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Where Are the Good Black Men?

posted by Ashley Grayson on March 19th, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Black man and woman 300x224 140x140 Where Are the Good Black Men? Is it just me or is this the ‘it’ question for a lot of women? It has no discrimination. I’ve seen the twenty/thirty/forty something year old woman asking, “where are the good black men?”

It’s always puzzled me and has always lead me to wonder where in the world are women finding all of these bad black men. Is there a particular neighborhood where they hang, a state where they dwell? Where are they? I can’t imagine they flood the streets like cars during rush hour because well I just haven’t run into enough of them to complain.

This past weekend, I attended my best friends wedding in Orlando and it helped solidify my belief that there are a good amount of good black men out there. Her now husband is an Alpha and the weekend was full of college educated, professional Alpha brothas. I sat at a table with about six of them and had I been in the market for potentials, I would have had a difficult time picking just one. They were all exceptional men. They weren’t all dimes in physical appearances but how they carried themselves and what they represented was so positive and powerful that they looked like dimes to me and half of the bridal party. These guys had good jobs, didn’t have children, didn’t smoke and were open to the idea of marriage, if not now in the future.

So what more could you ask for? Or I guess a better question is, what do women want? And once you run down your “Chilli” list, I think women have to ask themselves what do you need?

If a man will not find perfection in you then maybe you shouldn’t expect to find the perfect package in a man.

-Ashley Charisma is the author of School of Black Love. For more info on Ashley Charisma and the novel visit www.ashleycharisma.com.

You can also follow Ashley Charisma on:
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52 Comments

  1. Please Excuse Me

    I am amrried to a good black men who is also tall and sexy.

  2. So just because a man has children and is not an “Alpha” that makes hin bad?? I wish you magazine people would stop filling women’s heads with that, jus because a man has kids and may not be in a fraternity or even went to college don’t make him bad…you don’nt know his circumstances. Your setting women up for failure with this. I’ve seen plenty of college men with serious issues. You pound in our heads don’t judge a women with kids but you tell them this. I have a question..WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD BLACK WOMEN

  3. This article is crazy and not very truthful. I have a son from a previous marriage and I’ve been dating a WONDERFUL, AMAZING, SMART AND SEXY BLACK MAN, who has 4, yes I said it, 4 children from a previous relationship of his own. He didn’t attend college he’s not an Alpha, but he served his country faithfully for 20 yrs in the United States Navy and now has a great government job, he takes care of ALL 4 of his children (14-24). He’s faithful to me and our relationship and loves my son like his own. You should judge a Black Man based on if he went to college or how much money he makes. We need to learn how to look past that, because what was written in this article seems more like a fairytale than the Real World Truth.

  4. All the good black men are either; still in college, military or already married. What makes a man a good man anyway. What makes a woman a good woman also? There is no answer because it is the single ones out there, the ones who’ve had a bad relationship and the one’s who choose to experiment with same sex!!! So I might be biased but all men just do not need to be married and some are just tired black men….

  5. Who care’s–if you find your self a good man period then that should be enough.

  6. IMO, I think the problem is not “where are all of the good black men” but more or less “what are we as black women truly seeking in our black men”………..

    Again this is only my opinion but I think that we have been pumped so full of B.S. that we now are starting to believe the hype. I understand that the majority of women (black, white, asian, etc.) would like a man that is educated (formally), has a good job, and no baby mama drama………….BUT does any of that qualify as a good man????

    My man is not an ivy league college grad but has a formal education as well as a military background and none of that defines him as a man. It’s how he treats me and makes me feel as a woman and if we as women esp. BLACK women don’t demand the treatment that we deserve then we will forever continue to ask “WHERE ARE ALL OF THE “GOOD” BLACK MEN”!!!!!

    Look in the mirror and as yourself before you ask this question again, “what is it TO ME that defines what a good man is or isn’t”. When you can yourself that question at least five times and come up with the same answer then you’ll know.

    JUST IMO……………

    Peace and Love

  7. @ L.Greer I was not implying that a man with children is a bad man nor a man who is not an Alpha is a bad man. What I’m saying is that women complain that there aren’t enough good black men and i found at least a dozen of them in one setting who had all of the qualifications that most women usually say they want in a man…

  8. @ TParker again. most women want this “fairy tale” of a perfect man and while one does not exist, there are good black men who have done x,y,z but women overlook them. I cannot list every career but the Army is a profession which would make your man a professional Black man.

  9. @AC, well shoot can you pass them my info??? Lol! I am so serious…..

  10. ARE YOU PEOPLE STILL ASKING THIS QUESTION.

    AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMEN MAKE ME LAUGH.

    Open your eyes and your brain, God is love and God does not see color!

    When you become more like how God wants you to be you will stop asking such a stupid question.

  11. Must God always be the fallback guy for Black women?

  12. In Jail…crack destroy our communites..and our black men made bad choices and the rico laws did not help. Their sentences are long and there is no rehabilitation for release.

  13. Well said!!! I don’t have anything else to add. Real women think like you. It’s the crazy ones out there attracting other crazies.

  14. U can find em’ @ Eden’s Lounge!

  15. Define Good Black Man…We would all define what we are looking for in a man probably a little different based our needs, life experiences and goals. I’m so tired of the topic..I think it promotes divide and stereotypes that WE all think the same as women(sistas).

  16. I agree with Bananapuddin. Every woman’s definition of a good black man is going to be different. Everyone has different expectations, different needs, and different goals. I see where AC is coming from, but at the same time, we all have to define good for ourselves.

  17. Dahmu Anwar Chidike

    There’s allot of us good brothers around , we as black men hear this on a constant basis. What normally happens is that black women tend to like the thugs and by the time they are ready for a real man we are often gone, either married or to another race. The other reason is the definition of a good man what determines a good man from a man with a good job, there is a difference. Most African American women associate men with good stable jobs and benefits or men whom are professionals to be good men , lawyers , doctors, accountants, police and firemen. The good job is not a qualifier of a good man. If you want a good brother just go to your local mentoring programs and activist events . We as good men give freely of our time and ourselves, we love our people, our families , and community. We work hard and are great fathers. Keep in mind as you search for your good men just as you ask that he bring much to the table be prepared to bring just as much. We as men no longer tolerate the sister thats hard to get along with

  18. Dahmu Anwar Chidike

    from a brother who loves his sisters

  19. CreoleHunneyBunz

    This makes me think back to when I was dating my husband who is Ghanaian and a relative had the audacity to say to me “It got that bad for me with black US men that I had to get someone across the world” First of all after I told him where to go with that I explained to him a few things. For one I’d been in a abusive relationship with my ex, when I met my now husband who I would have never known that he was from Ghana until he spoke.He was my breath of fresh air and yes he’s educated, college graduate and successful. I was not out there looking for a particular thing and I would never give up on Black Men because the love I have in my heart for them are far beyond words. I come from a family with some awesome strong African American men who are educated, intellectual, responsible men who are not in jail,no bunch of baby momma’s, moochers or drug addicts. WE have got to stop getting on the internet with all of these articles discussing negativity about black men and how they are not this and that. How can we ever get ahead when we keep pulling ourselves so far behind. Not all black men are felon’s, crack smoking uneducated and under achieving thiefs. This article is a something else!

  20. @Dahmu Anwar Chidike: Well said :)

  21. Dahmu Anwar Chidike

    Thanx VOO900
    What we never seem to realize is that there are no more goodmen than there are good women; in other words there is an equal balance of both. Men who are up to know good have a tendency to corrupt or damage good women and as men we have to take responsibility for our actions. Now for women you have God given insight , you have been given the gift of discernment and you have a responsibility as well to know what’s good for you and not just what’s good to you. Many of you see the red flags and ignore them i.e. he lives with his mother he’s over 30 , his main topic of conversation is sex, he can beat your little brother or son in madden, no car , no ambition, no job, complains the world is crapping all over him, bad credit children by multiple women , owes child support, refers to women negatively, no desire to be a good father to the children he has but willing to make a child with you. the list goes on sista’s As a man we know chumps when we see them, how come you don’t when you see them ? what is it that blinds you. Maybe allot of it has to do with wether or not you grew up in a single home without a father so there’s no template from which a man has to be judged by , most women marry men like their father if he was a good man. what i’m trying to say is stop falling for the okee doke set a standard for yourself and the man you wish to get involved with and eliminate the blame game.

  22. I think the “Good Brother” break down is the reason many women can’t find an actual “GOOD Brother”. We always get the college educated,well dressed,no kids,loves his mama blah blah blah description which is played. I have an uncle who is by all means a “good” man Hard working, Loves his family, Intelligent, Funny and he has a daughter that he cares for and 2 step children that he loves like his own he still takes care of his ex-wife to this day. I would hate for a woman to miss out on a “good man” like my uncle simply because he has a daughter. Most of the women I know who complain that “men aint shit” have all been dealing with the same man/men for years. You determine who’s GOOD to you not the other way around.

  23. Dahmu Anwar Chidike

    well ok Amour, LOL you seem to have it down packed you seem like you’ve found that special kat and i’m happy for you. I simply wrote in because i hear the same thing on different sites as well at work and i just think. How do we make somethings so simple so difficult

  24. I cannot believe that this is still a topic of conversation.Give it a rest.Not everybody is caught up on black men like that.And for the women asking where are the good black men understand a couple of things.

    There are some good black men but there may not be one for you.This could be because of numbers or whatever else.

    If there is a 75% illegitimacy rate perhaps this is probably why these women ask those questions.They are going off of what they see from the majority of black men black women pairing which don’t seem to be married.

    Start hanging around a new crowd of men of different cultures and races.It will only help.

  25. In reply to the people in here talking about good black men with children.

    Black women remember that black men don’t want women with children.In fact most men don’t.They will flat out tell you this to your face and in different studies. You are under no obligation to accept a man with kids because he is supposedly good.

    WHY AREN’T THESE MEN WITH THEIR BABY MOMMA’S???CONSIDER THAT BEFORE YOU GET WITH ONE OF THEM.

    Understand that your money may go to pay his child support if you accept him though he has children.

  26. DHAMU YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT!

    A GOOD MAN WILL ALWAYS BE MEASURED BY IF HE CAN PROVIDE FOR HIS FAMILY SO GET OVER IT!

    IF YOU DON’T FUNCTION AS A MAN YOU WON’T BE TREATED LIKE ONE.

    SECONDLY,IT IS A LIE THAT BLACK WOMEN AND GIRLS GO AFTER THUGS IN THEIR YOUTH AND THAT’S WHY THEY MISS OUT ON SUPPOSEDLY GOOD BLACK MEN.TRUTH IS MANY BLACK WOMEN ARE ONLY EVER AROUND THUGS AND NO GOOD MEN IN THE FIRST PLACE.

    GOOD BLACK MEN ARE RARE AND THAT’S WHY BLACK WOMEN RARELY END UP WITH GOOD BLACK MEN.

    EVEN THE WHITE WOMEN WHOM YOU CLAIM ARE ENDING UP WITH GOOD BLACK MEN ARE CATCHING HELL FROM BLACK MEN.IT JUST IS NOT THE TRUTH THAT MOST BLACK MEN DATING OR MARRYING OUTSIDE THEIR RACE ARE GOOD.SOMETIMES THEY ARE WEALTHY BUT ONLY A FEW ARE GOOD.

  27. And black men are not ours myshel.
    Let it go.

  28. @ranjay Yes God is the fallback guy for black women.It is no business of yours.Many black men don’t go to church or believe in God.Shared values are important in a relationship.I agree with the poster Funny People.

  29. Kayona
    March 22, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Well said!!! I don’t have anything else to add. Real women think like you. It’s the crazy ones out there attracting other crazies.

    Well there must be a whole lotta crazy black men then because a whole lotta crazy women in general have been going through it with them.

  30. Dahmu Anwar Chidike

    You know what Laila as a man raised by a single women i was always taught to maintain character at all cost so i wont dignify that response that i’m full of sh**. I simply think that you are angry and you have that right. Sista you have been hurt maybe not just once but maybe time after time, but i think you have all wrong. You have simply been picking the wrong type of black men possibly based on your sexual desires instead of your intellect, so you ‘ve simply set yourself up for relationship failure. Now Men like myself have much love and respect for those single mothers being a product of one. Most black men do since most of us are a product of a broken home. Most of the women ive dated were single mothers and it’s a package deal you can’t love the mother without loving the children. So if dating outside your race makes you feel that you have arrived or gives you a certain amount of vindication against black men go ahead sister. Trust men we can do with out a sister like you. i would rather spend my time , my energy with a sister who loves and understands her black men. There’s nothing to me more beautiful than a sister , there’s no other woman made for than a sister see God made you just for us , the brothers that love and cherish you. This for those that feel where i’m coming from not for those who seek to be devisive we have enough black men runing to the white girl or whomever and enough sister that want to lay beneath enemy and have his half bread babies and tell us the standard of beauty is not that black baby but the one who is mixed. I love my sisters for everything you are and everything your not

  31. My best friend just married a guy from egypt…wow i went to the wedding in EGYPT. OMG to my single sisters…there was so many men FINE, SMART and BEAUTIFUL..I was thinking damn my homie came all the way here to get a husband. Atfter attending the wedding I completely understand. OMG!!! to my single sisters forget the bahamas, forget jamaica …try EGYPT!!!

  32. You are what you attract i have a good black man guess why ?
    His sister is always asking me why i cook and clean and listen to his problem and gives him tons of affections? why i’m i submissive? why why why.

    That’s where all the good black men went, somewhere where they can’t hear the bitching of frustrated, bitter black women :)

  33. oh an ps, I took a man with integrity, he was faithful to me, made me laugh, held me in public and treated me like a queen, and he was dirt poor. I stuck with him , never once complained , took care of him, loved him and consoled him and took all of his love for what it was worth.

    Now he has a job and comes home gives me his entire paycheck and lay in my arms and tell me how much he loves me,and oh look at my finger is that a engagement and a wedding band?
    Food for thought, You people priorities are all fu.d up

  34. pps. the same women singing the “i got my own blah and i want a man that is blah “song are the ones settling for the worse kind of man. My mother in law left a good black man because he was too “strict” and ended up marrying a drunk, violent slacking cheating ex con white man, Who’s the loser?

  35. But my baby does not have a felony , or any children, he likes his video games and his weed, I’m telling you no one is perfect, nobody! You got to weight your option and see what you can and cannot deal with, for me it was a felon, a baby daddy , an abusive man,an imbecile and a cheater, since he is not any of those i dealt with the bad that came with him.

  36. Dahmu Anwar Chidike: You speak just like my husband , where are you from, i love your integrity.

  37. Dahmu Anwar Chidike

    Thanx Leaan You hit it right on. I’m from Compton, Ca. I am Jamaican, but we are all the same we came from africa, just in case some one says one thing or another the slave ship just dropped us off here and there. Black men are not perfect and neither is our black women simple find the one that’s for you. What most women fail to realize is we men are simple, the simplest things make us happy, stop listening to other women telling you what men like if you want to know ask a man. Women i’ve found to be much more complex what you wanted at 27 you may not want at 28 or 29 as men we have to be extremly flexable there will never be that moment of relaxing we have to stay in our toes. for us men good meals , extreme sex, clean house, loving, be considerate, don’t spend all the money , and know when to just close it. Some women just don’t know when to just stop. Silence is golden especially when the game is on. Damn can a brother watch the game in peace or can it wait till half time. i know the brothers feel me on this one

  38. Dahmu: I didn’t realize why my husband would get upset about me talking to him during the game, until he tried to “communicate” with me during an LMN movie i almost killed him, but now i know lol.

    I don’t think you or him are asking for too much, I’m willing to do my part, if my man is willing to do his. Unfortunately nowadays both sexes are stubborn and unwilling to compromise :(

  39. @ Dahmu, thank you for standing up for the good guys and ladies, u need to pay attention to what the brother is saying! Having said that l co-sign your remarks of black women losing out a black brother! I was recently informed that good guys are boring! I kinda agree because Drama they say is what makes it fun! Seriously, there is a time and place for eveything. To each his own. One absolute truth is that ladies aren’t going to agree with you a 100% because it hurts. To the lady who would go with street language to experience her sentiments, you should have ignored and not responded to because attacking one’s character is the lowest of lows plus gender arguments never get you far. Just keep on pointing the obvious cause it is something you believe in. Most women need talking to constantly, that’s the only way it will ever sink in. Am good a guy and my woman n son love me deeply cause l rep! The ironic thing is this ‘how can you be searching for a good guy when it’s obvious you dont even measure up to the actual qualities of a good sister?

  40. Dahmu Anwar Chidike

    I think as men we have a voice and we should use it to affirm that we are here loving black women as only a black men can. There are so many misconceptions about who we are. The many images of us and are women that we see of ourselves generally don’t come from us through lack of control of media outlets . So this actually goes far beyond the surface argument of where are the good black men. Being a Christian man i what God says that if a wife prays for her husband to change that change shall come for the husband can be sanctified thru the wife and the wife thru the husband. i can go on about the social-economics , we can even discuss what slavery and jim crow’s affects on black men ,relationship and responsibility. So holla at a brotha i love great conversation. And Thanx brotha Abraham we brothers can unite and affect change not just talking about it but living and doing something about it. i Don’t know how old you are but there’s nothing like giving back and being a mentor to young men. Peace and blessings

  41. @ dahmu chidike, u can write me @ this addy and we can continue the discussions from there.(abrahamop@yahoo.com) Regards,

  42. How can you find the “right one”, unless you are the “right one?” Like attracts like. The energy that you put out into the Universe will be the energy returned to you in kind. Focus on what you want as opposed to what you do not want. Be specific for you will attract those which you desire. Namaste

  43. PHILLY__STAND UP...

    To Ashley Charisma you dont know a damn thing about your friend and her mans relationship. He cld be beatin her behind, slapping her alot of these men are violent.

  44. Dahmu Anwar Chidike

    WoW this is true allot of men have issues with putting their hands on a woman. Are they absolutely punks yes if you are a man and you hit women YOU ARE A PUNK THERE’S TWO KIND OF MEN I HATE : CHILD MOLESTERS AND MOTHER SUCKA’S WHO BEAT WOMEN. A man that beats women are those that have issue about their manhood so they abuse the weaker vessel in order to fill that void. If there are any women here on this page that are in an abusive relationship leave if you can , if you have to take small unoticeable items a little at a time if you have to fight , but by all means get out . i have seen it up close and personal ive seen some of my mother friends get killed. That’s an issue i’m a father of three daughters whom i wont hesitate to go to jail over if a brotha puts his hands on one of mine!

  45. I do admit I have some concerns with dating a man with multiple baby mommas. I have seen the issues that arise from that. However, I had a brother tell me the other day that he will date “other” because he was tired of black women- right in front of a white man. I was so embarrassed I didn’t know what to do. He was a TEACHER and every black female student that passed by he said” see ya’ll lazy” wth!!!I was so pissed. I told him that crap is not appropriate to say about a STUDENT! Then, when he saw I wasn’t playing he tried to make nice. FREAKING Ignorant!!! I don’t even speak.I walk right pass his butt…stupid….

  46. Black women let the busters keep walking.

    If they were really prizes like they claim their relationships with these OTHER NON-black women wouldn’t be ending in divorce.

    THEY ARE LYING TO YOU.

    Check the black men that date marry out divorce rates please

    Also check their high instances of disease and domestic violence they have with these OTHER NON-black women.

    Also check the high rates of white women raising their biracial children alone.

    It is no coincidence that you see so many fatherless biracial children of black men and white women in the media.

    THEY ARE LYING TO YOU

    LET THEM GO!

    LET THE WHITE WOMAN HAVE THEM ALL!

  47. I agree let them go. I almost have.

  48. Dahmu Anwar Chidike

    As i sit here writing this, the state of the black family it’s sad to think that our black woman feel this way. To think another race of men better than their own, no other race does that, just sit and think about that for a moment. That’s a slave mentality. To think white men or men of another race or women for that fact are better suited to be a mate than your own race of people, we are in trouble.
    This statement applis to both men and women if you are not getting the mate you want, the first person you need to ask why is generally starring at you in the mirror. For instance; my grandparents were farmers they grew and raised everything under the sun. When they went to tree to pick oranges they got an orange not an apple or a pear an orange ! why would you look for an orange and settle for an apple that’s idotic would you then blame the tree or the picker? Second finding that husband or wife is a blessing from God just maybe the reason you havent found that blessing is you are not ready to recieve it. When god gives a blessing he generally gives it to those who he trust will do right with it and are in position to recieve it. Maybe your not ready for that GOOD MAN maybe your biterness may corrupt the relationship , maybe you need to heal from all the hurt, distrust and the let downs before that special person can enter your life. I think i’ve said enough on this topic i think those who really want love and are ready for shall get just that.

  49. Hmmm well I don’t agree with everything Laila said.

    But I do agree that Black women really need to let it go. Too many Black women think they have ownership on black men and it’s sad. Slavery is over ladies. This is where the bitter Black woman stereotype comes from.

    A lot of Black women have so much to say about what non-black women some black guy is dating? Black men are not your men. Please get over it. This is such a dead-ended topic.

    I’m Black and single and currently taking time in the dating world, but I dont think I’m entitled a Black man simply cause I’m Black. I don’t know why some of you Black women think Black men are yours. Truly some crazies and delusional.

    I’m not talking about ALL Black women of course. Just the ones who think Black men are theirs. Please stop, you’re embarrassing all of us. None of my white or asian friends have that ownership mentality to white or asian men, but all of my Black friends do.

  50. And theres no such thing as a Good(race-color) man. Either you find someone you’re compatible with or you don’t.

  51. Dahmu Anwar Chidike

    Shels it’s not a matter of ownership, it’s a matter of uplifting and for the survival of our race . Even though women of other races don’t verbally commit to their particular race of men it is general bred in them the importance of protecting their race by not marrying outside of it. The damage of slavery was not only physical, it left generational psychological scars , which by the way was it’s intent. We have to look at it in it’s entirety. From slavery to Jim crow , from jim Crow to blackploitation and to now. Still we are only less than two hundred years out of slavery 1885-2085 would mark the 200th anniversary of African being only free to a certain extent. Look at this way we are facing a pandemic , we make up only 13% of the population down from over 30 our black men up the highest rate of incarceration among all races, Hiv infections, and now homosexuality is prevalent in our race now as well. Many are among the highest unemployment and homeless rate. What other race of people are in such condition? We all need to look at what we do and how it affects each other as well as our race . There’s a reason why black men are incarcerated in jail they can’t reproduce and it’s a method of free labor, not saying that they are all innocent . We as African American men MUST BE BETTER HUSBANDS, FATHERS , MENTORS AND BETTER LEADERS . We as men must take responsibility for many women that we have hurt and the many children we have left behind. I understand where many of the sisters here on this page are coming from. I’ve got daughters, sisters,aunts and a mother. I know what many of you all are saying about us brothers it’s allot of truth to it. We as brothers need to own up to it and fix it . So goes the man , so goes his family , so goes his community AS A BLACK MAN, WE AS BLACK MEN NEED TO TAKE OUR ROLE IN OUR SOCIETY. That’s why i never entertain the battle of the sexes it gets us nowhere, it’s just a waste

  52. @Laila I agree with you whole heartedly. The people talking that old tired ‘you’re choosing the wrong men’ line are using excuses. It is interesting what people will come up with to stay blind to the fact that most black men are just not worth the time of day…plain and simple. I haven’t even been through alot of bad relationships so there is no bitterness here. I am single more often than not because I won’t tolerate alot of the BS I’ve seen my sisters go through. They are right, we don’t own them and many I don’t want to claim.
    You give clear and precise arguments. Thank you for speaking up for those who choose to live in the real world.