied the right of wife status to also be denied the right to have her children in her old age to comfort her.

  6. @Barbara, thank you for sharing your story. I applaud you for staying positive through your situations, it’s very inspiring. That goes to show, even if you have a baby out of wedlock, you can still get married! Never give up! There were times where I thought I was going to have a baby out of wedlock, but for whatever reason, God said it wasn’t my turn. So I took that as a 2nd chance and just stopped having sex altogether. My child’s father probably would have been a good dad, but I probably would have been a single parent, and I don’t want that. I want a marriage b/c I it. I appreciate the bond that a married couple has, and the supporting of each other when they’re struggling, and how the love for one another strengthens when the trying times are over b/c they’ve stood by each other. I want women, specifically Black women, to know that we don’t have to settle and that marriage isn’t only a dream for us. It’s a reality if you want it bad enough and actually do something about it. In my situation, I didn’t see myself ever having a marriage as long as I was having premarital sex. Others have gotten married but were having premarital sex, however it wasn’t working for me. So I simply stopped! Anyway, I’m glad your “Adam” found you, I’ll be patiently waiting on mine! God Bless and thanks for reading! 🙂

  7. @Barbara, I almost forgot! That “serious man shortage”, yes! I know exactly what you’re talking about! I don’t know if we live in the same city, but it must be the truth if we don’t. Maybe once I get through to my sistas, I can talk to my brothas.

  8. @Jessica, “I got his junior?” Wow, I didn’t know that this craze was happening then too. My parents didn’t divorce until their children became adults, so I grew up w/ the standard family. Looking at my parent’s marriage is what made me want one (I said that like it’s a toy lol). My dad played his role as a man, husband, and father to a son and a daughter, while my mom played her role as a CAREER woman, wife, and mom to a son and a daughter. Plus she still had time to cook dinner. They showed affection to each other in front of us, and even though my brother and I thought it was disgusting, I understood why they did it. So now, I want to come home from work and give my husband a kiss whether or not the kids are around. If they are, I want them to say, “Eww, mom and dad, get a room!” Lol. Overall, I know families come in different combinations so I can only speak on what it is that I want and know. And I want a husband and then children! Women (and men) should know even if you have a child out of wedlock and you’re not w/ the other parent, you can still make it right and get married to who was meant for you. Be happy! W/ one person! I don’t know if single mothers/fathers who have a child or multiple children think that no one will want them, but they’re wrong! We’re here to have somebody and mate. I just want better for our world. 🙂

  9. Auja, it’s mom and I am so proud of the woman you’ve become. It pleases me and daddy beyond measure to read your life expressions in these articles. Keep up the great work and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart about the goodness and disciplines of God’s word.

    Much love,
    MOM

  10. @Jean, thanks Mum! I’m glad to know to that you guys are proud of your daughter b/c I’m proud of my parents and proud to be your guys’ daughter!:)

  11. Such a sweet moment between you two (Jean & Auja)! I feel the love.

    Auja I grew up a lot like you and I can totally relate to my parents slobbing each other down in front of us and my brothers and I would be utterly disgusted. But now, I intentionally do it in my front of my daughters and I love their reaction. I tell them all the time, that one day they’ll understand and be happy that I did it. Family, marriage, and love are all a beautiful thing if we’re willing to see it for what it truly is and not the idealistic version of what it is.

    P.S. I have to respectfully disagree with the man shortage theory…LOL

  12. @Sweet Serenity, Thanks lol, that’s what we’re about! I think witnessing the love is a crucial part in how we date, women and men. I know it was for me. And I respect your respectful disagreement lol. I can’t (but can) wait until someone comes along that will make me disagree w/ the serious man shortage. I know serious men are out there somewhere. Thanks for reading and bonding! God Bless 🙂

  13. I agree with you 100%. I REFUSE to be a baby mama. My current boyfriend who I’ve been with for 2 years has a toddler son and wants kids with me and I told him no ring, no babies. I’m sorry but I think the name “baby mama” sounds like trash and I’ve heard him talk about his baby mama and I’ll be damned if we have kids and we break up and he goes around talking about me like I’m nothing. I have a lot of self respect and self worth and I know what I deserve I’m not settling.

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