When He Won’t Marry You

posted by LJ Knight on September 20th, 2009 at 5:54 am

woman sad wedding 450ms082609 140x140 When He Wont Marry You I take this romantic tidbit from one of my Cali home girls who has been with her man for about eight or nine years. One would think that by this point they might be married, engaged or at least living together. No dice. Eight years and they are still only boyfriend and girlfriend. The even more disturbing part is that at one point in a heated argument he told her he would never marry her. In his defense he did take it back shortly after but I have always heard that when someone tells you something like that you should believe them because they are telling you how they really feel about you. Some might disagree and say that you should not take comments made out of anger seriously. I think it can be forgiven but not forgotten in every case and this would be one of those cases where you keep a mental note. I realize that in relationships the quality of the relationship is more important than the quantity, but damn! How long should a woman wait patiently especially if marriage is something that she desires? Should you place a time limit on love? There fear that every woman in this situation has is that you stay with a man for years waiting patiently and expectantly because you just KNOW that he is going to ask you at some point. Yup, you will definitely be the one he makes his wife because you have invested so much time into him and he you. More and more time passes and he never asks or even desires it.

Click here to read more relationship articles by LJ Knight (Yeahshesaidit.com).

With all things in life there are stages. In high-school you start out as an unsure Freshman and progress into a confident Senior. Relationships work in the same fashion. You may start out as boyfriend and girlfriend, continue on in a healthy relationship, some live together for a time period and then they progress into being engaged and ultimately then comes marriage. The steps may alter from couple to couple but there certainly are steps. Don’t be fooled into otherwise.

The safest approach would be to know what you are dating for. Some people date for marriage and others for companionship. In my case I am a greedy chick so I want both. Ha! You also have to consider what you are looking for. I figure that after being with a person for 7, 8, 9 years you should know whether they possess the qualities you want in a life partner. Now, people do change and grow over time but most don’t do dramatic changes unless something dramatic happens in their lives to cause them to change. This change could be for the good or the bad. It depends on the individuals desires. Lastly, it is in every person’s best interest to learn themselves and take time to figure out what qualities they want from a companion.
After a certain amount of time, one should be open with their partners and express their wants and needs to them so that it is clear as to whether they are on the same page or not. That way you will not feel that you wasted your time and want to grab a gun and a shovel and neither will they.

Which brings me back to my original question. How long would you wait ladies? Honestly, is a good man worth the long wait and or the possibility that he may never marry you? Do you pressure him into marriage and hope that he will see things your way and not resent you because “you know what’s best for him”? Personally, I think that life is too short and if there are things in life that you desire then you should have them. There is a chance that he could be afraid and that fear could subside but what if it doesn’t? You wake up and you two have been together 20 years and no marriage license in sight!

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14 Comments

  1. KEEP IT REAL 4 EVER

    I PERSONALLY WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN WITH HIM 8 YEARS 2 LONG WITH NO COMMITMENT (MARRIAGE). I UNDERSTAND SOMETIME IT CAN TAKE A MOMENT TO GET TO MARRIAGE BUT NOT 8 YEARS. IN MY PERSONAL OPINION SOMEWHERE AROUND THE 1ST YEAR OF DATING 1 SHOULD HAVE AN IDEA IF YOU WANT TO INVEST TIME IN SOMEONE OR NOT. I WOULD SAY THIS RULE REALLY APPLY TO THOSE WHO ARE 35 AND OVER.. BECAUSE WE HAVE GAINED SO MUCH KNOWLEDGE BY THEN SO WE ALREADY NO PRETTY MUCH OFF THE BAT IF HE/SHE IS THE ONE YOU WANT TO TAKE A CHANCE ON. BUT FOR THOSE YOUNGER LIKE 20′S EARLY 30′S. I WOULD GIVE MORE TIME BECAUSE OF AGE IMMATURE LEST SAY 3 YRS. AND THIS IS MY OPINION HOWEVER I WAS RAISED WITH A LOT OF BROTHERS AND HAVE A LOT OF MEN FRIENDS WHO HAVE TOLD ME THAT MEN KNOW REALLY FAST WHAT THEY WHAT FROM A WOMEN ALMOST IMMEADIATELY. BECAUSE GUYS ARE EXPERT IN READING WOMEN. THEY ALREADY HAVE FOR KNOWLEDGE LIKE YEAH I WOULD WIFE THIS ONE. OR NO I WILL JUST KEEP HER AROUND FOR SEX OR BABY MOMMA MATERIAL ETC. I KNOW IT SOUNDS BAD BUT MEN REALLY HAVE A PLAN FOR WHERE HE’S HEADED@ RELATIONSHIP WISE MORE SO THAN WE KNOW (WOMEN) ARE WOULD LIKE TO THINK. BUT 8 YEARS IS 2 LONG TO BE WITH A GUY/WOMEN WITHOUT MARRIAGE. AT THAT POINT WHAT IS THE POINT. BUT I FEEL THAT WOMEN STAY BECAUSE OF HOPING TO CHANGE THEIR POSITION N THE RELATIONSHIP. AND THEY LOOK @ ALL THE TIME INVESTED WHICH CAN MAKE IT HARDER TO LEAVE SO NOW YOU GO ON AND INVEST MORE TIME. AND USUALLY IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION WHEN HE GETS MARRIED IT USUALLY WILL NOT BE TO THE 1 THAT WASTED ALL THAT TIME WITH HIM. MEN ARE VERY STRANGE CREATURES AND THAT IS WHY I HAVE MY OWN RULES I PLAY BY. AND I AM SERIOUS ABOUT MY TIME EVEN MORE SO KNOW BECAUSE I AM OLDER. RULE # 1 YOU WILL RESPECT ME @ ALL TIMES AND YOU WILL NOT WASTE MY TIME PERIOD. BUT YOU KNOW LIVE AND LEARN HOWEVER. BUT I AM ONE OF THOSE TYPE OF WOMEN THAT HAS NO PROBLEM GETTING WIFED@ ALL. BUT I NOTICED A LOT WOMEN DO. AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY? I KNOW REALLY BEAUTIFUL LIKE TOTAL PACKAGE WOMEN THAT HAVE IT HARD GETTING A GUY TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND WIFE THEM. GETTING MARRIED IS EITHER DIFFICULT OR NOT DIFFICULT FOR SOME WOMEN. IT SEEMS TO BE NO ROOM FOR IN BETWEEN. QUESTION TO MY OTHER LADIES ON THIS TOPIC WHAT DO YOU THINK?

  2. If you know what you’re looking for well THAT IS your limit but for some people if you feel you are able to tweak it then do it. I had a 2nd cousin who i’m close with who was involved with a man for 10 years and had 3 kids with him during that 10 yrs before they got married and they have been married for 4 yrs now. She didn’t want to wait that long and she wanted to marry after the first but he had an issue with put papers on it. Part of me is like ladies don’t rush a man if you want to but then again know what you want and before ya’ll get too far in ask what he wants while making it clear you’re not trying to rush or scare him and do that to see if what he wants matches up close enough.

    Yes AT SOME POINT be it 6 month, 6 years you’ll know if the relationship is getting stale. Personally I don’t care either way about marriage meaning to me it doesn’t always mean a person loves you more OR LESS and it doesn’t always equal they will stay with you and invest in you no matter what. With that I wouldn’t be the one to pressure him to get married And out of my experience men usually ask me first if I ever want to get married one day.

  3. And to that last question for some women it (marriage licesne) doesn’t matter … he’s still there are 20 yrs ain’t he?

  4. KEEP IT REAL 4 EVER your CAPS make it impossible to read your post. :-(

  5. Blame it on tha Rain

    Did your friend ever make it clear w/ said person in a reasonable time span of the relationship letting him know that marriage is something that she desired? And when I say did she make it clear, I mean was she upfront about it, not “beating around the bush” w/ what she wanted. No she doesn’t have to be rude or aggressive about it, but let him know.
    Some ppl are ok w/ just being together & don’t need a liscense to prove that their relationship is a true union. While others want that legitmate piece of paper. Everyone is different when it comes to it & there is nothing wrong w/ that. HOWEVER, in the course of the relationship when things are being discussed like dreams, aspirations, where you see yourself in 10 yrs. You should also put out there if you have a desire for marriage, kids, & any other life changing events. NO you don’t have to do it on the VERY 1st date, but if you see that you & this person are getting very close, these things NEED to be discussed.
    You can’t wait until you are 8,9,& 10+ yrs in the relationship & have built a home together to get angry & annoyed that this man has NOT asked you to marry him. He may not have the same views on marriage as you do & therefore you have wasted time on something you could have known from the jump.I say that if marriage is something you truly desire & you have stucked w/ this person for that long & he hasn’t married you, I say walk away. B/c the entire time that the 2 of you are together you will be annoyed & miserable b/c he hasn’t popped the question yet & that would make for a unhappy home.

  6. I think in 2 years a couple should know where they are headed. I would not spend more than that with a man if I wanted to marry him. Men don’t pay attention to time, and women really should. I have a couple of friends who were with their men for 6 or more years. Both guys married women that they met while in those relationships and quickly married the new women. Men know when they have met “the one”. Don’t allow anyone to waste your youth, your beauty or time if you want something they don’t.

  7. i totally understand people who do not want to get married or are willing to wait. however, in my opinion legally marriage offers more protection particularly if you live with and/or have children with someone. and it makes death, and other things that crop up over ten years easier to deal with.

  8. In My opinion if someone propose and the other accept it means they are ready to get married or they should be, Why accept an engagement ring if you are not ready to get married ?

  9. I think everyone is ready at different paces. Its up to the indiviuals to decide when their ready. I don’t think you can really put a time limit on it. Just live life and when the time is ready the couple will know.

  10. For all you young ladies stop fooling yourself and saying that a marriage certificate does not matter because it does. You will not be able to take care of anything business wise if you don’t have that marriage licesense. Look at Lil Kim the mistress and how she got played versus Faith the wife. Don’t get it twisted that is more than a piece of paper.

  11. @Christine!!!
    Girl, I could not have said it better myself. I know plenty women, who have been in a relationship for 8 years even, they get dumped 6 months later the man is married. And all this 8 years they’ve had something that said leave but they never did because they were hoping for marriage. 2 years is also my cut off time. If U still can’t decide about me, lets take a break brother. I would rather be happy and fulfilled alone, than waiting for something to happen with a man. I want to get married someday, but I will not sacrifice my happiness and goals for someone eho wont even sacrifice a football match for me. And to all those who belive marriage doesn’t matter, U are wrong. When you get married, your union is recognised by God and your families as one. And if a man trully loves you, he would want that for your lives. Your relationship to mean something more.

  12. Nicki=Maxwell Fan

    Woooh Chile! LOL This is alot of comments to read! I will come back 2 read later….anyways good topic!

  13. Ladies, the name of the game is to be happy enough with yourself to realize that marriage is something that you don’t really want these days. Men will forever use women for their pleasure and will become bored after the quest is over. They will sneak behind your back flirting with and sexing up other women. Marriage these days is ticket to divorce.

  14. well i was recently in a year-long relationship for a year and we had talked about marriage and babies and future goals and things but then seemingly out of nowhere he tells me he has an issue with me and that issue is something about me that has been the same since he 1st met me so idk. But once i really looked back at the relationship i was doing a lot of the work emotionally and socially so i say whatever time feels right for u.

    But ME personally if after about a year or 2 LIVING TOGETHER u not sure if u wanna marry me then i’m gone. Dont waste my time no further unless somethin traumatic happened to u within those two years.