When Should The Relationship End?

I have to address the ladies on this subject mainly because that’s where I have noticed most of the issues. Why do women hold on to relationships when it is blatant mistreatment going on. I have heard the excuse “we have been together for X amount of years” too many times. Since when does the amount of years justify why your self pride, self worth and value are discredited? Ladies you have to stop making excuses. Stop holding on to a person that is clearly not for you; or waiting to wake up one morning and see a changed person. Why is all your energy focused on saving something that isn’t worth or will not change. Kissing a frog and he turning into a prince is only in the fairy tales. For arguments sake let’s say at one point this man was your knight in shining armor and one day he changed and hasn’t been that person since then. Well clearly his feelings about you changed, whether you did something to make his feelings shift, or he just isn’t interested in the relationship anymore. What about the idea that maybe he just was that way to hook you, cause really who is a jerk from day one?

Let’s give some examples of mistreatment or abuse (in my opinion). Obviously physical abuse would be the number one example. I’m waiting for the answer to the million dollar question why would you stay with someone that treats you like a punching bag. What about verbal abuse. Calling you names that are demeaning; whore, bitch, slut etc. Add the adjectives stupid or fuckin in the front of those words and it makes it ten times worse. How can you forgive some one for that would belittle you in such a way. If another woman or person that owes you nothing called you that on the street you would be ready to fight. But a person that is suppose to love, cherish and respect you says it and it’s ok. Ok he says sorry he didn’t mean it he was just mad. FORGET THAT what you say first is usually your true thoughts. Of course we all say things that sometimes we don’t mean, and in the heat of the moment, but when it’s continuous let’s be real. When the relationship has gotten to the point of horrible and cruel insults that is not healthy. The deniel needs to be shaken off and you need to look into the reality of what’s in front of you simple and plain.

Thanks to Brown Sista for allowing me to be a guest blogger.  The above post is an original from my blog Ask Y and X, www.askyandx.blogspot.com, where I feature relationship issues.  I created Ask Y and X  for people to socialize with freedom of expression, and give their own stories or opinions.

In relationships where should the line be drawn to accept all the abuse and mistreatment? When is it ENOUGH?

21 Comments

  1. I am a woman who is in a situation like the one you are talking about. The only reason I stay around is because I am afraid of this man, and I have nowhere to go. All I can say is “If you can get out, GO!!!!!!!!” Trust me it only gets worse. The longer you stay the more unhappy you will be. I am 25 and I want to die, because of this situation. Pray for me!!

  2. @ Ms. Rica

    Do you have family you can go to? There’s no reason you should stay out of fear! You need to get your shit and bounce, even if it means moving out of town! If he’s physically abusing you, then you need to press charges. I don’t know you or the situation, but I will pray for you!

  3. Oh, Ms. Rica. 🙁
    You’re in my prayers from this day forward.

  4. “Ms. Rica”, it always sounds easier said than done, but I highly suggest that the first chance you get, get yourself, and your kid(s), if you have any, and leave. And I’m not talking about just going to the other side of the neighborhood or even to another part of your city. No, I’m talkin’ about another part of the state where you live or even to another part of the country. And if you ever get around to doing it, do not, DO NOT(!) tell even your friends. Yeah, that sounds drastic, I know. But I wouldn’t want for one of them to accidently tell this animal where you’ve gone. Cause when he finds out, he’s gonna come looking for you.
    Check it out, y’all. My wife has a good friend where she works. This good friend had a twin; notice what I said? HAD a twin. This twin was in a very physically abusive relationship. Eventually, this pig that she was living with killed the twin. The police caught him about a month later. He’s now doing 25 years in prison. To me, I don’t care how much time he got because even if he got 10,000 years, there is no amount of time in the universe that will ever bring back the twin.
    “Ms. Rica”, whatever you decide to do, it’s not going to be easy doing it. That’s why I’m gonna pray for you.

  5. @ Ms. Rica: I seriously wish you would take your own advise (which is great advise) seriously. Know that you CAN get out of this relationship. You have to take back YOUR power and know that you can get out of this situation. Please act on it NOW and not later. We all know what can happen when you stay in a relationship like that, i.e. Smooth Thug’s comment. I pray that you are able to find your strength and get out. Contact your local Women’s Shelter they can and will help you.

    I have never been in a relationship like this, but I have always asked the question “how can someone stay in a relationship like this” I have witnessed my mother go through this and I think that is where my frustration comes from. I believe that you should leave any relationship once you start to feel less than a person.

  6. Ms. Rica you broke my heart. I know some one who is in your sitatution, but all she has to do is leave b/c she DOES have family that can help. She is just being stubborn. If I were you I would silently try to find a place of solice. Start with a church. Even though people have their share of things to say about the churches, there ARE still many good ones full of those “old Saint’s” who have the healing touch of God. God may send some one your way so keep your eyes open, and when I say some one, I don’t mean another guy to be your man. I mean person who can help you. You can pray but it is also important to get prayed for. Some one who is pure in heart should be able to lay hands on you. Don’t give up, there is salvation in Christ. Start to pray today!!!!

    R.I.P. Bernie Mac 🙁

  7. By the way, I think a relationship should end when you first realize things will not change. Don’t stick around and hope for change, because 2 years will turn into 5 years and 5 years will turn into 10 years. Then you will look back and say, “I should have ended this a long time ago”

  8. I am firm believer that your father is an example of your first boyfriend. If you equate what the love of a man is to physical abuse, emotional abuse, or leaving and coming back that is exactly what you will look for even without knowing in any man you date. That naturally would be what is norm for you. I do feel that it is a curse that can be broken but it takes a learning process. I do believe what we as woman experienced from men as children is exactly what we search for as adults not actively search for what you naturally search for.

  9. By now I know that y’all have heard about Bernie Mac. May the good Lord strengthen and comfort his family and may Bernie always rest in peace.

  10. Relationships should end when love, respect, commitment, loyalty, and fun go out the window. That’s when.

  11. Rica,At 25 years old a woman should be enjoying her life. I pray that God gives you strenghth to live because if you dont this situation could affect relationships in the future. It did for my grandma and she is 68 years old, and was married to a man for 12 years which was an abusive relationship, now she is married to my grandfather and it seems that in any situation that there is a disagreement with him she compares him to her first husband and my grandfather has never hit her. She has had talks with me about her past and to this day she cries about what has happened to her from over 40 years ago. Trust me ma, i pray that you find a wayout very soon,your heart is to young to be ruined over something that is not worth it.

  12. Rica, I am 28 yrs old in somewhat abuse relationship and alot of people suggest me to leave the father of my child. I am an advocate of it is easily said than done, we as females feel that we are obligated to stay by our man through anything whether it being good or bad. But , reality is that statement is a preconcieved notion that is taken too literal. We have to take the initiative to know when we need to let go and not let our past articulate our future. It is so hard to leave because you have subconsciously became used to the abuse your spouse has put you through and I will be the first to say it is hard to find someone but in all actuality it is hurts more to not have even gave yourself a chance to be happy…Of course happiness will not come overnight but, regret can last forever. My advice to you like everyone said pray and ask God to lead you in the right path and pray for your spouse that he can too change…With prayer come sincere happinesss do not give up you will see a change and in the mean time I send you my sincere prayers…

  13. I hung on to a relationship that was over and I knew it wasn’t working..I stayed because I had been with this person for so long that he was all I knew and I was afraid to let go and move on..I think a lot of women stay in bad relationships for this same reason, we know it’s over but it’s a fear that we will never find love again..Sometimes hanging on is part of the letting go process that we have to go through in order to let go and move on..I hung on longer that I should but at the same time I was gradually letting go, slowly on my terms..Letting go of someone is kind of like going through rehab you have to do it slowly to make sure you get that person completely out of your system.

  14. WHAT INTERESTING ARTICLE ON VERBAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE. I HAVE A EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD NEPHEW WHO VERBALLY ABUSES HIS GIRLFRIEND TO TEARS. I PULL HER TO THE SIDE AND TOLD HER BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH VERBAL OR PHYSICAL ABUSE IT IS NOT WORTH IT. I TOLD HER DO NOT PUT UP WITH IT BECAUSE LOVE DO NOT HURT.

  15. Ms. “Robin A Reed”, that’s very interesting. But tell me something, what have you told your nephew? Hmm? Nothing? He needs to be told just as bad as the young lady! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. The first thing that’s gonna come out of his mouth is for you to mind your own business. All you gotta do is tell him, ” Look, I’m your aunt. Therefore, it’s nothing but my business! You need to learn that abusing ladies is totally unacceptable!”

  16. Women usually try to hold onto bad relationships out of fear of never finding another man. What they don’t know is that when they keep bad man in their lives they also keep potential good men out of their lives. Sistas need to learn to let go of the trsh so they can eventually get the treasure.

  17. The fear of being alone is sometimes so overwhelming that we can’t see clearly. It forces us to hold onto things that are toxic. It’s usually the lack of self-esteem or a lack of faith that hinders us. But if we simply reflect on the notion that dumping this man WILL clear out the garbage and open the way for someone better, we might gain the strength to leave. Ladies, continue to be the loving, giving, nourishing and beautiful women that you are because I know that you WILL one day find true happiness – even if it’s not with a man. Yes, it is in our nature to complement a man, as that is how we were created, however being single is also a gift. Enjoy it. Revel in it. Grow in it. Only when you are truly ready, he will come.

  18. Sometimes it seems harder to let go if a relationship that is just not right for you. I’m currently in this dilemma I think I’ve fallen out of love with him and we’ve been together for 5 years but he is good person just not the right person and it seems so hard to let go of the security I’ve found with being with the same person for so long. Also with everyone screaming there are no good men out there it makes me questioned am I crazy to throwing a way a good thing for the possibility of worse and a greater possibility of even finding better…

  19. @ ENIGMA

    Very well said because there is a certain sense of sercuirty in being with the same person for so many years..There is always security in being with someone that you know and are familular with..The thought of starting over can be scary especially when you don’t where or what type of person you’ll end up with, there is a fear of ending up with someone worse than what you have..And it’s always harder when the person you’re with is not a bad person you almost feel guily for wanting to leave.

  20. @Ms. Rica: Get out now. You do not have to stay there and accecpt abuse. Make a plan and get out of there. If you go to the police station or the hospital they will get you into a shelter. You cannot stay there and take that. Even if you are scared don’t let him know they feed off of that. Let me ask you a question. Do you like living? Because death is the only way out of this mess if you stay with him. You can also go to some churches especially the bigger churches they are hooked up with a lot of shelters. I don’t know what town you live in, but, if it is anywhere in Illinois, I know of a church there called Valley Kingdom Ministries they are located in South Holland and Oak Forrest, Il. Please get out of that situation. I cannot say that enough.

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